Chapter Nine - The View from Beachy Head

"I'm sick of being stuck in here. I'm sick of all the pointless talking, talking, talking and getting nowhere. I'm sick of that bloody woman and her bloody drony voice and that bloody whistle thing that she does..." Jo ranted as she threw herself into a chair across from Ron and Dee in the day room.

"I thought it was just me that whistle thing was getting to." Ron said, glad he wasn't being unreasonable for hating every tooth in Dr Rayner's head that morning.

"I just wanna..." Jo clenched both fists in front of her face and let out a frustrated growl before running her hands through her deep purple hair and growling exactly what she wanted to do to Sarah Jane Rayner, "...get some putty and just plug it up for good."

"So good therapy session then?" Dee asked in his best nonchalant tone of voice.

Jo pressed her lips together as she attempted to suppress her brewing rage and glared at him.

"You're just jealous because I don't have to have those sessions anymore." Dee said as matter-of-factly as he could but failing to disguise his amusement completely, "She obviously thinks you still need it."

Jo was about to explode.

"I mean you really do look stressed Jo-Jo."

Ron looked from Jo to Dee and wondered how he was going to pay for that later. Jo was admirable keeping her rage internal for now but something was going to have to give her a release soon, Ron hoped to be behind something solid when that happened.

"You've charmed her; unimaginable as it is to think you have that ability but you have, you've wriggled your way out of that bloody woman's sessions."

Ron shook his head and Dee looked down to hide the smirk that was spreading across his face from Jo.

"She is a nightmare." Ron said as he went over his own agonizingly irritating session in Dr Rayner's room that morning.

"How does it help?" Jo asked, looking genuinely upset now that Ron really paid attention to her, "How does putting me in this mood for the rest of the day help me?"

Ron touched her foot with his and gave her a small smile, she sighed and he knew she was feeling embarrassed for loosing her rag in front of people.

"I suppose they think it's better for you to feel something rather than not let yourself feel any emotion at all."

The anger left her face but she was still frowning, she looked tired Ron thought,

"But I feel. I'm honest with you all, with the group, I participate. I don't hold back. I showed you my scars for Pete's sake." she slumped back in the armchair, "I'm not in denial."

Dee raised his head at the change in Jo's tone and Ron could tell he didn't like Jo this way at all. Angry he could deal with, haughty he could enjoy, stubborn was downright funny but this Jo was just upsetting. She was beaten, defeated, and that felt wrong. Ron watched as Dee leaned forward and put his hand on her knee and began to rub it up and down soothingly.

"She doesn't like that you don't trust her., you don't and we all know it, and she's pushing you to get you to open up to her. It's her job."

Jo looked at Dee and put her hand to her mouth, toying with the idea of chewing her fingernails Ron had thought.

"I'm not going to talk to someone just because they're paid to give a damn. You guys listen to all my shit and you don't have to. She only puts up with me because it's her job. She wouldn't give a flying fuck otherwise."

Dee pulled her hand away from her face,

"Don't bite your nails."

"I wasn't," she mumbled, "I was just holding them in my teeth."

Ron blurted out an outrageously loud laugh at that. Dee and Jo jumped and stared at him.

"I'm sorry," he said, still in the throes of laughter, "it's not even that funny I just..." he waved his hand and shrugged as he broke into giggles.

He really didn't know why he was laughing so hard. Why he found himself in a good mood right when Jo was on a low. Maybe it was the feeling that he wasn't alone. She understood everything he was going through, the frustration with the therapy sessions, the feeling that he was just a chore to Dr Rayner, the knowledge that she had the same inferiority complex that plagued him from time to time, and the fact that the one thing she couldn't understand Dee could. Dee had lost whole chunks of his past too. Dee made silly mistakes just the same as he did. With these two people he didn't feel quite so alone, quite such a freak, and he was just so overwhelmingly grateful for that.

Jo had broken into a smile as she watched him recover from his giggling fit.

"You should laugh more. You've got a really good laugh."

