The hum of the instruments and the beeps of the monitors were soothing to Kathryn's nerves. It was late, probably around 0100 hours, and she was on gamma shift. As part of her new command duties, she was rotating through all the jobs in the department to become more familiar with them in preparation to eventually run it herself.
The upside of this particular rotation was that working off-hours meant less awkward interactions with her fellow crewmembers. She could focus on the work without distraction. Intellectually, she was glad that she wouldn't always have to work the graveyard shift, but she couldn't deny that she was happier working by herself these days.
It also meant that she wasn't laying in bed, cold and alone and thinking about Ethan. Even though she was used to being away from him during missions, it was different to know he wasn't waiting for her back home. She didn't regret her decision exactly. She knew that it was the right thing. That a relationship with a man who couldn't support her wouldn't survive. But it didn't stop the loneliness that plagued her in the night.
"So how are the nanoflares doing tonight, Lieutenant?" Kathryn jumped at the voice behind her and swiveled in her seat to see Captain Paris standing behind her. He smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."
"It's okay," she assured him. "Things get pretty quiet during gamma shift. I didn't realize anyone was here."
He sat down at the workstation next to hers and began to pull up the data she'd been reviewing. "Captain," she began hesitantly, "what are you doing here this late?"
Paris shrugged as he checked the readings on the console in front of him and she wondered if he was deliberately avoiding her eyes. "I couldn't sleep."
For a moment, Kathryn wondered just what sort of dreams he had these days. "I'm sorry," she murmured.
He looked at her in surprise then forced a smile. "I'm fine."
She met his eyes unflinchingly, shaking her head. "You don't have to be. Fine, I mean. Not with me. I know you have to be professional in front of everyone else. But... you don't have to in front of me."
Paris sucked in a breath and refused to meet her eyes. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Lieutenant."
She knew she should let it go. She knew it. But she couldn't. "I understand why you want to pretend nothing happened. I understand. But I already know. I saw it. You don't have to pretend with me. I know… " She fell quiet for a moment, suddenly hesitant. "I know what you went through."
Paris still wouldn't look at her, but his demeanor shifted at her words. He started to reach out towards her, then seemed to think better of it. "Thank you," he murmured.
They both fell silent and she turned back towards her console. "I broke up with my boyfriend," she blurted out.
Paris looked up at her in surprise and confusion. "What?"
"I just… things changed. After I got back. And it didn't work out. So you don't have to pretend it didn't change you. It changed me."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
She shrugged and turned away uncomfortably. "It's okay." Why are even telling him this? "It's probably better this way," she continued, nervously tucking a long strand of auburn hair behind her ear.
"Why do you say that?"
Kathryn opened her mouth and tried to figure out how to respond. How was she even having this conversation? "I just- " She shook her head. "We didn't want the same things anymore. And he didn't understand. How I could come back out here." Turning back to the console, she gave a derisive chuckle. "I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy. But… you understand, right?"
"I do. You're not crazy," Paris assured her, giving her an unguarded smile for the first time that night. "Passionate, maybe. But not crazy."
Kathryn's heart lifted and she opened her mouth, wanting to respond even if she wasn't quite sure what to say yet. But before she could, a loud, insistent beeping blared at them, and Kathryn's fingers immediately went to console to see what could have disrupted her scans. Pulling up the sensor screen, she found that there was an unexpected source of gamma radiation building up near the nanoflares.
"I can't isolate the source of the radiation," she said.
"Try recalibrating the aft sensors."
Kathryn's brow furrowed as she worked, focused solely on the mystery before her. "It shouldn't be there," she muttered, "unless…". Once the re-calibration was complete, she ran a new scan. As the results began to update, the data slowly became clearer. "It's actually coming from the center of the flares." She shook her head in disbelief. "That means… "
Paris chuckled softly. "It means you were right."
"I can't believe it! This is amazing… the presence of gamma radiation in a flare means it's turbulent. No one knew that could happen at these length scales." She turned towards him, her smile widening. "This changes everything we know about nanoflares." Turning back to the readout, she could almost forget everything that happened before. Her whole attention was focused on the data before her. She didn't even notice when Owen stood up and moved behind her. But she felt it when he pressed one hand onto her shoulder and leaned in.
"Look right here," he murmured near her ear. He raised a hand, finger pointing at her display screen. "Right there." A thrill moved through her body as her gaze followed his finger.
"It's fluctuating," she noted. "Why?"
His voice was right in her ear and she shivered. "I'm not certain." He clapped his hand against her shoulder. "But you have more work to do."
Kathryn smiled.
When Owen finally retired for the night, it was nearly 0300 hours and he was bone tired. It had become the only way he could even attempt to sleep these days. His body seemed to have decided, without consulting his brain, that the only way to avoid the terrible dreams was to simply avoid sleep at all costs. Unfortunately, the resulting sleep deprivation only increased his already heightened irritability.
He hoped he was tired enough to overcome his body's reluctance, because he was utterly exhausted and would have given anything to caught a few solid, uninterrupted hours of sleep before alpha shift.
Climbing into bed, the sheets felt cold and empty, and he felt a sudden and overwhelming pang of loneliness. He and Julia were more than used to long periods away from one another. It was wonderful to be together, but they had both always been comfortable with the inevitable separation that his missions brought. But after his last mission, everything had been different, his whole world turned upside down and inside out, and at times like this he craved the intimacy and warmth of Julia's touch.
He pulled the blanket under his chin. "Computer, raise the temperature three degrees."
Owen Paris was a man who preferred hard lines and clear boundaries. This had served him well in the hierarchical structure of Starfleet. He was the captain. Each person on his crew had a specific role. Other captains might maintain a more casual, cordial environment on their ships, but not Owen. He did not fraternize with his crew. Even among his senior staff, such socializing was limited. It was better that way. Easier that way.
