On the morning of the funeral there was a sense of tension through my veins while I got dressed. For that night I hadn't had nightmares, and I did ask Edward to let me be by myself. I had suspected that they had snuck some sleeping pills into me somehow, but I suppose it was for the better and that made me kind of grateful even though I was against the whole thing. I wore a white blouse with black smart trousers. It looked plain, but it was really the smartest I had – I liked casual wear too much. I wanted to wear heels with the outfit, but I was still recovering and if I fell over at the wrong moment it would not help at all.
So after Alice styled my hair (she couldn't just let me do it myself), I slowly walked down the stairs, sliding my hand along the rail as I went. Everyone was downstairs waiting and that made me wish that we had family.
Our history was a sad one. My mother's parents didn't approve of the pregnancy she had when she was seventeen. Neither did my father, so he left. After my mother had the baby she moved out to live by herself. She coped well. She didn't even get depression. Even when my grandparents never called again after my second birthday. It was amazing she got through her life. She was a loner – not wanting to get close to anyone. We were like best friends, and because she was so young she was into everything that I loved. It was fun while it lasted.
As I came to the last step faces turned towards me. If I wasn't so full with thoughts about my mother then I probably would have been embarrassed. But who cares anyway? Why would it matter if I were?
Esme came straight over before I could even blink. She hugged me and I could feel the pain ripping inside. It made me feel sick.
"I know you're going through a hard time." She told me, while I still held onto her. "But we're here for you, just keep holding on ok?"
She was so much like her…, I thought. "Thank you so much." I pulled away. "You're all so kind." I could hear my voice cracking but I choked back the tears. I was determined not to spill over.
Rosalie who had apparently been leaning against the wall next to the fire place walked over to her. She looked grim too. "I wanted to apologise." she said, almost asking.
I almost laughed sarcastically. "You don't have to." I said. "I know you will still want me away," I turned away from her in disgust. This was killing me. One moment I felt awful, the next angry – what the heck? "because having me here is dangerous for all of you."
"Don't feel that way." Said Edward sadly, lacing a cold hand on my shoulder. "I want you here." I wanted to smile, but couldn't bring myself to.
The journey out of town took about half an hour. We were going right out to the edge of the forest atop a waterfall. We had arranged it exactly how she would want. It was a little unusual but I knew she would prefer it this way. Just thinking about her wishes made me hold back my tears again. Edward stretched his hand out to hold mine. I took it gladly.
Watching out the window, I could see us getting closer. Eventually we stopped on the grass. I shut my eyes for a second taking a breath and then I stepped out the car.
A gust of wind hit me instantly. If Alice hadn't tied my hair up then it would have gone haywire. The river was wide, and stretched to the edge of the cliff where the waterfall was.
The black box, containing the ashes of my mother was carried by Carlisle to the edge. I stepped forward while the Cullens stood behind me. I didn't expect them to say anything. They had never met her – ever, so there was no point. It was just me now, standing there. But I had bought along a couple of things.
There was a tulip – her favourite yellow flower, wrapped in a small red ribbon. The second item was a note tucked in the folding of the ribbon. I had cried writing the note – though I knew no one would read it, I hope that maybe she would know what was on there.
I didn't say any words because I there were no words. Everything in the note said everything I wanted her to know. But even if I wanted to say something I would have broken down before I said one word.
I know that it wasn't fair of what happened, but it happened and there is nothing that can change that now. I just wish that somehow I could have made your life a whole lot better.
I miss you so much, and always will
Carrie xxx
I watched the ashes blow over the waterfall, and then drop down slowly with the flower. I could feel fresh tears falling from my eyes as the last pieces of my mother finally disappeared into the depths of the water below. Everything went past in a haze because I was blinded by tears, but after everything was gone again I sunk to the grass sobbing, trying to cause myself pain, ripping at my hair, scratching my arms. This was it – everything was over now. I was completely and utterly alone.
Cold, strong arms pulled me close to the person who I knew was Edward in an attempt to stop me from hurting myself any more. But it was hopeless. I didn't belong here, with this family. How could I have ever believed they would want me? It was way too dangerous for them anyway, and for me. They were a constant reminder of why I was alone now.
I could feel we were moving now, but the tears were slowing now. "Put me down, Edward." I murmured.
"Not until you calm down." He replied.
"Oh, for goodness sake, Edward." My tone was going to angry again – he was starting to annoy me. "Put me down." I started struggling.
