Chapter 10.
"Seeing William and Annette with Sherry made me somewhat jealous, and I'm being very selfish. So stop me when you get sick of my banter." I continue to pick away the cotton pills on his undershirt; he chuckles.
"I never get sick of hearing you." His hand moves a lock of hair out of my face as if to say 'go on.'
"I want to have a child, Albert." Why? I say these delirious things when I know how this all ends. I'll be back in Edonia unable to keep the child anyway. Doesn't matter, he's silent. Of course, he doesn't want a child, yet I can't shut my mouth. "Maybe it's just me, but I think it'd be wonderful to have a boy. We would raise him right, and he would protect –" When he began to speak, all I could hear was no.
"How about we work on the child part first?" Wavering, his voice holds definite uncertainty. I cover it with a laugh, masking my embarrassment.
"Only if you want to." He doesn't.
"Anything for you." He kisses my forehead. My chest hurts because I know two things 1) Albert doesn't want children and 2) I don't deserve a child anyway.
–x–
It's been snowing. Staring out the windows at the white blankets makes me nervous. I stand out like an alien in front of snow; I don't want to be seen. My stomach does Olympic level flips as I approach the doors of the Birkin estate. Annette – reluctantly – took my offer to teach Sherry piano, only after receiving a thorough recommendation from Grace of course. Lifted from the snow, I stand on the front porch, waiting for any excuse to leave. A good while passes, and when I'm about to leave – already turning towards the pavement – William opens the front door. 'Come in,' he whispers through a smirk. He disappears into the large house, expecting me to blindly follow. I slip my shoes off at the front door – as I'm expected – as is proper etiquette. The house is eerie, silent, dead.
"What are you waiting for?" William calls from the other room; his sly voice is bouncing off of all the walls. I approach him. "Ah, Sherry isn't here today."
"So I shall leave." I turn on a dime because I want any and every reason to get away from him.
"Wait." I stop; obedience isn't something that you can just lose. "I have your paycheck in the other room; follow me." Before I can respond to his statement, he is already walking away. He stops. "What are you waiting for?"
"Sorry," I quickly try to catch up to him, as he ascends a set of stairs. He disappears into a room, and I patiently wait outside for him. A few minutes pass, but he never emerges from the room. "William?" No response. I cautiously approach the door. As I walk through the doorway, William is still out of sight. A few steps later, the door shuts behind me. His hands rest on my waist, sending shivers down my spine.
"I don't love Annette." He whispers in my ear.
"I don't understand..." I do.
"I believe you do." His body is pressed against my back. "Why else did you follow me up here? You wanted this. How could you be satisfied with Wesker, only Wesker?"
"No, you said –"
"Even you can't be that naïve." But I am because I never learn… His hands wander. "Annette hates you because she could never dream of being this attractive. Wesker doesn't respect you and probably doesn't finish the job."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Men used to pay to fuck you." He flashes a check in front of my face. "You should understand this transaction." He pulls me towards the bed. I can't talk. I don't want to. I can't move. I'm not supposed to.
–x–
William finished the job. I haven't felt this way in years; all the self-loathing returns tenfold. How would Albert react to this? Perhaps this was his test, and I've failed miserably. Physically and emotionally, I'm sore, but my heart strangles itself in disgust. I just had to say the magic word. Why couldn't I just say 'no'? I wander around the twisted prison that Birkin owns. I find the front door and carelessly throw the door open. The wind burns my skin, as I exit the hell of a residence. I bite my lower lip in an attempt to curb the rush of everything. I don't want to be here. My eyes are drowning in their own tears, and I wish I could say that I fought Birkin or that I screamed. But I didn't. I just sat there. My mind was elsewhere and returned to this disgusting, broken thing. When I arrive at Albert's apartment door, I do a check, wipe my eyes, fix my clothes, and draw a deep breath. I can't face him right now. I'll fall apart; I know I will. Holding my breath, I open the door. Silence greets me with its double-edged embrace. The façade I threw together outside the door shatters, and I spill across the floor. It's as if the world is making me do exactly what Spencer wants. The door shuts behind me, and Albert's arms are around my waist.
"I am home." He greets me, oblivious.
"Welcome home…" I can't shake my disgust from myself.
"We have plans." He walks off into the room.
"For what?" I slowly follow after him.
"Restaurant reservations, I want to catch up with you and your job." I'd rather not talk about that.
"What kind of restaurant?" I watch him from the door as he changes briskly.
"Wear something sexy." He winks from the closet. My heart hurts; I swear it's limiting the blood flow to my lungs. Breathing hurts because every breath will be wasted on a lie. I comply. I want to see him smile because I'm selfish because I need some sort of justification that leaving him will be okay. I grab a dress off of a hanger and begin to walk towards the bathroom when he stops me. "It's not like I haven't seen you naked."
