I am being ambitious. Hell, I am being ambitious, stupid and reckless.
This is acting out on a new scale, this is destroying heaven for something that could blow up on me and this was going to hurt more than just myself. This could hurt someone else in the world who would end up being a version of me, this could hurt Carlisle even…
This could hurt…. But it could be the sweetest pain too.
Xx~xx~xX
LEAH CLEARWATER
THE SWEETEST ADDICTION
"She has these brown eyes…."
"Shut up Jacob" I sighed, flipping the magazine noisily.
"She goes to Forks High…" he continued, pacing in their little living room, his hands flailing in the air as if he was giving thanks to God for sending this Swan girl to him.
"And you don't go to Fork's High and you are a fifteen year old boy" I murmured half interested and more annoyed than anything. I didn't want to hear about love or even this watered down version, this puppy love and missed placed infatuation.
"Fourteen actually" he murmured sheepishly pausing to survey me. "Billy doesn't like it when people put their feet up on the couch"
"Because Billy can't put his feet up on the couch" I grumbled, tucking my feet more securely under me on their soft couch and ignoring his look of outrage. "Yes, I went there… now get me something to drink"
"You are a bitch you know that" he hissed.
"I know" I laughed. "The question you should be asking is if I care"
"Argh!" he screamed storming into the kitchen. "Why did he make you my babysitter… I can take care of myself, he knows that… what the hell is with this new curfew thing…"
I ignored his ranting and closed the magazine. I hadn't really been reading anything but had opted to look preoccupied instead of gazing into the distance and daydreaming about Forks General and more importantly my time in a certain black Mercedes.
My mother would freak… her daughter spends her time stalking grown men and sitting in their cars on the side of the road. My mother would freak and she had better…
"Your water" Jacob announced, placing the glass on the coffee table in front of me "Your Bitchiness"
"Thank you" I smiled at him. "Now go to bed"
"It's eight…"
"Go the fuck to bed, Jacob" I whispered closing my eyes. "This is me being nice"
"No wonder he left you" he murmured, stomping of to bed.
No, he left me and then I became his way… dear little Jacob Black.
They were all gone to some meeting, top secret and hush-hush. Everyone was gone; Sue and my dad, Billy and Old Quil and it was held at Sam's place. Jacob was irritated at being left out, Jacob wanted to know what it was about and why suddenly there was a curfew on the reservation. What I wanted to know was since when did Sam become the messiah.
I needed to get out of this place and all its damned secrets… I needed to save myself and my brother. I needed to find my own heaven…
Xx~xx~xX
"Hello Leah" Mary said waving her hand at me from behind the large reception of Forks General.
She was a large woman with abundant bosoms and a large round face that gave her a perpetual smiling face. She also had a large mouth that held no secrets. My favourite type of nurse when it came to getting regular news on Carlisle…
"Hello Mary" I said smiling at her. "Your hair is different?"
"Yes" she blushed touching her overly done hair with fat fingers. "Had it done yesterday…."
"Its lovely" I lied, watching in odd fascination as she blushed some more and shook the ringlets a little in satisfaction.
"You are lovely!" she exclaimed, doing her odd snorting giggling thing.
"Mary…." I aid thoughtfully. "You never did tell me if you managed to get Poppy and Carlisle…"
"Oh, yes" she said her face immediately grabbing on to a serious expression. "It got quite difficult after Portia passed"
"Yes, Seth was gutted by that…" I whispered, leaning on the desk. "Said he didn't think he could do medicine if that was what it entailed"
"oh no" Mary sighed. "He could do it… I mean, Carlisle… he is so loving… youknow, in his distant sort of way"
"Yes, in his distant sort of way" I murmured, thinking of the way his eyes would open up and reveal a pain that felt to old and intense that it seemed it would tear him up but he would still smile under that. he would still smile and speak softly… when it was obvious he wanted to scream.
"I wish I could be like that" I whispered.
"Like… Carlisle?"
"Yes…" I said thinking of my own pathetic control on emotions. "I wish I could bear pain and still smile and love the world"
"he is one of a kind" she giggled, blushing again. "I see you have fallen spell to him too?"
