Never Grow Up

"Oh darling, don't you ever grow up –
don't ever grow up – just stay this little.
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up –
don't ever grow up – it could stay this simple.
I won't let nobody hurt you,
won't let no one break your heart,
no one will desert you …
Just try to never grow up."

- Taylor Swift

"Computer, lights off."

Ensign Samantha Wildman paused in the doorway of her baby's room as the pre-programmed lights dimmed slowly, replaced by the glow of the stars in the mobile above her crib. Naomi stirred slowly under her pink blanket, making herself comfortable at last; it had taken four and a half renditions of Mama's Gonna Buy You a Mockingbird to get her to stop crying. Samantha rubbed her tired eyes, reluctant to turn away from the little bundle in the crib; she had the superstitious fear that, as soon as she turned her back, Naomi would start up again, or worse, something terrible might happen to her while her mother slept.

A hand on her shoulder made her turn around.

"Everything okay in there?" whispered Neelix.

"Yes, yes … " She stepped backwards through the door, allowing it to slide shut, and sat down on the living-room sofa with an absent wave of her hand. "She's fine, thanks."

"And what about her mother, hm?"

Samantha looked up to find that the Talaxian was watching her with the sort of shrewd concern she had come to recognize as his 'Morale Officer face'.

"I've seen that look in your eyes before, Sam. You're not only exhausted, you're … I don't know. Is it because of your husband, perhaps? Having his child without him?"

Samantha hesitated. She did miss Greskrendtregh, every day, and it did hurt her that she couldn't show him personally how Naomi had smiled today, or how she looked with her little rubber duck in the bath, or the little coos and crows she made; all she could do was capture as many moments as possible on her holoimager, and hope to God that he'd have the chance to see it.

"Yes, but … it's more than that," she admitted. "It's … oh, it's ridiculous. Tuvok would tell me I'm being illogical."

"Illogic is my specialty, remember?" Neelix patted her hand and smiled. "As Mr. Vulcan would attest. So go ahead, my dear. Whatever it is won't go beyond this room."

She couldn't help but smile back at that. "Aw, Neelix … the truth is … I'm worried about Naomi. For absolutely no reason."

Once begun, she felt as if a dam had been broken. "I mean, she's healthy, she's happy, she's as average as you can expect a hybrid baby to be … and growing! Goodness, I don't see how Ktarian parents ever kept their children dressed in the days before replicators!" Thinking of yet another set of rompers she would have to recycle soon, Samantha threw up her hands. "She's growing so fast, before I know it, I'll turn around and some sulky teenager will be sitting in our quarters, and I'll think, whatever happened to my baby girl?" To her embarrassment, she found a lump growing in her throat; her voice wavered as she went on, and two tears slipped down her face.

"And that's if we don't run into another Kazon sect or Vidiian organ-harvester or, I don't know, another spatial anomaly that tries to squash us like a rotten fruit. We're in the goddamned Delta Quadrant here, on a ship that seems to run into every disaster it possibly can, and I always thought I was prepared to raise a child on a starship, but – but – "

That was when her voice gave out, and Neelix put his arm around her, and she found herself crying into her friend's spice-scented blazer as if she were barely older than Naomi. She had not cried when Captain Janeway destroyed the Caretaker's array. When her first baby died, she had been too exhausted from labor to feel much of anything, and when Naomi arrived due to that bizarre duplication, Samantha had done her best to dismiss that whole heartbreaking, mend-bending day from her memory. She remembered it now.

She had lost a daughter. There was nothing to prevent it from happening again.

"I know," said Neelix, rocking her gently back and forth. "I know … sometimes you're afraid to leave her out of sight, aren't you? As if every precious day with her might be your last. You wish she'd stay that little bundle of joy forever … never grow up, never be hurt or frightened or have anything to regret. But really, Sam … honestly now … " He took her by the shoulders and looked her squarely in the face. "If your own mother had thought like that, where would you be?"

That brought to mind a tall, gray-haired, smiling Commander Wildman, proudly seeing her daughter off at the transporter platform in Utopia Planitia. Your first posting. I'm so proud of you, honey. Now don't forget to call me on the comm when you get back, listen to your superiors and don't get distracted at your station like you used to do with your grade school homework … All with not the faintest sign of sorrow on her face.

"She probably did," Samantha murmured, wiping away her tears. "When I told her I was joining Starfleet like her and Dad, she must have been worried … but she didn't even try to talk me out of it, in spite of the dangers. She said she was proud of me."

"That's right." Neelix nodded. "Who wouldn't be?"

"And she's still waiting for me … I know she is. The women of my family," she shrugged, "Are known for their strength of mind."

"No doubt. And I'm sure the latest addition to that family will make her ancestors proud as well."

Samantha glanced toward the door to the nursery. Naomi was still sleeping. Suddenly the thought of her as an adult didn't seem so regrettable after all; it would be fascinating, in fact, to watch her personality develop.

"I wonder if she'll be a Flotter fan too later," she mused out loud. "It's a holoprogram. I just loved it when I was a kid. I even brought my old copy onto the ship, you know, as a sort of good luck charm. Maybe when she's older, the two of us can run it together … or the three of us. That is, if you're interested."

"Oh, sure!" Neelix grinned. "And when she's older, I could teach her to cook, and fly a shuttle, and strike a good bargain in a negotiation … "

"Not so fast, mister." Samantha held up a warning hand. "Wait until she's out of diapers first."

But as they continued their speculations, Samantha felt her burden lifting – for the moment, at least, Naomi's future looked bright to her, and life on a starship had as many opportunities as dangers.

"There's an old saying on Talax, you know … Don't borrow trouble, you can't give it back."

"I'll try to remember that."

Neelix got to his feet, tugged at his rumpled shirt until it sat smoothly again, and patted Samantha's arm in an affectionate farewell.

"Take care, Sam. Anytime you need to talk, just call me. All right?"

"All right. Goodnight, Neelix. And thank you … I … you've been wonderful. You kow you're the best godfather my baby could possibly have."

Neelix ducked his whiskery head in embarrassed acknowledgement before he left the room.