Chapter 10

Waking up without Sylvie felt a little strange to Alex it wasn't often her bed was half empty, but she didn't mind it too much today. Although, there may have been a subtle wish for Pipers warm physique to be draped across her sheets, but she knew it was an impossible thought. Laying on her back, staring at the ceiling she couldn't stop herself. All she could think about was Piper, the way she smelt, her body so soft as her lips traced the surface of her flawless skin – she was entangled in Alex's mind and there was no getting her out.

"Piper – I mean, what did I do so bad?" Larry entered Pipers bedroom with his hand grasping the back of his neck.

"What are you on about?" Piper sighed. Her back turned to Larry as she lay in bed facing the window, she didn't care much to look at him right now. Not with the thought of Alex's slender frame in mind.

"Leaving me on the bathroom floor last night, I mean I know I was throwing my guts up but you coulda helped" Larry sat sheepishly on the edge of the bed, stretching his arm out he placed his hand on Pipers leg, causing her to jolt forward away from his touch. "What's up with you? Have I really pissed you off that much?" Larry's voice remorseful, confused.

Piper lay in silence, she knew she should answer, reassure him – she wanted to say the words "No Lar, you've done nothing" but she couldn't. She knew deep down she was the one who had done something. She knew she'd been unfathomably unfair, whilst her long-term boyfriend was asleep on the cold bathroom floor, she lay in bed head fucking some tall brunette she'd met just days before.

"I'm sorry Piper, I haven't wanted to let you down or upset you. I'll go put some coffee on, get out your hair" Larry left the room, relieving Piper of the awkward atmosphere. Piper's heart was so heavy, she knew she was wrong, she knew what was happening was completely, unquestionably, wrong. But she couldn't stop it, she couldn't help it, she couldn't, not think about Alex Vause. Her eyes fixed on the building across the street, as she stared out her window, stuck in a daze. Piper just lay there quiet, still and confused.

"Who the fuck is that, at this time" Alex muttered as she got out of bed to answer the door.

"Sorry if I woke you Vause, got a bit of a situation" The voice was familiar and the face even more so. As Nicky pushed past Alex, letting herself into her apartment she carried on – "you see I've really fucked up, I've been clean for at least a year now and last night well let's just say I'm not clean anymore. I don't know what I was thinking to be honest. I mean one minute I was fine I was having a few drinks and then –

"Nichols, chill. Let me put some coffee on and then we'll talk take your jacket off and make yourself at home" Alex made her way to the kitchen, turning on the coffee machine she filled the filter and sat next to Nicky on the couch. "So, what's happened then?" Alex looked at Nicky who by this point had her combat boots resting on the coffee table, a fag in one hand and the other running vigorously through her ginger hair.

"Honestly Vause, I don't fucking know. One minute me and this chick are getting off and the next she's slipped a pill in my mouth" She was getting more, and, more, angry. Her hand getting firmer and tightening as she started to grab at her hair, tears forming in her eyes "I've tried so fucking hard, so fucking hard to stay clean and some, one, just one stupid mistake" –

The tears were streaming down her face, her voice becoming indistinguishable as she carried on speaking. Alex took her hand and wrapped it around Nicky's she pulled her in and held her against her chest. "Nicky it's going to be okay. You know the drugs were a mistake. You know you didn't want to do it. And you know, you don't want to get hooked or live like that again. Fuck that stupid whore, she's not worth one of your tears and neither are the drugs. You're a strong woman Nichols, and one stupid mistake or should I say accident doesn't change that, not in the slightest." As Alex turned to face Nicky, Nicky looked up her, her eyes lost like a child in a supermarket.

"I just don't want to let anyone down Vause, I don't want to be the person I was on that shit. It wasn't me and that shit scares me" Alex wiped Nicky's tears from her eyes, and took her face in her hands

"You Nicky Nichols are the furthest from letting anyone down. You are one hell of a woman and don't ever fucking forget that. On that note let me grab some coffee, and then I need a fucking cigarette"

Alex got up from the couch, looking back at Nicky who now seemed a little more at ease with herself. She'd never been one for friends, she was more known to have acquaintances and even so then they were more work associates. The kind that she didn't know or want to know anymore. But, Nicky could be a friend a good one at that.

"Polly I'm so fucked" Piper had now entered panic mode. "How, how have I let this happen?"

"Piper! Just chill the fuck out for a second. You're stressing me out and I don't even know what about" Polly sounded nearly as stressed as Piper on the phone. "So, run me through what happened last night?"

"I can't. Not on the phone, I need to come over. Are you busy?" Piper was already up and heading to the bathroom to run a bath.

"I'm heading home from the store now, should we say an hour at my place?"

"PERFECT!" Piper hung up the phone, sliding into the warm bath, the water submerging her body up to her neck. She leant her head back against the cold tub and took a deep breath. The bath didn't last long before Larry came in, he handed Piper a coffee and kissed her on the head.

"Listen Piper, I just want to say sorry again for getting so drunk last night"

"Larry stop, you've got nothing to apologise for!" and she was right he didn't. He was the nicest guy she'd probably ever met, he made her feel valued and happy and loved. But, that wasn't enough anymore there was something missing and she wasn't content. "I just need some time, some space for a while. I need to figure some stuff out and putting you through it isn't fair because it's not on you, this is on me"

Piper handed back the coffee grabbed her towel and stepped out the bath. "I love you Larry, you know that. I just don't know if that's enough anymore. But it might be, and it's not fair to keep you holding on to that whilst I'm figuring it out"

"But I want to hold on Pipes, I want to be here waiting when you figure it all out" Larry looked lost, his face full of despair.

"But what if I don't choose us, what if I decide this isn't enough Lar. I can't have you waiting around on me for an outcome that might not even happen" Piper walked out of the bathroom, holding her towel firmly around her soaked body. Almost as though Larry didn't deserve the privilege of seeing her naked torso anymore. "I'm going to Pols for the afternoon so if you could, I'd like you to be gone before I'm home tonight. Larry you've done nothing I promise. I just need more, and I don't know what more is right now, that's what I need to figure out". Throwing on her striped pant trousers and white t-shirt she tied her damp blonde locks, slipped on her shoes, and placed a kiss on Larry's cheek. "We'll speak soon" and with that she was gone leaving Larry standing alone and lost in her apartment.

Walking away from the apartment, she had an awful serge of guilt weighing down her heart. Larry was good, and honest he was true and everything, he just wasn't her everything.

Alex was still there in the back of her mind. The thought of her eyes, her lips, her scent causing a rush, the sort of rush that makes you lightheaded. She needed Polly's advice and a large bottle of wine, and she needed it quick.