Chapter Ten- Our Perfect Disease
Tequila… it should be banned.
Rosalie and Alice had decided to have a girls night out, and that apparently made it okay for them to pour tequila down my throat.
Now I can handle my liquor very well, but one god damned bottle would make anyone crazy, and apparently talk with no filter.
"Bella, where's your ex-boyfriend, Eric?" Rosalie asked and I snapped my head toward her.
"Probably fucking Lauren's brains out on the balcony of his apartment," I snorted and took another swig of the tequila.
"You know for drunk, your speech is absolutely perfect," Alice frowned.
"Hmm I get that a looooott," I smirked, "but wait it out, after the last of thi bottle is gwone, I'll be slurring like a bitch," I grinned, Alice and Rose looked at each other in confusion.
"I don't understand…"
"Neither do I, but that's not why we're here Cullen, snap out of it and focus!" Rosalie slapped alice.
"What the fuck?" Alice glared and Rose looked at her innocently.
"I've just always wanted to do that to someone," she chuckled.
"Bella, how do you feel about my brother?" Alice enunciated each word as if I were five.
"You have a brother?" I looked at her in surprise.
"The guy with red hair," she rolled her eyes.
"I don't know anyone with red hair…except Victoria, is she a man?" I asked with wide eyes.
Okay, I'm not drunk, I frequent this bar way too much, and back in the day, the guy who owns this joint and I had some fun, yes R rated fun. I made him promise me that whenever my friends were doing tequila shots, I'd get water. Always.
"No. She's not my brother. I don't know if she's a man," Alice rolled her eyes again, "I'm going to bitch slap you soon," my, this was getting interesting. "Edward Cullen, you know DB's dad, the baby you babysit," Alice muttered flicking hair out of her face.
"What about DB's dad?" I asked giggling (I never giggle unless I'm drunk, and well this is killing me).
"Do you like him?" Rose asked leaning in as if this conversation only just got interfering.
If this was the only way to get them to stop interfering, then I was definitely going to take it.
"I don't. I love DB though, she's cute as a button," I giggled happily, faking a sway just to look the part of a drunk.
"Don't you think Edward is as cute as a button, too?
I paused and looked at Alice as if she were talking a different language before licking my finger and sticking it in Rose's ear, "WET WILLY!" I giggled/laughed madly, Rose's face was priceless. Being drunk has it's perks.
"Swan, if you weren't incapacitated I'd be half inclined to rip your hair out by the roots," she glared at me fiercely.
"Incap…pa…ciiiii…tttaaaa…tttteeeeeddd," I laughed, Rose and Alice let out long audible sighs. "What a wunny ford," I giggled some more. All this giggling was going to make me go mad.
Rose looked as if she's struck gold and grinned, "Bella, did you love Eric?"
I paused and looked at her as if she were a half-witted twit. Did I love Eric? Probably not, but he was a safer option, something consistent in my life. I shrugged and took another swig of water until there was no more in the bottle, I lazily tipped it into the bartenders area, Riley shot me an irritated look and I blew him a kiss, he shook his head but smirked.
"Bella what would you do if Edward moved? And you no long had to babysit DB?" Alice asked warily.
"Booooep boooop beeeop," I sung, and then I begun doing the x-files theme song, Rose knew when I sang/hummed that one theme song, Bella was out of the field and into the space time continuum (in other words, I'm far too fucked to answer anything coherently. So instead I try to answer with good old onomatopoeia).
"Do you love DB like a daughter?" Alice tried.
"Weeewoooo, boink, boink, bionk," I lolled my head around and looked at Alice.
"We're not going to get a coherent word out of her now, Alice," Rose scratched her head and sighed, "she's out of the world now," she shook her head and helped me off the chair, as we were leaving, "we pushed her too hard," Rose looked disappointed. I turned around and gave a wink to Riley who threw his head back and laughed.
Edward had come into my apartment sometime during the night with DB on his hip, he was dressed for work. "How was girl's night out?" he asked wearily seeing me religiously drink cup after cup of coffee. "Heard you got pretty hammered," Edward stared at me with a raised eyebrow.
"Nah, I was pretty sober, don't tell the girls," I smirked, "they tried to do the old 'drunk minds speak sober hearts' method," I snickered, Edward looked at me for a few seconds before throwing his head back and laughing.
