Happy Thursday! I know I said 2 weeks and this is the third-sorry! I shall not make up any lame excuses, but rather just let you read. Enjoy!
Chapter 10 Building
I lay on my bed, hands tucked behind my head imagining shapes and patterns in the popcorn ceiling above my bed. Despite Jacob's presence late into the evening, I could honestly say that today had been one of the best days of my existence. It was a shame that the nights did not pass as beautifully as my days.
Once the football game ended Bella escaped to the kitchen and I followed. She declared it 'left-overs' night and emptied the fridge for our evening meal. I learned the finer workings of a microwave and Bella laughed at my lack of knowledge when it came to re-heating food. Jacob invited himself to stay for dinner and thankfully ate the majority of the left-overs. I wasn't able to muster the same enthusiasm that I had had for lunch, but I still managed to clean my plate. Being first done also meant I was able to help Bella with the dishes. It amazed me how easily we fell in line together and how relaxed she seemed to be around me.
The discomfort came later when Bella locked herself in the bathroom for an hour long bubble bath. She deserved to have a good soak and relax the muscles she had used all day, but it was pure torture for me. I excused myself to my room where I buried myself under the mattress. Not even all of its padding could muffle the sounds of Bella in the bath. I tried to focus my mind on something other than Bella, but her occasional sighs and splashes took my thoughts down dirty roads that I didn't even know I possessed. By the time she had drained the tub I was fully disgusted with myself. I, in all honesty, was no better any other 17 year old boy and I couldn't believe my lack of self-control.
My lack of self-control went even farther as I grabbed my towel and waited outside the bathroom door. I knew what waited for me: a clean, rosy cheeked Bella, whose damp hair would heighten her glorious smell. I couldn't wait to experience her. Bella opened the bathroom door and jumped at my close proximity. She was even more beautiful than I had imagined.
"Oh, Edward, I didn't…"
"Did you leave any hot water?" I asked playfully and breathed in her fresh, warm scent.
"Nope, I don't think I did." She replied with a smile and then leaned in closer to whisper, "and I'm not even sorry."
I gave an exasperated sigh and mumbled "Girls." I then jumped in surprised as she took a jab at my side. Her fingers worked at my side and I couldn't help but laugh. Bella's actions were completely unexpected and her feather-like touch brought out an honest laugh. As quickly as she started, Bella stopped her attack and pointed a dainty finger at my face.
"Let that be a warning." She said roughly. Her voice had beautiful command, only the twinkle in her eye revealed that she was joking.
My mouth twisted into a wicked smile. I place my hand on the door jamb beside Bella's head, essentially blocking her escape.
"Don't start what you can't finish, Bella." I growled softly to her.
Bella, in her splendid boldness, didn't baulk at my voice. She placed her small hand in the center of my chest and curled my shirt in her fist. A gentle pull brought me to her level and we stared face to face. Bella took in a deep breath and let out a low growl. It was almost threatening—nothing like the sound she had created at our 'growling lesson'. A shiver ran involuntarily down my spine.
Lord, God Almighty. I spoke inwardly, what is this glorious creature you have created? And in that moment I knew: every action from here forward would revolve around this amazing girl, every thought would be Bella-centered, and every dream for the future would involve her.
A small smile graced her face while a blush rose from her neck up to her cheeks. And as her pulse quickened I rejoiced in a new victory: the blood thirsty beast was not raging within me. With electricity pulsing between us a very new beast came to life; a carnal beast that craved Bella in a completely different way. I squeezed my eyes to try and extinguish the fire growing within me.
"Edward." Bella whispered softly. Her free hand came and rested softly on my cheek. My eyes shot open with the contact. Bella stared deep within my eyes. I don't know what she was looking for, but whatever she found didn't seem to dissuade her.
"It is okay—everything will turn out alright." She spoke softly as she addressed my fears. But how could she know my fears? How could she possibly even begin to fathom what I dreaded? The anxiety began to build within me again.
"I could help, if you'd let me." Bella murmured. I let out a long breath and straightened up, pulling myself from her grasp.
"You deserve better." I whispered to the floor, unable to meet Bella's gaze. She snorted in reply.
"Good night, Bella, sleep well." I said dismissively as I stepped aside. With a huff Bella took the cue and marched off to her room, shutting the door with more force than necessary.
