Author's Notes: Hey everyone! Just made it through the worst of my semester so hopefully I will be able to write a bit more, which makes me really happy. This chapter went a totally different direction than I thought it was going to. Letting you it is kinda sad, but I will be posting the next chapter tomorrow hopefully and I promise it makes up for it! Look forward to your review and always feel free to message me too :)
Chapter 10: Overloaded
Maya
We hop up from the bay window and walk out into the family room to pick a movie. "Riles, why don't you pick the movie and I will pop some popcorn and collect some snacks?" She immediately comes over and hugs me. Luckily it is quick but definitely spoke to her excitement. I head into the kitchen grab out the popcorn that is like really buttery. They say it is like movie theatre popcorn, but I think it is better. That is just me, Riley disagrees. As that is popping, I grab from our shared candy stash in the cabinet. I grab Riley's favorites: Milk Duds, Twizzlers, and Gummy Bears. She likes to cover all the candy food groups, including the cutesy food group. I grab a Milky Way for myself as I know I will end up eating most of the popcorn. Then I head to the cupboard for some cups to get us some drinks. I grab Riley's favorite cup. I got it for her. It has the solar system on it, but it includes Pluto still. I grab "my cup" as it has been labelled. Riley actually made it for me at one of those pottery painting places. She made an infinite sign, similar in shape to our rings but connect. Then she put our names in the circular part and on the back wrote Thunder and Lightening. I almost cried when she gave it to me. I stand there just looking at the cup.
Riley
I go over to look at movies. I could pick something more Maya's speed, which is like action, danger, and suspense, or I could pick something more my style, which is more romance. It is actually all romance. I sit and think for a moment. Which do you pick when you are trying to figure out if you have feelings for someone? The scary one which you can use to get close to them or the romantic one that sort of sets a mood. I think I will end up close to her anyway so I pick a romantic movie. Honestly, shouldn't have even thought about it, it was always going to go this way. I pick Definitely, Maybe, one of my absolute favorites!
I stand up to show Maya which movie I chose, but when I turn around I notice she is just staring at the cup I made her. I took so much time to make that cup. I wanted it to be perfect! It had to represent us perfectly and I wanted to show her that this was forever. This is forever.
I put the movie down on the table and quietly come up behind her. I wrap my arms around her waist and put my head on her shoulder. She jumps. "I didn't mean to startle you Peaches. You okay?" I think about how this feels. I had never thought about the things we do so naturally. We naturally hug each other all the time, hold hands, make grand romantic gestures, and so many other things that could be construed as "couple-ish." Definitely one of the puzzle pieces of the "Do I Have Feelings for Maya?!" puzzle.
"I'm okay. Just got distracted." She tenses a bit and politely escapes from my arms. It is definitely still an escape though. I wasn't ready for her to go and she usually wait for me to let go.
Maya
I got so distracted I didn't hear Riley come up behind me. I got so wrapped up in my feelings for her in that moment. Here was something that literally embodied part of us. Us. Then I felt her wrap herself around me. Her warmth radiates through me. She has always been my hot box, while I have always been weirdly cold. I realize pretty quickly this is not a safe place to be when I am already vulnerable and am supposed to be seriously trying to put up walls to protect myself.
I move out of her arms. It feels weird. Neither of us ever refuse each other's touch. I walk to the fridge to get our drinks. Apple juice for her and ginger ale for me. I rationalize in my head that that was a valid reason to walk away.
"Let's get the movie watching started. What did you pick?"
Riley
Still dealing with the sting a bit. I respond quietly, like I had lost my voice. "I picked Definitely, Maybe." I then realize how ironic that is. I start to laugh because at this point my anxiety has just taken over. Maya has moved everything over to the coffee table. My laughing rises however. I am becoming hysterical. It is all the stress, the anxiety.
This is when Maya looks up concern written all over her face. She slowly walks over. "Alright sweetheart. We are going to go curl up on the couch and watch a movie. You are going to eat all of the candy and popcorn you want. If you run out of apple juice, I will get you more. If needed, I will go buy more candy too." She looks up and smiles. She grabs my hand. That moment. The moment she grabs my hand I stop laughing hysterically.
She leads me over to the couch and sits down and pulls me down next to her. I look over the arrangement of items she has picked. She picked my favorite candies. She used my favorite cup. She got me my favorite drink. I look over at her. I just look at her. She knows me. She knows everything about me. She knows what to do when my anxiety gets really bad and honestly just calms me down by being there. How did I not see all of this before? What does this all really mean?
Maya
I am really worried. Riley was literally just freaking out. Like hysterical laughter level. That is the highest level I think I have witnessed. But now… now she is just sitting here looking at me. Looking into my eyes. I can feel my heart racing. What is she doing? Like we are affectionate and stuff, but we don't do this. This is just straight up romantic. My eyes flick down to her lips and that is when I know I need to move. I get up before my heart explodes or I do something stupid. I try to cover it up by putting on the movie. I do all of this methodically and more importantly slowly.