"Well I'll have to stick around you two a lot more than I already do then eh?" he said, still letting out the odd involuntary chuckle as he spoke.

"Yeah, we should definitely spend more time together, " Dee nodded, "if only I could fit that into my busy schedule of having breakfast with...you two, going to group with um let's see...you two, sitting in the day room with...yes that's right the both of you and then lunch, now who am I doing that with this week?"

"Oh you're funny." Jo said sitting up in her chair and drumming her fingers on the arm of the chair in mock annoyance.

"He really is." Ron nodded as if commenting on a piece of abstract art in a museum.

Dee rose to his feet,

"Well let's do something then, break the routine, let's climb out of our rut."

"I'm only little and it's a very deep rut." Jo said, scrunching up her nose.

Ron got to his feet alongside Dee,

"Don't fret Jo; I'll give you a leg up."

He and Dee offered her one of their hands each and hauled her out of her seat.

"So where are we going then?" Dee asked as he rubbed his hands together.

"Are we allowed to leave?" Ron asked, the thought suddenly occurring to him as the headed for the door.

"This isn't a lunatic asylum Ron!" Jo rolled her eyes, "We're voluntary patients remember?"

"Oh cool." Ron said happily, feeling more normal with every passing second.

"So m'lady," Dee bowed, "where are we headed?"

Jo thought for a moment before her face lightened up in that carefree way Ron and Dee liked to see.

"Well we're at the seaside and I haven't paddled in the sea or made a sandcastle or had an ice cream or any of that seaside stuff. I say we make a start there."

Ron nodded, he couldn't remember the last time he was at the beach, and he did remember beaches. He remembered playing and swimming and laughter and a little girl's excited squeals but nothing very clear.

"Right," Dee declared, "to the beach!"

ooo

Hermione was nervous. She had gone through all the training and the do's and don'ts of empathy and now she was about to go onto the phone lines. She was going to talk to people who needed her. She was going to listen.

Well, eventually she was, right now she was assigned a buddy to listen in on for an hour or so. She was to see how it was done and learn the most common calls they would receive during the daytime. She shook her head, all this training just to listen to somebody seemed ridiculous, since when was listening supposed to be so complicated?

As the phone rang and her buddy took a call from a frantic mother declaring that she hated her baby and would only end up ruining its life anyway Hermione pondered on the one thing that she had been told over and over again, don't get attached to a caller. You can give your first name to a caller and tell them to ask for you when they call back if you find you've gained their trust and you think it will help but you mustn't take a case personally or commit yourself too much.

"What if that caller becomes dependant on you and one day they call and ask for you and you're not there? What if you're on lunch or off sick and they can't speak to anybody else but you? What do you think they would do in that situation?"

The trainer's words echoed through her brain. Don't get emotionally attached. Don't care too much. Listen and don't give personal information. She just wanted to help people. She just wanted to feel worthy of her new life. She just wanted to give all the other lonely people in the country somebody to talk to.

She just wanted somebody to talk to.

Her buddy smiled at her as she adjusted her headset and listened in to the call.

ooo

Ron was churning the sand beneath his bare feet with his toes as he watched Jo and Dee splashing around in the waves. Jo was so much happier now. She had run into the sea as soon as she had been able to pull off her big clumpy boots and socks and the bottoms of her jeans were soaked despite Dee having rolled them up as high as they would go. The ocean seemed to be a form of therapy for her. She was being washed clean of all her insecurities he thought. Maybe he should try it.

As he got to his feet and walked toward them Jo squealed as Dee picked her up and walked deeper.

"No! Dee no!" she tried to sound intimidating but she was too breathless to pull it off.

Ron shook his head and smiled, if Dee did drop her into the water fully clothed he was a dead man, he was definitely a brave man as he ignored her warnings and waded further.

"I'm warning you, if you drop me I will destroy you!" Jo said her eyes wide.

"I won't drop you." Dee laughed.

