"Stop running off!" Ganondorf yelled at Stupid Link, who darted down a side passage far ahead of them.

"We should stay together!" Smart Zelda shouted.

"Yeah, we saw what happened when we didn't," Smart Link muttered.

"Hey, I'm a professional," Stupid Link yelled back. "I've got everything under…AAAAHHH!"

"Professional idiot," Ganondorf muttered, not changing his pace as the rest of the group ran to find out what new trouble Stupid Link had gotten into.

He finally rounded the bend to see the little company struggling to pull Stupid Link from the web of a giant spider (the spider lying dead with one of Smart Zelda's arrows in its head), except for Stupid Zelda who stood in a corner shaking off a bit of webbing on her hand. "EEEWWW!" she shrieked.

Ganondorf crossed his arms and laughed. "I wish I had one of those picto-box things," he managed to say after a few minutes. "This would make a great picture to show the folks back home, when they ask how I spent my vacation."

"You have folks?" Smart Link demanded as he tugged at Stupid Link's ankle.

"Not really. I can't exactly call this a vacation, either. But you have to admit it's a funny thought." He grasped Stupid Link's tunic and gave it a good yank.

"OOOWWW!" Stupid Link shrieked like a little girl and clutched at his head. A fist-sized patch of hair remained stuck to the webbing. "Look what you did!"

"You're young. It'll grow back," Ganondorf grunted.

"How dare you ruin my handsome visage!"

"Look, either shut up or I'll add a broken nose and punch out some teeth." He pointed to Smart Link. "You're the only really experienced adventurer here…which way should we go?"

Ignoring Stupid Link's resentful grumbling, Smart Link answered, "I'm not sure. We don't have a map…and there's not really any way to tell which route is the right one."

"Why don't I go on ahead for a bit?" Spryte offered. "I can take a quick look both ways."

"Now that's the first good idea I've heard in a while," Ganondorf told her appreciatively. "But aren't you afraid of getting stuck in the spiderwebs? Give me a second and I'll clear it for you." He unleashed a fireball into the room full of spiders and reduced them all to cinders.

Stupid Zelda gawked. "Why don't we just do that in every room?"

"We have limited strength here," Smart Zelda informed her. "That was a good way to get rid of the spiders – we'd take forever fighting each one and dodging the webs – but he can't do that in every room."

"I'll be right back." Spryte zipped off through the torched room.

They waited. After a few minutes, she came flying back. "There's six rooms, with a total of fourteen dark knights, eight steel traps, one pit of lava, twenty-three Moblins, a hidden trapdoor, and a treasure chest in the farthest room."

Smart Link stared. "You remembered all that?"

"Now I'll do the other passage!" She zipped off once again.

Staring after her, Smart Link said, "Well, at least the fairies here are smarter than they are back home."

After a few more minutes she returned, breathless. "There's a locked door on the other end, after more dark knights, two lava pools…"

"Okay, we get it." Smart Link frowned. "I'm pretty sure the treasure chest in the rooms in front of us opens the locked door."

Stupid Link sighed. "Isn't that the way it always is?"

"D'you expect Ganon to keep the key on a hook outside his door?" Ganondorf demanded. "At least he's not that stupid. Let's make this quick. I'll go get the key, the rest of you can work your way through the other passage and meet me at the door."

"Will you be okay by yourself?" Spryte asked in all sincerity.

Smart Link and Zelda snickered as Ganondorf rolled his eyes. "Goodness, whatever will I, the King of Darkness, do without my trusty companions in a mildly threatening Technicolor dungeon?" He shook his head and started off.

Stupid Link regained his cockiness the minute Ganondorf disappeared. "Onward!" he shouted, sprinting off with the others following behind.

Stupid Zelda touched Smart Zelda on the shoulder as they ran. "Are you sure it's safe for us to leave him alone? What if he decides to ally with Ganon?"

Smart Zelda shook her head. "We can trust Ganondorf to act in his own best interest…which is to get home as quickly as possible. He's not doing this to be nice…though it certainly would be easier on all of us if he was," she sighed.

"Die, monstrosity!" Stupid Link yelled, zapping a dark knight, then glancing over his shoulder. "Awww, Zelda, you weren't watching."

"Okay, I'm watching," Stupid Zelda said as she waved him on. "Go ahead."

Smart Link stepped in to help him, but Stupid Link elbowed him out of the way. "I can do it myself," he insisted like a toddler.

Smart Zelda knocked off a few of the knights with her arrows when he wasn't looking. The doors opened, and the little group ran to the next room, where a pit of lava awaited them.

"How the heck are we supposed to get to the other end?" Stupid Link demanded. Solid ground lay a good thirty feet away from them.

Smart Link dug into his pack. "I have my Hookshot from back home."

"What's that?"

"It's like a grappling hook, sort of. I can attach it to the high torch on the other side over the door, and bring one of you with me, back and forth."

Stupid Zelda peered anxiously at the bubbling lava below. "Are you sure that will work?"

"Of course it will. Here, we'll demonstrate." He launched the hook and it gripped the torch holder at the far end. Smart Zelda wrapped her arms around his neck, and he held his other arm around her waist. He flicked a switch, and the mechanism in the glove portion rolled up the chain, launching them across.