I took a long cold shower without breathing. I knew the lingering smell of Bella would wreak havoc on my already torn mind and emotions. What I said was true: Bella deserved more than I could ever provide her. She deserved a life full of every experience, one of successes and failures and …growth. I could not offer that—everything about my existence was stagnate. The only things that changed in my lifecycle were the lies I wove around myself. Lies about my 'family', lies about my actions, lies about my past—that was all I could offer Bella: lies.
Numb and mentally exhausted I retreated to my small room and locked myself inside. With the Chief still asleep in his recliner I fled out the window and into the black night. I let my consciousness slip and allowed the beast to take over. Without any lucid thoughts I killed and drained two deer. Fed and sated, the beast faded and relinquished control, forcing my mind back into clarity and back to the situation at hand.
I didn't know what to think, or even where to start. I was, irrevocably and completely in love with Bella. Every part of me desired her: her mind, her company… her body… and her blood. And it was because of my love and the strength of these desires that I knew I could not allow myself to be with Bella. This knowledge tore at my silent heart creating an inward pain I didn't even know what possible. My arms wrapped around myself, trying to stifle the pain that only grew. Just when I was about to scream in agony my phone buzzed in my pocket.
"Alice." I said numbly, amazed that my voice was not full of the grief I felt.
"Edward," Alice's voice was weary and fearful, "Edward, I can't see you anymore!"
I immediately was on my feet and searching the forest. If Alice couldn't see me, it could mean that a werewolf was nearby.
"What do you mean, Alice?" I asked once I was certain I was alone. "I don't smell or hear anyone—there is no one here."
"No, I can see you now." Alice began impatiently and then her words began to overflow at vampire speed. "But next week… I wanted to look ahead and see what the future held… just in case you were going to have any problems… and I can see Monday and Tuesday and maybe Wednesday…. I don't know that's when things get fuzzy and then you disappear completely!"
"Relax, Alice." I said dismissively, "This isn't the first time you haven't been able to see very far in advance. There are probably too many decisions between now and Wednesday. Or maybe things are finally falling in place with Child Agency and I'm coming home or moving elsewhere." It hurt to say—at this point I couldn't imagine separating myself from Bella. Even though, just moments ago, I admitted I shouldn't be a part of Bella's future, I wasn't ready to leave her—I couldn't imagine leaving her.
"No, Edward! It isn't like that—I feel blind! Like when you decided to visit the Quileutes. What is going on? Are you planning on seeing the dog again?!"
"No, I am not planning on going anywhere near there ever again… you said on Wednesday? Perhaps Sam needs to come into town and I run into him here." I was no longer as concern as Alice was. This was bound to happen now that I was in close proximity to a werewolf. I couldn't understand why she was throwing such a fit.
"Ugh!" She cried out, "Now I can't see you on Monday! No… wait…"
I waited politely for a few moments but was already done with this conversation. "Alice, stop, please."
Perhaps she finally heard the anxiety in my voice, "Edward, what happened? What's wrong?"
I sighed loudly and found my face in my hands. I didn't know how to explain myself. I've fallen in love with an amazing woman, Alice. Problem is she's human… and I'd very much enjoy eating her. But then I'd live eternally with the fact that I killed the one person that I cared the most for. It is completely crazy—I've known her for less than a week. I know hardly anything about her and yet I know, deep down within my soul, that she is the perfect person for me. I laughed humorlessly—that conversation was not going to happen.
"Alice," I started slowly, praying she hadn't seen what I was tempted to tell her. "I'm fine. Living with a human family is just bringing a new set of challenges, several of which I'm not sure I'm ready for."
"Oh, Edward," Alice's tone was relieved, "I can't imagine any of us being able to do what you are doing, besides Carlisle perhaps. You have amazing control—I know you'll pull through this."
"Says the physic that cannot see past a few days." I retorted teasingly.
Alice sighed heavily on the phone. I could picture her scrunching up her face in attempt to bring the future to her mind. "I don't know what's coming, Edward, or even when it is coming. But something big is going to happen, please just tell me you are going to be safe. Promise me you won't do anything stupid."
"Alice, I promise not to purposefully do anything stupid that would endanger myself." I sore solemnly. I've already done the craziest thing: I've given my heart to a human. Only she possesses the power to hurt me, the power to break my heart.