"Right," I slowly strip off my winter layers to replace them with an essential little black dress, all the while begging that he doesn't notice something different. He walks towards me, and that's it. He knows.
"You look beautiful." He smiles. He doesn't know, but I wish he did.
"Thank you." I bow my head, undeserving. I walk out of the room to fetch his keys; when he sees me return, he shakes his head.
"I hope you don't mind, but we're walking."
"That's fine." He smirks as he finishes tying his tie. He's so perfect. You're going to ruin him.
"Off we go then?" I nod quickly and loop my arm through his.
–x–
"Anita Muller, would you do me the honor of being my wife?" Albert asks hopefully on one knee, and everyone is watching. My hand naturally covers my mouth, holding back the explanations and reasons to say no. Why? You're going to kill him. You already fucked up.
"Albert, I – wow – of course, I would love to." The words just fell from my mouth. Everyone claps, and Albert slides the ring onto my finger. The ring is beautiful, encrusted with the beautiful stone that resembles his eyes. Don't leave him. On our way out the host gifts us with their signature cake, and with the icy wind, Albert places his coat over my shoulders. "Thank you." He wraps his arm around my waist, holding the cake with his other hand.
"Tonight has gone well."
"I couldn't imagine anything better." Of course I could. I would do anything for this to be different.
–x–
Albert is sleeping, and I can't sleep. I walk into the bathroom and sit on the toilet lid. Everything about me is wrong, and it always will be. I should tell him, but I can't bring myself to do it. Why did he have to be the one to make everything so hard…? I hold my head in my hands and let my eyes tread on the tears.
–x–
My days with Albert are numbered. The ring on my finger is a constant reminder of all of the damage I'm about to do. Such a beautiful accessory, I surely don't deserve it. I have five days left with him. Five stupid days. I should tell him about Spencer and about Birkin…but what's the point? I can only hurt him at this point. His hand rests on my waist. I will myself to make a move, turning around to face him, planting a kiss on his lips. He doesn't refuse me of what I want; he never has. I pull him on top of me.
"Anita…" He whispers as he cups my face in his hand. "I love you."
"I love you too. Don't ever forget that." I mean it. I really wish he knew what was coming, so he could take notes and be prepared.
"How could I?" It's easier than you think.
"It happens…" He frowns at my response.
"Nothing could alter my affection for you." And I honestly believe him. My heart is painful.
It's not that sex is the only way that we can be together, even if that is how we started. I just want to remember his everything. I want to feel his raw emotions, or maybe I just want to feel desirable. I'm desperate I know.
I watch him sleep. He's always been perfect, and I may be the only spot on his record. I will always cherish these memories that I've made with him. Birkin's wedding was a beautiful event, and Albert looked dashing in his tuxedo. I often find myself asking what Elizabeth would do for him, but I already know that she would have stayed. She was not a coward. Axel is wrong; I ruin everything I touch. Before I know it, I'm wiping my eyes.
That night repeated for the next four days…
–x–
I have been feeling a bit off for the past week, but I originally wrote that off as my anxiety about leaving. I fill out the paperwork – it's extremely thorough – and wait to be seen by who I hope is a female doctor. I bite my lip as I wait. I don't really know what I want the results to be. I should be happy, but why? I'm leaving him. Would he be happy? Should I even tell him?
It wasn't his, so I could not keep it. I could not shake the fact that it was Birkin's, and I cannot allow that to exist. I am awful. I deserve nothing.
–x–
Waking up to an empty bed is awful, and today of all days makes it feel unfair. There's a note on Albert's pillow.
'Anita,
'Despite all the hardships I put you through, I can always count on you. You are the only constant in my life at the moment, and you're all I ever needed. You're like a sky full of stars.
'Albert'
There's a knock on the door, and I already know who it is. Before I can open the door, it swings open, allowing Spencer into the room. I stare at the man. What will I say? I want to stay with Albert that is clear, so that's what I will do.
"Well, Ms. Muller, let's get packing, shall we?" He walks towards the bedroom.
"What if I refuse to leave?" I ask from the living room. He pokes his head out of the bedroom.
"Oh, you don't have a choice. I'm just going to take you – Albert's favorite play thing – away for good. It sounds more effective. Come over here and pack." I slowly approach the room. He has supplied a suitcase, passport, and ticket. "Besides, I've already wasted enough money on you for you to refuse."
"Well, may I leave a note?" I ask cautiously. He nods carelessly. I grab a pen and paper and begin to write a quick letter.
'Dear Albert,
'This may not seem to go along with what I've told you for the past ten years, but my absence in no way represents my affections for you.
'I'm sorry, and I love you.
'Love,
'Anita'
Whether he believes it is on him or not, I'll never know. Spencer and his men whisk me out of the apartment into their ominous black cars that head straight for the airport. Spencer stares at me with pursed lips. He flicks a piece of paper at me, and upon opening the paper, I realize that it's my letter to Albert.