I bring my heart rate back down to a regular level. I grab the remote and walk over to the couch and take my place next to Riley. She immediately curls up against me. I am at the edge of the couch so I am sort of in a corner. Half her body overlaps mine and she lays her head on my shoulder. We have been touchy before, so this isn't weird right? Like, despite the fact that we have never stayed this way for like a really prolonged amount of time, this will be fine, right? Who am I kidding I'm fucked.
Riley
I know this movie backwards and forwards and do love every minute of it. But you know what I love more? Being this close to Maya. Snuggling into her feels right. It is definitely a step up from where we usually are but it is not a gigantic leap. I think this is a good way to test the waters on my feelings. I barely pay attention to the movie. I pay attention to how Maya's chest rises and falls. I pay attention to her heart beat. I notice how the longer we stay touching that we even each other's body temperatures and our breathing and heartbeats begin to match. We become one.
I did take note that when I first did this, Maya's heart rate skyrocketed. Her breathing was slightly erratic, but she was trying to hide it. However, in this position I caught it all. I thought this was really interesting. She calmed down quickly though. She ate the popcorn and drank her ginger ale. She is the only one who drinks it. We keep it in the fridge just for her. There are a lot of little things like that that we do. As I begin to process all this suddenly a light bulb sort of goes off in my head. I think Maya and I are in a sort of gray area. Because we are so close, we could be labelled as best friends or as girlfriends. It really just depends on our inclinations. I'm starting to think there is some level of interest on my end, but I am not going to rush it. I am going to let it roll naturally, especially considering I am not even sure. Then there is Lucas...
Maya
Not gonna lie… sitting like this, acting like this, just being like this... It feels really fucking amazing! Having Riley lying up against me. Feeling her. Just her. It feels so natural and comfortable. It is innocent, but It takes everything in me not to stroke her arm or run a hand through her hair or kiss her on the top of her head. It is just… we are so close. Here I am supposed to be protecting myself and all she does is break down those walls every time. I don't think it is possible for me to protect myself here. I think I need to accept the position I am in. I am in love with my best friend. I said it. To myself. In my head. Yup, I am losing it. But point is, I love her, but she has a date in a week with the boy she has had feelings for for 3 years. It is going to be painful. I know it is, especially if she keeps doing things like this.
I come out of my haze a bit and I look down at her. I see her move a hand up to her face and I feel a breath catch in her throat. "Riles, are you crying?"
"No." Obviously crying, I can hear it in her voice. "Riley sit up for a minute." I turn off the movie and change the channel to one of those music channels. I pick something soft, calming. I shift the way I am sitting. I put one leg up on the couch and motion for her to come closer. She looks at me a bit confused but scooches over despite this. As soon as she gets there, I pull her back flush against my body. I then grab the candy and stick it in her lap. I hand her her apple juice. Then I wrap my arms around her. We sit there and I just hold her.
Riley
Woah. So emotions sort of spilled out. I started crying. I was questioning my interest in Maya and then thinking about the fact that I have a date with Lucas. Then I started thinking about how my feelings for Maya could hurt Lucas. I never want to hurt anyone. It went from that to me thinking about so if I did have feelings for Maya, how would that change things? What if she wasn't interested back? Then I would have my best friend sitting here, but I would be in pain because to me she is more than that. This lead to what if we weren't able to be friends anymore and I just lost it.
I tried to hide my crying, but it's Maya and she is so perceptive when it comes to me. She noticed within like 30 seconds. But she did something I didn't expect. She wrapped herself around me, bringing us even closer together than we were before. It is at this moment I realize I definitely have feelings for Maya. Then I start really crying, like weeping. Like the fact that my parents didn't come check on us was amazing. But she just sat there and held me. The same thoughts just go around and around in my head. Lucas? Maya? What do I really want from a relationship? Who do I really want?
I think Maya soon realizes that my crying isn't going to stop anytime soon. So she subtly indicates for me to stand up, which I do. She grabs my hand and leads me to my room. She sits me on the bed. I watch as she walks over to my dresser and picks out a set of pajamas for me and grabs one of the t-shirt and pajama pants she keeps here. She hands me my pajamas. I am still sniffling. "I am going to go change in the bathroom I will be right back." She says very gently and looks at me for the okay. I nod. I slowly remove my clothes from the day and change into my pajamas. She picked my favorite of course. They are soft and comfortable. She knocks quietly. I come open the door.
She immediately grabs my hand, closes the door, and pulls me into a hug. I hold onto her so tight as the sobs rack my body. I put my head into the crook of her neck and listen to the quiet heartbeat I can hear. I hold onto her like I am losing her and am never going to see her again. I hold onto her like a child holds onto their favorite bear or blanket when they are really upset. Maya is my bear right now. I chuckle a little as I think hopefully Auggie won't eat her face off.
She takes this as a cue the I am calm enough to move. She releases me from the hug and leads me over to my bed. She climbs in and lifts the covers for me to join her. I lay down and she comes and puts her arms around me. She is here. She isn't going anywhere right now. This thought and her presence is what gets me to fall asleep. I fall asleep in her arms.