*this chapter is like two rolled into one*

*also, for the person asking when amy will be back. the question isn't: when will amy be back? the question is: when will karma get so frustrated that she goes to her?*

Chapter Ten

Part I

I went to sleep early after everything. I kept practicing this one song until it depressed me so much I couldn't stop crying. Natrually, that exhausted me and I fell asleep. In the morning I was so nervous checking my phone. But there was nothing.

I thought for sure Amy would call back. I thought…

…

Haley texted me though, which was sweet. She took a picture of Shane and put a caption beneath it.

Haley: He's cute but he's no you.

I could just see Shane up there shaking his leg on the stand with all that pent up energy. Neither of us were really happy with the job.

Karma: Poor Shane…

By now though, Haley was for sure away from the pool.

Haley: Any plans for the day?

Karma: Might sleep a little more…

Haley: Ah yes, the pleasing black hole

Karma: What?!

Haley: Time moves quickly when you're unconscious.

Karma: True…

I wanted Amy to call. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to at least know we were still friends.

The more time that went by, the more I knew I was wrong. We were never going to be the same. All the signs were saying so.

I got up instead of sleeping. Haley was right, the black hole was definitely pleasing. But it was no way to live. I needed to try.

My Mom and Dad were going to the flea market in town to sell juice. I went with…

Hours passed. No Amy.

We got back home around 5:30pm.

I mostly wanted to crawl out of myself or just scream for hours or maybe run and run and run and never stop.

I got an idea and dialed Haley.

"Hello?"

"Hi." It made me smile to hear her voice.

"Hi," she said. I could feel her smiling through the phone.

"Will you take me somewhere?"

"Now?"

"Yeah," I said. "If you're busy it's fine-"

"No, I'd love to," she said.

"K," I sighed. I already felt 100% better about the day.

Part 2

When Haley showed up she was all dressed up. She had a tight black dress on and her make-up was on point and she'd straightened her already straight hair.

"Whoa," I said.

"I-" She looked down and remembered herself. "Family dinner," she laughed.

"You look…" I raised my hand up to signal.

"I know," she blushed but turned away from me quickly. I don't think she would've dressed like that just for me but I was happy to see her this way.

I stuck my guitar into her car and got in.

"Okay," she laughed, suddenly noticing the instrument. "Where are we going?"

"There's an open mic night at The Tortoise Shell Cafe. I've never been before and I keep thinking, I should do that, I should do that, but I never go."

"Oh," Haley said. She seemed to like the idea.

"I figured with you along I can't back out."

"Why's that?"

"I want to impress you," I said.

"It doesn't take much, believe me," Haley laughed. "Plus, you've been ready to save me every day for the past month. That's about as impressive as it gets."

"Okay, well, also I was going crazy all day. I think I need this. It's a distraction."

She started the car up and began to drive while I talked.

"What made you crazy all day?" She jumped back a few words

"Amy hasn't called or texted. It's been hours since I told her the truth about what I felt when we kissed. Her only response was to thank me and then say she had to go. What even is that?!"

"Given everything," Haley coughed. "I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to distance herself from you. No offense but at this point she's probably thinking that you'd say anything to get her back."

"Maybe…" I didn't like that thought. I didn't say what I said to get her back. I said it because it was important and I hadn't said it before when I should've. It wasn't about getting her back though I did want that more than anything else in the world.

"Who knows though, she could just be busy, what's she doing anyway?"

"She's touring with a band, documenting, taking pictures." Just like her dad...

"Nice," Haley said.

"She's really good," I said. I hadn't seen much of what she'd done while on tour but what I did see was great. There were a few videos up on youtube and a whole bunch of pictures on Facebook.

Amy has this whole new life away from me.

The same could be said about me but there is nothing new about my life in Austin. Nothing about me has changed. I'd still trade everything for her in a heartbeat.

"I can show you some videos if you want."

Haley's phone buzzed in her pocket. She moved to glance at it and in turn made a face.

"Your family?" If she escaped dinner or something she might be in deep water.

"Jess."

"What?"

"I.. I forgot to mention something important."

"What?"

"It's kind of my birthday today."

"Haley!" I couldn't believe she would keep that from me.

"I need a distraction too."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"Well… I kinda fucking hate my birthday," she started to laugh. "Your birthday is the day when everyone thinks of you because they feel guilty if they don't. I'm not into that."

