Chapter 10

BPOV – Saying Goodbye

A car driven by a drunk driver swerves in front of a semi trailer causing the truck driver to slam on his brakes and try valiantly to miss any other vehicle on the road. He is unsuccessful and must now live with the knowledge that through no fault of his own, his truck and livelihood has just been involved in the demise of a human life.

It was a daily occurrence on the news; accidents caused by bad choices; innocent lives being snuffed out by unthinking decisions made in the spur of the moment. Usually we watch, saddened by the loss but not really touched by it. Those people are strangers to us; people to feel sorry for but in the end not really impacting on our own lives.

This time it was different. This time we had to live with the consequences.

If I could have stayed in the haven of my room for the rest of my life I would have gladly done it. Nothing meant anything to me. Not the comings and goings of my sisters as they endeavored to make my life easier through providing every little thing I needed. Not the soft words of sympathy that passed the lips of those people who entered my room in the hopes of getting me out of my self imposed exile from life. Not the constant buzzing of my mobile as text after text came in offering condolences and assistance. People wanted to know what they could do to help and there was no answer I could honestly give except the one that was way beyond any of our means.

Bring Peter back to me. Let this all be one huge mistake. Give me back my best friend.

Today was the funeral. I knew it ….but I chose to pretend that it wasn't happening. I buried my face deeper into the pillows thus reinforcing my whole approach to ignoring the inevitable. My mother, Alice and Rosalie took turns to come in and remind me that I needed to get ready; that this was my opportunity to say my goodbyes. I remained safely ensconced in my bed. I had said my goodbyes on the night he had died, carefully held up by my family as I reached out to touch him one last time. He had looked so serene that I could almost believe that he was simply asleep. That was before I had touched him. He had been so cold and that was when it truly hit me; my warm blooded and warm hearted fiancé was gone. He had left me to live my life without his constant support. I wasn't sure how to do that.

A light knock on the door made me bury myself even further into the comfort of the doona. Why couldn't they understand that I just wanted to be left alone?

"Bella?" the timid voice came through the closed door and I was immediately alert. This was a person I needed to acknowledge; this was a person who was overpowered with guilt and didn't deserve to be. I should have made sure that he knew this before now. I was losing myself in my own despair.

"Come in," I countered and checked that I was halfway decent; not revealing anything that should not be shown. It was the first time that I had cared about anything because I didn't want to break the fragility of the man who was about to enter my room. Sitting up I faced the door, clenching the doona tightly within my hands.

When he came in I saw the pain and guilt I knew would be there. We looked at one another warily as he tugged at the bottom of his hair.

"Is it okay if I come in?" His voice was hoarse and unsure. I nodded at him and he came over to my bed and carefully perched himself on the side. When I crossed my legs to make room for him he moved to mirror my stance and sat facing me so that he was cross legged too. Sadness underpinned both our movements and expressions.

We sat like that for a while, not feeling the need to immediately speak. His presence was kind of like a balm on my shattered nerves though and I internally thanked him for that little bit of a reprieve. It was like he understood that I had no words to convey the way I felt and that I needed the silence more than I needed the questions. It was probably the same for him. After a while though I knew he had come in for a reason and I wondered when he would speak. I didn't have to wait too much longer.

"Are you going?" There was no judgment or accusation in the words; just a question.

"I don't want to." I answered honestly and it made him sigh.

"I don't want to either." He struggled to get his next words out and when he did it made me recognise the depth of his feelings; feelings he should not have. "….because I don't believe I deserve to be there."

It surprised me when I realized that I had reached across without thought and was gripping his knees with determination.

"You can't possibly believe that. You were….you are…his best friend. Noone deserves to be there more than you."

"Except you," He let the statement hang in the air. His intent was clear. If I believed my own words to him then I should be attending too.

"You're right Jasper. I do deserve to say goodbye properly but more than anything I owe it to him to make sure I am there."

"We both do. Bella. I just don't know how….how to do this. Over all of these years, no matter where I was or how far away we were from one another, he was my rock. He grounded me, supported me, made sure I knew I was valued….."

Tears came unbidden to my eyes. "He did exactly the same things for me Jasper."

He gripped my hands hard; a little too hard but I didn't let myself wince at the pain. "I am so sorry Bella… he did all of that and yet when he needed me…..when it counted the most….I couldn't….I couldn't help him. I should have been able to…..you shouldn't be dealing with this pain. I don't deserve to be there today."

I resisted the urge to tug my hands away from his strong grip and use those hands to shake him senseless. Instead I gently maneuvered my hands so that he had to relinquish his hold and I could place them on his shoulders.