"Wow…" Stupid Zelda said wistfully as Stupid Link scowled.

Smart Link launched himself back over to the other side, using the torch holder on the opposite end. "Okay, who's next?"

"Ooh! Pick me!" Stupid Zelda threw her arms around him, and Stupid Link turned green as Smart Link wrapped his arm around her. Not that Smart Link noticed, or had any reason to care.

As Smart Link swung back, Stupid Link demanded to be given the device. "I can do this much better than you can," he insisted.

Smart Link frowned. "It doesn't really matter, and we're kind of in a hurry…"

"Gimme!!"

Smart Link sighed and handed the Hookshot over. "Here, this is the trigger to set it off, and clicking it this way pulls it back…"

Stupid Link grabbed his hand and thrust out his arm toward the torch. "Onetwothree GO!"

Smart Link yelped as the pull of the device yanked him off his feet and nearly tore his arm out of its socket. He flew through the air and landed hard on the other side. As Smart Zelda helped him up, Stupid Zelda scowled at his double, hanging halfway down the wall. "Get down here!" she snapped.

Stupid Link looked at the device, then at her. "…I think my hand is stuck…"

-&-

"Crunchy, crunchy," Ganondorf muttered as he floored a dark knight with one well-placed punch. His mood had lifted ever so slightly, no longer forced to hear the voices of his adversaries and the Stupid Ones, who had frayed his nerves into splinters.

All too soon he came to the room with the treasure chest, and groaned inwardly as he thought of returning to the others. Almost done…almost done…please let it be almost done…

He stepped up to the chest, and reached out to open it. His hand passed right through.

"What the…?" He spun around and took one step in the opposite direction, before he fell through a trapdoor for the second time that day.

He hit the floor, picked himself up and took a good look round. His view obscured by some kind of red energy bars all around him, he saw Ganon standing a few feet away, laughing at him. "At last! I have captured the keeper of the deepest evil and the darkest power! Now Hyrule will be mine!" He launched into diabolical hysterics.

Ganondorf slowly eased out the thin crown woven into his hair, as Ganon began monologuing. "Now you are my prisoner here, and I will harness your dark power for my own devices! You should have joined me when you had the chance! For so long I have been forced to live in that pathetic cave, but now I will take over the kingdom and…what are you doing?"

Having bent the crown into a straight line, Ganondorf flicked it at the bars. It touched three at once, throwing off sparks and short-circuiting the machine. The bars disappeared and Ganondorf stepped casually down next to Ganon, kicking the warped metal crown aside, a wide nasty grin on his face. "You were saying…?"

Ganon cringed, picked up a plate on a small table, and held it out. "Doughnut….?"

-&-

"Where is he?" Smart Link muttered. "It's been a good half-hour at least."

He and the rest of the group stood at the locked door, waiting for Ganondorf to arrive with the key. "Maybe he's hurt?" Spryte asked.

"Maybe he deserted us?" Stupid Link snapped.

"Do you guys hear something?" Stupid Zelda demanded.

"Like what?" Stupid Link asked.

"Like…yelling…"

"I hear it." Smart Zelda pressed her ear against the door. She heard a yell, an 'oof', and then another yell.

"Me too." Smart Link scratched his head. "What the heck is going on in there?"

"I wonder…" Smart Zelda pounded on the door.

To their great surprise, Ganondorf opened it, a happy smile on his face. "Hey."

"You were in there this whole time?!" Smart Link demanded. "Why didn't you just open the door?"

"I got distracted."

Smart Zelda noticed he held one arm up as if carrying a spell. She looked in the direction of his hand and saw Ganon plastered against one wall.

Ganondor followed her gaze and said, "You want a turn?" He waved his hand and sent Ganon flying into the opposite wall.

"No," Smart Zelda snapped. "Put him down."

"Oh, stop being so straight-laced, Princess. What about you?" Ganondorf turned to Smart Link.

"Uh…I'll pass…"

"C'mon. You know you want to…"

Smart Link wavered. "Well…"

Stupid Link swaggered in and faced Ganon, hands on hips. "Where is the Good Plot Device?"

Panting, Ganon replied, "I don't know…any…Good Plot Device…"

"Idiot, you made an imitation of it in this same dungeon," Ganondorf snapped. "At least come up with a decent excuse if you refuse to talk."

"Let's just search for it," Smart Link said. "It has to be in here somewhere." The little group split up and scoured the large room, except for Ganondorf, who hummed circus music as he sent Ganon flying around the room.

"Found it!" Stupid Zelda raised her hand in triumph for everyone to see. "It was in a box labeled 'Good Plot Device'."

"Excellent." Ganondorf flicked his hand and Ganon fell to the ground with a yelp. "Do we need Mr. Piggy's Triforce piece, or will the one in the castle suffice?" he asked Smart Zelda.

"Well…" Smart Zelda examined it. "I think as long as we have a good plot device, it doesn't matter which one we use."

"Thank goodness." Smart Link wiped his forehead. "Let's get that thing there, maybe grab a bite to eat, and then finally go home."