"Hmm?" I asked smiling in confusion at her.
"We call it the 'Carlisle Conundrum' here" she whispered winking at me. "Every woman is bound to fall to it… but honestly Leah, I would think you were more of a match with his son. you are too young…"
"Edward?" I scowled, leaning on the desk with my elbows. "That's like fitting a square to circle… him being the square…"
She laughed and I scowled again; I hated Mary's laugh and her fake kindness when it came to a good gossip. But everyone had their uses…
"Is Carlisle in, do you know?" I asked her-she would know naturally. "I have a few questions I would like to ask him on potential Universities I want to apply to…"
"He called and said he would be late" she sighed, busying herself with papers and files. "He has been… odd… lately. He is always on time… never misses a beat"
"Hmm" I murmured, knowing she needed little prodding to divulge. She was itching to…
"Oh yes…" she sighed sadly. "He is very… detached of late. Family issues I suspect, or maybe his secret girlfriend doesn't want to be a secret anymore…"
The nurses all theorized that since Carlisle was intensely quite and private, he had to have a secret relationship. Something that our conversation in the car confirmed; he was having relationship issues…
And I was feeling ambitious.
"Well…" I sighed. "I am sure it isn't as serious as it seems…"
"Will you wait for him?"
"Leah Clearwater waits for no man" I laughed. "I have things to do, see you later Mary"
Xx~xx~xX
Maybe I would have gotten over the whole 'Cancelled Engagement' if I had some sort of support group. If I had my mother telling me I would find my true soul mate, if my father had gotten so angry he wanted to murder the 'Son-of-a-Bitch' who broke his daughters heart and if Seth…
I would have been able to deal if I knew my family was right behind me. I would have been able to deal if I had my best friend. If I had my Emily with me, throwing darts at a picture of his stupid face and eating ice-cream all night.
I would have been able to deal with it if he hadn't hopped into her arms immediately and stolen her from me.
I had no one.
I had no one…. For a while.
But in this new misery, this crippling sadness that left me sitting in front of the television at hours on length, seeing past the colours on the screen and into the past that held a lost happiness that Sam brought to my life. this new misery that made anger a power I whielded against all who challenged me, this misery that made me want a man who seemed to harbour limitless love for all people…
In this misery I had Carlisle.
Wasn't it him who said he would teach me how to be brave?
I was going to be brave today… ambitiously brave and risk everything because I had nothing left to lose.
Xx~xx~xX
"Whose the paleface, Black?" I asked, pausing my trek up the stairs to stare at the brown haired too skinny girl sitting awkwardly on Sue's couch. "Why are you bringing pale faces to my house…?"
"Billy sent us here" the girl answered lifting her chin up at me.
"Is your name Black?" I asked her softly.
"It's Isabella" she murmured.
"Then Isabella…" I walked slowly down the stairs and stood in the frame of the door, ignoring Jacob's terrified look. "Do not speak unless you have been addressed and I know damn well that you are not Jacob's secretary or mouth piece"
"Leah is that necessary…" Jacob tried and I shot him a warning look, and he gulped hard.
"I just…" Isabella tried and I shushed her.
"Why are you here, Jacob Black" I asked softly.
"They are having… some kind of meeting at my house" he sighed. "Your mum and my dad said we could hang here"
"Why can't you hang at Pale Face's?" I asked.
"Her name is Bella" he groaned. "Billy doesn't want me to leave the reservation"
"My house is the last house on the Land… it's the same as not being on the reservation…" I said tucking the little gift back behind my back and out of Isabella's questioning sights. "Just… drive a few metres… same thing"
"Billy stressed" he sighed. "You think I want to be here, Clearwater?"
"I think Isabella doesn't need to be here" I murmured. "I can't have you bringing girls into my house"
"Its not like that" Isabella laughed and Jacob blushed. "I was helping him with his mathematics"
"Right" I sighed. " Well, I am off…"
"You going to the hospital?" Jacob asked and I stopped my movements. "Your mother said you weren't to leave either… especially to go there"
"Why?" I whispered.
