I hope you all had a great Christmas! I got a MakoHaru body pillow and a straightener. Best gift ever!

Soo the reason I'm updating early is because New Year! Yaay!
So if you noticed I change my pen name.

I was having a little trouble while writing after my last update, and I was completely unsatisfied with the chapter and I decided to redo it all on Friday but I feel a hundred percent better about it. So sorry if there are any errors that I have failed to correct. Thank you, and enjoy.

Chapter 10:

Had I ever loved? For an antisocial young adult you'd think that I would, or at least had a crush but I never saw myself with anyone. Anyone without romance is pretty boring. To think of it, I am a dull person. You see, I don't have any friends, obviously. Does a brother count? What about a tutor? I wouldn't be exactly sure. I'd make it clear only now to realize, I don't know the names of my classmates besides the boy standing besides me waiting for an answer. I'm an individual and I could handle that much. I could, but how much longer?

My chest tightens, I was holding my breath, I'd forgotten how to breathe for only a second. My body shook, I panicked before clearing my throat, breathing in deeply through my nose. At least attempting to appear calm.

"Are you okay?"

Rutta's eyes, I could feel them burning into me as he looked. he noticed? I took a deep breath before I responded. "I am." My voice crack becoming high-pitched as I finished speaking. I could feel my heart rate growing, it was pounding within my chest, it feels so hollow. It was hard to fathom the strange feelings.

"You know Misaki, It's fine not to answer. I was just curious."

I tilted my head silently telling him to follow, shifting my feet to continue walking down the street. I kept my pace slow until I was sure he was only inches away. "I'm no sure, Rutta." After the brief silence, I wasn't sure if that was a sign to continue or not. "So, I can't answer that just yet."

If silence was as ear-splitting like a crying baby in a doctor's office, I could describe a moment like this. We walk nothing said, hardly a sound, many the clink of heals tapping on the pavement.

"Thank you."

"Huh? Why are you thanking me?" Rutta shoulder brushed against mine, he rubbed my arm gently, like he was comforting me. As he bent down slightly stopping me from taking another step.

His lips grazed my ear as he whispered, "You shouldn't fall just yet, but when you do it'll hit you like a ton of bricks."

Warmth left my side as he backed away. He began removing his gloves, pulling at the fingertips one by one slipping them off completely. "I still don't know why you're thanking me."

I observed, as he tugged at the cloth wrapped around his pinky, "I just think I should, before I go."

...

I walked alone, through the street heading home. My toes numb but my fingers warm, covered in soft black cotton. Rutta was generous and gave them to me, only saying "Here an early present, from me to you." He had wished me a Happy Holiday's and nothing more.

I'm still unsure of what he meant, but I'm not going to worry about it. To think about it, has Rutta ever liked anyone? Wait, that's a stupid question. He's had plenty of girlfriends, he was bound to at least like one of them, the only thing is they never lasted long. I'd guess he wasn't to interested. I'll have to ask.

I'm cold. I was ready to crawl into a warm bed, maybe some tea, coffee, or maybe I'll make that soup I've meant to try, I had the recipe written down somewhere. Even in this bit of daylight I still can turn back and visit Usami. It's not like he was my only entertainment, it's just I enjoyed his company. I turned the familiar corner and quicken my feet, deciding against it. I don't want to be a bother.

I was really anxious to get out of the cold. I covered my nose and cheeks with my hands, blowing into the fabric to create heat. I knew my cheeks were red, it stung and so did my nostrils.
Jogging up the steps, the bag on my back bounced, sending a chill up my back as it lifted from the spot it warmed. This made me even more anxious to get inside where it was warm.

"I'm home." I spoke out of habit, closing the door behind me. I was overwhelmed with how warm it was. I couldn't complain though, it sure was hell of a lot better than outside. It'd probably dropped ten degrees since I left the school.

As I removed my shoes I heard an outburst of laughter. I could easily tell apart the voices of my brother and Usami, I didn't have to walk into the living room, not even down the hallway to recognize that deep, husky voice, so sweet. I could only imagine, them sitting side-by-side. What was so funny in the first place for them to be laughing so loud anyways? "to close?" I mumbled under my breath but only if they did hear me, what would they say?

I could feel my cheeks heating up. they're friends dumbass. Would I look crazy if I slapped myself?