My promise seemed to put Alice at ease. After giving me a quick update of the rest of the family the conversation came to a close and I was, once again, left alone with my thoughts. By now the deer carcasses had begun to smell and I seized the opportunity for another distraction. With a deer over each shoulder I began to run the longest route to the coast. It took only a few minutes to reach the jagged coastline where the waves crashed angrily against the rocks. One running leap off of the nearest boulder sent me flying into the air and then into the salty water. My unnaturally dense body began to sink and soon I stood on the sea floor. Like the shoreline, this area was dotted with rocks and boulders their heads worn smooth from the constant advance and retreat of the waves. Walking further from the break zone I found a cluster of rocks that would serve my purpose. I buried one deer beneath the rocks and wedged the other between a two of the largest boulders. The sea and its creatures would take care of everything from here—it was time to return home.
The run back to the Swans' was shorter than usual. Subconsciously my legs pushed harder and faster to return home and, before I was ready, I was standing at the edge of the lawn. I ran my hand through my hair roughly—get it together, Edward! You are not thinking clearly anymore!
It was a harsh reality realizing just how much my brain was not functioning like it normally would. I was making moves and taking action with little or no thought to the outcome. I wasn't naturally an impulsive creature and the change bothered me. I looked down at my salt stained clothes, wind dried and stiff. Didn't even think about this—how are you going to clean yourself up, Edward? My fingers clawed at the residue the sea had left on my skin. I desperately needed a shower, but knew that wasn't a possibility. The garden hose ended up being my only choice. I shook my head as the crooked smile returned to my face, Getting lost in thought results in a naked vampire scrubbing his clothes out behind the house—if only my family could see me now! I chuckled darkly and rung out my pants one last time before sneaking back into the house. The house remained quiet as I placed my damp clothes in the washer and retreated to bed.
I lay motionless as I tried to wrangle my mind back into submission. Edward, you aren't spontaneous, I thought. I needed to plan my moves; any slip could trigger curiosity, bring unwanted attention, or even ruin my entire façade. I knew secrecy was key to my existence and yet I kept slipping up. All the slips revolved around one person: Bella. I was too comfortable around her and, strangely, it was too easy to be myself.
Popcorn ceiling shapes became boring and my circular inner battle continued to take me nowhere. Thankfully at five o'clock the coffee maker kicked on and the Chief's alarm sounded. Soon, Chief Swan was in the kitchen pouring himself a cup of coffee. I debated getting out of bed, but decided against it. A normal teenager would 'sleep in' till noon. And honestly, the Chief wasn't the Swan I was interested in spending extra time with.
Within a half hour, the cruiser pulled out of the driveway and the Chief's static mind was out of hearing range. It was only then I emerged from my room. I filled the washer with all my dirty clothes and crept upstairs to take a proper shower. Dressed and clean, I found myself outside of Bella's room, my ear cocked toward the door, listening to even breaths of her sleep. My hand hovered over the doorknob. Stop it Edward, this is a line you shouldn't cross. And so I fled downstairs and buried myself beneath the covers of my tiny bed. I wasn't sure how long the Chief would be gone and I used this excuse to seal my decision.
I remained in my self-declared exile until there was a soft knock on my door.
"Edward? Are you in there?" Bella called quietly through the door.
"Yes." I replied.
The door opened slowly till and Bella poked her head around. Even though she had been up for a few hours, Bella's hair was still not brushed. Her untamed mane stood in charming contrast to her alert and expressive eyes which flitted around the room. Her eyes paused on my backpack and opened suitcase lying in the corner and then she locked on to the only other new item in the small room, the simple picture frame I had put on the dresser.
"I didn't know if you had gone fishing was Charlie." Bella addressed me, but her eyes never left the picture frame, "I was going to start some laundry, but I think you've got a load in there…"
"Right, I apologize, I had forgotten I had started it." I rose out of bed and skirted around Bella to move my load of laundry to the drier. I left the frame where it stood—not quite ready for the conversation my family's appearance was sure to bring up. I hoped that Bella wouldn't press that matter just yet.
I was still transferring clothes when Bella appeared in the doorway. "Did you eat yet? I was going to cook some eggs."
I smiled, "No, thank you. I'm not hungry, yet."
Bella eyed me with suspicion. "I had a late night snack, last night." I told her, trying to placate her desire to keep me well fed. The comment seemed to work and Bella disappeared in the kitchen.
Unable to force myself back into my room, I found the newspaper on the kitchen table and settled in.
