This chapter was actually quite difficult to write, and we have some of our favourite Avengers stopping by to say hello!
Pepper stirred some time later as her eyes tried to adjust to the dark room, she squinted trying to make out her surroundings, once satisfied she was safe she eased herself up onto her elbows.
A throbbing headache slowly reared its head rendering her completely useless for the day; she dropped back against the pillow and pressed her palms to her forehead.
She closed her eyes trying to remember why she was feeling the way she was, she listed off what she didn't do, then tried to work out what she did.
She knew she didn't drink, Happy and Rhodey were drinking, she worked out that she didn't hurt herself, then she remembered the tea, she sighed, she recalled Tony mentioning some strong tea he used to drink when he was overworked in college, 'knocks you straight out', he used to say smiling the lopsided grin she loved so much.
Tears began to sting her eyes as she exhaled a shaky breath.
She finally forced herself to get up thanking whoever designed this building that they incorporated an en suite; she padded over to the bathroom and flicked the shower on. A quick glance at her watch showed it was close to four in the morning, the last time she showered at this time of the day was going back about eight or nine years ago, when her boss threw up all over her after another long night partying too hard. She shook her head at the memory then laughed at herself at all the random times which sprang to her mind. That same night she remembered that he was extremely sweet and apologetic about his behaviour and promised to change, she remembered rolling her eyes at the statement, but now, looking back, he did, he changed subtly, all those things he used to do, still continued to happen, but on a more toned down level. She remembered cradling him in her arms while he was sick and ranting on about the girls he spent the night with, all the Catherine or Mia what's her names…and about how no one knew the real him, and even though he was drunk and incoherent, Pepper knew this was the real him. His emotions were unmasked around her and she remembered the warm feeling which spread through her heart at his vulnerability and honesty.
She finally stepped into the shower immediately sinking down to the cold tiles which weren't warmed by the water yet. Tears spilled out of her eyes as every memory which washed over her was more painful than the one before.
Whatever she tried to do to make the pain lessen was met with a cruel mocking failure, her heart felt like it was getting ripped open every time it seemed she was getting better at this. Then she became angry, how could she ever get better at this, this wasn't something you get over, or move past, it was something which would haunt her for the rest of her life and she hated him for it.
How dare he leave her like this, how dare he think her life was more important than his, how dare he make that decision for her, he had no right.
Sobs and agonising cries wracked her body eliciting the most painful moans she'd ever let escape from her lips. She wrapped her arms around her stomach and tried to squeeze the pain away, pretend that it wasn't as bad as it was, but it didn't work.
Her tears washed away as the hot water caressed her cheeks, only when she realised that she was beginning to feel numbness did she realise it was time to get out.
Wrapping a towel around herself she stepped out and looked at her reflection in the mirror, the sickly pallor of her skin made her cringe inwardly, six days had gone by, each on becoming more and more difficult with no end in sight.
She sighed as she got dressed and made her way to the kitchen, what else could she do now, she couldn't sleep, she knew that much. She knew there was no way she could even entertain the idea of sleep, so she made herself a coffee and sat at the counter. Rhodey had found her blackberry amongst all the clothes she had thrown out and placed it on the bench along with some other items he had dug out of her pockets a set of keys and her pass to Stark industries.
She reached across the counter and pulled the phone to herself, the screen flashed on with reminders from her calendar.
Tony Stark to attend press conference: twelve hours
Arc Reactor technology presentation: sixteen hours
Dinner with Tony: overdue twenty hours
She cleared the reminders and flicked through the missed calls and messages, most of them were from various news columnists or magazine editors, some were from Rhodey and Happy, she guessed from when it happened, and then there were some she wasn't expecting, but they drew a smile from her lips. There were messages from Bruce and Steve, calls from Clint and Natasha, and several attempts from Director Fury.
She glanced at the time and decided that it was fine to try and call them back, after all, as CEO she was always up and taking calls any time after five, and being a Director of the world's most powerful agency, she thought Fury would be up too. She took a sip of coffee and began going through the list looking for his return number.
The phone rang less than two times before the familiar voice on the other end greeted her; Fury refused to speak about this matter in this fashion, so he offered to send someone to pick her up and come in to speak to The Avengers in person. As much as she enjoyed her silent reverie, she needed to get out into world and start speaking with people again.
She padded over to the living room and gently woke Rhodey up careful not to disturb Happy.
His shock at her sitting by his side jolted him awake, 'what's wrong, is everything ok?' He breathed quickly looking around for any sign of danger.