He stopped by the car, though he didn't look convinced. "I'm fine." I grumbled.
"You don't seem so." said Edward. He did seem to look worried now.
"Oh I wonder why." I said sarcastically.
Everyone had turned to us now. Jasper made some kind of strangled noise. My hand came into a fist.
Carlisle broke the awkward silence. "We should get back, in time for lunch."
"Oh please," I turned to him. "None of you even eat!"
"That sounds like a good idea, we should go." said Jasper – now looking worse than ever. If vampires could go paler he probably would have. He then muttered something to Alice, though I didn't hear it.
There was a sudden loud sound of crashing glass. I was flung out of the way, just in time to see the windows of both cars were smashed into small pieces of glass. My eyes widened and any anger left in my emotion was gone. For a second everyone just stood there awestruck.
"What the hell just happened?" asked Rosalie to no one in particular.
"I swear it wasn't me this time." said Emmett, looking very innocent. That earned a hit at the back of the head from Rosalie.
Carlisle walked around the cars. I could hear the glass crunching at his feet. I was aware that Edward was holding my arm and I pulled out of his grip.
"Now that was interesting." muttered Carlisle.
Edward cut in. "You think she did it?"
I was taken aback – they thought I, did that?
"I've seen it before – though it never happened before they were turned." He replied.
"My power wouldn't work on her, maybe that has something to do with it?" wondered Jasper.
I felt hurt that they were talking about me like I wasn't here. How could I have done that? It was stupid. Though Jasper had a point, I didn't believe Carlisle at all. But how else could it have happened?
"How could I do that?" I interrupted.
"Your emotions…" Carlisle explained. "They must have got too much – so you took it out on the closest objects which just happened to be …" he trailed off.
If I didn't know that vampires existed I would have thought they were crazy. "I'm sorry." I said wrapping my arms round my torso. "I didn't mean too."
"It's fine." comforted Esme, putting a cold hand on my shoulder. She then whispered to me. "Emmett's done worse things than this."
I giggled as he yelled "Hey! I fixed the TV after!"
Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Yeah but after that we still had to get a new satellite box…"
They argued about what really happened when Emmett apparently broke the TV because the video game he was playing had a glitch or something. I wasn't really listening. My thoughts drifted towards Edward on the ride back in the now windowless car. Edward could probably hear what I was thinking. I was so sorry for what had happened. I had just got so angry.
When we were back home he didn't stick around. He left for his room as soon as we got into the house. Alice told me he would come round and this always happens in his relationships at some point anyway. I still didn't look convinced though so after having some lunch Emmett tried to cheer me up by playing some video games with me.
"Trust me, we should play this – I will so overlap you by the end." I grinned. This was one of my favourite games.
"Oh really?" he said, as it started counting down. "Vampires don't loose."
"Think again!" I laughed as my car raced past him.
Jasper came into the room. "Hey Emmet – you wouldn't want to go hunting later?"
"Yeah, ok, but I might be here a while. Carrie is one competitive girl. You know she thinks she is going to overlap me??"
I rolled my eyes and turned a corner. "Oh you'd better not get that double bonus." I pressed harder on the acceleration though it did nothing since I was at full speed already.
"Well don't make yourself dizzy…" Jasper said turning out of the room.
"Ugh I hate you!" I said a little annoyed, though not really.
He laughed. "Told ya. No one beats me – ever."
"Not so fast there!" I drove past him again, though he was right on my tail now.
"Don't you dare, don't you dare!" I panicked as we came up to the finish. He overtook on the last second – but it was close. "You win this time, but tomorrow you will not even get close!"
Emmett laughed. "Aren't we going again?" he asked.
"No, I am starting to get a little dizzy you know." I smiled slightly and stood up. I needed to talk to Edward. I hoped he was ready to talk now.
"Good luck!" called Emmett. I just rolled my eyes; he knew what I was doing. It was obvious.
Edward must have already been prepared for me coming since he could hear me and my thoughts. I was a little slow up the stairs but I couldn't care less. I knocked on his bedroom door twice. There was no answer so I just let myself in.
"Edward?" I asked. He was sitting on the sofa listening to his iPod. I said his name again but he didn't answer for a moment. I stood in the doorway patiently. I would wait for as long as it takes. He sighed and took out the headphones, pausing the song.
"Come in." he muttered. I took a step forward and closed the door behind me.
"Edward, I… I can't do this anymore."