"You said the Chief was fishing?" I asked nonchalantly, "How long is he usually gone?"
Bella shrugged and continued to busy herself with the pan on the stove—its smell was already beyond unappetizing. "Depends on the fish: he could be back by lunch or not be home till long after dinner, he won't leave if their biting."
The newspaper held my attention through Bella's breakfast of a bizarre looking pair of eggs, the yoke runny with the whites gelatinous yet firm. She stabbed the yokes with a piece of toast and ate with enthusiasm. I made a mental note to never try eggs; I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach them. Bella seemed to linger in the kitchen and I understood why. This room was a very 'safe' place for 'us'. Bedrooms and the bathroom were obviously private areas, the living room seemed to be claimed by the Chief and his TV, but the kitchen was all Bella's. Perhaps I had gained right into her territory by helping with the dishes and cooking. Whatever the reason, I was grateful.
Quickly, I grabbed my backpack and pulled out the textbooks of the classes we shared. I returned the kitchen with my things and began the monotonous torture that was homework. As on cue, Bella retrieved her own backpack and claimed the opposite end of the table. She flipped to the required reading for our Shakespeare class and began reading. Her lips moved as she silently read, her expression changing with every line.
"Shakespeare is meant to be read aloud. Would you like to read with me?" I asked softly, seeing a beautiful opportunity.
Unfortunately Bella hesitated at the idea, "And make you suffer through my reading—I don't think so."
"You've read characters aloud in class, I promise to not give you any male parts." I added a small smile, attempting to dazzle her.
Bella rolled her eyes, but her heart skipped excitedly, "Ha! Mrs. Davis only gives me small parts, but she picks you for every male lead. Don't try to pretend that your perfect iambic pentameter doesn't have her swooning. It is embarrassingly obvious."
I snickered softly. Bella was absolutely correct, what she didn't realize was my iambic pentameter had most of the girls in the class swooning. It was something I had hoped would work on Bella, but obviously my talents hadn't softened her, yet.
"Fine, you read the male leads, then. Where are you in Act II?"
Bella sighed loudly. "Lysander and Hermia enter."
"Perfect." I motioned for her to begin and waited patiently until Bella finally starting reading aloud Lysander's part.
Fair love, you faint with wandering in the wood;
And to speak troth, I have forgot our way:
We'll rest us, Hermia, if you think it good,
And tarry for the comfort of the day.
This section, although beautiful and perhaps more than apt for my most recent struggle, was most likely going to be uncomfortable for Bella. So I decided to lighten the mood and began reading aloud Hermia's part in my highest falsetto.
Be it so, Lysander: find you out a bed;
For I upon this bank will rest my head.
Bella giggled softly, but otherwise ignored my foolishness, and continued to read:
One turf shall serve as pillow for us both;
One heart, one bed, two bosoms and one troth.
I overlooked her small squirm; it was only going to get worse from here.
Nay, good Lysander; for my sake, my dear,
Lie further off yet, do not lie so near.
"Oh come, on Hermia—let's be a little more convincing." I looked up to see if Bella was addressing my delivery. I opened my mouth to repeat the line, but Bella interrupted. "No, not you, I mean—I really wish this play had at least one strong female character. They are all jokes. Helena comes close, but is made a fool with the love triangle later. Titania is able to stand up against her husband, but practically loses her ability to function once she falls in love with Bottom. 'Bottom', really Shakespeare, what a name…"
"Well, this is a romantic comedy." I started, but wasn't allowed another word.
"No, Shakespeare lacks the ability to make a woman anything but stupid once the word 'love' is said. No matter if they are in love, or in love with the idea of love: his girls, even the ones that started off strong, all end up 'ga-ga' and senseless with love." Bella rolled her eyes, sat back in her chair and crossed her arms, "It is no wonder that most writers and society as a whole have in same inability—everyone places Shakespeare on a holy pedestal and does their best to regurgitate his works!"
"Women are naturally more emotional. It makes it easy to believe that they could lose themselves when concurred by such a strong feeling as love." I countered gently.
"That's a cop-out answer." Bella stated and leaned forward, elbows resting on the tabletop with arms crossed as if to challenge me.
I thought just briefly before moving towards the table to mirror her stance. "I don't for a second believe that men are immune to the same stupidity. Anyone, male or female, could lose themselves completely once in love. When a selfish being's focus suddenly changes from self to some else, it is impossible to retain a firm grasp on reality. Their reality now revolves around and depends solely upon another, on someone they cannot control. That loss of control could lead to madness, especially if the love is not mutual. Men may not show their insanity like women, but their actions tend to be just as stupid."