She put a hand gently on his shoulder, 'everything is fine, I came to tell you that Director Fury is sending someone over to pick me up, they want to discuss a few things,' she smiled gently ensuring Rhodey knew she was going of her own free will.
'Do you want me to come with you?' He asked sitting up.
Pepper shook her head, 'no, I think this is something I need to do on my own.'
Rhodey smiled, 'ok, let me know if you need anything, do you know how long you'll be gone?'
'No, I'll call you.' She offered.
'Ok, you'll do great.' He smiled pulling her into an embrace.
'Thanks, for everything Rhodey,' she whispered before pulling back, 'they're here, I'll see you soon.'
Rhodey walked her out to the door and made sure she was safe with the S.H.I.E.L.D agent, after checking and rechecking his identification more than four times. She wanted to roll her eyes, but she knew she would be doing the same. Tony always taught her that and Happy always reinforced it.
After finally getting into the car she pulled out her blackberry and began sifting through the hundreds of emails which had flooded her inbox over the last six days.
Several dozens of emails later, she dropped the phone into her bag and rubbed her eyes, it was nearly seven now and the sun had risen over the Los Angeles skyline. She allowed herself a moment of pure silence enjoying the rays on her face, and the serenity which came with it.
The peace was broken by the car coming to a halt, 'we're here ma'am.'
Pepper nodded as another agent came to her door and opened it helping her out.
'Director Fury is waiting in the office, ma'am.' The new agent informed her as he led her toward the highly secure facility.
She marvelled at the security procedures S.H.I.E.L.D had in place, and she recognised most of these features as Tony's personal upgrades. She smiled to herself, as much as he liked to say he didn't like playing with these boys, he did so much to help them without even being asked.
The agent stopped at the end of the winding corridor which they walked through and nodded to the door leading to the office.
'Thank you.' Pepper nodded courteously.
She pushed the door open and spotted Fury talking to a group of young agents, they stood around him taking down notes and orders, as she approached they stopped talking.
'That will be all, we'll reconvene at seventeen hundred hours.' Fury nodded to the agents.
They saluted him before moving away from Pepper, she couldn't be sure, but she sensed a hint of awkwardness toward her, 'thank you for seeing me,' she held her hand out shrugging away the feelings.
'Thank you for coming in,' he led her to a seat by the windows, 'come, sit.'
She looked around at the office, she thought about how Tony described the helicarrier and she imagined it would look a lot like this.
The prompt mannerisms of all the agents had a familiar air about them, it reminded her so much of Phil, he was there so many times to help Tony when no one else would. A pang of hurt shot through her. Tony helped these people so many times too, and now they were both gone, good, caring men, gone.
She fought against the tears and pushed them back, she would not let them out here, not like this.
Fury sat down and Pepper followed suit folding her hands neatly in her lap, 'this shouldn't have happened,' she said simply.
Fury nodded, 'I'm so sorry.'
'I, I don't know what to do,' she looked at him pleadingly, 'I don't even know where to start.'
Fury looked intently at the woman and then outside the window, 'the reason I called you here is because I need you to shed some light for me.'
'On what?'
'His armour advancements.' Fury explained.
Pepper looked down at her hands, 'he's been dead for six days and you're calling me for his designs?'
Before she knew it she felt the heat rising to her cheeks and she was getting to her feet.
Fury got up to stop her, 'please, you misunderstand me,' he gestured for her to sit, 'please.'
Pepper sucked in a deep breath and sat down.
Fury brought up a video and turned the screen toward Pepper, 'this is footage from the attack, this is what was broadcast on the news.'
Pepper swallowed the lump in her throat as the video began to play and she watched the devastation as if it were happening to someone else.
Just as she remembered; she was thrown outside and the armour began to unravel itself from her body she watched on as the final missile hit the already crumbling structure and braced herself as it went plummeting into the sea below.
She looked up at Fury not sure what this was meant to achieve.
'The armour, in the video, what is it?' He asked patiently.
Pepper cleared her throat, 'something new he was working on, I think it was just a prototype non weaponised.'
'We didn't know anything about it,' he mused, 'usually Stark came to us with ideas.'
Pepper nodded, 'this was new, he only made it a few days before…'
'Thank you.' Fury managed, 'I'm sorry, he was a really good man.'
'Yeah, he was.' Pepper agreed getting to her feet quickly wiping a stray tear as it rolled down her cheek, 'I promised Bruce I'd see him, is he around?'