"You outsmarted blondie and shortie!" he roared, his eyes crinkled as he laughed, it made him look, oh so sexy. But I don't have feeling's for DB's daddy, I can appreciate a good looking man without getting attachments to them. Couldn't I?
"What were the interrogation questions?" he asked still amused by my own trickery.
"Just the basics on Eric and some other guy," I laughed, Edward looked interested at both the latter and former, but settled on the former.
"How did you find out he was cheating on you?" Edward asked.
"I remember hearing something familiar," my cheeks flamed, I remember Eric's sex scream, I heard it and my first thought was… no… Surely not, but Edward didn't need to know that. "I went over to investigate and Eric opened the door in a bed sheet. Doesn't take a genius to figure out. So I kicked him in the family jewels, he screamed like a bitch," I smirked. "I didn't think I kicked him that hard, but he scared so loud," I frowned a little. "I think he has a low threshold for pain, such a bitch," I shook my head.
Edward looked a little shocked at the revelation before a peal of laughter erupted from his lips, "you are one hell of a woman, Swan!"
I picked up DB, "same to you Ellen, same to you."
Edward looked like he was going to rebuttal but shook his head, kissing DB on the head.
"I'll be back at about midnight," his lips twitched in disdain.
"Knock 'em dead, Doc," I thought about my words, "wait don't do that," I frowned.
"Wasn't planning on taking your advice either way Swan," he smirked before leaving.
DB was staring at me with her usual ogling method and I smiled. "Well DB, I managed to navigate myself out of a code blue situation last night. I really should send Riley a fruit basket," I contemplated it whilst DB begun eating her fist again. "Or maybe a baby on his doorstep," I half smiled kissing her rosey cheeks.
"It's not that I don't like your dad DB, but we're from different ends of the spectrum, I'm black and he's wearing the rainbow coloured flag," I rolled my eyes, "and it doesn't hurt that he knows how to sufficiently annoy the living bejesus out of me," I frowned.
"You feeling me, DB?" I quirked an eyebrow as she giggled contently with her fist in her mouth.
"You understand me, DB, you really do," I rolled my eyes.
Not long after I put DB to bed, James came strolling through my apartment as if he owned it, followed by Emmett and then the gruesome twosome twins.
"We're soooo bored," James cried, throwing himself into the couch dramatically. Emmett flopped onto the floor as if all his bones turned to Jelly, Alec and Marcus just each chose one of my brothers and sat on them happily.
"Uni break is such a drag," Emmett groaned rolling over, which sent Alec flying into the wall.
"I know right," James did the same sending Marcus onto the floor. "I have some fire cracker's hidden in Bells top kitchen cabinet, we could set some shit on fire," James suggested.
"That's what you use that cupboard for?" I asked with wide eyes, I can't reach that one cupboard so I don't really use it, but ever since James found it, empty, he'd off load crap into it. Never have I felt the urge to look in that cabinet.
That's a lie, I did last year when James was dating Charlotte, I found stack of porn, I never looked again.
"Among various other things," James shrugged.
"Like porn," I added flippantly, both Emmett and James looked at me with fear.
"YOU LOOKED UP THEIR!" they both yelled at the same time, I looked between them both.
"You both hide porn up there?" I scrunched my nose up in distaste, both of them were blushing, bright red. "By the way issue number three has some really impossible positions," I crinkled my nose up, "but I finally got it after some regular yoga classes, Riley definitely like them," I smiled and then frowned.
"Hold on… if the porn is here…. While I'm away are you two shitheads beating yourselves in my apartment?" I asked in horror.
Why the fuck is this occurring to you only now Bella! Seriously?
Oh shut up subconscious! You could have warned me earlier you half witted bitch.
Oh so now it's my fault? Typical.
"No!" they answered a little to quickly and I stared at the couch with pure anguish.
"Everything in my apartment has been defiled," I yelled throwing spoons at them, Alec and Marcus were making a game of dodging the flying utensils, whilst James and Emmett were crying in pain.
MUWHAHAHAHA I burned their porn on the balcony. Although some of it was interesting.
All the while DB was being an angel and sleeping, whilst I was busy disinfecting every inch of my apartment.
