Who You Want To Be
Part Ten – Leaf

Leaf refused to look at the man sitting before her. Instead, her dusty-brown eyes focused on the bland wall behind him. She sat upright and stiff in her otherwise comfortable chair, arms crossed and lips set in a straight line. She had been like that for quite a while.

The man looked down at his papers, and said, "Miss Green, I am here to help you. I'm not trying to control or hurt you in any way, shape, or form."

"Well I don't want to be here," she said sharply, still not looking at him. "We're just wasting each other's time."

"Many things happened to you," he pointed out. "Therapy is a good thing to help you work out your problems."

"I don't want your help." She glared at him heatedly.

He shook his head. "You're going to have to talk to someone." His voice was surprisingly harsh, but it really wasn't a surprise. "If you don't, your mind is going to eat you alive."

Leaf thought about that. "I won't let it."

He smiled at her humorlessly. "A lot of people say that. Unfortunately, stubbornness alone isn't enough, Miss Green."

She looked away once again. Leaf didn't care what he had to say. She had been fine on her own for a long time, and though she appreciated her friends greatly, she didn't need any help when it came to this.

…

Leaf's brown eyes swept over the battlefield, shifting from the small shrubs that lined the sides, to the grass, to the cobblestone arena itself. She bit her lip before saying, "That's a bit odd."

Gary shifted a bit and glanced at her. "What is?"

"Two things, actually. Firstly, Koga's here. I thought he was over in Johto." Before she could get the second thing out, Gary shared his two cents with her.

"I heard rumours that he wanted to be in Kanto in the first place," he said with a careless shrug, clearly not really caring if they were true or not. "No one was leaving at the time, so he went to Johto instead. He certainly was an opportunist to get here, wasn't he?"

She snorted and held up two fingers. "Second thing then. I'm surprised he was allowed to plant those here. The leaves themselves can cause a rash if touched, and are poisoned if ingested. You'd think that wouldn't be allowed."

"This is the Pokémon League." They looked over to Clemont, who was eyeing the field skeptically. "The rules aren't exactly the same."

"That's putting it mildly," Leaf agreed with him, shifting so she was sitting sideways in her seat so that she could see him and Gary at the same time. She was really grateful that these chairs were much more comfortable than the general stands in most arenas. "Ash will have to be careful."

"He's faced off against Koga himself before," Brock pointed out. "Most people these days face Janine, and Aya on occasion. I'm sure Ash can do it."

"I'm not doubting Ash's abilities." Leaf rolled her eyes, and felt annoyed that Brock would even inadvertently imply that's what she was questioning. She was the one that had been training with him almost daily in the lead-up to his Elite Four Challenge. "What I mean is that even if he's the better battler, and poison can be easy to beat if you're not careful, one little slip could cost you. It's tricky that way."

"Oh!" Dawn leaned forward from where she was sitting. "I just remembered! You were studying poisons when we first met you, weren't you? For the Pokédex, right?" She grinned. "That was such a long time ago."

Leaf laughed slightly and looked down as Koga cleared his throat, the noise booming even in their private box to watch the match. Pikachu shifted in his spot on Misty's lap, watching his trainer eagerly.

"Fwahahahaha!" They all jumped. "I am Koga of the Elite Four!" He held his hands in the air. "I live in shadows, a ninja! My intricate style will confound and destroy you! Fwahahahaha! Pokémon are not merely about brute force—you shall see soon enough!"

Ash stared at him for a moment before looking up at where he must have known they were sitting, a look of disdain on his face before turning back to his opponent. Both selected a Pokéball and threw them into the air, revealing Ash's Donphan and Koga's Ariados.

"So like…do you think that those speeches are required?" Bonnie asked curiously. "Cause Piper said she forgot something yesterday then said her own intro too."

"Probably." Leaf agreed. She paused and thought. "I really hope that's the first thing Ash gets rid of when he becomes the Champion."

…

Amanda Green. 1977 – 2017. Only 40 years old when she had passed away.

40 was such a strange number to Leaf. It seemed so far away – over a lifetime – but at the same time, she knew it was so young. Then again, she knew that most people had been surprised her mother lived as long as she had.

She stared at the tombstone in front of her, slowly reaching up and running her fingers along the grooves that carved out her mother's name. This rock was the only proof that her mother existed at all.

Her hand dropped down onto her lap, and Leaf bit her lip. She wasn't quite sure what she was supposed to do now. This was her first time visiting her mother's grave alone, and every other time, she had simply placed flowers and stared at it for a few moments before moving on. Others asked her if she wanted to say a few words, but she never really knew what to make of that. What did it matter if she talked to a stone? It wasn't like her mother would hear her.

