I throw yet another childhood photo from the album into a pile next to me, flipping through the pages for the next one to hide.
I'm hiding the worse photos of me from before the ARKS boot camp before my mother can show them off. We're visiting my parents for the first time, so of course I'm anticipating her making Chroto sit through an album of horrible, embarrassing photos. Of course I'd like to go back and re-take them with my current body, but I wouldn't say I'm ashamed of how I looked back then. I just don't want the worst ones to be seen. And of course my parents would have kept every single photograph I sent home.
Page after page of a carefree, heavy-set girl race by and I pick out only the ones with the worst angles and expressions. From about age seven and on, I'd gradually gained weight and shifted my shape into that of an pear. I faced my fair share of teasing when I was younger, but it faded out around when I started attending private schools; the pressure to do well was high enough for people to focus more on their studies than their classmate's aesthetical shortcomings.
I didn't have much time to wonder why I kept so much weight on, also bogged down with studies. Thinking on it now, it was probably a combination of stress, stress eating, and the genes I inherited. Looking through the pictures of me with my parents, they both were and are chubby and happy, even though I know they eat healthy and keep reasonably active.
Flipping through the last few pages, I see the change myself. From the first day of boot camp to right before boarding the tram for the residential district this morning. I looked so happy, innocent, carefree and optimistic before enlisting. Not that I turned into the opposite or anything like that. I just got a dose of the real world is all.
Well, thinking on it more... My tongue got a lot harsher after boot camp. I never would have thought to say half the crap I do now. Even if it's all in good fun, the 'rudeness' I display with coworkers today would have gotten me backhanded. Flipping ahead a few more pages, I realize it wasn't just the academy that changed me, though...
I stare at the first picture of me and Chroto together. It was from behind, our shoulders brushing— well, more like pauldrons brushing —and both of our heads turned toward each-other with a grin, his mouth opened and in the middle of saying something. I forget what we were talking about at the time, but... somehow, seeing that look on his face (even if it's just his mouth) makes me feel really at ease.
There aren't any other photos of him. This picture was taken without either of us knowing until days later. An old friend from school had been in the military district as a surprise visit for me. She saw us from behind and snapped the picture, then gave me a copy of it before she went home. Of course she'd have to send a copy to my parents, too. I'd asked her to delete and burn the rest after I found out.
Chroto's a bit.. paranoid, I'd say. He hasn't openly said it, but it's pretty obvious he doesn't want to leave many traces of a possible weakness, whether his position in the chain of things makes that necessary to worry about or not. It's frustrating each time he stops me with that tight apologetic smile and hand raised between us to keep distance. I mean, it's not really anyone else's business, and it's annoying to see people like that anyway, but I'd at least like to hold his damn hand. But I understand his reasoning for it. It's frustrating on both our ends, I know, and we usually just blow off that frustration behind closed doors.
I cough and pull up my turtleneck. ... And pull down the hem of my shorts.
... A few years ago, I never thought I'd be hiding hickeys from my parents, either. He's really changed me a lot as well, for sure. Before I met him, I never even inadvertently dreamt of such lewd things. I'd spent almost a full year somehow both quietly and violently lusting for him, hoping the feeling would just go away. The things Chroto made me think of; the things he taught me to do... how vulgar and selfish my desires became because of him... The girl in the earlier photographs would probably scold me if she could even gather enough composure through either disgust or embarrassment.
'Too bad she can't do that!' I toss the last picture into the pile with a grin, stuff them under the cushions of the couch for now and flip back to the one of me and Chroto.
I don't hate this change at all. If anything, I think I feel more free now; as if the me of back then wasn't given the chance to really become herself. Even if I count things like 'vulgar' or 'lewd,' I've also become much more honest, and this honesty has gotten me places, introduced me to people and taught me lessons that my plastic smile and 'completely with the flow' personality couldn't have possibly done for me. No matter what she'd say to me, I'm more than satisfied with myself and how I've turned out.
I owe a lot of that to Chroto, though not all of it. I'm glad I met him, and I'm glad I didn't give up— rather, that he didn't let me give up, as weird as that is. Whether it's all because of him or not, meeting him was what let me change myself, and I feel like I can grow even more. Looking harder at those smiles in the picture, I can say with confidence that I'm definitely happy with him.
"My, what could you be thinking about so intently?" I jolt in surprise at the sudden voice, looking over the back of the couch to see his less adorned but identical smile.
His hat and goggles were off as courtesy, but his hair was loose at my request. While what my parents thought of him didn't really matter to me, I figured his usual cornrows were a bit much to be bringing home to mother.
He approaches the back of the couch, so I close the album. He pauses, then grins wider, placing his hands to either side of my head, looking down at me as I stare up at him. "What are you hiding, hm?" He leans closer, his hair tickling my face and effectively teasing me.
"You'll be forced to look at it before we go anyway." I pout, reaching up to play with a piece of his hair. I really do like when he leaves it down. I tug lightly on it and he chuckles, leaning down the last few inches for a brief, somewhat awkward not-quite-upside-down kiss.
He still smiles despite how poorly it turned out, and I can't help but smile back. "They've been calling you for dinner for about a minute now."
"'kay." I slide off the couch and meet him at the back of it, and we head for the dining room side-by-side.
"You never answered. What were you so focused on?"
I grin to myself before we cross the threshold. "Just thinking about how much you've corrupted me."
Started: Some time the night of January 14th 2014
Finished: March 1st 2014
Not exactly how I imagined this would go. I'm not good at monologues and self-exploration. The prompt was pretty much exactly what you see here, just condensed into about 70 words. Oh well.
As mentioned many times before, Chroto is very suspicious/paranoid. I kind of wonder if he'd even be okay with showing affection anywhere, since it seems like absolutely everything is under surveillance. And then there'd be records of him going to the residential district for something. But then I remember he talks pretty openly to the player character, even if he backpedals a bit and says to forget about it. So I guess it can't be too bad, as long as there's not a bunch of people around.
...Also, "meeting the parents" seems like maybe a bit much for him and their relationship. Probably went like this:
Sherri's mother asking more and more often about the people she's met → Chroto doesn't have the heart to ask her to lie → Parents insist and insist that they meet him → Sherri apologizes and begs him to go so they'll shut up → He agrees without a fuss → They go, he's a perfect gentleman to them → They get back, he's exhausted and asks politely yet somehow forcefully at the same time that she never ask him to do that again.
Oh, since I wrote this looong before "School Union," I didn't think about the mention of her old school uniform being too big. So, here's why. She lost a lot of weight. (And will probably put it right back on as she gets older. Damn genes.)
I wonder if we'll ever get to see him with his hair down. Maybe episode 3...