It's roughly eleven fifty at night, DB is asleep on my chest, the apartment door is shut with a chair underneath the handle and I'm watching re-runs of Hogans Heros.
However my own eyes were becoming devilishly heavy. DB had a single thumb in her mouth, instead of an entire fist, and I was fast tracking my way to Lala land when Edward appeared.
"Hmm Chinese man," I murmured.
Edward chuckled and gently lifted DB out of my arms, "at least I now know your preferences," he smirked. "By the way, I has to scale the wall, I mean it wasn't much of a scale but still, what's up with the chair under the handle?"
"Hmmmm," was all I said, Edward turned off the TV.
"Bella you should get to bed," he smiled handsomely.
"Hmmm Chinese man, bed," I smiled sleepily.
"And now, I know more then I really could bare. Sexual preferences, really Bella?" he rolled his eyes and smirked.
See when I become sleepy, I also become loose lipped.
But when I said Chinese, I really meant Stefan, the guy who delivers the Chinese food to my apartment, he is something. Hmmm chocolate hair, devastating azure eyes, charming grin, muscles hmmmm and then Chinese food he delivers is oooohhh sooo yummy.
Right. I'm out of my head. I sleepily got up and shooed both DB and Ellen out of my apartment before peacefully falling asleep on the floor of the lounge.
I woke up to find myself asleep on the floor. Edward was making breakfast and had coffee, DB on his hip, a spatula in his hand.
Okay, that looked way too attractive to be legal.
I got up and stretched, yawning loudly and mewling at the satisfaction of stretching out my muscles.
Edward was chuckled, "you're equally as adorable as DB when she wakes up," Edward smiled and flipped the pancakes. The front door was closed, I heard someone put their key in and they seemed to think they'd open the door, "shhh watch the door for a second," a follow up of four thuds and a string of profanity.
Emmett, I assumed, was thumping on the door loudly.
"Open the door Bella!" it was followed up by three, 'yeah man!'
"The men who seem to think my apartment is a good place to store porn may vacate the premises, you will not be let in for a week as punishment," I stated confidently, flicking hair out of my face.
Edward looked mildly surprised but covered the ears of DB, "virgin ears, B, virgin ears," he frowned but the corners of his lips twitched.
I sat down, Edward had already poured a steaming hot mug of coffee.
"HMM, you are a god," I laughed sipping on the coffee.
"I know," he smirked.
"Conceited twat," I muttered under my breath. "Which reminds me, why are you in my apartment? Yours is perfectly fine as of three days ago?" I rose any eyebrow and smirked. "Could it be that you miss me?"
Edward chocked on his toast, "what the devil? Of course not, you fruitloop," Edward sent me a glare. "I just wanted to do something nice to say thank you for looking after April," he puffed, running a hand through his hair.
"I didn't ask you to justify you actions, Ellen," I smirked.
Edward cussed under his breath but ate in silence.
"Thanks Cullen," I smiled, before Alice bombarded my apartment.
"Here you are!" Alice frowned at Edward, "honestly you spend more time here then in your own damned apartment!" she glared, Edward glared at Alice and I.
"Honestly, why do women feel the need to question where I am, how I spend my time and where I am?!" Edward sunk into his chair, "I feel like a bloody child."
"So you should! I tried to call you to tell you Mum and Dad are back from…. God knows where they were," Alice frowned.
"You guys aren't close with your parents?" I asked slightly baffled.
"No," they answered in unison.
I must have looked sorely confused.
"Why not?"
"Work," they both shrugged.
"Huh," I sighed, "well that's ashame," I felt bad for them both.
"Not really, we spent our time with our aunt and uncle! You should meet them, they'd just love you!" Alice jumped up and down. Alice turned her unwavering gaze to Edward, "you need to tell mum and dad the truth and introduce April to Uncle Edward and Aunt Elisabeth," Alice smiled.
Edward cursed, "I never thought of introducing them to her, damn. I haven't talked to Uncle in months," Edward looked disappointed.
"Why don't you call them now," Alice suggested and Edward nodded after washing his plate and kissing DB and Alice on the cheek before going back to his apartment.
DB was contending her self with making a mess of her baby food.
"DB stop that," I chuckled taking the spoon out of her hand, she looked at me with her large moss green eyes. "No DB. Puppy dog eyes-" I sighed and just handed it back, "you little wench," I ruffled what little hair she had.