"Still… You deserve to do things you want to do on your birthday."

"Yeah, well, I wanna hear Karma Ashcroft sing," Haley smiled.

After that we were quiet all the way to the cafe. When we got there it was sort of insane. There were tons of people eventhough we were early. There was a sign-up sheet. I put my name on it, dedicated a time. I got 8:45, which was a good while to wait.

Haley grabbed us some drinks. As soon as we sat down the thing started.

It was cute though. I didn't know I'd get so nervous.

"She was good," Haley said. A girl from my school sang Wild Horses while playing an electric keyboard.

The longer we waited the more nervous I became. Several people went. They were all ages, all interests. There was just so much talent packed into one small room.

Most people didn't watch the others before going on. Probably because it was nerve wracking.

"I dunno if I can do this," I said, at a certain point.

I got up and left during a cute boy's broadway cover of Will I from RENT.

Once I was outside I could breathe again. It was colder than I thought it would be.

"Karma?"

"Over here," I said.

Perfect timing, my phone buzzed in my pants. Haley and I both looked down to see Amy's face on the screen.

"I'm-I'm really sorry for this but can I have a minute?"

"No, sure, of course," Haley said, walking back inside.

I took a deep breath and answered the phone.

"Karma?"

"Amy, hi," I said, worried.

"Hey, I- I'm sorry I couldn't call back sooner, I dropped my phone in the van and couldn't find it and we were all stuck in there like sardines all day. There just wasn't even a minute alone where I could be alone until now."

"Ah-oh, oh, that's okay, it's okay."

"No, it's not okay… Of course it's not okay, I know how you are. I know that probably killed you all night and all day that I had to go and then I just didn't call back. That's not what I wanted to do, Karma. I was stuck, I had no choice."

"Okay," I said, sort of torn between believing her and not. It could all be a lie. How would I know? Amy had gotten good at lying to me lately. She'd gotten better at everything actually. All while I'd gotten worse.

"Okay..." She seemed skeptical of me too. I understood exactly why. I hadn't really given her any reasons to love me lately.

"I'm sorry.. You're right, okay? It did kill me. It killed me so much that I'm about to go on stage at an open mic night."

"Really?" Her voice perked up. She knew how scared I was of performing. I had to be pushed into it most times. I basically had to feel like I had nothing else to lose. The dangers usually outweighed the pleasures. "Karma, that's…" She was quiet for a second. "I wish I could be there," she said.

"Me too…" I said back. But I knew why she couldn't.

"Is Liam with you?"

"Liam? No. No, I haven't really seen much of him this summer. Haven't wanted to since all that business with the big fight and his dad and that check… I haven't even thought about him in over a month. Plus, ever since..." I stopped talking. I sighed. "We don't fit," I said. That was simple now. I understood that more than most things.

"Oh…" Amy seemed down but I couldn't really figure her out.

"I asked Haley to take me tonight, she's sweet," I said, trying to make it seem normal.

"Who's Haley?" Amy asked.

It was weird. I didn't want to talk about Haley. That's not why.

Ug. I should never have brought her up.

"She swims at the pool in the mornings. She reminds me of you, actually. She's cute like you and sweet like you. Always says the right things…" I realized I was stalling. "Yesterday she talked me into going to coffee after work and we couldn't stop talking."

"Oh. Well, that's good, right?"

"Yeah," I said. But I felt strange about everything. Nothing was really good. Haley was nice and lovely and that kiss was nice and it was great to have someone to talk to but… Amy…

"What'd you talk about?" Amy asked. I couldn't tell if she was actually curious or perhaps just trying to be a good friend.

"All I could talk about was you," I said, plainly.

"What?"

"The only reason we went out was because she noticed how down I was at the pool every day…"

"Karma…"

"I know. You don't want to know."

"No, no. That's not-"

"Of course that's it," I scoffed. "You can't even talk to me for 2 minutes without needing to hang-up or be anywhere else."

"Karma..."

"I dunno how to fix this." I was suddenly upset. "You're all I think about, all I want. You're the only person who's ever really made me happy and you're gone." I paused and tried to gather myself. I didn't want to say something I'd regret. "I'm just worried that when you come back you still won't want to have anything to do with me. Okay.. Not just scared… Terrified. I'm terrified."

"Can we please just take this one step at a time?" Amy asked.

All I felt though was a burning.