"Uhm… I think it has something to do with them boycotting the Doctor there… the one trying to lure Quileute's to use his facilities…." He said frowning and shrugging his shoulders indifferently.
"Dr Cullen?" Isabella and I said simultaneously.
"Uh…" Jacob stammered.
"How do you…?" I frowned at her and she blushed.
"I know… his son" she blushed. "Edward… he is… a friend… I am actually supposed to go over to their house later on…"
"Whatever, no one cares about you and Square" I growled. "Black… I do what I want, just to be clear. Keep your mouth shut… if you value its functionalities"
"I hear you loud and clear, Clearwater" he sighed, plopping his gangly body too close to a squirming Isabella on the couch. "Quileute's and their secrets right"
"Right"
Xx~xx~xX
"Leah!" Mary called, leaving a younger nurse she had been scolding to come over to me.
"He is in…" she whispered, looking around the sanitized passage for invisible eavesdroppers. "But… he said he didn't want to be disturbed, so maybe come in… tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow" I murmured, pretending to think. "No, that won't work for me…"
"You could wait a little, maybe catch him when he does his last rounds" she tried peering at the little bag I carried.
"I don't wait for any man" I sighed-so soft she couldn't have heard anything but inaudible muttering.
"I have to talk to him…" I said sternly, looking her in the eye. "It's important… about my future…"
"Oh yes" she whispered shaking her head. I knew she knew about Sam. I let her believe it had to do with that, it was easier.
"I am sure he will understand" I smiled at her.
"He always does" she blushed. "Good luck Leah"
"Thank you" I whispered, walking down the corridor that leads to the turn to his office. "I need it"
Xx~xx~xX
Sam had been my first.
We had done it a total of three times and I knew fro what I had read in books and heard form women that this was not how it was supposed to feel. It hurt the first time, it felt icky the second time and the third time I had drifted off thinking about my plan to go shopping with Emily.
I was nervous walking toward his office. My mouth was dry and my heart was hammering angrily at my chest, screaming at me for making it work overtime; it was just staring to return to a semi-normal rhythm after the Sam episode and now I had it bearing the weight of this complicated lust I had for Carlisle. This emotion that made me break down in front of him with little fear of rejection or judgment. This emotion that made my anger seem pure and less venomous, that made my sadness seem like a weight I could carry in my little finger and my joy something achievable in the near future; all these things seemed possible when I was with him.
Sam had been my first and I had not known about the complexities of lust. I wanted to know now as I felt it. I wanted to know how to seduce and be wanted in a passionate way. I wanted passion because it seemed like the best cure for all of this.
Something raw and untameable-something pure and holy. I wanted Carlisle.
It wasn't a selfish want, I knew this without any experience n the adult world of desire and envy. He had saved me when I wanted to give up and now I knew I could save him from whatever this was that made him want to give up on himself.
This happiness he had found didn't have to go away, we could share it and look after each other…
I was in front of the office door, my heart thrashing inside me, my skin damp and my hand shaking slightly, the little bag in my hand with the candles and incense vibrating with each reluctant shudder.
If I had this piece of heaven, I could heal…
The blinds were down, the light off and it was quiet inside but somehow I knew he was inside. Sitting in darkness like before…
I knocked and there was no answer. So I opened the door and stepped into his darkness.
Xx~xx~xX
"Carlisle?" I whispered, squinting in the darkness.
My eyes adjusted quickly and saw his shadowed form in his large wing back seat, still and quiet and holding something. I moved towards him, around the desk to his side, placing my little seduction kit on the table and carefully went around his still form in the chair and reached for the lamp, switching it on.
The light wasn't as bright as the light the main light on the ceiling would have given; it cast everything in tones of cold grey-white. I sighed, the breath coming out in a shudder and moved around him again-carefully. It felt like he was blind or a statue-his stillness eerie and eyes seemingly unblinking.
"Leah" he whispered, his voice had lost its warm kind bell and was replaced in a faux imitation of huskiness and depth. I liked this new voice…
"Why are you in darkness again?" I chuckled uneasily, sitting opposite him in the visitor's chair.
"You shouldn't be here" he sighed, still not moving or looking up at me. His blonde honey hair falling over his face and hiding his eyes in shadows.