Alice smiled at me, which freaked me out, "what?" I asked self-consciously.
"What's DB? I hear you say it almost all the time, but I don't know what it means," she smiled and tiled her head to the left,
I blushed and remembered the dubbing of April's second name. "IT's what I call April, because I think April is a crappy name," I shrugged, "I found her on my doorstep, so I dubbed her 'doorstep baby,' which is DB," I muttered.
"Does Edward know?"
"I don't think he does," I scratched my head, "but who cares, I mean soon she won't been in my presence. Edward will move out and get a proper nanny or mother for her," I smiled brightly.
I must have misheard Alice say 'over my dead body,' but then again my mind is full of colourful crap I THINK I hear.
"Huh. Um I have some stuff I need to do," I slinked off to the shower.
I got out with a towel wrapped around myself and a lighter head and heart. The apartment was empty, one can assume so because there is no noise. Except when you're accosted at you bedroom door by a loiter, Edward looked me up and down before getting toungue tied.
"I-ehp-yo-hm-me-i-think-wellitwasdevilishlygoodtos eeyou," he left before I could get a word in edge wise.
"What the fudge," I muttered.
I got most of the groceries, some new books, a few movies and a lovely new dress before arriving back at my apartment to find it completely empty. It felt sort of good and sad to have it bathed in…silence.
I kept myself busy.
I cleaned.
Cooked
Washed
Cleaned
Washed
Changed the sheets.
Arranged the books in alphabetical order.
Made a new grocery list.
Assignments.
Arranged the shoe rack.
Cleaned the tv.
Washed the dishes.
Payed my bills.
Checked my email.
Edward burst through the door, his pants at his feet, I looked around the room for any of his women but found none. Edward was running, he dived into the guest room and locked the door. A screaming blonde lady came through my door.
"EDWARD!" she screeched, "EDDIE!"
"GO AWAY!" Edward yelled back, the blonde clawed my door.
I watched and shook my head, "it's a dream, it's just a dream."
You know I don't think I like you much, mind.
Please! You love me, I make you work.
Can you explain this half ass dream?
Quiet simply, really. It's your reality, not a dream.
I pinched myself. So it was.
"Can I help you ma'am?" I asked impatiently, the blonde bimbo was about to tear my door down.
The woman turned to me, she looked every bit a model, with bulimia, I scrunched my nose in distaste.
"Um who the hell are you?" she glared, her amber orbs looked disgustingly drunk, she was mighty tall, but I guess that can be accounted for with those horrible stripper heals.
"I should be asking you that very same question, since you barged into my home," I flatly stated.
"Your home?" she looked confused.
"Yes. My. Home. I. Am. Renting. This. Apartment." I spoke to as if she were a child which seemed to make her angry.
"I'm Tanya," she glared, as if that name should make me scared.
The name was awfully familiar.
"Cool, my name is, get the fuck out of my house you whore," I glared.
"Excuse me," she looked at me astonished.
"I did not stutter, get the fuck out of my house."
"Look I wanted to talk to Edward," Tanya rolled her eyes.
"More like rape me!" Edward called out.
I sighed, so much for quiet. "look you can leave now, or I can get reinforcements," Emmett and James strolled in at the right time, I pointed at the two oafs, "they'll escort you out," I muttered flatly.
But the crazy woman screamed and begun throwing my shit at the guest door screaming something about loving him, and something about a baby. Emmett and James dragged the hussy out.
"Is she gone?" Edward called out.
"No."
After Emmett and James came back, I left with my wallet making a b-line to Riley's bar. It hadn't opened yet, so I slipped through the back door to find Riley counting stock, a few other bar tenders wiping down the benches, and cups.
Riley was on the phone ordering new bottles of alcohol, he saw me and smiled nodding to the stairs that winded up to his office.
I trailed behind, and entered as he opened the door for me.
"…yes, before six would be lovely, thank you Gretel."
He hung up and looked at me with a small smile, his eye glittered with amusement. "What's got you here twice in one week?" Riley lounged on the chair next to me, crossing his left leg over his right, he leaned in interestedly.
"Sex."
"That again?" Riley chuckled.
"I haven't had sex in-"
"Eight weeks," he rose an eyebrow.