Haley peeked her head out of the doorway. I looked over and noticed.

"You're up in 5," she said.

I gave her a nod and she disappeared again inside.

"I kissed her," I said. I didn't know why. I just did it.

"What?"

"Last night, after we talked about you and about Haley's friend who sounds A LOT like me, I kissed Haley."

"Um…"

"Look, I dunno why I did it but I wanted to tell you."

"Okay…" I could hear the confusion in her voice.

"If you were here I probably would've kissed you again," I laughed awkwardly but I knew it wasn't funny. Tears glossed over my eyes.

"Karma…"

"I know it's not funny. I'm mad at myself. I can't remember a time when I wasn't mad. I'm starting to see it more. How I am. What I do. I just do things and they affect people. And I don't mean to hurt people but I do."

She didn't know what to say. I could tell. "I'm like that sometimes too."

"No. Not nearly as much." I cut the thought off where it started. Time to change the subject. "I have to sing soon." I paused a while. "Amy, I need you to talk to me." She could never know how much of her I needed.

"Will you call me later?" She asked sweetly. "We're not playing here tonight. We can talk, I promise. I just need time. I can't just say things and leave you or have you say things and then I leave. We're too far apart for that."

"Okay…" I would spend my whole life on the phone with her if it was the only way we could be together. I wondered if she knew.

"Okay," she said. "Well.. break a leg!"

"I will!" I cried a little through my laughed.

"Love you," she said, breaking me just a little too much.

"I love you too, Amy." When I said it though I really wondered if she knew how much I meant it, how much I always meant it. My love for her was never an act or a lie. My love for her might be the only thing I've ever been clear about.

The line dropped and I looked out at the parking lot. Cars were coming and going. Further out, the street was busy with other people living their normal lives.

Haley popped up again. "They're looking for you," she said.

I walked to meet her, suddenly so grateful that she was around.

"Kiss me," I said.

"What?" She smiled queerly.

I cut her off and kissed her instead. Before I did it, all I could think about was my nerves and I needed a distraction. Then she appeared out of nowhere and she looked hot as hell.

When I grabbed her Haley stumbled out the door and pushed into me until my back hit the wall.

My head spun as she used her hands this time, touching me places as we kissed. I felt her right thumb at my hip bone and her left tracing the line of my jaw.

She tasted sweet like herself but there were also notes of chia tea, and chlorine, and, chapstick.

"Mmmm," I moaned into her mouth and felt as she pushed away just a bit to breathe just enough so that she could keep on kissing me for just one or two moments more.

It wasn't until I felt myself whimper that I remembered it was time.

"KARMA ASHCROFT?" A man came out the door and called.

"Mmm, right here!" I squeaked, laughing right after.

Haley laughed too, her entire body pressed up against mine. She had me trapped but I liked it.

"Feel better?" She asked, looking down on me.

"Mmmhmm," I smiled, my eyes adoring her.

"You're up," the man said.

"Okay, I'm coming," I said, but I stared at Haley as I said it and not at the man.

She pushed off of me and followed as I moved inside.

I grabbed my guitar on the way and got up on the stage. Once up there I realized I hadn't really prepared or practiced. Two of my strings needed tuning and I adjusted them right away.

"Okay, well. My name's Karma and this is my first time doing an open mic." A few people whistled and cheered at that. "I'm nervous and I've been singing this song non-stop lately but I want to dedicate this performance tonight to my new friend Haley. She's sitting right back there and I wouldn't be here without her and also it's her birthday and also she's a lovely kisser," I cleared my throat and tried to contain my smile. The crowd was torn too. There was laughter and clapping and mixed awww sounds coming from every which way.

I began to strum the intro to Ponytail Parades by Emery.

These sleepless nights, this isn't how it's supposed to be…

As soon as I began to sing I luckily lost myself in the song. Lost myself thinking about Amy.

At the end I was shaking but happy. Everybody clapped. At some point I had started crying but didn't even notice until the end.

I got down off the stage and random people followed me to talk to me. Someone had given Haley a flower and a free drink.

Haley came and grabbed me, she helped me outside where she knew I'd feel better.

While the strangers said nice things I leaned onto Haley and allowed her to hold me.

It wasn't until everyone else was gone that I actually let myself feel what I had just done.

"Okay, so, that was insane," Haley said softly. Her lips were in my hair. My whole body was against her.

