Chapter 10 - Breaching the Surface

Moving forward, the day was altogether less eventful than the previous night, which came as a relief to Vanille...and no one else. Fang couldn't sit still, Lightning could but her hands were always doing something. And Hope…

Vanille kept an eye on him, and a hand more often than not. He was acting a bit distant, and she knew it was because of Fang. Because they argued. She wanted to be angry. She'd just asked Fang to make sure he was okay under the water because she couldn't go in that deep, and she'd turned it into a lecture.

I know why you're doing this, Fang. But Hope isn't like that. He won't hurt me.

He was in the water again, this time trying to catch a fish because she'd complained of being hungry. He told her it was all mental, that she wouldn't need food anymore, but that he'd get her something to eat anyway. She wasn't sure how he was going to catch anything without a rod, but he assured her it could be done. She remained on the beach, teasing sand through her fingers and toes, reflecting like the clouds on the lake's surface.

So...they were immortal. Maybe to an extent, but since Hope and the others were still alive these six hundred years later, this was a fact she could not ignore. She tried not to think about how long ago she'd been born, how many times the sun had set since she and Fang were little girls in Oerba. It was strange...it was strange how not strange all of this was to her. She'd been alive for over a millennium. Death had become somewhat of a myth to her, as passing and fantastical a dream as being unreasonably wealthy. Learning that she'd once again skated by it wasn't nearly as surprising or spiritually challenging as it should have been. Time for her was skewed as well. What was ancient history for the people now was fresh in her mind. The War of Transgression, The Fall of Cocoon…

Gran Pulse as it once was.

What were they to do with themselves? Hope chose to run, Lightning chose to cling to what she knew and understood. She and Fang were once again thrust into a culture far far advanced past what they understood. There was so much technology they'd have to learn all over again, social cues, everything… What if Hope had the right idea? Just running from it all and -

No. She'd promised she wouldn't run anymore.

Hope came up to her then, dripping with water and victory, a waggling fish in his hand. "Told you I could do it," he said, "though it's been awhile since I've prepared one of these, and it's not like we have plates or anything…"

"It's alright," Vanille said quickly, "I can cook it if we get a fire started, you've already done enough."

Hope hesitated for a second. "Yeah, okay."

It was kind of funny, cooking with Hope. Of course he insisted on helping, that part of him hadn't changed, but it was like cooking with a child. He was so clumsy and out of practice, Vanille started to worry.

"When...when was the last time you ate?" She asked quietly. Hope didn't react for a moment, instead taking the fish and spearing it through with a stick.

"You know, I don't think I remember." He handed her the cooked fish with a slight frown. "Probably a few decades ago. I don't see the point in eating when I don't have to, and the regular people actually need it."

His comment stopped her with the fish part way into her mouth. Almost as if telling a cruel joke, her stomach growled.

Hope realized what he said and raised his hands a bit. "Sorry, that's not what I meant. You'll probably want to eat still, and that's okay. I've just gotten used to not eating, I'm sure the others still do. They never had a reason not to."

"Can you really say that?" Vanille countered. "I don't think either of us know what happened to them."

Hope looked hurt, and Vanille slowly lowered the fish further from her mouth in shame. She hadn't meant to hurt his feelings, but it was true. They'd both spent the past six hundred years in their own heads, in each other's heads, not with the others. It was almost as if they'd been in different worlds. The two of them, Fang, Lightning and the rest of their family.

If he'd seen at all…

"I don't want to go back." Hope said. She almost missed it, but his voice broke at the end. "It's stupid, because I know they'll take me back. I know they miss me, I know…" He poked at the fire and stared into the flames. His eyes looked grey then, the smoke for the clean flames reflected in them. "But it's… I just…"

He stood abruptly, practically shaking from uncomfortable nervous energy. "I'll take you three back, but you'll have to tell Serah I'm alive. I'm sorry."

"Do you think he's telling the truth?"

"Why wouldn't he be? He knows we're not stupid."

"I'm sorry, but good people don't abandon their families for six hundred years, Sunshine."