He sat still, his arms propped by his elbows on the table-as if to clasp them in prayer-but instead he held a crumpled black fabric in his hands by his face, as though inhaling it or breathing through it.
"What is that?" I asked and he moved slightly, a soft roll of his shoulders before slumping them in a sort of defeated gesture.
"It's Edward's shirt" he murmured through the fabric as it was covering his nose and mouth.
"Why are you smelling it?" I asked frowning.
"I don't know" he whispered and then placed it down on the table, pushing it away from him distastefully and looking away from it like it was an incriminating piece of evidence that would find him guilty to something.
His face seemed impossibly paler, eyes still averted from me and hair-his hair was always nested in a very intentional whimsical way that gave his face an innocence-but today it was a rough unruly version of its former glory… as though he noticed my staring he ran his fingers through it, lifting the longer strands away from his face and revealing his tortured angelic beauty for a moment before violently ruffling his hair and letting it fall over his face once more.
"You shouldn't be here Leah" he whispered. "I really feel like being alone… I am sorry"
"I want to talk to you" I sighed, ignoring the stabbing pain when he dismissed me in his polite compassionate way.
"Talk to me?" he asked "I can offer no advice… I am useless"
"I want to talk to you about you" I whispered. "I want to offer you advice"
He cocked his head oddly, a sort of childlike puzzlement spreading on his face and I giggled.
"You aren't used to being the one on the receiving end of therapy?" I asked and he smiled awkwardly-unsure if he should give up his brooding for a moment of humour.
"Today…" I said softly, ignoring the lump in my throat "I am going to be your therapist"
"hmm" he breathed his mood immediately returning to melancholy.
I took the bag and took out the candles and incense slowly. He didn't bother to look or care for what I was doing, lost in his turmoil… oblivious to my nervous excitement. The candles were lit and placed everywhere, the large office immediately filled with the scent of cherry-jasmine.
"Is this a Quileute meditation technique?" he asked, his lips quirking slightly-fighting the humour at bay.
"Yes" I whispered, returning to my seat. "Now, tell Leah what's bothering you"
He looked at me finally, eyes honeyed but dark-a golden glow filling them as thought the colour was liquid and swimming in unattainable riches. He looked at me closely, intently and with question and I squirmed under his gaze. I shifted and gulped feeling guilty for my intentions, feeling like an unworthy wretch for wanting this; he always looked this way, always looked innocent and oblivious to his allure.
Like an angel lost on earth…
"Leah…" the way he said my name, another gulp inducing sound-heart beat raised, palms sweaty… "You see… this?"
He prodded Edward's shirt carefully with a pale long and yet masculinely delicate finger-as though terrified something would jump out of the crumpled up fabric.
"Yes" I whispered. "You brought your son's shirt to work… creepy"
"Yes" he agreed. "Creepy"
"Do you know what is creepier?" he continued, looking at me with a heartbreaking sadness. "He isn't my son anymore, he hates being my son and I am…"
He paused, grimacing in pain and leaned back in the chair.
"Leah, he has destroyed me" he whispered. "And I have destroyed him"
"What do you mean he isn't your son anymore?" I asked. "Has he returned to his biological parents or…"
"They died a long time ago"
"What happened to Edward?" I asked and then remembered the Swan girl. "I thought you were having a dinner or whatever with Isabella Swan?"
"Isabella Swan" he said frowning slightly but didn't continue on the name.
"She sounded excited…"
"This is… far beyond that" he laughed.
"What is going on with Edward, Carlisle?" I asked sternly and he sighed deeply, remaining quiet for a minute before delivering a low:
"He loves me in the wrong way" his eyes never left my face and I was unable to hide my shock.
"Wh…"
"He kissed me" he continued.
"Aren't you related?" I coughed, the incense smoke suddenly too thick, the scent nauseating and assaulting me. A sweet bleach like smell filling the air.
"In a way…" he murmured watching me. "I am damned Leah, and I have sinned further as is…"
"What…?"