"I swear Dee, don't even think about it, I'll wear your knackers for earrings I shit you not!" she began to smile but the exhilarating fear was still in her eyes.

"She means it Dee," Ron warned as the first wave lapped over his feet, "I'd watch it if I were you."

Dee turned to face Ron and called back to him,

"What is it with you two? I am not going to drop..." as he said the word drop he jerked as if letting Jo slip out of his arms before straightening up again with a wide grin on his face, "...see?"

Jo was livid,

"You're gonna have to carry me forever now because the second you put me down I'm going to give you such a kicking!"

Ron laughed as Dee feigned terror.

Jo grabbed Dee's chin and directed his amused face back to her, fixing his eyes in her own steel grey stare,

"Seriously Dee, if you drop me you will be carrying your bollocks in a doggy bag from that moment on."

Dee gulped and gripped her tightly.

"I'd say you're pretty safe there Jo." Ron laughed as Dee carefully carried her back to the shallows and set her down.

"I don't know what your problem is, "Dee grumbled, "they're only clothes, you get wet, you dry-off, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that I'm wearing a white t shirt Dee." Jo grinned wickedly, "White t shirt...water...invisible t shirt...are you with me now?"

Dee's eyes lit up,

"Right you're going in!"

Jo screeched as Dee began to chase her around and around Ron as he struggled to maintain his balance.

"Ron, help me!" she pleaded through a fit of giggles.

"Leave him out of it." Dee barked as he changed direction and pursued her in the opposite direction.

"Why am I the defender of your bloody virtue anyway?" Ron scoffed at the passing blur that was Jo, "I have no memory of seeing tits and now would be a good time to get one."

Jo stopped splashing around him and looked at him in shock,

"Oh my God, I forgot you were a man."

"Well thank you." Ron chuckled.

Dee was about to lunge for her when she hopped out of the way and waded back onto the beach and as far from the sea as she could get.

"Spoil sport!" Dee yelled as he and Ron waded out after her.

"If you two want to leer at tits I'll buy you a nudie mag" she teased.

"I'm going to hold you to that." Ron warned as he wagged his finger at her.

The three of them perched up on the sea wall and brushed the sand off of their feet. They had had their ice cream cones and some fresh doughnuts before venturing into the sea and were now wondering what else their seaside escapade had in store for them. Ron looked to Jo, this day had been to cheer her up and she was setting the agenda as far as he was concerned. She and Dee had been his salvation at the Meadows and he liked that he could pay her back with one good day.

"So where to now?" Dee asked her, as if reading Ron's mind, "You want to explore the pier?"

"The pier can be done at night; I want to do something bigger." Jo said he eyes were alight with mischief.

"Bigger?" Ron said apprehensively.

Jo waggled her eyebrows,

"Uh-huh. And what's the biggest thing within walking distance of Eastbourne sea front?" she asked cryptically.

Ron thought for a moment, he had no idea; he looked up and down the coastline to see if anything stood out. He shrugged and turned to Dee whose face was becoming strangely serious.

"That's not funny Jo, this is supposed to be a fun day." he said sternly.

Jo huffed and rolled her eyes,

"Who says it can't be fun? Bloody hell Dee I'm not gonna jump off. I just wanna see the view that's all."

Ron frowned at them both but neither of them seemed to have noticed.

"You want to see the view?" Dee repeated.

Jo nodded.

"You want to see the view from the country's most famous suicide hot spot?"

Ron blinked and snapped his head around to stare at Jo.

"It's a suicide hot spot because it's so high. You go up high to see views as well as kill yourself y'know. The height is what makes it a view. You look down at a view, look out at one; you don't stand at the bottom of a view and look up at it. That's not a view it's a sight."

"Jo I don't know..." Dee shook his head.

She stood up as she answered him,

"You know what? It's the furthest away I can think to get from that sodding place. I'm going even if you're not."

She began to walk away. Dee looked at Ron, his face the picture of concern,

"Is she alright or not? I can't tell."