Fury nodded solemnly, 'he's been waiting for you, Agent Hill will show you to his room.'
Pepper shook his hand and followed Hill silently, neither woman spoke and Pepper was extremely grateful, she was not one for small talk and being here for the reason that she was, she definitely didn't feel the need for it.
Agent Hill stopped at an elevator and pushed the button to go down.
'Bruce works in the lab downstairs, he hasn't left for days, so having a visitor will be good for him.' Hill explained.
The doors opened and they both stepped inside, Pepper looking down at her feet, 'did Tony work down there too?'
She needed to know and she needed to prepare herself for an onslaught of familiarities which would no doubt shatter any composure she had managed to build.
The doors opened on the lower floor and Hill sighed, 'he did, Bruce didn't let us touch any of his things, so there are boxes if you'd like to collect anything.'
Pepper nodded in acknowledgement, 'thank you.'
Hill smiled weakly, 'I'm sorry.'
'Thank you.' Pepper added before stepping out of the elevator and leaving Hill, she was getting increasingly irritated with all the apologies.
She took a deep breath and slowly made her way to the double doors where she knew her wall would come crumbling down around her, she tapped on the frosted glass and noticed a figure of a man walking over to the door.
The frosting on the glass dissipated and the doors opened revealing a very tired looking Bruce.
'You came.' He managed simply.
Pepper nodded and followed him inside as the doors closed behind them.
She looked around spotting all the obviously Tony things; the band shirt folded over the back of a chair, the many StarkTech tablets and laptops, tools which she noticed had grease marks on them and in the farthest corner, on a little table beside a computer was a framed photograph from a function she had attended with Tony, so long ago.
She felt the sting of oncoming tears before pushing them back and drawing her eyes away from the photo.
'Please, sit.' Bruce pushed out a chair for hair and awkwardly cleared the clutter from the desk in front of her, 'coffee?'
'Please.' She smiled weakly.
She watched as he walked over to the coffee machine in the corner and waited for the coffee to make itself, she let out a sigh thinking about how much he and Tony needed each other. His awkward personality was not one which meshed well with many people, and his other personality was somewhat of a conversation stopper, but not for Tony, he was his friend above anything else and he did anything to stick up for him.
Bruce finally came back and held out a mug to Pepper.
'Do you think he's dead?' Bruce asked abruptly.
Pepper looked at him, considering the reasoning behind his question, 'I don't want to believe it.'
He simply nodded, 'I don't think he is.'
'Why?' Pepper took a sip and looked at him intently.
'The armour he was working on, when he got you out he called it back right?' He spoke quickly bringing up the news footage Fury had shown her earlier, 'see this, here,' he pointed to the image of the armour leaving her body, 'it's going back into the house, so he was still alive at this point, what's to say he didn't get out, that the armour didn't save him?' He stopped to rewind the image again, 'what if he's out there, hurt and we're not looking for him?'
Pepper bowed her head, she knew denial when she saw it and this was the ultimate definition if ever there was one. She felt her own heart constricting trying to push away the small slivers of hope which tried to weave their way through her body with every word that came out of his mouth.
'If you look here, there's a window where the camera doesn't quite capture the entire frame, what if he got out somehow?' He continued.
Her breath caught in her chest while she tried to slow her breathing down clutching at her chest.
She pressed a cold palm to her forehead focussing heavily on her breathing while Bruce continued on and on about the possibilities that Tony survived.
'Stop, please,' she felt her tears pouring out of her eyes as uncontrollable shallow breaths threatened to suffocate her, 'stop…'she managed.
She didn't even notice the door had opened until she felt a firm arm around her shoulder pulling her away from Bruce.
'Stop!' Steve yelled as he pushed Pepper behind him, 'Bruce, you're out of line, this is completely inappropriate.'
'Oh god,' Pepper sobbed into her hands, 'It's ok, Steve, really, I'm ok.'
Steve turned to look at her, his face showed anger she had never thought possible for Captain America, 'it's not alright,' he said firmly turning back to Bruce, 'you're out of line Doctor, whatever you're doing down here keep it to yourself.'
Pepper finally slowed her breathing down enough to avoid a full anxiety attack, 'please, Steve, it's ok, he's just, he's just upset, we all are.'
Steve turned to face her and gently showed her to the door, 'I know, but this is not what you need, I'm sorry you had to see that.'
'It's alright, can we please get some air?' She whispered.