"His kiss lingers on my lips" he said coldly, detached and in the same moment, he ruffled the air in violent movement-getting up and moving to fast to a darker corner of his office and I heard sob like sounds emitting from the shadows he stood in.
"Do you see now?" he asked his voice raw and yet alluring in its exposure "You shouldn't be here… I am damned, evil and unworthy"
I got up slowly, placing two fingers on his mahogany table and watched fascinated when the wood around my fingers fogged with moisture. His back was turned to me, his head facing up at a framed picture-a painting I had seen numerous times of a boat in an unforgiving sea.
"You see…" he said quietly. "With Edward… it had begun as it has with me. it had begun with an itsy bitty emotion hidden and he had tried to squash it… but with time it grew and it darkened in his… I suppose in his heart. It got angered at being hidden, it got bitter at being made inferior and now… I has been set free and it has taken him over…"
"Leah…" he whispered as I took another step-carefully and tentatively. "He is good… oh heavens knows he is good. It is this evil we are born into that makes us turn to this…"
"You are not evil, Carlisle" I whispered, placing a hand on his back experimentally. His form went rigid but he allowed it, never turning away from the wall and painting.
"I have a similar situation…" he continued. "And I fear it is worse… Leah"
"Why?"
"I have two itsy bitty emotions sitting in the compartment were my heart should be…"
"You do have a heart Carlisle!" I said vehemently, startling myself and him.
"Okay then" he said calmly. "In my heart, there are two itsy bitty emotions…"
He turned and faced me, my hand left hanging in the air unsure for a moment before resting on his chest with the new change in position. His eyes were devoid of any moisture although I was sure he had been crying… I could drown and surface in them… I was drowning and surfacing…
"There is something odd he unlocked in me with his kiss" he whispered never breaking eye contact and oblivious to my heating up hand on the fabric of his pale shirt-the hot skin of my hand pressing on his cold skin through the thin fabric. He was oblivious to my chaotic heart, to my misting eyes…
"Leah…" he said huskily. "What do I know of love and want… what do I know of loving him and wanting you?"
"Huh…?"
"Oh" he murmured closing his eyes tightly and reaching for my hand, cold fingers clasping my wrist in an odd contrast of freezing fire and incinerating ice. "This… I apologize… I think our… therapy session has come to a close"
"No"
"Leah…" he gulped smiling oddly and trying to lower my hand from his chest-resorting to being forceful about placing it down. I raised my other hand with intention of touching his face and he caught that one too in a steely grip.
"I apologize" he said again. "This is highly inappropriate"
"I want you too" I said calmly, surprising myself with the control my voice maintained in the audio reality when inside I was in chaotic Armageddon.
He swallowed, looked at the hand he held in the air while his fingers that held the wrist of the hand he pushed down twitched. I watched as he tried not to look at me; obviously warring with himself on whether to forcefully push me away or reason with me-convince me that I had misunderstood him.
"No" he said softly.
"Let me…" I tried twisting my hand out of his but he was strong in his angelic capricious vulnerability.
"Let me free Carlisle" I gasped fighting with him to release me. "I won't hurt you"
He looked at me coolly, emotion hidden, eyes wide and lips parted and released my one hand slowly and then the other before rushing back into his seat and leaving me standing bewildered in front of the east wall, staring in confusion at the painting.
"You should leave" he whispered, grabbing the black shirt violently. "What you really should do… Leah… is return to the Reservation"
"Okay" I said calmly walking over to him. "I'll leave"
"Good" he said and swallowed again, throwing the shirt aggressively on the floor. I stood still by his side.
"Leave" he said again. "Please"
I wove my fingers into his hair and he groaned, his head rolling impulsively when I reached for the roots of his soft golden hair and clawed possessively.
"Please" he groaned-a sort of desperate cry.
"I'll leave" I whispered stroking his face and watching in sick fascination as various emotions fleeted across his face-pain, confusion and pleasure.
"Leah… I am evil…" he moaned when I wheeled his chair around to face me, closing his eyes. I touched his nose and let my finger run down to his lips were he pursed them in fear.
"Why are you always so cold?" I whispered not waiting for an answer when I brushed the pale skin of his lips with my thumb.