Yet, she had the urge to speak. To say things to the woman that she had never said before, to try and actually work things out and understand. Once again though, her mother had deprived her of something that would bring her a bit of peace. It was something the woman had been so good at, that apparently it transcended into death.

Leaf didn't understand why her eyes were starting to burn and her vision became blurry. She had already made her peace with her mother's memory, and decided that it was time to just move on. So why did it feel like something was squeezing her chest?

A warm hand gently touched her shoulder, causing her to jump a bit. Leaf looked around, meeting Delia Ketchum's warm eyes. The woman smiled at her, but didn't say anything, instead shifting so that she was kneeling beside her.

A sob broke out of Leaf's lips, and she found herself leaning into the woman's warm embrace.

…

Leaf collapsed to her knees, cheeks red as sweat slid down her temple. She grumbled to herself, digging in the pocket of her shorts and pulling out an elastic, tugging her short hair up into a ponytail as best as she could.

Beside her, Ash snorted with amusement, his eyes trailing on her tiny ponytail. She nudged him, and he ended up toppling over sideways, still seemingly amused. Pikachu poked him for good measure.

"Why did I think this was a good idea?" she asked him as she flopped down beside him the rest of the way, staring up at the sky.

"You're a good friend who wants to help me win the Indigo League so I can try to fix the mess our parents made?" Though it should have been a statement, he made it sound more like a question.

"Yes, but that was before I knew exactly what your definition of training meant." It didn't just mean Pokémon battles and giving them advice. Ash got right in the midst of it. If they needed to run, he needed to run. If they were working on strength training or stamina, so was he.

Despite her complaining, Leaf had to really admire that. It really did differentiate him from so many others.

Ash didn't say anything to that, simply shrugging, throwing one arm over his eyes to block out the sun.

Leaf looked over as Espeon nuzzled herself into her side, curling up for a rest. The rest of their Pokémon were scattered around them haphazardly, but they all deserved a break so she wasn't about to comment.

Instead, she thought back to Ash's earlier statement. "Those assholes really fucked things up, didn't they?"

At first, Leaf thought he wasn't going to respond to that, which she could understand, but then he lifted his hand from over his eyes. "I want to say yes. I really do. I want to rant about him and how he's made a mess of things…"

"But?"

"But," he agreed, "it wasn't just his fault, was it? I mean, when they were our age, they tried to fix everything and had only good intentions. I know what I said before, but I can't really fault them for seeing a problem and fixing it."

"Someone's been talking to his mom," she teased. "That wasn't really in question though. The league as it is definitely is an improvement on how it was before Red became Master. No questioning that. It's their decisions when things went south that really effed everything up, and you know it. Now, they're the ones that have to change and refuse to, so they're the problem."

Ash continued to stare up at the sky, one hand stroking Pikachu's fur. Slowly, he looked at her, brow furrowed with concern. "Why are you lumping your mom in with Red?" Red. Never his father.

"Why wouldn't I?"

He hesitated. "Your mom…"

"Was selfish and uncaring until the very end," Leaf finished for him, covering her eyes with her arm like he has earlier. "She never could find it in her to care about me. It was only when she got that adventure that she became more than a catatonic husk."

She heard Ash shift a bit, and there was a pause before he spoke again. "Leaf…your mom loved you. She died for you. Gary told me what she said to you…well a short version of it. She noticed you. She thought you were amazing."

"Hypocrite." She moved her arm and stared at him, a burning sensation coming from the corner of her eyes. "Red knows you're a great trainer and that's why he stops you. He stayed away to protect you. You don't get it. Sure, maybe Red's a colossal dick, but he and your mother are both amazing people. They always have been. A thief and a murderer. That's what I come from."

"No." His voice was suddenly stern. Leaf looked over as Ash sat up and stared down at her, Pikachu rolling onto his lap and staring up at his trainer with interest. "That's not what you come from, and even if it was, it's not who you are. Your mother was depressed, and I bet if she was here she'd tell you that you were the only thing that kept her going at all. That's what my mom said at least. And my mom…you come from her too. We grew up together, and she loves you like a daughter too. You come from friends that see you as family. You come from the people you saved."

Leaf sat up and looked down, her vision blurring. She could still make out Espeon snuggling close to her.

Ash hesitated before reaching forward and placing a hand on her shoulder. "Your mom needed help and she never got it. Just like you are now." Her head shot up as she stared at him. His expression was soft and sad. "You always said that you didn't want to be like her, and that's okay, so why start now?"

"Ash…"

"I hate that you feel sad all the time. You…you were one of my best friends growing up. You still are now. It's selfish I guess, but I just…I just want to see you happy again. I don't want to see your mother accidentally drag you down one more time."