"I know what you want from me Jasper Cullen. You want me to yell at you; to tell you that you can't go; tell you that this is all your fault and that way you have an excuse not to be there. You'll have an excuse to hide away from the pain of having to say goodbye to OUR best friend just like I have been trying to do all morning." The look of surprise that flitted across his face was almost laughable. He wasn't even aware of what he was doing. I knew. I knew because I had been doing exactly the same thing. It had to stop right now.

"Well it's not going to happen because I know, Jasper. I know what you and Edward did. I know that you risked your life to help him; to stay with him. I know that you did everything humanly possible to get him out of that car to save his life. I am more than aware that the two of you made sure that regardless of everything else there would be a body…." and my voice hitched hysterically at the thought of what I was saying "…for us to mourn. So don't come in here looking for me to give you excuses Jazz because as far as I am concerned you were the very best of friends for Peter right up to the end. You and I…..we are both going to be there to show him how much we loved him and respected him."

I was crying openly now and found myself moving involuntarily onto Jasper's lap so that he could wrap his arms around me in comfort. He held me, giving me endless whispered words of support and understanding, until the embarrassing emission of tears ceased and I was able to speak again, muffled against his chest.

"I have my own guilt, you know, Jasper," I shuddered at the thought that Peter had died knowing that he no longer held my heart in its entirety; that I had managed to slip and allow someone else to creep so tantalizingly close to what should have been only his. I would live with that guilt for a long time to come. I ached with it.

Jasper didn't answer; just continued to hold me until I looked at him earnestly "But Peter wouldn't have wanted us to feel bad about things that were so completely out of our control so…I think we have somewhere we need to be right now. Don't you?"

"Yes Bella. We can do this one together."

There were hundreds of people crammed into that small place of worship; of lamentation; of opportunity …..and yet I was only aware of a handful of them. Rick and Grace in their all encompassing grief. My family, always supportive. Emmett because of my concern that he was not well enough to be here after what he had been through. Jasper because his hand was tightly entwined with mine as he sat next to me, with my sisters hand over both of ours. And Edward….because I couldn't be anything but aware of him even as I resented that need and the extremely poor timing of it. He was sitting rigidly next to me, not touching me at all, and I could only imagine that he was as uncomfortable as I was with the seating arrangements. Emmett had forced his hand when they had walked into the church together and now there was nothing to do but try and ignore my overwhelming need to lash out at him for making me hurt Peter or, contradictorily curl up into him for some kind of moral support. Highly inappropriate and yet another cause for the constant guilt I was feeling.

Grace and Rick sat in front of me. Rick had his arms around his wife in a gentle demonstration of his love and support. She looked so fragile, so downtrodden and I couldn't comprehend what it must be like to lose your child; lose one of the things in your life that gave it the most meaning.

They were surrounded by family and when I had come in, the offer was made for me to sit with them but I politely declined, instead finding a seat behind them where I could not see the coffin so clearly. I looked everywhere but at the place where I knew Peter now lay. He wasn't meant to be there, in that small box. Everything about him was way too big to be trapped in such a small place; his heart, his love for others, his general zest for life. Too small. Too big. Too much.

I felt the warmth of my father's hand as he placed it on my shoulder, showing me that they were here for me, for all of us. I looked behind me to give him a small smile of thanks and saw the sympathetic faces of both my parents and Carlisle and Esme who were all sitting behind us. Feeling the tears threaten, yet again, I rolled my shoulders and turned back to the front and my study of the glass stained window above the alter.

The minister started the service and my mind began to swim with images of Peter, rather than listening to his words of praise and condolences. I found myself drowning in a sea of memories; trying to grasp the concept that this was all we had now, that there were no more memories to be made. I must have made a small noise of denial because Jasper and Alice's hand tightened on my own and Edward's face turned down to me in concern. His own face was etched with strain as if he was struggling with some unknown demon but I pulled away from the thought. This moment was about Peter and us giving him the send off he deserved; that he had earned by loving us all the way he did. Edward's demons would have to wait.

Friends and family got up to speak about Peter; about his goodness and his willingness to have fun. As hard as I concentrated on their speeches I struggled to actually take it all in. I was losing myself in the despair again. I wanted to escape. I wanted to make it all go away.

And then Alice got up. My sweet, brave sister did what I should have been able to do but would never be able to bring myself to. She gave Peter the respect that we all wanted for him. She said the words that showed him that we loved him and wished that things had been different. She was the one that gave him his warranted farewell…..and I had never loved her as much as I did in that moment.

