Chapter 10
Simon
I get home from work to find Penny and Baz sitting at the kitchen table. They're talking quietly but they stop when they see me. Baz gets up and walks over to me before I even make it in the door and he kisses me. Usually he waits until I've shut the door at least but I'm not complaining, I never complain about being kissed by Baz. I kiss him back and go to put my arms around his neck but he pulls away.
"How was your final exam?" He asks. He's always asking about my subjects.
"Good."
"And work?"
"Normal" I say. "What are you doing?"
"We need to talk." Penny says, getting up from the table and moving to the couch. "Sit down Simon." She says, pointing to the seat opposite her "Please?" she adds.
I look at Baz and he gives me a small nod. I frown at the request but I let him lead me to the couch, keeping his hand in mine as we sit. I look at Penny and then Baz and it's clear they have something to say and that they planned this. "What?" I ask.
Penny takes a breath and is about to start talking but Baz cuts her off. "Simon," he says quietly, rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand. "We're worried about you."
"Worried about what Baz? There's nothing–" I start but he cuts me off.
"Simon." He says quietly as ever, "Since you found out about the Mage's Will, you've been a little . . . distracted."
"No I haven't–" I say, louder this time. I look between the two of them. "What is this?"
He keeps talking quietly, his eyes never leaving mine. "Simon you have. You've been pushing yourself too hard, running, studying, working . . . socialising." He winces as he says the last one but he goes on. "Bunce and I think you're avoiding thinking about the Will."
"What?" I yell. I don't mean to yell but I truly wasn't expecting that. "That's not true!" I stand up and Baz stands with me, still holding my hand. Penny stands too. I shake my head and begin to deny it again but he cuts me off again.
"Simon, it's okay. We've all avoided dealing with this–"
"Well you two have." Penny cuts in. "I've tried to talk to both of you."
"Really Bunce, I hardly think this is the time." He sighs, then he looks back to me "But–"
"But what Baz?" I growl through clenched teeth. I'm trying not to get mad now but I can feel my tail slashing around behind me. I don't want to talk about this. "What is this? Is this a fucking intervention?"
"It's not an intervention Simon." Baz says calmly.
"But . . ." Penny continues softly, "We think we have a solution to help . . . deal with it."
"There's nothing to deal with Penny! Christ!" I let go of Baz's hand and throw my arms in the air and step back from both of them. I'm really yelling now.
"Simon." It's Baz again and he reaches for my hand again but I don't let him. He drops his hand when he realises I'm not going to take it and I can see that I've hurt him. I think about reaching for his hand again but then he starts talking again. "We think we should visit the cottage, to take a look around." He says quickly.
I'm so fucking stunned that I just stand there, staring back at Baz. He's still watching me, and he has a look of concern on his face. I turn to look at Penny and she has the exact same look on her face but I don't back down. I don't like feeling cornered. I start shaking my head from side to side and my tail is thrashing around.
"No!" I yell at them. "What's wrong with you two? Are you mad?" I'm still shaking my head and I start raking my fingers through my hair frantically.
"Simon." It's Penny now. "We think it's the only way to resolve this for you. If we could just go there and take a look and see what's there, if there's anything at all. Maybe it will help–" she's talking fast but I stop her.
"No. That's never going to happen."
"But Simon–".
"No!" I say louder. Then I walk to the door and out of the apartment.
Penny
Baz is already heading towards the door. His hand is hovering over the handle when he turns back to look at me. I start shaking my head from side to side, and I keep shaking my head until he drops his hand.
"Just give him some time Baz." I sigh.
"We've already done that and look where that's got him." He snaps. And I'm about to argue the point; that I've tried to talk to both of them and that they have both been stubbornly ignoring me, but by the look on his face I think he'll might bite me or set something on fire. So I just sigh again. Baz moves back to the couch and drops himself onto it. He's quietly rubs his forehead with his long fingers. We sit together in silence.
Eventually Baz pulls out his wand and lights a fire in the palm of his hand. Not in it, above it, but it still scares the shit out of me. "Please stop Baz." I say. "You are flammable." I mean, he's brilliant with fire, all of the Pitches are, but he's a vampire for snake's sake, and vampires are extremely flammable!