I clenched my fists and took the first step. Best thing to do was avoid them.

I held my breath and entered the living room. Only now I just wanted to lay down and that's all. I didn't stop to greet them.

"Welcome back." They both spoke so cheerfully which pissed me off, more than it should have. Even worse, I can feel their wondering eyes on me, following me. What are they thinking? Looking at me, together! Tsk.

I closed my bedroom door, before dropping my bag to the clothes littered floor, flopped the on bed, face first into my pillow. I was completely temped to scream. and I even thought of taking the trouble to go to his place. I thought hard of why I could have just left when I thought of it, yet I didn't.

...

How long was I laying there? My back is aching, and my throat is dry. I've calmed down just a bit, but now I'm aware of how stupid I was. There was no reason to be irritated, right?

I felt- like I needed to scream. Am I even conscious? When I think about it, Where have I been these past few months? School, tutoring, meals, more school, sleeping. I felt like my life was in repeat.

I buried my face into my pillow to muffle my voice, yet I couldn't get my voice out.

I laid there confused. For a second I didn't even know why, and I swear I could feel, possible taste the melancholy atmosphere.
I licked my lips, bitter.
Just the thought of that I really think someone slipped drugs in my coffee. Not only that, I feel weird.

I could agree with myself. I was a mess just like my room that clearly needed top-notch cleaning service, and maybe an incense.
I groaned knowing it had to be done sooner or later. I could use this time to blow off a little more steam. Though, I was never the happy house maid. It just didn't feel right to clean at now, but when was I ever in a cleaning mood anymore.

By this time, all I wanted was a hot drink. "Screw this."

Getting up from my padded fortress was more like rolling off. Which was exactly what I did, and I was known to be extremely lazy on the first days of winter break. But as I walked into the living room, reading the clock on the wall with just a glance I realized I had slouched around for about ten minutes. Now I was definitely sure someone slipped something in my coffee earlier. Time has flowed slowly like it was trying to catch my attention. Though when I get to that point, I choose to ignore it.

I walked to the kitchen, avoiding contact at all costs but maybe I was going crazy, or I was just being paranoid, I felt like their eyes were on me the second I walked into their view.

I pushed the kitchen door open, listening to the sqeak as it closed behind me. maybe we should get that fixed. I was used to the sound but lately, it's been annoying me. Though a lot of things have annoyed me lately, mostly myself.
"Tsk." It even annoyed me that the jar of tea leaves weren't in the top-right cabinets where I left them, but in the top-left.

Geez, I really need to get it together, maybe a therapist? Or maybe a diary. But what man has a diary? If I called it a "Journal" would that make it any better. But what would it matter it's not like any of my friends would see it. Oh yes, the dust mites would find out my biggest secrets.
If I had any.

"Usagi! What about this one?"

"I think a ring like that is a little to flashy for taste."

"You think?"

They're talking pretty loud.

"Oh! How about this one?"

"to simple."

"What are they, getting hitched?" I mumbled while pouring my tea. I shouldn't be listening in on the first place.

The steam from the cup felt good on my face as I took the first sip. I could at least hide out in here while they talk about-

I jumped out of thought hearing the door creak, Okay, we really need to get the fixed.

"Afternoon, Misaki."

My belly ached, "Oh a-afternoon, Usami." My lips clung to the cup, when I took another sip, focusing on the swirling liquid.

"How was school today?"

I knew he was just making conversation, but it didn't help the growing pit within my stomach. I could hear the clink of the cups as they hit the counter. I could smell the aroma of fresh coffee being poured. "I-It was good."

"Oh? Is that so?" He leaned his back on the counter besides me. I can feel the warmth of his body beside me, he was so close which made the pit deeper. I sipped at my cup, still laying down the silence. "Misaki, are you sure you're okay?"

Yeah, sweet that he asked but what reason was there? "Of course I'm fine." He ran his fingers through my hair, sliding his other hand under my chin. His hands were so cold, but his gaze when he turned my head to face him was soothing and warm.

Usami leaned into my neck, putting down the hand that held my chin, his breath so hot and his voice so rich, "You don't have to lie."

My chest felt like It was about to burst, and the pit in my stomach began to feel numb. "Huh?"

"Usagi!" The man didn't budge when my brother called him from the other room. Nii-chan, please don't walk in.