Ron seemed to understand though. He nodded to Dee and rose to follow her as she walked along the sea front towards the cliffs of Beachy Head.

ooo

This was not what Hermione had signed up for.

Her stupid 'buddie' was patronising her, she thought, and had not let her take a single call yet. Did this place want volunteers or observers? He had said that he would transfer the first call that he didn't think would be too much for her on her first day as soon as one came in and all she had got so far was to deal with a wrong number. Honestly, as if he couldn't have dealt with that himself, he had just transferred it to her to give her something to do.

She hadn't thought much of his counselling techniques either, these people would be much better off talking to her, she knew what it was like to feel lost. She knew what it was like to feel like an outsider in her own life. What did he know? He'd just memorised the textbook, he didn't know anything practical, she had fumed at him earlier on that you can't read everything in books. Then she had shivered, it had been like deja-vu and frostbite at the same time. That feeling had distracted her from her buddie's witty retort and he had now turned back to his phone.

So she didn't fit in at night school and now she didn't fit in at the Samaritans. Hell she was even being mocked in her own dreams. Did anybody out there actually like her apart from her parents?

"Her...Herrenome...Hemmen..." the idiot buddy called, he hadn't got her name right once yet.

"Hermione" she said as if talking to a small child with his head stuck in a bucket of cotton wool.

"Do you want to take a lunch break and you can take your first call when you get back?"

Without a word she snatched up her coat and bag and stomped away.

ooo

They were knackered.

"Y'know when I suggested us climbing to the top of the country's steepest cliff I never really thought about the fact that it would be...y'know, steep?" Jo panted as she gripped a stitch in her side.

Dee looked desperate to say something witty but he couldn't vocalise any of his thoughts past the wheezing. Ron hadn't realised just how many muscles he had in his legs until now and that was only because he could feel every single one of them.

"Y'know Jo?" he huffed as he clung onto some tufts of grass to steady himself as he climbed, "I've been thinking, ever since I lost the ability to breathe with my mouth closed, that most of those people who jump off this bloody cliff probably weren't depressed at all. They were just too exhausted to climb back down again."

Jo laughed at this, Dee gave a weary smile and Ron grunted and pulled himself up a little further.

"Look, it levels out from here, it's just like big hill rather than a small mountain." Jo announced as she stood upright.

Dee sighed and shook his head in resignation.

"I think Dee needs a break." Ron called up to her as she turned around and her face dropped.

"Oh crap, we haven't come very far have we? I can still read that street sign down there."

She extended her hand and pulled Dee onto the kinder gradient. He flopped forward and rested his palms on his bent knees and puffed.

"I would've thought that we'd have got further than this what with us being about ready to drop." she moved forward to heave Ron up too.

Ron turned around and saw that they had indeed not climbed quite as high as it had felt like. The steepness really did make this harder than any of them had predicted as they walked the coast line to the foot of Beachy Head.

"Well you're definitely holding up better than this one." she nodded at Dee who still hadn't been able to speak yet.

Ron took a deep breath and smiled at her. She did the same in return.

"I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I'm not worth all this effort aren't you?" she said, surprisingly upbeat.

"Bollocks you're not," Ron breathed, "what would me and Dee have been doing if we weren't her with you? Watching suds on the telly that's what."

Jo laughed one of her energy giving laughs and corrected him,

"It's soaps not suds."

"Same difference." Ron shrugged.

They each grabbed on e of Dee's arms and began to drag him along with them as they continued up the slope of Beachy Head. Ron knew that Dee was increasingly more worried about Jo the nearer they got to the top but Ron could see how much better she was feeling. She was enjoying herself and she didn't seem to care if what she was enjoying was strange in the eyes of anyone else, she knew what worked for her and this was really doing her the world of good and that was enough for Ron.

"Do you know why I chose the Meadows for my treatment?" she asked him out of nowhere after five or ten minutes of walking in silence.

Ron shrugged and shook his head.