He's twisting the fire expertly through his fingers, and it looks like a ribbon, or a snake. I'm getting more and more nervous, bouncing my knee while I watch the fire. It would only take one wrong move, one slip . . . I get up and fill a glass of water, just in case.
Then Baz waves the fire away abruptly and get up and leaves without saying a word.
Simon
I have a pint in my hand but I don't feel like drinking it. I came straight to the pub where everyone is celebrating the end of term. I wasn't planning to come here at all but Baz and Penny pushed and pushed until I had to leave and this was the only place I could think of.
It's rowdy in here. My classmates have been here a while so they're properly plastered. They're laughing and yelling and some are dancing even though there's no dance floor to speak of. I try to catch up – so I can be as plastered as them, but I can't stand the taste of the beer. Merlin, I don't even think I like beer, I can't even get though one.
I lean on the bar and stare, not really seeing anything.
The music changes and they must be sick of dancing because a few of them round on me when they spot me alone, they start asking me where I've been all afternoon.
"Work."
They're talking about where they're going during the summer. I hear the continent, visiting family, staying here, but I'm not really interested.
Olivia rounds on me next. "What are you doing over the summer Si?" I think she's pissed. My teeth grate at my name.
"Nothing." I don't feel like talking.
"Not going away?"
"No."
"Do you want to come to a do tonight?"
"No."
"Oh come on, it'll be fun. It's Finn's birthday" She goes on, oblivious to my indifference. Tom or Thomas and Emily join us now, standing closer than I feel comfortable with.
"I don't know who that is." I say, not interested.
"So?" It's Emily this time. She's swaying a little, just as gone.
"No."
"Where's that hot boyfriend of yours?" Tom-Thomas says loudly. He sounds like a prat and I try to ignore him but he's in my face, insistent.
"None of your business."
"Aw, c'mon, don't be like that Si." He smirks, leaning in close. "Is he coming to spoil our fun again?"
"Are you all right?" Olivia asks then. She's frowning a little, but it could just be the piss.
"I'm fine." I growl.
"Did you break up?" Emily asks, eyes wide, like she's all eager that I'm about to spill some gossip with her.
"What? No." I say, but she's not listening, she's just grinning at me. And swaying. I'm feeling right pissed off now.
Tom Thomas grabs my hand. "No great loss Si." He whispers loudly into my ear. "We'll have more fun without him."
"Fuck off!" I growl, and I'm so disgusted that I push him away from me and then I have to grab my tail before it wraps itself around his neck and strangles him. I look around the pub and I have no idea why I'm even here with these people that I don't know all that well and I'm not sure I even like. Apart from doing the same subjects I can't think of one thing I have in common with any of them. Instead I think of Baz and Penny, who are the closest thing I have to family, who I treated like rubbish and walked out on when all they were trying to do was help me. I'm such an idiot.
"My name's Simon." I say to no one in particular as I put the pint down hard on the bar. I walk out of the bar without saying goodbye, and as soon as I'm outside I start running. I turn the nearest corner and break out into a sprint, then I take off and I'm flying.
I fly straight home and look for Baz's car but it's gone. I race in but Penny's not there either and then I remember that she was going to have dinner with her parents so I leave and fly to Baz's flat. I land in the ally next to his block with a bit of a thud, because I'm in a bit of a hurry, and I race up the stairs breathing hard. I'm just about to unlock the door when I stop. I think I should knock instead, it doesn't feel right to barge in when I was such a shit to them, to him. So I knock and wait. No one answers. I pace a bit in front of his door.
I knock again and again but I know he's not there. I stop knocking and lean forward until my head is on the door, my fist still raised. I close my eyes. "Baz." I whisper.
I know he's not home but I stay anyway. I turn around and lean on the door and slide down to the ground, pulling my knees up into me. I drop my head in my hands and think about everything they said and everything I said back. And I think about all the things I've avoided thinking about over the last six months. I started making a list in my head back when this all started, of what not to think about. I thought I could keep myself so busy I wouldn't have time to think about the Mage and the Will and the cottage and the money. I realise now that's all I have been thinking about.