Usami slide his hand down to my neck, rubbing his thumb against my cheek. This began to scare me, he's acting completely normal standing on front of Me like this. Though I wasn't pushing him away, why wasn't I?

"If you need a friend to talk to, you know where to find one."

His cold fingers left my skin aflame as he turned to leave. It gave me the little time to admire the sway of his hips and the matching vest and dress pants he chose for today's outfit. He was completely breath-taking.

The memory, so unforgettable.

Christmas morning, it was surprisingly sweet to wake up to. Like every year it would just be the two of us, opening presents and watching a movie or two. I guess this year would be a first, since we decided to have a little dinner party. We invited Manami and Usami, and of course Usami was the first to show, dressed out of the event yet, with bag full of gifts. Some even for Mamami who was running late, which gave my brother plenty of time to announce that he will be proposing to her on New Years Eve.

I had asked "why not today." It turned out he was being picky with the ring and it was holding him back. The cheese ball went on about the scenery. He imagined a big dinner at a hotel where they'll be staying that night and right before the fireworks set off, he'll show her the ring. Usami and I agreed, he was kind of a dreamer.

Just like every year Nii-chan helped me with prepare dinner, but when Manami finally arrived Usami told him "Take a break, talk to your women." After that he had helped me, not only that but we talked, a lot. He had run his cold fingers through my hair when I look at him, when I admired him. That was what I'd like to believe, but it made me curious when he bumped his hip against mine, of course by accident, at first. I didn't know what got me to return the little tap of my hip against his, but the smile his gave me was a slap in the face, lustful. That was the shovel penetrating my stomach, though this time instead of nervous, I felt hungry.

Maybe he read my mind before he fed me a piece of steamed carrot with his finger. I was lost, drained of any consciousness when I took the piece between my lips and licked his fingers clean. What had gotten over me? That's something I would like to know, but I didn't care. It was all to fun.

We ate together, listening to the faint chimes of the audio bells and sweet voices. Between bites they chatted about work, good memories of the year that will be passing so, there was a mentioning of my grades and I didn't mind. Even if I only listened most of the time, my cheek stayed slightly puffed from the smile that felt tainted yet good.

After dinner, we had all sat down for a movie. Usami and I sat at the couch and Nii-chan and Manami laying comfortably on a bean-bag chair in front of us. I may have seen the film a few times but we were all enjoying it. Usami and I noticed how the two in front of us cuddled, I envied the two. It was cute but my stomach sunk when I thought of how perfect their relationship was. It seemed like it, but I knew that nothing is perfect. I didn't want to see it anymore, so I had announced that I was heading to he kitchen to make gingerbread cookies. Usami said that he would help.

We may have just messed around the whole time. Our aprons covered in flour, wet hands and arms when we flicked water at each other. The smell of ginger filling the room for the few minute it has been cooking. Laughter died down while drying our hands, that was when I really noticed his. When he flipped the strand of hair out of his face, his long fingers brushed his forehead. I couldn't strain my eyes to look away from the scene in front of me, I may have stared to long.

I should have joined my brother in the other room just then, but I took it just a step farther. I dipped my finger in the left over flour, whipping it on the tip of his nose. He of course, tried to get me back. That was when I slipped falling into his chest. How cliché don't you think? I'd thank him for that, but when he pulled me to my feet, laying his lips onto mine for tender kiss. Something within me burst, it made my whole body tingle when his lips pressed against mine, and I thought it was my innocence when I kissed him back. I felt so warm and my mind was a blur. He pulled me closer every minute passing, our lips met over and over. It deepening into need when he pulled me closer. My chest was then firmly pressed against his as I gripped tightly onto his shirt while he cradled my face. His tongue trailed sweetly across my bottom lip asked from entrance. In time of parting my lips the kitchen timer blared, startling us and we parted.

There on until I closed my eyes to go to sleep, the flutter in my stomach wouldn't go away. It just happened so suddenly.

I'll never be able to forget that day.

I actually happy with this chapter.
I hope you enjoyed.
Again, sorry if there are any mistakes I had missed and right now I
really don't feel like going back to correct it at the moment I'll look it over later.
Don't blame me, I'm sitting here drinking a Four Loco and editing this, it's new years and an early update is my gift to you!
Please review, favorite, follow! I really appreciate it.

-Alanea