"The sea; I knew how close I would be to the sea and that made up my mind; being close to the ocean always makes me feel better."

"It certainly worked today." he agreed.

"I don't know what it is but it always makes things seem lighter on my mind. Problems don't seem to exist anymore."

Ron looked out over the vast expanse of the sea to his left and agreed,

"It makes you think that there's nothing all that wrong with being alone." he whispered.

She turned and seemed to let go of the very last ounce of tension in her body,

"There isn't, I'm so glad you get that too, you have no idea how many people think that's why I feel bad when I do. I like my solitude, I need it some days, there's nothing wrong with my own company."

"I love your company" Dee said, causing Jo to smile in surprise at his return to the conversation.

"That's what it is with that bloody woman back at the Meadows y'know? She thinks loneliness is a problem to solve and it isn't. It's a passing state of mind and shouldn't be dwelled upon otherwise you'll never get past it."

Ron wanted to hug her. He didn't because Dee beat him to it. Jo was still talking.

"And no matter how much I dislike myself from time to time there are some days that I just like to sit in my room completely alone and just...be ok." Dee released her, "And I am, at times like that I am ok, it's just that nobody believes me. Then, when I am messed up in the head, you can't tell because...well, I'm damn good at covering that side of my personality up. It's not when I'm quiet that you have to worry about me it's when I seem fine that's the problem."

Dee kept his arm around Jo as the three of them carried on walking together. Ron was so proud of his friend's honesty and openness that he wanted to share something of himself too. He wanted to tell them exactly what he hadn't been telling Dr Rayner.

"Nobody's looking for me." he stated, as breezily as he could make it sound.

"What d'you mean?" Jo and Dee asked at the same time.

"When I was in London, in the hospital after...well," he held up his arms, "the staff and the police tried to find anybody who was looking for me. Missing persons reports, official papers in my name, they phoned everybody in the phone book with my last name and nothing. Nobody was missing anyone. They even tried to find my address through my dental records and I don't even have those."

Jo furrowed her brow,

"You don't have dental records?"

Ron shrugged,

"I know, the hospital couldn't believe that one either, not considering the good condition of my teeth. It's like I didn't exist before. Maybe that's why I don't remember anything of my life before this. Maybe I don't have a life to remember."

Dee pulled Ron towards him with his free arm and walked with an arm over both his friends' shoulders now.

"It's as if I was so insignificant that not even my mum and dad have noticed I've gone. Nobody's looking for me at all."

"Don't think like that mate." Dee said.

"You've just been looking in the wrong places Ron," Jo said, a warmth in her tone made him smile despite his misery, "somebody out there's missing you and we're gonna look after you until they track you down."

"We're all going to look after each other." Dee said firmly as he squeezed Ron's shoulder and Ron was sure he'd done the same to Jo on his other side.

"Cheers Dee." Ron said quietly.

"So it turns out you can miss what you don't remember." Dee said, seemingly to himself.

"What d'you mean?" Jo asked.

"Well my last session with Rayner was kind of ambiguous. It ended with me saying that I couldn't feel bad about having no family in my life or any friends or any home or history to my name because I honestly can not remember having any of it to begin with. I can't miss what I've never had I told her. Well it turns out you can eh Ron?"

The three of them reached the peak of Beachy Head without another word exchanged between them.

ooo

"Hello Samaritans, my name's Hermione and I'm here to listen."

"Hermione?"

"Yes, that's right."

"That's a nice name."

"Thank you. You don't have to tell me yours. You can make one up if you like."

"No I want to, my name's all I've got, it's Ron."

"Hello Ron."

"Hi."

There was a pause. Hermione knew she shouldn't push this caller but wait until he was ready to speak.

"Sorry, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be saying."

"You don't have to say anything in particular; we can just chat if you want."

"That's the thing y'see, I can't chat, I don't have any opinions as far as I know."

"You don't feel as if your opinions are worth anything?"