By the time I had finished Bella's face was flushed and her heart had, once again, picked up its pace. Bella chewed on her lower lip momentarily before clearing her throat and returning to the text.
O, take the sense, sweet, of my innocence!
I made note of Bella's dramatic eye roll and smiled as she continued.
Love takes the meaning in love's conference.
I mean, that my heart unto yours is knit
So that but one heart we can make of it;
Two bosoms interchained with an oath;
So then two bosoms and a single troth.
Then by your side no bed-room me deny;
For lying so, Hermia, I do not lie.
Bella raised her eyes. They were filled with disbelief; she was obviously not swayed by Lysander's words. And neither was Hermia, as I read:
Lysander riddles very prettily:
Now much beshrew my manners and my pride,
If Hermia meant to say Lysander lied.
But, gentle friend, for love and courtesy
Lie further off; in human modesty,
Such separation as may well be said
Becomes a virtuous bachelor and a maid,
So far be distant; and, good night, sweet friend:
Thy love ne'er alter till thy sweet life end!
"See, Hermia is 'stupid' with love." I tried to point out.
"No, she's just concerned about what the neighbors would say..."
Amen, amen, to that fair prayer, say I;
And then end life when I end loyalty!
Here is my bed: sleep give thee all his rest!
I ended this speaking part with Hermia's last line and an exaggerated flourish.
With half that wish the wisher's eyes be press'd!
They sleep
Bella sighed and pushed away her book, "Let's pause before Puck comes in to ruin everything."
"What's the point of having fairies in the play if they don't make a muck of things?" I asked playfully.
Bella smiled mischievously and was about to speak when the phone interrupted. She rose and answered it, "Hello?"
"Hey Bells!" Jacob Black replied from the other end. "My dad just got off the phone with Harry and it sounds like they'll be out late. Do you want to come over for dinner?"
"Um, well, it is Sunday night—my night off from cooking… hold on, I'll ask Edward." Jacob had already started to reply—probably to clarify his invitation—but Bella didn't hear. She placed her hand over the receiver and addressed me, "Edward would like to go down to the Black's for dinner? We'll probably order pizza or maybe have Harry's fish fry. Either way, there is always a lot of good food."
I tried to keep my face neutral. I was certain I was not invited over to the Black's, "No, thank you. I should stay home and catch up on homework. Football doesn't leave too much free time."
I pretended to read, trying not to reveal anything with my face or stance. Bella studied me for several moments before restarting her conversation with Jacob, "What time should I be down the Jake?"
"Anytime, you could come right now. I'm replacing the hoses on the Rabbit and I know how you like to watch a man work." Jacob's tone was improper and far too suggestive. I didn't care for how he talked to Bella, nor the way she blushed at his words.
Mine. The carnal beast raged.
Bella laughed easily, "Right, whatever you need to tell yourself. I've got homework to do right now though."
"Okay, I'll pick you up at 4 then."
"I can drive myself, Jacob." Bella bristled
"Sure you can, but the Rabbit will need a good drive after I've put her back together."
"Fine, whatever."
"Excellent." The smile in Jacob's voice was audible. "See ya then, Bells!"
"Sure, sure Jake. Bye."
Bella returned to the table, but our moment was lost. She began a math assignment and I was forced to work alone. We shared brief snippets of conversation, but I no longer held Bella's full attention. Each of us was very aware of the clock. Bella, assumingly looking forward to her evening on the reservation and me, regretting every second at brought us closer to being apart.
I find it amusing how much a chapter can change. When I write I have a very general, very loose timeline-mostly just an ending point and then situtations I'd like the characters to experiance along the way. This means that with some chapters I really don't know where I'm going to end up. This chapter was like that. I started and wrote 5 pages and then deleted the last two-it was a boring chapter. A week later I had written many more pages that were of a completely different tone and included a very different situtation. Had I planned to use Mid Summer's Night Dream? Nope-but somehow I ended there! I hope this chapter wasn't too much of snore-I promise that we are moving quickly towards some wonderful stuff. I know exactly where this next chapter is going-I think it'd be fantastic.
Thank you to those who Reviewed, I do read them all and I appreciate every word. Until next time, ~raca