"Well," I rolled my eyes and straddled him, "I was-"
"You don't want this Bella," he tucked some of my hair behind my ear.
"Yes-"
"I'm not daft," he chuckled, "I know when you're looking for revenge sex, and believe me, vengeful sex is fucking down right sexy," he remembered some of my better revenge sex tirades. "But this isn't what you want today," he rolled me back into a sitting position on the chair before standing up and sitting behind his desk.
"So what's got you all hot and bothered? Other then your dry spell?"
"Nothing," I sulked.
"Oh come now, pet," he smiled whilst writing down something on some papers.
"I think I like someone I really shouldn't, in fact I know he'll break my heart," I glared at him.
"Me?" Riley laughed, "or are we talking about this Edward fellow that blonde and elf were talking about?"
"That's be the asshole," I looked at the ceiling, it doesn't help that I want to jump his bones, I mean I tried to deny it, but today I saw him with his pants around his ankles…. He was wearing boxers I think," I sighed.
"And you realised how sexually repressed you are," Riley chuckled.
"Yeah, I mean we had a lot of fun while I wallowed about grease monkey. And I mean FUN," I smirked and Riley laughed.
"Oh yeah, I remember those sweet moments spent on that very couch," he smirked, his voice was husky.
I remembered far too many of them, my entire body was flaming red.
"Maybe you should tell-"
"No way, Hose," I glared, Riley scratched his head. "Why the hell are you giving up free sex?" I glared at his blonde head. I eyes his as he avoided my gaze.
"Oh no! The rake has finally found a woman who doesn't succumb to his utterly devilish charm and good looks?"
"You know, you should stop talking as if we from a different era," he muttered.
"Suavely skirted the question," I nodded, "so what ails you, old chap?"
Riley sighed, "sometimes I forget why we fucked so much. And then I remember, it's because I love sex and women," he murmured, "I have a thing for this Victoria chick, but she won't give me the time of day," Riley sighed rubbing his temples.
"The good old Riley charm, ain't working huh?"
"Nope," he muttered, "I think she's into some other dude," Riley leaned back into his chair.
"Well, governor, I suggest you find another woman," I chuckled, "women don't change their minds about who they love easily," I stood up and walked over seating over the edge of the table.
"You know, in a different world, different place, I could have loved you," Riley smiled warmly.
"I know, but unfortunately we signed up for the wrong package deal," I winked before sliding off and kissing Riley on the lips.
"C'est la vie, copain de baise," with that I left with Riley's tenth best whiskey bottle.
I'd consumed a quarter of the bottle by the time I got home, Edward was on the couch with DB and no one else. He looked up and cocked an eyebrow.
"You're-"
"Drunk? No not yet, but I will be," I promised sitting on the couch.
"Look about before, I didn't know Tanya would show up again-"
"Tanya, sounds so familiar yet so…well slutty really," I laughed.
"She's April's mum," Edward winced, April looked content with her teething toy.
"Oh yeah! You said I was one of her groupies or something," I shook my head, taking another swig of whiskey.
Edward flinched, "look-"
"Why were your pants-"
"-She has uncanny ability to flick her wrist and the button and zipper come undone," Edward shuddered. "I honestly didn't think she'd show up, she wanted to play happy family," Edward shuddered some more.
I pretended to care and listen, but by a certain point I'd finished the bottle off and Edward was watching with wry amusement as I stumbled on words, giggled and threw my hands over my eyes.
"Haven't had sex in eight weeks, fucking Riley!" I peaked to find Edward missing but mumbled more to myself, "you'd think a fuck buddy would want to fuck…especially since he's a male! It's not that hard to turn one on," I muttered.
"Fuck buddy?" The couch dipped, Edward sounded concerned.
"An old fuck buddy," I amended.
"I don't understand, 'aggg ol' hmm budwiser," Edward looked amused, "in fact budwiser is a beer, I'm sure of it."
I shook my head and merely fell asleep, Edward sighed picking me up. I think he changed me into some else, he deposited me onto the bed, I grabbed his hand before he left.
"Stay."
I haven't exactly looked over any of the chapters I post up so I should probably go back and correct all the errors. But at any case, this is chapter ten. It has many faults and flaws.
Enjoy!
And as always review!
Love B.