All of that had gone out the window with Kathryn. She'd always had a way of pushing through boundaries to get what she wanted. It was something he'd simultaneously admired in her and strove to limit and corral. But since their last mission, everything had turned upside down. So he'd sought out the company of the only person who understood what he'd been through.
Owen reached the sofa and handed a wine glass to Kathryn. He sat down on the other end of the sofa, setting his own wine glass down on the coffee table in front of them.
As he watched her settle back in, the remains of their shared dinner on the table behind him, he realized just how much he had come to enjoy the time they'd spent together. He couldn't have imagined a month ago that he would be enjoying a relaxing bottle of wine with her. Or being so comfortable while doing it. He hated feeling… dependent on anyone or anything, but between the added stress and the fact that his wife was light-years away, he had become quite attached to the time he spent with Kathryn.
"So," he began, "how is the research going?"
"Good!" she enthused. "I mean, you know, it's mostly just documenting everything right now. We have to replicate our initial findings. It's going to take some time." She smiled. "But, I'm really enjoying it."
"I'm glad."
Kathryn took another sip of wine, and Owen felt his happiness swell. It was so wonderful to see her happy and relaxed and to hear the enthusiasm in her voice when she spoke about her work. It renewed his faith in the future. Maybe everything would be okay after all.
"I hope it's okay if I say this," he began. "But it makes me happy to see you so excited." She looked at him in mild confusion, so he continued. "To know that what happened hasn't ruined your enthusiasm for this work."
To his surprise, her shoulders slumped and she curled in on herself a little. "I wish Ethan had felt that way."
He reached out and gave her knee a brief squeeze, hoping he wasn't overstepping his bounds. "I'm sorry."
Kathryn shook herself and brightened, although Owen suspected it was somewhat forced. "It's okay. Really." She shrugged. "I shouldn't have brought it up."
He took a sip of his own wine and frowned. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She gave him a sad smile and his stomach twisted. "I don't know. It's fine." She twirled her wine glass absentmindedly. "I mean… I guess I just thought we had a good thing. But… we just didn't want the same things."
Owen took another sip of wine and waited to see if she would continue.
"He… he wanted to protect me."
A slight smile slid across Owen's face. "Is that so bad?" There was a big part of him that couldn't blame Ethan for his intentions.
Kathryn glared. "He wanted me to give up everything!" She gestured broadly with the wine glass and Owen wondered if the wine was already affecting her. "Everything!"
Owen swallowed his grin with sip of wine. They hadn't had that much, but Kathryn was petite, and he had to remember the alcohol would probably affect her faster. Soon it would definitely be time to make sure she got safely back to her quarters.
She sighed grumpily. "He wanted me to transfer. To somewhere safer. To give up my career goals."
Ah. "I'm sorry."
"It's better this way." She gestured again with the wine glass, pointing in his direction. This time a few drops of wine sloshed out and began to slide down the outside of the glass. Before they could escape too far, Kathryn caught them with her thumb and brought it to her mouth. As Owen watched, she sucked her thumb between her lips, tongue darting out to catch the wine. "I just need to find the right person," she continued, undeterred. "I need a supportive partner. Like you have."
At the mention of his wife, the atmosphere changed in a way Owen couldn't explain. The thought of Julia in that moment made him slightly nauseous. Any other time he would have agreed wholeheartedly. But now… Another swallow of wine washed away the tight feeling in his chest. "Actually… Julia didn't want me to go on this mission."
Kathryn looked up in surprise. "Really?"
Owen rubbed his neck. "I think she was afraid I wasn't ready yet."
She swallowed uncomfortably. "Oh. I'm sorry. I don't really know what to say."
They sat awkwardly in silence for several moments. Owen took another sip of wine, draining his glass. He picked up the bottle to refill their glasses and was surprised to find it was empty. Usually he wouldn't open more than one bottle of wine for dinner. But tonight had been different. He was just having too nice of a time and he knew neither of them had to be on duty first thing in the morning. It was the perfect time to relax. And didn't he deserve to finally relax a little? After this glass, he'd make sure she went back to her quarters. After a moment's hesitation, he stood up and waved his glass in Kathryn's direction. "Another?"
"Yes. Please."
He crossed his quarters to the replicator and got them another bottle of cabernet. When he returned, Kathryn smiled at him as he refilled her glass and he felt a little lightheaded. Owen watched as Kathryn took another sip of her wine. When she caught him staring at her, she smiled shyly, the pink flush of her cheeks deepening.
Looking away, Owen set his glass down on the table and sat down next to her. "Don't worry about Ethan. You are… so smart. And so passionate. If Ethan wasn't the right person, then you'll find someone better, I have no doubt." Owen suddenly realized he'd been leaning in towards her. He pulled back, but Kathryn didn't seem to notice. Her blush deepened at his words and she bit down on her bottom lip.
She swallowed and he could see the muscles in her face and throat ripple under her skin. Then she began to lean in towards him. For a moment, he was frozen, transfixed by her gaze. She leaned in closer and bit her lip again, drawing his eyes back to her mouth.
What are you doing?
Owen pulled back, clearing his throat loudly, then he stood up and began to clear away dinner. "It's probably time for you to get back to your quarters, Lieutenant," he told her, looking anywhere but her face. His tone left no room for argument and Kathryn excused herself quickly and quietly. Owen sat down heavily on the couch after he'd finished recycling their plates and glasses, rubbing his hands over his face. He stared down at his hands, eyes immediately falling on the simple gold ring he wore on his left hand.