Leaf felt like she couldn't breathe for a moment. Then something in her broke. She inhaled sharply, trying to will her tears to not actually fall. She hugged her knees to her chest. "How do I do it? I know she died for me. She had the ability to be a good mother all along. I know she was depressed. I know. But I still…how do I even have the right to be upset with her? She died for me."

"When I was talking to my therapist," Ash said, almost hesitantly. Leaf got the distinct feeling that he was trying to avoid talking about himself and focus on her, but she still nodded her head to keep him going. "We realized that I had built a picture up of Pokémon Master Red as an amazing person, and I had a picture of my father as a complete loser. Then I found out they were one and the same and that he was willing to let Dawn and I die. The two images I built up in my head were both a lie and the truth. I…I understand now why Red did why he did. I get why he'd want to help a lot of people over two, but it will never sit right with me. How he handled this whole mess doesn't sit well. The therapist told me that I could hold onto that anger, or I could accept it and move on. I was super confused about this and ranted to my mom."

That caught her interest more than the therapist. "Your mom?"

"Yeah. She said that it doesn't mean forgetting or forgiving. Nothing that Red ends up doing will ever take away the betrayal or hurt, and it's okay."

"It's okay?"

He sent her a watery smile. "It's okay. It's okay to hate him but also admire him in a sense. It's okay to hate him even if he does something in the future like save my life. What I feel is what I feel." He stared at her. "So it's okay, Leaf."

"It's okay," she repeated, in more of a whisper than anything else.

"You should talk to someone. Someone who isn't as messed up as me right now. My mom's really good for advice, and she loves you, so she'd help you in a heartbeat." He paused. "She lost everything once too."

Leaf brushed her tears away. "Maybe."

"Good, cause if we're going to tear apart the Pokémon League, you gotta get better too, right? Like we promised. We'll fix the mistakes they made."

At first, she was a bit startled, but then she laughed, a genuine but strained one. "That's right. We will."

…

Misty screamed as a poison dart scraped by Ash's arm. She stood up from her seat, still holding Pikachu (who looked equally horrified) and though there was nowhere she could go, and nothing she could do, Leaf still grabbed her by the arm and hauled her back down.

"It's okay," Leaf assured her. "I'm sure that hurts like hell, but it won't be a lethal dose." She winced a bit at the gash on Ash's arm that he was now holding. "You know Pokémon can control the heat of their flames, or of water, and they can control the toxicity of their attacks. It's illegal in league battles to use lethal toxicity, in case this exact situation happens."

"She's right," Brock agreed. "He'll be fine." He cast a look at Leaf. "You certainly know a lot about League rules."

"I made it my business to know," she said cryptically, leaving it at that. No one else knew of the plan, and it was going to stay that way for now in case something fell through.

Leaf had to admit, Ariados' poison seemed to be slowing Ash's movement down. It was too bad that Gliscor seemed to take the accidental attack on his trainer to heart, his movements becoming more rapid and fierce.

"Why isn't he healing it?" Bonnie asked. "He can do that, right?"

"He's keeping that on the DL," Max answered for her. "No need for someone to accuse him of using special abilities because of it."

Leaf nodded in agreement. She knew that Ash was purposely going out of his way to not rely on his Aura abilities, though his connection with his Pokémon was something that couldn't be ignored or lessened. Still, he didn't want to be accused of cheating by healing his Pokémon or attacking for them, or something ridiculous like that.

"He'll be okay," she assured them all again, squeezing Misty's hand in a comforting way. "I promise. He's fine."

…

Leaf had decided early on that she really had no place in a kitchen. It wasn't really a problem, since microwavable, nutritional options were available, but apparently one Delia Ketchum strongly disagreed with this thought. Leaf hadn't realized that her kind gesture of helping the woman carry home her groceries would turn into a cooking lesson.

Everything she did was carefully monitored by Ash's mother, who was quick to realize when she was about to make a mistake, and gently corrected her.

It surprised Leaf just how much she was enjoying it.

Glancing up at the woman after carefully placing the dish in the oven, she asked, "Where's Ash, anyway? Normally he'd be crashing down the door at the smell of food."

"He left early this morning," the woman explained, setting the timer for their food. "He's heading towards Vermillion City – taking the transits to get there and then making his way to Cerulean by foot for the training, I think." She moved around the room, collecting green tea and a couple of glasses from the cupboard for them.

That was good. Her pride could use a few days without his Pokémon ripping through hers like they were weaklings.

She eyed the woman for a moment, this was the first time they had been alone together in quite some time, especially without the potential for interruption. Unless Mimey counted, but he seemed too busy battling the stubborn weeds outside.