Lightning crossed her arms, frowning as she tapped her foot against the nearest tree. Having nothing else to do, Fang suggested that they take a walk, which quickly turned into her bitching about Hope. She got it, Fang was protective of Vanille, that was understandable, but Hope was probably the most harmless human being on the planet.

Except maybe to himself. Half his body was painted in scars, and she couldn't be sure that some of them weren't of his own doing. Something he said earlier...

Regardless, he'd never hurt Vanille.

"Since when was this about good people?" She retorted. "Hope's always been a good person, even if he does have a few screws loose. We all do."

"I just can't understand why he's being so evasive about this. Honestly, I think he's full of shit." Fang raises an eyebrow. "Are we really a week out?"

Lightning shrugged, shaking her head. "How should I know?"

...But she should, shouldn't she? She didn't just teleport into the middle of the woods with a bunch of trainees, there would've been a lot of coordination and planning. She should know their exact location and approximately a ten mile radius around that. Nearby settlements, bodies of water like this lake, any potential nesting areas of dangerous creatures. She should know this, but she was barely aware of where her camp was from here.

Seeing the look on her face, Fang clapped a remorseful hand to her shoulder. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be like that. It's just been so long since Vanille and I have really seen any of you." Fang's hand dropped to Lightning's waist, and her stomach splashed to the sand. "You have no idea how hard it is, being trapped in crystal so long, inside your own head… Just watching..."

Her fingers tightened, and Lightning realized how lonely she must've been. Her, Hope and the others, they'd been in crystal stasis for a very short time, hardly long enough to realize that it happened at all. Fang and Vanille, they were freed for the blink of an eye the past millennia, just long enough to finally bring Cocoon to its knees. They probably hadn't even adjusted to being alive again before they were thrust back into limbo.

"That must have been an unimaginable hell, I'm sorry." Lightning wasn't the comforting type, but neither was Fang, so she figured the simple gesture of touching her friend's arm would be enough.

The corners of Fang's lips curled up for a split second, and her own grip relaxed. "Look, I know you care about the kid, but I don't plan on letting Vanille go back again. I have to protect her, even if she doesn't like it. He's dangerous, Sunshine, you just refuse to see it."

Lightning fell back, feeling cold in her bones and a shadow where Fang's hand used to be. Betrayal was clear in the woman's green eyes. "He's not dangerous, Fang. Not to us. Not to her."

"He just killed someone!"

"You saw what happened, he was defending himself, and it's not like either of us have clean hands."

Fang scoffed, wiping her hand on her leg. "I can't believe I thought you'd understand. There's something going on here, Lightning, open your eyes."

Lightning pressed her lips tight in agitation. "I know. I'm not blind. Hope's been acting strange since before he ran off in the first place." She grabbed Fang's wrist, flinching away when Hope's screams burned in her ears. "But he's not going to open up if you treat him like an enemy. We need him to trust us if we're going to figure anything out."

"Trust us?"

"Yes, trust us." Lightning sighed. "Just try not to bite his head off, and I'll deal with him. He's been alone too long, but I know I can bring him around." Ignoring the pain in her ears and her heart, she offered her hand to Fang. "If you can't trust him, then trust me."

There was a silence that dampened the birds, and even the waterfalls. Fang's mouth twitched, and Lightning could practically see the two halves of her warring behind that familiar determined mask. There was something going on with her too, something beyond Hope's behavior. It was dark and deep and boiling, stewing for hundreds of years, only now bubbling to the surface.

Eventually she relented, going all-in with a smirk, weaving her fingers through Light's. "Alright, I trust you. But if he does anything to hurt Vanille—"

"Then we'll kick his ass together." They both smiled with varying levels of force. "Let's finish this walk, you need to cool off."

Fang snorted. "Sure, whatever." She pulled Lightning by the hand and started chattering on about anything other than Hope and Vanille, apparently eager for the distraction.

They still hadn't returned by nightfall, and Vanille was starting to get worried. She hadn't said anything, but he could tell. As much as she liked to think she was hard to read, she wasn't. Especially not to him. She was uncharacteristically still, and silent, blankly watching him stack shells.