And I haven't fooled either one of them.
I must have been sitting here by the door for a long time because my legs have gone stiff. I stretch them out one at a time, shaking out the stiffness and then pull them back in. I'm not angry anymore. Now all I feel is guilt. Guilt for yelling at them and for how I treated them over the last few months.
I don't know how long I've been sitting here.
There's a shadow in front of me and I look up. It's Baz, and I've never been so happy to see him. He has something in his hands– I think it's a pie. He kneels down in front of me and puts the pie down next to him. I take a look, It looks like a cottage pie.
"Hi." I say.
"Hi." He answers.
"I'm an idiot." I tell him.
"No you're not." Baz says straight back. He's staring at me fixedly, piercing me with his steely grey eyes.
"Yes I am. I'm sorry Baz."
"Simon, it's all right."
"No it isn't. I'm sorry I yelled at you, and Penny." I look at him and shake my head. "I'm sorry I've been avoiding both of you these last few months."
"Simon–"
"I've been horrible to you both."
"No you haven't." Baz says and he sounds like he means it. Christ, I don't deserve him, he's so patient and I'm such a shit.
"I haven't even asked about your exams." I go on. It's as if I need to prove exactly what a shit I've been to them.
"They were fine." He answers offhandedly.
"Or Penny's."
"I'm sure they were fine too."
"That's not the point."
"Simon–" He stops me again.
"I went to the pub again." I tell him. He starts to say something again but this time I cut him off. I need to say this. I need to tell him what's going through my head. "I don't know why I've wasted so much time with those tossers. I don't know them and they don't know me, they don't know anything about me. And that bloke, Tom or Thomas or whatever, I think he tried to hit on me–"
"I knew I should have ripped his throat out that night I met him." Baz says through his teeth, his shoulders tense.
"You knew?"
"It was obvious." He says. His tone is guarded.
"It was?"
"I'm dead, not blind Snow."
I chose to ignore that last comment, for now. "I didn't realise." I tell him truthfully. I'm such a twit sometimes. How could I not realise?
"I know." He sighs. "You're remarkably unobservant sometimes."
I ignore that last comment too. "I told him to fuck off."
Baz raises his eyebrow. "Your standard response?
"When I don't know what else to do." I say quietly, smiling a little. I feel my shoulders starting to relax. "Are you mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad at you?" He demands.
"Because I'm such a terrible boyfriend!"
"You're not a terrible boyfriend."
I start nodding. "Yes I am." I tell him. "I'm the worst."
"You're the best." He says unflinching.
He's staring straight at me, pinning me with his eyes again. I search his eyes for any doubt but I can't see anything but truth.
"Why aren't you even mad at me Baz?" I ask again.
"Because I love you Simon." He says matter of fact, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
I really look at Baz this time, and he's staring back at me with nothing but honesty and his face is so open that I have to believe him. "I love you too Baz. I love you so fucking much."
He smiles. "Eloquent as always." He murmurs. I give a little shrug.
"And you're not dead Baz." I add.
"That's a matter of opinion." He shrugs as he stands and offers me his hand. I take it and he pulls me up and laces his fingers through mine as he pulls me in close to him. He steps closer and presses his forehead to mine. He brushes his thumb across my cheek. It feels good.
"You're right." I say. "About everything. I have been avoiding it." He knows I'm talking about the Will now. "And I've done a shit job at it because it's been on my mind the whole time." I sigh and shake my head. "I don't want to, but I think we need to go there. Sometime. If you want . . ."
"All right." He says. "We can talk to Bunce tomorrow." Then he leads me inside, stooping to pick up the pie on the way in.
Baz
"I'm going to have a shower." Simon says as he leaves the table. "Thanks Baz." He says, acknowledging dinner.
We end up driving back to Simon's flat. He wants to be home to see Bunce when she returns. I clear up with magic and then sit heavily on the couch. I'm tired and I need to clean off.