"Delia," she spoke up hesitantly, "did you…well…can I ask you a question?"

Delia looked terribly amused by this. "Of course you can. There's no need to ask!" She handed the young woman a glass.

Leaf bit her lip and looked down, swirling her drink around in the cup a few times. "Even if it's about my mom?"

If Leaf was looking up, she would have seen Delia's smile fall from her face, concern replacing it. She did look up when the woman placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled. "Let's go sit in the living room, and I'll try to answer as best as I can."

Drinks in hand, the two made their way to the comfortable couch. Leaf had always loved this house, with how warm, colourful, and inviting it was. It was easy to feel at home there, unlike the plain, regularly messy place she grew up in. "What was she like back when you first met her?"

"Hmm," Delia leaned back a bit on the couch, eyes looking towards the ceiling in thought. "Green was a very…outgoing person, and came across as very confident of herself and her actions." She looked back at Leaf, a small smile on her face. "She was a bit of a flirt with…well…everyone, but it was all in good fun. She knew exactly how to get Red and Blue riled up."

Leaf blinked, not quite sure how to take this. It didn't sound at all like the woman she had known.

Delia seemed to sense her confusion, and kept talking to explain a little more. "But…there was always a darkness that followed her around too. She didn't have a family growing up, and was closer to Pokémon than people for a long time. Sometimes it was like she just didn't understand how to act around people – especially those she was closest to. She did some very questionable things, but she always had good intentions, from her view."

From her view. Leaf supposed she could understand that. Everyone always thought their own actions were the right course. "So she was everything the rumours about her said."

"Yes." Delia's answer was firm, so Leaf was a bit startled when she kept going. "And so much more. She was brave, and she grew to care about her friends a lot. She was determined to stop Team Rocket and protect others." She paused. "I know it's not what you want to hear, but you're very much like her. She knew it too."

Delia was right, she didn't want to hear that. The comparison to her deceased mother didn't bother Leaf nearly as much as it used to, but it still stung. "Oh."

"It was startling to see you, Ash, and Gary together growing up. So much like her, Red, and Blue. Mind you, they grew up together, she met them later on, but the point still stands." Delia smiled, taking a sip of her drink. "She told me once that it was like a second chance to do things the right way." She laughed. "You know, Hillary, your mother, and I were pregnant at the same time."

Heather. That was a name Leaf hadn't heard in a long time, and she was a bit ashamed to say that the memories of Gary's sweet mother faded a little more any time they came up. "We're only a month apart each, so that makes sense." It had always amused Gary, Ash, and herself greatly, growing up, that their birthdays were on the 22nd of April, May, and June respectively.

Delia nodded. "Heather was very calm about it, and I was terrified, but your mother was so excited from the beginning. You were the brightest part of her life."

Somehow, that was startling. "I was?" A part of her knew that her mother had loved her and was proud of her, she said so with her dying breath, but hearing it confirmed from someone else was different. It gave truth to the words of a serial liar.

"Sweetie, you always have been. Your mother suffered severely from depression, and came to me for advice and help many times." Delia paused, brow furrowing, and Leaf was a bit amused by how much the expression reminded her of one Ash would use when he was about to talk about something particularly unpleasant. The amusement left her when she let that thought sink in. Before she could ask what was wrong, Delia seemed to make up her mind and said, "Do you remember once you stayed with Ash and I for nearly a month when you were really little?"

She frowned and thought back, faintly remembering being very, very young and staying with the Ketchums for quite a while. "Sort of."

"The first night you came here, I had found your mother in her bathtub, with a razor on the floor."

"What?" Of all the things Leaf expected to hear, it wasn't that.

Delia shook her head sadly. "I was supposed to take you and Ash out for ice cream. Gary was sick at the time. You answered the door and –" she seemed to joke on the very memory itself, "—and you told me 'mommy is sleeping in the bath upstairs'."

"I saw her?" Leaf exclaimed in shock.

"You did. So I sent you and Ash into the living room to watch the cartoons you had been watching and I ran upstairs. She was treated in the hospital and went to get help, but she didn't want it…didn't trust it. Blue and I both tried so hard to help her over the years—but then—"

Still reeling a bit, Leaf finished her sentence faintly, eyes burning as she blinked several times. "Then my father killed Blue, Heather, and Blue's sister…Daisy, right? Then my mother killed my father out of revenge."

"Yes, and no." Leaf once again met Delia's eyes, not at all surprised to see the tears that mirrored her own. "She came to me, you know. I knew what she was going to do."