"I am damned" he murmured against my thumb, peering up at me with confused yet curiously excited eyes.
I quickly sat on his lap-straddling him-and he started, an odd stiffening movement, his hands going behind me and gripping the table.
"Stop" he said and this time the raw hoarseness of his voice was discernable. His eyes were large, unbelieving on my face. "Have you heard nothing Leah… stop!"
"Stop me…" I whispered fisting his hair.
He grabbed my waist as if to throw me off him and when I pushed forward he released his grip and groaned loudly, returning his hands to his desk.
"Stop…" he cried but his conviction was lost.
I touched his face, his lips, his nose and his hair in wonder. Is eye lids were soft, his jaw strong and hair felt like silk. No part of him was warm… and when I kissed his lips, imaging I was erasing Edward's unjust kiss for him, he breathed against mine and returned the motion in tentative wisps.
"He is just confused" I whispered against his lips. "Don't punish yourself for him"
"No…" he sighed "We are all confused"
It was suppose to be selfless (something for him and I) but I got lost in it; I got lost in his lips, pushing his barriers with insistent tugs and nips, touching his arms and revelling in the strength and shape they had and then I felt something I had never truly felt when with another-when being physical with another.
I could feel the honey warming in my stomach, I could feel the tightening and pleasant tugging happening and without a doubt, that honey had left my pink cotton panties wet. I hitched my dress up carefully and sought him out, pushing forward against him and moving with instinct… searching…
"Argh…" he groaned, inhaling sharply and eyes flying open. His eyes were black as night, wide and primal. "Leah…"
I shivered.
His hand returned to my waist painfully, and held me in place-his eyes unblinking on my face, dark and hooded, breath coming in huge huffs and released with difficulty-his nostrils flaring. He held me for seconds, to a minute-his grip tightening and eyes never blinking.
The next instant he placed me roughly on his desk, kissing me once more with fervour and need before leaving the air above me cool and hot and slamming into the metal cabinet behind him and pushing against it as if to get away from me.
"Ngh…" he groaned watching me in fear. "You shouldn't… be here, Leah"
"Carlisle?" I whispered, feeling odd and stupid as the high left my body and I fixed my dress self consciously. He stared at me from the cabinet, terrified.
"You should… stay at the Reservation"
"I want to leave the Reservation" I said confused.
"I am not… I am evil" he whispered. "This was… evil"
"No" I said stubbornly, my eyes welling up.
He rubbed his face with is hand roughly and tried to calm his breathing.
"Leah…" he said sternly. "You are strong…"
One tear escaped my eyes as I remembered how Sam broke it off. Quoting my strength and passion as the things that would make it easier when in fact they made it harder….
"I will be leaving soon" he said softly not looking at me. "My whole family and I… we have not yet discussed it but that is the only option left"
"No" I said automatically.
"Your people… your family, they love you Leah" he said smiling sadly. "And I understand now why they would not have you visit this hospital or associate with… us"
"No"
"You shouldn't be here Leah" he whispered.
"No"
"Go home… to your family and let them take care of you" he sighed walking over to the door and opening it for me. "You are young and do not need this…"
I stood unsure in the middle of his office before walking over to the door, to where he stood in fake calmness.
I kissed him once, softly and he returned the kiss mildly with restriction.
"You have made me brave, Carlisle" I whispered. "Finally… I thank you"
Xx~xx~xX
AUTHORS NOTE:
Wheeew! Three updates in a short time… the story is running in my head and I can't concentrate on day to day tasks so I have to pen it down before all the juicy bits get lost!
Why did I do this in Leah's point of view… if felt more appropriate that way. I might switch to her point of view from time to time, if people found this okay and comfortable. A nice distraction to Carlisle's constant brooding and masochistic melancholy. A nice change from bearing Edward's painful confusion…
In Edward's defence, he is a confused guy with an ego problem (why wont you like me is what's bugging him).
Bella and Jacob shall feature somewhere in the future… trying to weave Jacob a more prominent storyline. Sigh.
Thank you for the love and reviews! It's probably why this got done so fast ;).
To the ghost reader, here is an opportunity to be heard… review!
Till next time.
tj