IX. Scene Four. "Transformation" (Beauty & the Beast)
[THE DOCTOR throws himself and PERI onto the floor of the TARDIS and sets it in motion away from Androzani as it is being consumed by mud bursts. He makes her drink the bat's milk, leaving none for himself.]
THE DOCTOR. I don't want to go!
[PERI sits up.]
PERI. I can haz cheezeburger? Doctor, what's wrong?
Song. Transformation (Beauty and the Beast)
WE ARE HOME
WE ARE HERE—I KNOW NO BETTER
THANKS A LOT
FOR THE MILK—IT TASTES LIKE CHEDDAR!
THE DOCTOR. Erm, Peri, I'm about to die and/or regenerate. Do I get to sing?
[She ignores him.]
PERI. FROM TODAY
I'LL STOP WHINING
AND DO ALL THAT YOU SAY . . .
DON'T YOU KNOW HOW YOU CHANGED ME?
STRANGE HOW I FIN'LLY SEE
I FOUND HOME,
THIS IS HOME,
STAY WITH ME!
[THE DOCTOR begins to regenerate.]
PERI. No! No, please! I can't fly the TARDIS without you, crazy blue box man!
[THE DOCTOR is off in his own little world. He hears the instrumentals from "Live and Let Die" by Wings. Guest appearances by Tegan, Turlough, Kamelion, Nyssa, Adric, and the Master.]
TEGAN. WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND YOUR HEART WAS AN OPEN BOOK
TURLOUGH. YOU USED TO SAY LIVE AND LET LIVE
KAMELION. (YOU KNOW YOU DID, YOU KNOW YOU DID, YOU KNOW YOU DID)
NYSSA. BUT IN THIS EVER-CHANGING WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE IN
ADRIC. MAKES YOU GIVE IN AND CRY
THE MASTER. SO LIVE AND LET DIE!
[Perturbed to say the least, THE DOCTOR becomes Colin Baker and sits up.]
Song. Transformation (contd)
THE DOCTOR. PERI, LOOK INTO MY EYES!
PERI, DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
THE CRICKETER WITHIN THE MAN THAT'S HERE BEFORE YOU!
CERTAIN AS THE ROTOR
MAKING GROANING SOUNDS,
TALE AS OLD AS TIME.
SONG AS OLD AS RHYME,
THE DOCTOR ALWAYS REBOUNDS!
ALL. TALE AS OLD AS TIME
SONG AS OLD AS RHYME,
DOCTOR WHO RESOUNDS!
AAAAH … AAAAAH!
[The end. Buy a souvenir programme on your way out.]
Leslie McMurtry