"You knew?" Oddly enough, the thought that Delia knew about a murder and said nothing to the police was even more shocking than her mother's suicide attempt. "You didn't tell anyone."

"I told Red. I—I've always had a way of communicating with him. It was only for emergencies. I know he did something to make it all go away." Delia suddenly looked fierce. "And I don't regret it. Neither did she. It wasn't about revenge. It was about you." Leaf mouthed the word 'me' as Delia kept going, clearly angered by the memory. "He was going to use you to punish her next. His own daughter. She was terrified because he had killed Blue and his family, he would have killed Gary, and she only knew one absolute way that you'd be safe from him. Even in her darkest times, your mother loved you so much. She had so many demons and didn't know how to fight them." Mrs. Ketchum visibly calmed down, a sad smile on her face as tears streaked down her cheeks. "She was so proud of how much stronger you were than her."

Leaf looked down, grabbing her drink and swallowing the rest of it, just to give herself a second to think. This was exactly what she wanted, the bare, honest truth. Wanting it and actually hearing it were two different things though. It left her feeling even more conflicted.

Crossing her arms in front of her, she leaned back a bit, glaring at the empty cup that sat on the table before her.

Delia's hand gently rested on her shoulder, and Leaf looked at her again. "But you know, how she treated you still wasn't okay, was it?" That startled her too. After all of the things that Delia had just told her about her mother, she was sure that the woman would insist on forgiving and embracing the memories that she had. "You can still be mad at her, be resentful, but you can still love her too. What you feel is what you feel, even if it doesn't make much sense. Never be ashamed of it. Gary's still here for you. Ash is here. All your friends are here. I'm here too."

Leaf slapped her hand over her mouth, but it was too late, a sob had escaped it. Fat tears rushed down her cheeks as Leaf's shoulders shook and she leaned on Delia, who hugged her tightly, running a hand through her hair.

"You don't have to forgive or forget, but for your own sake, you do need to let go." She paused. "Ash can't change the world on his own, now can he?

Leaf snorted through her heavy tears and choked out, "No, I guess he can't."

…

Leaf didn't scream when Krookodile finished off Arbok, but that was probably for the best since everyone else around her did it for her. It saved her vocal cords at any rate. She did stand up and move closer to the one-way-window.

"Ah!" Koga exclaimed loudly. "You have proven your worth! I subjected you to everything I could muster. But my efforts failed. I must hone my skills. You will go on to the next match, and put your abilities to the test!"

Ash was quick in recalling Krookodile, no doubt wanting to keep his Pokémon safe so that any poison in his system wouldn't cause harm. He kept his other hand still firmly pressed against his wound, which Koga only seemed to notice then. He said something quieter, and Ash was led out of the room, no doubt to get that checked.

Before he left, he turned around and looked up to where they were. Leaf couldn't be sure, but it almost felt like he was seeking her out this time.

"Halfway through, don't muck it up, Ketchum," she muttered, keeping her hand pressed against the window. She knew he couldn't hear her, but she'd remind him of that fact later.

After all, Amanda Green, Jack Ketchum, John Oak, and Delia Bosque had once dedicated themselves to helping the world, and were crushed under the pressure in different ways. That wasn't going to happen this time. Ash wasn't going to be left alone in this, none of them were.

"You know – I think – no I know – I'd like to be a Champion someday too."

"That's awesome!"

"You think?"

"Yeah! I'll be the Master, and you can be a Champion! Hey, let's make that promise! We'll kick ass and fix everything together!"

She just needed a little more time.

"Okay. The world won't know what hit it."

...

Note

Thank you to the following people for reviewing: Kisame Hoshigaki, Great, YouDontWannaKnow, fanatical99, ameriboo, Animation Adventures, and zdbztumble.

I've actually gotten a lot of positive feedback about Leaf in the past, and I'm really happy about that. She's essentially an OC hidden behind a known name and design, with a bit of the manga thrown into her personality. It's fun to write her, honestly, because I can take her in different directions that I can't with anyone else. So I really hope you like this chapter.

I'm also glad that people liked Piper's little moment. I'm not always a huge fan of OCs, but reality is that a lot of people died off-screen, and a lot of people left the Leagues too after that mess, so that means more people will be coming in. Piper is an example of someone who was a type specific master, but was not an Elite before this.

YouDontWannaKnow asked about battle scenes, and no, I will not be going back and rewriting them. I've been very forthcoming with the fact that I suck at writing battles hardcore. While trying could be a challenge, I also don't have the time or patience for that. So no, no adding in the full battles.

I hope you enjoy this chapter, it was really fun to write!

Have a Happy Halloween!

Written by Skylight Sparkle
Edited by EchidnaPower