When Simon walked out I wanted to follow him, I nearly did follow him, but Bunce insisted we give him time. It's a concept I struggle with because all of my instincts tell me to grab him and hold him tight and protect him from every damn bastard thing that could hurt him.
As I sat with Bunce watching the minutes tick off, I brought fire with my wand, winding it between my fingers. Bunce was nervous but there's no need to be, I come from a long line of fire magicians and I'm brilliant with fire, as long as I don't get too close.
I counted off the beats of my heart until they reached one hundred, it takes a while because my heart hardly beats at all. And then I left.
I drove straight to Oxford where I hunted mindlessly, excessively, trying to clear my head. I didn't tell Simon that. I don't know how he would react to the devastation I left in the forest.
All of this is entirely my fault. I've sat back and watched Simon drive himself to distraction (and near exhaustion) over the last few months and I did nothing to stop him or help him. I've been reluctant to confront him in case he retreated even further from me. I've even been a part of that distraction I'm ashamed to say. I did nothing.
I picked up a cottage pie that our cook left for me. She actually leaves them for Simon, the pies. I sometimes think the staff like Simon more than they like my family.
I can't say how relieved I was to find him at my door. I was so afraid that I'd lost him, that I pushed him too far tonight. I've been living a charmed life since Simon Snow kissed me in the forest that night and I know that every moment with Simon is a gift. That's why, with everything that Simon has been through lately, I thought that it's only a matter of time before he's had enough. But that hasn't happened tonight and I'm so relieved I can hardly think straight.
Simon is out of the shower now and dressed, waiting on the couch next to me when Bunce comes in. I managed to get some blood on my shirt when I was hunting, which is unusual. I spelled it away before I drove back but I still need to shower. I get up and go into the bathroom to clean off and to give them some time alone.
Penny
"Penny?" Simon says quietly as I enter our flat.
"Yes Simon?" I put my handbag on the table.
He stands from the couch and walks over to me, reaching out with one hand. "I'm sorry Pen." He says. I smile and walk over to him and take his hand. He seems to have calmed down. He pulls me down onto the couch next to him. "You and Baz were right." He goes on. "I said to Baz that I think we should go there . . . one day."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. I have been avoiding it. But the Will, and the stuff, it's all I've been thinking about really." He says, and then he lets out a sigh. "I'm sorry I've been such a prat."
"You haven't."
"I have Pen and you know it. I haven't even asked how your exams went."
"They went okay thanks." But he frowns at me then, not believing. "Okay, better than okay, I aced them." I smile.
"And I haven't asked you how Micah is for ages." He goes on.
"He's good."
"And whether you want me to take you to the airport next week?"
"I'm not sure if I should still go." I say, thinking aloud. "I mean, if we're going to the cottage–"
"No way Penny!" He interrupts. "You're going to America. We'll go when you get back." He insists, shaking my arm with his hand.
"But-" I start to argue.
"But nothing. You didn't go last summer, probably because of me so you're not missing this trip."
That's not entirely true. "I wasn't up to going last summer." I tell him. "And I'd just started working and we'd just moved into the flat, remember? It wasn't all because of you Simon."
"Good." He says, and he's clearly relieved. "You know, you don't need to worry about me all the time Penny. I can take care of myself."
"I like worrying about you Simon." I say and I'm smiling now. "But you're crap at taking care of yourself. Baz will be here I suppose . . ."
He looks at me indignantly. "Penny, I can take care of myself." He huffs.
I snort out a laugh and shake my head. "Okay Simon, whatever you say." I can't help sounding just a little incredulous. It's Simon after all.
Baz comes out of the bathroom then, fully dressed and looking impeccable as always. He sits on the couch next to Simon. Simon immediately takes his hand and I'm glad to see everything is okay with them. That's the good thing about Simon, he never holds a grudge and they're so in love that it would be impossible for either of them to stay mad at the other anyway.
"Anyway, Baz is going to teach me how to drive while you're away." Simon says cheekily.
I raise my eyebrows and I try not to sound alarmed. "I'm glad it's you and not me." I say to Baz. I think Simon can hear the worry in my voice but he ignores it and grins instead.