When his tower toppled after a measly five, Hope gave up trying to distract himself and started to toss the shells back into the water. The splashes were soft enough at first, hardly a drip, but the last shell — his base, nearly as big as his hand — landed flat, and that splash was loud enough to startle Vanille from her trance. So he took the opportunity.

"Hey, are you okay?"

The blank look didn't quite leave her eyes right away, until she shook her head, twisting her fingers into a pigtail. "I'm fine."

"I know you're worried about them." Hope scooted closer to her, forcing sand to shift and pile around his legs. "Vanille, they're okay, I'm sure Fang just wanted to stretch her legs. She hasn't used them in a while." He instantly regretted his pathetic attempt at a joke, but she didn't seem to notice.

"No, I know, it's just…"

Hope put his arm around her shoulders, squeezing gently. "You know you can talk to me, if you need to. I'm sure there's a lot of things you need to work through."

"Not as much as you." She looked over at him, searching his face. For what, he didn't know. "I… we saw a lot of it, Hope. What you went through all alone. I wanted so badly to wake up and help you, I didn't…"

There was something more she wanted to say, it hung thick in the air between them. This felt wrong. He'd never had such a hard time getting her to talk to him, had she seen something that changed the way she saw him? Hope got to his knees, shuffling to sit back on his feet in front of her. "Hey, look…" He took her hands and settled them between their laps. "Everything that happened to me, everything that's going to happen to me, it's all my fault. I left the others, I chose this path."

Vanille seemed to choke, leaning forward, "But Hope, that's not true. It's not your fault you're out here." She set one of her hands free, and for a brief moment, apparently considered reaching out for his face. She swallowed. "It's mine. I made you chase after Snow. If—if it weren't for me…"

"Don't you dare," he said softly, shaking his head, "don't you dare blame yourself, Vanille. A thousand things went wrong that day. Any number of them could have led me to becoming a l'Cie. Who knows if I even needed to be in the Vestige?" He rubbed his thumb slowly over the hand he still held. "I don't regret anything that happened before Cocoon fell. Because we followed Snow, I met all of you."

She wasn't convinced. He could feel her trembling and her eyes fell once more to the sand. He wasn't going to be able to convince her that this wasn't her fault. She'd probably been telling herself that it was for centuries. To her, it was undeniable truth.

He set his lips in a straight line, then stood, loosening into a smile and although he let her hand go, he offered his for her to take again. "Let me show you something. But you'll have to trust me."

She watched as he took a step back, dipping his heels into the edge of the water. He saw the fear flicker in her eyes, but also a spark of determination. "I trust you." She took his hand very tightly, stiff in her apprehension but she followed as he stepped back further, until their waists were all but submerged.

"Just hold your breath." Hope said calmly. "It's going to feel strange at first, but I promise you don't need air. I won't let go. I just want you to see."

They were in up to their chests. A cloud passed overhead and just as he suspected, the moon was full and bright. Just bright enough for her to mostly see what he could in the day. He made a show of holding his breath, and waited for her to do the same before pulling them in further.

Vanille clung fast to his body, but to her credit she managed to keep her eyes open. He didn't force her too deeply into the lake, didn't force her at all. When she started to cling even tighter, he stopped, and simply pointed down.

Leading down to the lakebed, which was too far for them to see, was practically another world. The plant life grew thicker as it went along and a colorful variety of fish mingled through, of such shapes he was used to now but he did not remember existing on Cocoon.

Admittedly, it seemed impossible that such a small lake would have so many fish right where they could see, but it wasn't the strangest thing he'd experienced on Pulse. Vanille relaxed a little, allowing herself to float a few inches apart from him, even reaching out a hand to a brave little fish that decided to investigate them. It zipped away instantly, of course, but she still smiled.

Taking a chance, Hope began to drift forward, just a little, slow enough to give her plenty of time to signal "no." She didn't, but he soon stopped anyway. This was a big step for her, he didn't want to push her too far.

What scared her turned out not to be the water itself, but another little fish.

It was a vibrant red color, probably the size of one of Snow's hands, and seemed to come out of nowhere. In a flash, it swam right in front of their faces, turning almost robotically soon after, disappearing between the swaying plant life.