"Peter was an amazing man but I don't have to tell any of you here that because you all know it. It is the reason you are here. Peter loved his family…" Alice smiled directly at Grace and Rick through the tears that were glistening on her eyelashes. " He loved his friends and he loved my sister…" Her eyes flicked to the ceiling and I knew she was trying so hard to keep herself in control. Jasper tensed next to me. "….enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her and he did that… his life may have been way too short for our liking…..we would have selfishly kept him here with us forever if we could have but…the fact is that Peter lived life to the fullest and would have wanted us to celebrate that…." She lifted her hand and pressed a button on a remote control so that Peter's face stared down at all of us from a screen that had been pulled down. "So we've put something together to give him his wish… we are going to concentrate on celebrating the happiness of Peter's life."

Music flooded the church and my head lifted as I heard the strains of one of Peter's favourite artists, Adele, echo through my mind.

When the rain is blowing in your face,

And the whole world is on your case,

I could offer you a warm embrace,

To make you feel my love

Peter as a small child in the arms of his doting mother, Peter being chased by his father on some faraway beach, hair blowing in the wind and an expression of absolute glee on his face. Peter with his arm wrapped around the shoulder of Jasper as they smiled crookedly and cheekily at the camera.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,

And there is no one there to dry your tears,

I could hold you for a million years,

To make you feel my love

School photos; Jasper always right there by his side and sometimes brief glimpses of Emmett and Edward as families got together. Peter dressed up for trick or treating. Peter learning how to ride a bike. Peter with his love of life always shining there for the camera to pick up. Peter never showing anything but joy in whatever he was doing.

My heart constricted a little.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,

But I would never do you wrong,

I've known it from the moment that we met,

No doubt in my mind where you belong.

More images of Peter but this time I was there too. I gasped at the photos they had chosen that showed the unspoken and natural love we had for one another before we even knew it. It was in the protective way he wrapped me in his arms or the way we looked at each other as we laughed at some unseen event off camera. Through the haze of memories I felt Edward twist in on himself as he attempted to make himself smaller, make himself not hurt so much. I wanted to reach out to him and let him know he would be okay but I couldn't drag myself away from the flashing photos on the screen. Now was Peter's time. Later….later I could help Edward. Tell him that this was not his fault.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue,

I'd go crawling down the avenue,

No, there's nothing I wouldn't do,

To make you feel my love

Photos of us grinning as he held my hand to show off the engagement ring he had given me. Photos of hugs and kisses as people congratulated us. Photos of graduation. Pictures of pride and relief that we could move on with the next aspect of our lives.

Only it didn't happen that way.

The storms are raging on the rolling seas,

And on the highway of regret,

Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

Photos of family and friends; people who were important in Peter's lives as was evident from the attention and the smiles and the touches he gave each and every one of them.

Such a loving person. Such a good man. How could he possibly deserve this ending? How could we possibly live without him in our lives?

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.

Nothing that I wouldn't do.

Go to the ends of the earth for you.

To make you feel my love.

Peter. Kind

Peter. Smart

Peter. Good

Peter. Gone

And there was no possible way that I could keep the tears from escaping now. It had been a moving tribute to my fiancé but it reminded me of everything we had lost. My silent sobs were racking my body with grief now and I pushed forward so that I could take in huge gulps of air without being completely open to everyone around me. Emmett reached across Edward to rub my back. I knew the touch of his huge hands without even looking but when I turned my head slightly to thank him it was Edward's eyes that caught my gaze instead and I cringed away from the blatant agony in his eyes as he watched my own suffering. He was sending me out a silent message and it seemed to say…

I am so sorry. I tried.

I would give anything to bring him back for you.

I would sacrifice myself if I could just make your pain go away.

I want to touch you and make you feel better.

But I can't. It's not my place. It has never been my place.

I was mesmerized by the controlled rigidity of his body which was in direct contrast to the openness of what he was trying to convey with his eyes. Only when Jasper spoke into my ear was I able to tear myself away from Edward's silent pleading and recognise that I was still sitting in the pew of a church, saying goodbye to the man who had always meant so much to me. I was dumbstruck at just how much Edward's presence could make me forget for even one moment where I was at. Nausea hit me and I took in a deep breath to counteract the feeling.

"It's time Bella," I watched uncertainly as Grace and Rick went forward to the coffin and paid their last respects. Rick almost had to carry Grace away from it when her knees buckled beneath her. They returned to their seats and other family members followed their lead and soon everyone around me were saying their own goodbyes. I knew that everyone was waiting for me to do what was expected of me but I couldn't move; couldn't bring myself to say goodbyes with everyone in that church watching my every action. I think the minister realized my dilemma and gave me some leeway by finishing off the service and dismissing the people from the church. Too slowly they exited and soon it was just me and Alice and Rosalie sitting in our seats waiting for what I would do next. I wasn't even sure of what it would be.