"No, I don't know what my opinions are. I...well I've lost my memory and I don't know what I think about stuff. I don't know what I like or don't like I don't know what kind of person I am or what kind of person I want to be. I'm just all...empty."

"Well let's start by giving you one opinion for now ok?"

"Alright, I'll have a go."

"Right, do you believe in fate?"

"I don't know."

"Well let me tell you something about myself and you can decide if you think that it's fate or coincidence."

"That sound's good."

"Ok, so here's something for you to think about. Today is my first day doing this. You are my first ever caller.

"Wow I'm honoured."

"You should be. So anyway, you are the first person to speak to me and tell me your problems. Well the thing is your problem is the same problem I have."

"Really?"

"Not nearly as bad though; I'm just a little fuzzy over the last six or seven years of my life; I still have my childhood memories, my favourite colour, I can remember every Christmas morning and every summer holiday with my family. There's just a big gaping blank where my life after eleven years old should be. It's not even empty, it's just vague."

"I know that feeling. This morning I woke up and smelled burning and about fifty different kinds of deja-vu happened to me at once. It was only the toast burning. So what am I supposed to take from that then? Did I used to be a fireman? Or maybe I was just a clumsy git who always burned the toast."

Hermione laughed at that.

"I know what you mean. I keep reaching into my coat for something when I'm startled or annoyed and I don't know what it is I'm looking for."

She heard a sound but she couldn't make out what it was, she hoped it was a laugh or at least that he was smiling, he was quiet now. She waited for twenty seconds or so before he spoke again.

"Did you know that there was a big sign for the Samaritans on top of Beachy Head?"

Hermione panicked, she knew why people went to Beachy Head,

"No, no I didn't know that."

Oh she couldn't hand this caller over, not after having made a connection like this with him, but she really wasn't sure she was prepared for the call to take this sudden turn without warning.

"Well there is. It's a big sign with the phone number on it and it's right above a telephone box; convenient that isn't it?"

"I suppose so."

"I don't even know why I called, I've never used a phone before...well I have but, y'know? I don't remember using a phone before."

"Ron, why are you at Beachy Head?" Hermione tried to keep her voice calm and even.

"Oh don't worry, I'm not here for that, I'm with friends...and not suicide-pact friends either. We're up here for the view."

Hermione let out a sigh that she hoped the caller hadn't been able to hear.

"How is it?"

"It was worth it, she's...my friend's really happy now, they're sitting on the grass looking out to sea. It's a good day for it."

"A good day for what?"

The caller didn't answer. Hermione waited nervously for another few seconds before he spoke again.

"I'm supposed to talk like this with my doctor but she has this speech impediment and I can't talk to her without it annoying me."

"So you're getting help then?"

"I wouldn't call it that. I'm in a clinic full of nutters and I'm king nut! It's funny really; it's easier to talk to the other patients than the doctors."

"Well you can always talk to me, as long as there's nothing annoying about my voice of course, I'm going to be here every day."

"No, your voice is nice, and at least you understand. We're the same, well no we aren't the same exactly but you know what it's like to feel like a stranger in your own life."

"That's exactly it. God, you're counselling me!"

"Sorry. There are other people I can talk to but they have their own burdens and I don't want to bog them down with all of mine as well."

"Don't apologise, just answer my earlier question, do you believe in fate?"

"I think I do."

"So do I."

"I have to go, they're looking for me, I'll call again."

"Do. Remember to ask for Hermione and they'll put you straight through."

"I will."

"It's been nice making a memory with you Ron."

"Thanks. You have no idea how much I needed one right now."

"Pick a favourite colour; tell me what it is next time you call, will you do that for me?"

"I will. I've really got to go."

"Ok then, Bye."

"Bye. Thanks."

ooo

A/N I just need to say a BIG thank you to BookSmartBrilliance for one of the most positive reviews I've ever had for anything I've written before. Don't worry though, it won't go to my head as I have college today and my writing tutor has been treating my stuff as decidedly mediocre to that brings me back down to earth!