"Did you like it?" I asked, staring up at her.

"Of course I did, you were amazing."

I realized myself and pushed off of her to stand up.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I said.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I kissed you," I said.

"Yup."

"More than once."

"True," she said, unaffected.

"Why did I do that?" I asked.

"Well, the first time I think you felt bad for me and the second you were nervous and needed to calm down."

Why did she know me better than I did?

"Still…" I said.

"Does it matter?" She asked.

"Of course it matters," I said, realizing.

I waited a beat before remembering. "Shit. It's your birthday…"

"Karma, forget about that, really."

"No, I want to do something for you."

"Why?"

"You've already done a lot for me," I said stubbornly.

"Okay," she laughed. "Fine, what should we do?"

"I dunno," I sighed.

"I have an idea," she smiled, pulling me along to follow her back to her car.

I felt nervous but oddly safe with her. Any other person might set me on edge. Amy excluded, obviously.

Haley drove us a long way until we got to an unfamiliar road and the car began to climb and then climb.

"What's this place?" I asked.

"It's my favorite," she said.

I stayed quiet as the dreamy music played. Halfway up the hill I scooted over next to her and laid my body into hers. I wanted to feel comfort again. She was good at that, good at comforting me.

We were almost there and I nearly fell asleep when I felt the car finally park.

"Come on," she said. She pulled something from the glove compartment and then a blanket from the backseat.

I followed her outside and saw that she was spreading a blanket out beneath a tree near a cliff.

"Wow," I said. Looking up, I seemed to see a million stars. "I've never seen the sky like this."

"Come on," she said, she'd sat down and motioned for me to join her so I did.

We laid back and looked down on the lights of Austin.

"This place is crazy beautiful."

"I have a friend who lives out here. We used to come here all the time."

"Why'd you stop?" I asked.

"She got a boyfriend, too busy."

"Oh," I sighed, cuddling up to her and taking the flask from her hand. I took a few large sips and sighed. All I wanted to say was, I wish Amy was here…

Naturally, I kept that to myself.

"You're thinking about her aren't you?"

"I don't think I can stop," I said.

"And that's perfectly okay," she hugged me close.

"Why didn't you answer earlier when Jess called?"

"I just… Know," she said.

"What do you know?" I took the flask back and drank again.

"I know she wanted to see me and it's not fair for her to want that today."

"Why not?"

"Every other day I've wanted to see her. If I saw her today I'm 100% sure it would've been the best day of my life."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It would be bad…"

"Why?"

"I'd rather see her every day of the year and have her be mad at me than see her only on my birthday and have her doing the things she's wanted to do for 364 other days out of the year…"

"Oh," I sighed… I guess that made sense, but how could she know that it would only be one day?

She sighed, sensing my confusion.

"What if it was your birthday today and Amy came back? Would you feel like she came back because she loved you or would you feel like she came back out of guilt?"

"Both, probably," I confessed.

"And what would you do? If she was here…"

"I'd kiss her," I confessed. Ever since she left I'd been wondering about what it would really feel like to kiss her now after everything we'd done, everything we'd been through.

"That's very interesting," Haley smiled. I looked up at her and noticed her lips. Wanting to kiss Amy transferred to wanting to kiss Haley.

My eyes fell and we were kissing again only this time surrounded by darkness and silence with no one else around and nothing to stop us or distract.

I lay down on the blanket and let Haley make me feel.

"Would you kiss her like this? Out here in front of the stars..." Haley asked, hovering over me and taking me in.

"I dunno," I said. "I don't think I'm brave enough to try something like-"

She dipped down again and tasted me, stopping me from thinking.

I closed my eyes and imagined Amy, imagined it was her kissing me under the blanket of stars the real stars. It tasted better that way, a million times better, even though...

A moan escaped me and Haley smiled.

"And what else would you do?" Haley asked, sounding curious and breathless.

I reached my hand up beneath her shirt and felt her skin.

Haley dipped down and licked my neck. My whole body lit up with feeling.

"I'd ask her to touch me," I panted breathlessly, realizing.

It might've been the booze. It might've been the distance. All of a sudden all I wanted was to feel Amy again, to get her to touch me. To know something for certain, to know what it would feel like, to know how I would feel if she did.

Haley leaned into me with her whole body, her leg moved between mine as she dragged her body up on me and whispered closely into my ear. "Touch you where?" She asked.