Vanille froze, her mouth falling open in silent horror. She wouldn't drown, but Hope did not hesitate to take her by the waist and bring her back to the surface, back to where they could both stand. She coughed and sputtered, but that quickly turned to broken sobs.

Unsure what else to do, he held her gently and just… let her cry. She didn't seem to want to hold him back, but she didn't push him away either so they stood, cloaked in moonlight and soaking wet until she spoke.

"I'm sorry." Vanille brought her hands out of the water and tried to wash her face, sniffling. "I'm sorry, Hope, I don't—I'm sorry…"

"No, Vanille, you have nothing to be sorry for." Hope let her go, only to leave his hands on her shoulders. "Whatever's wrong, it's okay. Let me help."

"I can't, I can't…"

Frowning, he nudged her chin up so she was looking at him. He couldn't bear the red in her eyes, he'd seen it so many times, locked away from her as she died. If he could do something for her now, he would. He had to. "Talk to me, Vanille." He urged gently. "Tell me what's wrong…"

She shook her head, but only once. After that she crumbled back into him and shuddered with every breath. She locked her arms tight around him, as if to make this easier for her. Bunches of his shirt were wrung by her hands, sending rivulets down his back. "I can't lose you again." Her voice trembled, face pressed closer to his beating heart. "I saw it, so many times. You were in so much pain—I tried, I tried so hard to save you…"

His breath caught in his chest, shock almost unlocking his hands behind her back. She… had the dreams too, even in crystal? About him? Perhaps that explains… He almost never remembers them clearly, just her. Her presence, her grief and pain. Was it all real? Were they on opposite sides of the same gil?

Had they really been together all this time?

Hope nodded slowly, rested on the top of her head. "I know how you feel, Vanille. I saw the same thing, only it was you who was dying. I stopped sleeping, I thought I could protect you…"

"You stopped—" Vanille pulled back just enough to look up at him. Her eyes shone like jewels. "Hope…"

"Don't feel bad for me, I haven't needed sleep since I was fourteen." He tried to smile for her, but she still looked horrified. It seemed she'd need more time to understand how all of this worked. "I would do it all again if it meant you could be safe, Vanille." He traced his thumb softly along her cheek, unable to resist. "I traveled all of Pulse for centuries trying to find a way to bring you back, I left our family, I—"

It was a good thing neither of them needed to breathe, because her next move knocked all the air from his lungs. She came close yet again and before he could blink he was tasting the lake from her lips.

"You're an idiot." Vanille whispered, hovering millimeters away.

"I know." Eyes closed, hands frozen to her, Hope prayed for this moment to last as long as it could. "I know, I'm sorry. I was young, and stupid, and…" He sighed, her fingers shifted slightly. "It's too late now, Vanille. In searching for you, I… I lost everyone else. Serah, she…"

He hadn't cried since he was young, but he recognizes the feeling in his throat. Serah treated him like a little brother, like a son. Despite the fact that he lived with his father, he had his own room at her house and she made sure to talk to him all the time, keep him in the loop. He knew everyone else would be okay, but he also knew that his leaving would break her heart.

"It's never too late, Hope." Vanille took his face in her hands and kissed him again, for a few extra seconds. "You spent all this time looking for me, didn't you? Isn't that what you believed?"

"I don't know what I believed." Hope took a deep breath, and then her wrists, gently, eyes still shut tight. "I just… I needed to find you, to save you, to see you…"

"Then why won't you look at me?"

"It's selfish." He admitted sheepishly. "And a little stupid, but… I'm afraid that this moment will end if I do. I've only ever dreamed about being this close to you. And those never ended well…"

"It doesn't have to end, Hope. At least…" Vanille's hands drifted back down to his shoulders. "I don't want it to, either."

Hope swallowed, throat dry, overly aware of the heat from her body, the pressure of her fingertips against his bones.

"Would you promise me…" His hold tightened on her wrists, her heart beat in his palms. "Promise me that you'll be here when I open my eyes."

She breathed; soft, amused. "I promise, Hope."

She kept her promise.