I rose quietly and walked the few steps over to the closed casket. Was he really in there? Where was he right now? Was he watching down on all of us and happy to see that he meant something to so many people? Did he see the interaction between Edward and I and think that I was somehow betraying him, even here at his funeral? Was there pain wherever he was? Did he love what Alice and Rosalie had put together for him? Would he ever forgive me?

I stroked the hard woodiness of the casket, feeling the coldness and the smoothness at the same time. It wasn't him but I spoke anyway.

"I hope you know how much I loved you Peter. How much you will always be in my heart. I want to say sorry for any little or big thing I ever did that caused you pain. I'd give anything to know that you are… that you were happy. I love you." I leant down to kiss the wood and wished that it was Peter's beautiful face that I was kissing instead. The tears rolled down and I turned away quickly to land into the arms of Alice and Rosalie who were there waiting patiently; who would always be there for me.

We walked out together into the warmth of the sunshine and I wasn't even sure if I would ever feel warm again. Alice and Rose tried hard to ensure that I was never alone as I was bombarded with people wanting to give me their love and support. It was all too much but something that had to be borne. I did it on auto pilot, muttering my thanks and pretending that I was interested in the mundane things that people were telling me about their lives as a distraction. It wasn't until I heard a high pitched voice speaking with venom that I was pulled out of my lackluster approach to those around me.

"You have a nerve even being here at all. How could you have sat through that entire service and felt that you had the right to be there, knowing what you did to him?"

I approached the side of the building where I could hear the horrible words coming from and I was already seeing red. I knew whose voice I was hearing. Victoria. Peter's cousin. But I had no idea who she was directing her scathing attack at and it really didn't matter. She had no right to be decimating Peter's memory by arguing with a guest at his funeral.

If I thought I was angry before it was nothing compared to how I felt when I saw who was on the other side of her spiteful comments and realized that he was doing absolutely nothing to defend himself, just standing there trying to pull at his hair but unable to do so because of his bandaged hands. His back was almost entirely to me so he didn't register my approach. Victoria's eyes widened as she saw my hand reach for the top of his bandaged hand and then move up his bare skin to land just under his elbow where I encircled his arm with my long fingers. I felt his shudder and then the following relaxation of his body which had been all tensed up until this point. I didn't focus on his response to me but did look at Victoria with determination in my eyes and tried to remain calm.

"Victoria. I know you're upset. We all are, but there is no point throwing accusations at someone who doesn't deserve them."

"He should have saved him. He was right there and he got out of it. How did Peter manage not to be so lucky? He could have done more." Victoria was about to say more but I couldn't let her keep talking. What she was saying was so unfair and I had no doubt it was reinforcing what Edward would have already been telling himself. She was doing way too much damage here.

"That's enough!" My voice cracked with anger. "You don't know what you're talking about and you have no right. I want you to leave now Victoria."

Victoria spluttered a little and Edward's mouth moved as if he wanted to say something. She moved away to rejoin the others at the front of the church while I leant against the wall and closed my eyes against my sudden tiredness. I wanted to go home now. Go back to the safety of my room again and lock myself away so that I didn't have to deal with this kind of crap.

"I'm sorry Bella. I truly am," Pain and guilt. Always pain and guilt. Could it ever be anything different?

My hand was still encircling his arm and he was looking down at it in confusion. I dropped it and pushed myself away from the wall.

"I don't want or need your apologies Edward because I know the truth. You can't blame yourself for what happened. You were there for Peter when no one else was. You helped him and I will always appreciate that. I will never blame you for what you did that day. There is no blame to be had."

"But I…." His attempt to oppose what I said made me angry all over again. I held my hand up to him. He needed more but I couldn't give it to him. I was red raw already and my wounds were nowhere near healing so that I could help someone else do so.

"Don't! I can't do this right now. I don't want to be here. I don't want to watch the guilt eat away at you when there was nothing you could have done. I need you to believe that I don't blame you. I need you to give me one less thing to feel bad about. Please, Edward, please."

He was struck with remorse and I could no longer look at him. He nodded as I turned away and left him to his own devices. I wanted to take him into my arms like Jasper had done for me earlier today and make all his concerns go away; maybe even make some of mine go away too but it would be wrong so I didn't.

Instead I just walked away and escaped, hoping that no one would follow. That they would let me make my escape. That they'd let me ignore the need to be there for someone other than Peter. That they'd let me find a place where Peter was all I registered.

Peter.

Peter.

I am so sorry Peter.

I truly am!