Steve nodded and led her down the hallway and into the elevator, 'we'll go to the top floor,' he pushed the button and they rode in silence.
Once they arrived at their destination Steve stood back while Pepper exited the elevator, 'I bet Tony used to come out here all the time…' she murmured.
Steve stepped around her and looked over the skyline, 'he did, said you could see Stark Tower if you squint real hard.'
Pepper laughed, 'yeah, the size of his ego, I wouldn't be surprised if he had built something that large.'
Steve nodded with a smile before looking down at his hands, 'I'm really sorry Pepper, this isn't something that should ever happen to someone,' he paused regaining his composure and looking up at her, 'when I was back, in my time, I lost so many good men who had families back home waiting for them and the pain that comes with telling someone they're loved one isn't coming home, it isn't something you get used to,' he looked around at their surroundings taking everything in, 'Tony was a friend to me, even if we didn't see eye to eye most days, but when it came to the team…he did everything in his power to help, and do what's right…' he turned from her and she noticed the tense posture of his shoulders, 'what they did to him, it isn't right, he was a hero, and that was a cowardly attack.'
Pepper swallowed hard, 'what do I do now?'
Her words came out in barely a whisper, she had no idea how he heard her as a breeze whisked past her and silenced her. She wrapped her arms around herself shivering as the cold went through her body.
She had made it to the seventh day…she had no idea how the lifetime ahead of her would go.
'You live, you remember him and how much you loved him, that's all any of us can do.' Steve murmured looking to Pepper.
She nodded exhaling a shaky breath, 'I don't think I can do this.'
Steve stepped closer and shielded her from the wind, 'you can, we're here, all of us.'
She shook her head letting the tears fall and crash to the ground below, 'I can't, not this, the company or coping, this is not how it was meant to be.'
Steve wrapped his arm around her shoulder, 'you're not alone, just remember that, we can all help you with everything.'
'It's not fair, we didn't have enough time,' she sobbed into her hands feeling her legs weakening beneath her and she relied solely on Steve to stop her from dropping to her knees.
He instinctively wrapped both arms around her and held her up against him while she cried, eventually the weakness in her legs caused them both to drop to their knees, he still held her against him shielding her from the cruelness of the world and icy cold wind.
They sat unmoving for a long time before the elevator door opened and Clint and Natasha both came to kneel beside them.
'Hey, let's get you inside, it's freezing.' Natasha gently pulled Peppers arm away from Steve and helped her to her feet.
Steve looked down as his own cheeks were stained with tears.
Pepper walked quietly, still sobbing as Natasha led her into the elevator, much to her relief Steve and Clint stayed on the roof.
Tony would probably disown her for letting the Captain hug her; he would have made some smug remark or joke, even though they both secretly knew how much Tony respected him.
Natasha led her to her own quarters and sat her down in the cot, 'have this,' she handed her a glass of scotch.
Pepper shook her head to which Natasha took as an opportunity to force it into her hand, 'trust me, you'll feel better,' once she was satisfied Pepper was content she poured herself a glass and sat down on a chair in front of her, 'he didn't deserve this, they were cowards and we will find them, I promise you that.'
'I know you will.' Pepper murmured taking a sip of the scotch; she welcomed the burn and the warmth which spread through her body. She realised then how Tony found comfort in the darkest hours.
'I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling, but I can tell you I've been through loss, and what they say about it getting easier, it's not true,' she spoke in a cold, merciless tone, 'the darkness doesn't become lighter and the weight doesn't lessen, but what does happen, is understanding and acceptance, then the rage sets in, and that's where you have to be careful,' she looked at Pepper intently, 'you have to make sure the rage doesn't consume you because then you've lost yourself and you've lost his memory.'
Pepper considered her words, 'you're right, because all I can think about is rage and hate toward them, and I've never felt anything like this before, and it's terrifying.'
Natasha nodded, 'it is, and it's only going to get worse, but I'm here and I won't let you become like me.'
That statement made Pepper respect this woman much more than she had ever given her credit for, she remembered feeling betrayed at 'Natalie's' deception, and she found it difficult accepting that Natasha was going to be a part of their lives, and a huge part in Tony's as an Avenger.
Now she was grateful, Natasha was one of the only people she felt close to, someone who despite her differences with Tony, was the most similar to him and the one who understood without Pepper having to say a word and that was something she found more important than she could even express. They drank in silence, each for their own reasons. Pepper for her loss and Natasha for her failure to protect one of her own.
Thank you for reading!