"Here," I said, my eyes pinched closed as I pulled Haley's hand from my stomach and led it down to my jeans until her thumb hooked under the hem and all her fingers dragged against my center where her leg had recently been.

"And how do you think that would feel," she asked, unbuttoning my pants and sliding her hand inside over my underwear until she felt my damp heat.

"I- dunno," I panted, my strength draining. She had me paralyzed.

She moved her fingers up and down, sliding them down and then up again.

"Do you think you might like it," she asked, teasing me there.

"I think so," I gulped, loving the feel of it, of her, I realized. This was Haley. This was not Amy.

It was wrong. I realized suddenly.

I pulled her hand away and moved back on my hands until I was free of her.

"What is it?"

"I- I'm sorry," I said. "I just. I can't."

"Don't be sorry," she said, for the second time in two days. She walked close to me on all fours and pulled my forehead into her lips to lay a soft kiss just there. "I shouldn't have done that," she said.

"It's not you," I said. "You're really great. And sexy and-"

She rolled back over to my side until she was comfortable and sitting next to me. She grabbed the flask from my side. She seemed settled but a bit bummed. "It's Amy," she said. "Don't worry, I know."

"What?"

"You want to do these things with her," she said. "I get it." Maybe the song gave it away...

"Well, I didn't know I wanted-"

"But you do, right?"

"I think so," I said.

"That's good. Believe me. I just wish Jess had someone to get her to realize it."

"She has you," I said.

"If Amy tried to do that with you it wouldn't have worked."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I realized how turned on I was, how flustered, how new. The thought of Amy doing.. THAT was just never something I had. I dunno…

"If Amy tried that you'd be too confused to know it was something you wanted."

"I dunno," I said. "Amy's never-"

"Believe me," Haley said.

"Okay…" I hated that this was Haley's birthday.

I waited a few seconds before deciding to speak. "I think you should go see Jess."

"Why?" Haley asked.

"She wants to love you," I said. "Especially today."

"Love is more than another naked night. I don't think Jess wants what you want with Amy."

"What do I want?" I asked. My whole life could be easier if someone would just tell me.

"You want to always have Amy's love." I didn't need anyone to tell me that. That was something I already knew to be true.

"So how is it different?" I asked.

"Jess doesn't want me to love her. And she'd rather be in love with any lame guy out there than me. It really doesn't make a girl feel good to know that."

"That's horrible," I said.

"Believe me, I know…"

"Call her out on it," I said.

"It won't fix anything. She'll still leave me. I'll still know the truth."

I didn't know what to say.

"It's okay, Karma. It's not your fault. I was just curious, really. It was the kiss at the club."

"Haley, I am so sorry."

"Karma," she laughed. "We were just exploring. It's normal. Plus, do you know how exciting it is to know that you really do want Amy? Gives a girl hope…"

I laid down on her side and held her arm.

I didn't know what to say. I felt like falling asleep with her really.

"Come on, let's get you home," she said, probably knowing I was emotionally compromised for the night.

I wasn't sure if she knew about Amy's promise or not, what I was sure about was my own confusion. Haley got me to say things and do things I hadn't thought about. The more I did think about them the more alive I felt and less confused.

Halfway home I couldn't help but speak again. "She doesn't deserve you," I said.

"I'm sure someone's telling Amy that about you right about now."

"I hope not," I laughed. "Even if it's true…"

Haley laughed too.

When we finally got home I didn't know what to say.

"You swimming tomorrow?"

"Bright and early," she said.

"I'll be there," I said.

"My hero," she teased.

"Shut up," I threw a piece of trash at her and she swatted it away.

"Call her," she said. "And tell her the truth about tonight, okay? It's my birthday wish so you have to do it." She seemed surprisingly happy given everything. If she wasn't a ridiculously honest person I might think it was all an act.

"You're too good to me," I said, locking eyes with her and wondering what could've happened if I hadn't stopped. I don't think I would've minded all too much. But I wanted it to be Amy. My first time with a girl. No matter what, it would have to be with Amy and no one else.

"Yea well, I'm a creature of habit," she said, repeating something she said yesterday something I hadn't thought about again until now.

"Happy Birthday Haley."

"Goodnight Karma," she said. "Call her."

I closed the door and watched as her car rolled away. It was a mess of a night but at least it somewhat helped me to see a few things.