APOLOGIES ON BEHALF OF THE NOVAK FAMILY, REALLY
I'm super sorry that everyone has gotten mixed up in our feuds and drama. Ignore my brother, Lucifer. He's just in a bad place right now.
Also for a relatively non-LGBTQA+ community, I sure feel like the only straight guy in town. Seriously Castiel, the only person who cares about your boyfriend being Dean Winchester is Dean Winchester.
Don't take Lucifer's words to heart, Balthazar. Please. No more fighting.
Anna…
Gabriel, what are you up to? Didn't you say that you have a date with that kid? What's his name…Simon? Samuel? Whatever. Just stop taking over this newspaper column. It's been about three times already. I see you enough at home.
Umm…stay in school. Don't do drugs. Silence is golden. Use protection…
I'm not good at this.
Where's Your Twin When You Need Them,
My Brother's Keeper
My Darling Keeper,
You're right, I shouldn't take Luci's words to heart. I SHOULD TAKE THEM TO MY FISTS.
And sure, no more fighting.
Let's Start a Riot,
Master Thief
Balthazar,
I'm going to make this as brief and vague as possible since this is open to the public eye: It's not your fault. You couldn't have prevented it and honestly no one would've wanted you to. You are loved, Balthy. You have a big family that will always be there for you no matter what you do and that includes Lucifer. It may not look like it right now, but I think he cares the most out of all of us. He's just going through a rough patch. Trust me, I'm the person who knows the most about him without actually being him. He's been there to support you in the past, right? Well now he needs us.
Give Him Some Space,
My Brother's Keeper
Finders Keepers,
If you have something to tell me, I'll be in my room.
Seriously,
M. I. Girl
Anna,
I'll take that into consideration, specifically in the next five minutes. Prepare to minimize any embarrassing websites you have on your computer.
We Don't Want it to Be Like The Last Time,
My Brother's Keeper
Little Bro Keeps,
What do you do when you actually really like someone for their personality before noticing their physical appearance or any sexual attraction between the two of you?
Answer Please,
Naughty Babysitter
Meg,
You date them, or at least give them a chance. Take it slow. Get to know each other.
Though that could be the reason why there aren't any significant ladies in my life… that or the fact that I'm just not interested. I haven't had a squish, crush, or whatever you call it in forever.
TMI Right,
My Brother's Keeper
P.S. - You could also try not sexing up the poor guy in the newspaper. Seriously, Cas? To make this short: Do you need glasses? No offense but he has to be the skinniest nerd I know, to use the term loosely. The only reason you could classify him as a nerd is because he jumped a grade, but even with that information, what kind of nerd hasn't seen Star Wars or Star Trek or both? Not this guy, that's for sure. And that holy stuff you kept going on about? You're going to need someone to hold you down for all those exorcisms you seem dying to have, which requires someone with upper body strength. Which Castiel Novak does not have. At all. Just saying. Just making that clear for you. *
*All insults made against the Novak family in this week's Ask Abby column have no association with Michael Novak. What happens in the Ask Abby column, stays at least 100 yards away from Michael Novak. Thank you for your consideration and lack of fists aimed at Michael Novak.
Keeper,
I'm sorry for what I said about your brother. Gabriel is an okay guy, it's just that I kind of want to stuff him in the trunk of my Dad's SUV and drive him off a cliff y'know? No hard feelings, right buddy?
Nothing Personal,
Devil's BFF
Hey Dick,
I'm sorry for any negative comment that I didn't make about you before. You're a mediocre guy, it's just that I really want to shove your head into the flat parking lot otherwise known as your ass and drive it into your esophagus, y'know? But no hard feelings, right pal? :)
Totally Not Personal,
My Brother's Keeper
My Bro's Keeper,
The sass levels of the Novak family are off the charts! By the way, did I ever mention that the Valentine's cupcake plan didn't really pan out like I thought it would? The cupcake was for Gilda, but it turned out that she was on some special diet. That and she just didn't feel the same way I did. She doesn't care about gender, but she tends to lean towards guys instead of girls. Oh well, her loss, right? Anyway after that rejection, I found out that Jo loves red velvet cupcakes and she's a big fan of Star Trek! (It's not Star Wars, but nobody is perfect). I think something might blossom between us. That, or I'll just have a new friend—she rocks. So what do you think? Should I make a move in the semester to come?
I'm Walking On Sunshine,
Queen of the WWW
Charlie,
In the words of—I shit you not—Ed Zeddmore in the boy's locker room, "Gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day." Do with that what you will.
Comedy Gold,
My Brother's Keeper
Mr. Keeper,
How do you know the identity of every person on this advice column?
Curious,
Nicely Asking
N.A.,
Well Garth, I'd say half of the people writing in this column are related to me in some way. The other half consists of friends of friends. All of the others are obvious or lucky guesses.
I've Always Wanted to be a Detective,
My Brother's Keeper
P.S. – 1. You're the most civilized person here. 2. You only ever ask questions because you're the only one who seems to remember that this is an advice column. 3. I don't know if you've noticed or it's an unconscious thing, but whenever you ask someone a question, you always tell them that you're asking nicely. I don't know man, "Garth" just seemed like the only answer.
Bro Keeper,
Please don't be such a dick and just listen to me: Something bad is going to happen. I don't know when or where or to who, but I feel like it's going to be soon. From the climate of these visions, I can pinpoint the location to be somewhere in the area, specifically with a lot of trees, like a forest. I feel so helpless about this and I know it's real but no one will listen to me. It's frustrating. This could be life or death, man. Just...spread the word, alright?
Freaking the Hell Out as Usual,
S.S. Final Destination
Kevin,
I've heard a lot about you and this delusion you seem to be obsessed with. I honestly feel sorry for you, so as a form of respect to your obvious drug use and possible mental breakdown, I will indeed spread the word. Your concern for the safety of others is at least admirable.
Get Better,
My Brother's Keeper
P.S. - Sixth Sense Final Destination? Is that your username?
P.S.S.- And because I'm "such a dick," here are the faces behind the dumb usernames I've seen on here and haven't yet revealed. At least, the ones I recognize and know won't kill me if I do this:
The Little Angel That Could- Castiel
Snickers- Gabriel
Master Thief- Balthazar
Devil May Care- Lucifer
Sympathy for the Devil- also Luci
Mission Impossible Girl (really?) - Anna
Writer's Block- Chuck
Trucker Cap Yoda- Mr. Singer
Daddy's Little Girl- Jo
Dr. Badass (I personally would've called you Tech Support)- Ash
Cas' One Night Stand (Ew. Change your name. You dated him for like a day)- April
Desperate Fangirl- Becky
Edward Beats Jacob- That new guy on the football team, am I right? I don't do sports or school spirit, sooo….
Ghostfacers (just...why?)- Ed and Harry
Brainy Blonde Bombshell – Freshman. Blonde. Who knows?
Hell Sunshine (what is up with all of the satanic names? I mean I understand where Lucifer's coming from but this is overkill) – Alastair
Girl Next Door- ? I could've sworn it was Lisa, but that's been debunked.
I feel like I'm forgetting someone, but that's all I've got. Ciao for now, fellow school prisoners.
BE CAREFUL. DON'T DIE.*
*Minho, "The Maze Runner"
Author's note: The person he forgot was Devil's BFF (Adam). He was just calling him a dick, not referring to Dick Roman.
Also Brainy Blonde Bombshell = Jess and Edward Beats Jacob = Benny.
As you can see he also intentionally left out the Winchesters. More reveals to come. :)