"I made a few changes in my edition of your letter." He scoffs. "Less personal, meaning it's better."
"Why?" I stare at him.
"You, my dear, are a distraction. He filed a transfer out of his department because of you. He's considering finding a normal career because of you. You are the reason he does anything, so if I take you away, he will fall back onto me. Everything returns to how it should be."
"So, you're like everyone else. You believe I should have left well enough alone and walked away." He nods. "So was Birkin your test?"
"What do you mean?" He tilts his head in peaked interest.
"When Birkin took advantage of me, was that because you told him to? Since you seem to be running things, I would assume so." My voice grows angrier.
"Took advantage of you? I don't recall anything to do with that. But do tell."
"Never mind." I stare out the window.
"You started, and now, you must finish."
"Birkin raped me." I said it. Those three words should have been said weeks ago. Spencer begins to laugh, making me feel sick.
"I didn't think William – dear young William – had it in him. And to think, what would Wesker do to him if he were to find out?" He chuckles a bit more. "Perhaps you should have stayed around, dear; you seem to have stirred things up quite a bit. How mad Wesker would go…"
"I get it; we weren't supposed to meet. I never belonged. Why does everyone have to remind me?!"
"You misunderstand me, dear; I love that Wesker has brought you here because you give me something else to control in his life, something to take away. With Wesker, it's all about having the upper hand. He's a brilliant man that will go far, but to keep him working for me, I must have leverage. You wouldn't understand…But then again, what exactly did you understand, if anything at all."
–x–
When all was said and done, I ended up on Axel's doorstep. He took me in without question. At night, I can hear him rationalizing with Kai what happened between Albert and me. I stole one of Albert's shirts when I left, and it smelled like him for a few days. But now, it just smells like my own desperation. Days turn to weeks, and I have accepted my misery.
Tonight is different. I am woken late in the night by Axel yelling at someone. I sneak out of my room and tiptoe around the house until I can see Axel at the front door. Someone else stands outside. I hope they cannot see me.
"Haven't you done enough?!" Axel hisses at the other person. "Giving her false hope and turning her away after what?! Ten years?!" Ten years…No…It couldn't be…
"I cannot explain, but I must see her." That voice…Please, no…
"There must be something missing in between your ears, buddy!" I find myself sneaking down the stairs, until the person outside the house is within full view. He looks perfect as always.
"Anita?" A weak smile pulls at his face. Axel turns on a dime; shock pales his entire face.
"Anita, go back to bed. I'm dealing with this now." Axel states with a stern, father-like tone. Something about Albert draws me to him. I find myself walking towards him until my hand is cupping his face. "Anita." Axel commands.
"I have missed you." Albert's hand rests atop mine.
"I'm sorry; I have wronged you so –" He shakes his head, cutting off my excuse.
"It does not matter." He smiles.
–x–
Albert comes once a month. Axel hates him.
"Why do you excuse him?" Axel asks as he slams a plate down in front of me.
"He has done nothing wrong. I am the one that ran away." I stare at the grain of the wooden table. My brother is intimidating, but I cannot let him win this so easily.
"You don't even know…Have you looked at the man's hand?" He's desperate. He wants his point to be known.
"What about his hand?" Now, he's just being unreasonable.
"He's wearing a wedding band. He's just another douche who's using you. Please don't let him do this to you."
"You're lying." Married? No. Albert wouldn't. No. No. No. Maybe.
"Anita, I'm sorry, but I'm telling you th–"
"You're a fucking liar!" No. He wouldn't. Please, God, do not make this true.
"Check his hand." Axel shakes his head as he walks away. I can't breathe. I don't want to. I want to crawl out of my own skin.
Hours pass, I know Albert is coming today. He always comes on the first Friday of every month. He knocks with his signature knock as always. I open the door before Axel can berate him. I pull him towards my room; I want him to tell me this is all just a misunderstanding. I want him to kiss me and make nothing else matter. He reaches for me, but I stop him. I force myself to look upon his left hand, and everything falls apart. His ring finger sports a golden wedding band.
"You're married…" I choke on my own breath.
"Oh this?" He points at the band. "It is nothing serious."
"Nothing serious? Is that what you would have said to other girls? Would you go behind my back too?" My mind races. He loves me. He promised. He knows how much it hurts. But he doesn't. You left him. You have no right. A laugh projects from my mouth. "I was your mistress. You could only love me like they do. I'm a secret, dirty, vile. I should never see the light of day."
"Anita, you misunderstand what I mean." He pleads.
"No. Albert Wesker, you misunderstand me. You are toxic. You had me convinced that I was something, and then, you threw me back. I'm just some fuck to you."
"Anita," he caresses my cheek; his wedding band burns my skin. "You mean the world to me."
"Save it for your wife." I stare him in the eyes.
"I do not love her."
"Then why'd you marry her?" He opens his mouth. "Get out."
–x–
"Congratulations, you're already one month along!"