Chapter 10

Darkness.

Darkness and despair.

≺You killed me,≻ echoed through my mind.

I moved my arms to push myself up. But the ground was moving and squishy. Alive. Until I pressed down. I felt my hands squish the life right out of it.

≺You killed me.≻

I looked at my hand. There was gray blood on it.

I killed it. A sentient lifeform. Thinking, feeling. I… I didn't mean to! Did I?

≺Don't ever think you're any better than a Yeerk!≻

I… Maybe I did…

I backed away from what was left of the Yeerk.

Go away! I had no choice!

I skittered backward as fast as I could, but the Yeerk's remains had gotten so big that they towered over me. I turned around to run faster.

But the road was blocked by the termite queen. My master. She was commanding me to turn back to the Yeerk. To clean it up, like a good little termite.

But I didn't. I put all my effort into ignoring her, into disobeying. Then I opened my massive pincer jaws and snapped her head off.

I felt her die inside me. No longer was she capable of telling me what she wanted me to do. She would never want anything again.

It was my fault! I did everything I could to kill her, so I must have wanted to kill her!

"Are you okay now?"

Rachel's voice, behind me. I turned around and found her hugging me.

"No! I'm not okay!" I yelled at her. "I'm a murderer! I don't want to become like you!" I shoved her away from me.

I pushed right through her stomach!

She stared at her crushed lower body in disbelief for a few seconds, then looked back up. She looked hurt. Emotionally hurt. Then she stormed out of the barn I now found myself in.

I backed up again, tears streaming down my face.

I didn't mean to say that last bit! I didn't mean to hurt her!

But my back bumped into something cold and hard and sharp. I quickly turned around.

It was a dead Hork-Bajir. His throat had been ripped out and one of his legs had been gnawed apart.

And I knew why. I'd done it. I'd killed him. I could feel a sliver of his silver flesh still stuck between my teeth.

Just another one of my victims. The Yeerk that was still inside him, too.

≺His name was Estril seven-three-one, of the Hett Simplat pool,≻ I heard Aftran inside my head. ≺My brother.≻

How do I sleep at night at all? Have I really become a cold-blooded murderer?

Something warm landed on my face! I couldn't tell what it was. I tried to push it away, but I couldn't move. I couldn't see. All I could sense was a warm, wet feeling on my forehead.

Something alive? Something that used to be alive?

Somewhere off in the distance, I heard someone call my name. The voice was angry.

Mom?

The warm thing was soft and wet. Like damp cloth.

≺You killed me.≻

The Yeerk…?

Suddenly everything became light. I tried to blink it away, but it wasn't working.

My eyes slowly adjusted to the light, though. A human-like shape, on its side and out of focus, was looking at me.

Its skull had been crushed like Rachel's!

I tried to back away from it, but my body still refused to move.

Slowly but surely the shape came into focus. After eventually managing to blink a few times, I could see that it was Mom, and that her head was fine.

Had I been imagining it?

Ketamine?

≺You killed me, Cassie! You! Don't ever think you're any better than a Yeerk!≻

Was that real?

Yes, that was real. I remember it. I killed it… Why?

≺You leave me no choice.≻

Why?

They will capture me and hold me until the Yeerk inside me starves to death. Until then, they will examine it and Jessica to find out why it couldn't control her.

"Mom?" I tried to say. Something garbled came out.

She didn't respond. She looked absolutely furious. So furious, that I remember wondering if I was imagining it. I don't remember ever having seen her that furious before then.

"How many fingers?" she asked coldly after waiting a couple minutes, holding up three fingers.

"Three," I said weakly. She did it two more times. "Four. One."

"Now that you're back in the real world, would you mind telling me what happened?" she ordered.

I squeezed my eyes shut to try to get my brain to function and work out an excuse. I had one heck of headache. I figured I'd hit my head on the corner of the operating table while falling. Or maybe it was just the ketamine.

"I…" I eventually tried, but nothing more came out.

"Maybe this will refresh your memory?" She held up the syringe that I'd used to sedate myself with.

"I-it was an accident," I managed to say.

"An accident?"

She paused, expecting me to elaborate. But I didn't know what to add to that.

"That's it? That's your excuse?" she finally huffed, then looked away.

Dad entered the room. "She's awake?"

Mom just nodded.

He turned to me. "Well, you'll be pleased to know that the fox is doing okay. No thanks to you."

Terrific, even Dad was properly mad at me for some reason. I wasn't sure why they were acting this way, yet. I shut my eyes again.

"How long have you been doing this?" Mom snapped at me suddenly.

"Doing what?" I asked desperately, still kind of slurring my words.

"Drugs, Cassie!"

Huh? Drugs?

"It was just ketamine…"

What I'd meant to convey was that it was a sedative, not a drug. I didn't even know at the time that some idiots use ketamine recreationally. I truthfully can't even imagine it. Waking up from that was not a good time. Why are some people so weird?

Needless to say, it was the wrong answer. Mom got up and leaned forward against the wall, trying to work out how to respond.

Dad took over for her. "It doesn't matter what substance you use! Ketamine can be just as addictive and dangerous as other drugs. Is this what you've been hiding from us the past couple of months? Did you lie to the police when you said you didn't have anything to do with Rachel's drug dealing?"

"No! It was an accident!"

"How stupid do you think we are?" Mom snapped at me again. "You don't accidentally inject yourself with something!"

"Look, we want to help you," Dad reasoned, ignoring Mom's outburst. "But you have to tell us the truth."

I was too confused and upset to respond. The connection between being accused of taking drugs and being found on the floor next to an empty ketamine syringe still hadn't quite taken shape in my head yet, but I figured they had plenty of reasons to be angry with me anyway. Sure, I wasn't addicted to drugs, but I was a murderer, for one thing.

Or well, I guess that depends on your definition of murder. But the point is that I felt like a murderer. And in any case, I definitely wasn't the innocent girl they thought I was, and I had been lying to them about all kinds of things for months.

"Okay, that's it," Dad said when his patience ran out as well. "You're grounded. The operating room and barn are off limits. Your mom and I can handle your chores for a while. You got that?"

I nodded slowly. They left the room.

That never happened before, by the way. My parents being this angry with me. Maybe all my lying and hiding made them think they weren't getting through to me or something, or that I just didn't care. But they were. And I did.

And not letting me do my chores? I guess this might sound weird, but that was about the most painful punishment they could have possibly given me. Pretty much all my chores have to do with caring for our animals. I like doing them. And they might have distracted me from my thoughts. Getting confined to my room like that was hell.

But what hurt me above all is that they didn't trust me anymore. And I guess they were right not to.

I curled up, hugged my pillow, and retreated back into my realm of half-awake nightmares and hallucinations as the adrenaline from getting lectured wore off.