Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 10

Back at the Apartment

We arrived back at Shizuru's apartment and changed out of her kimono. Once again, she gave me the privacy of her bedroom to change. I didn't mind wearing the kimono, and actually found moving in it easier than I'd feared. I guess I know how to make my body move the way I want so that even this clothing didn't get in the way. Of course I'm not as graceful in one as Shizuru (not that I ever am), but I don't have her years of practice wearing kimono.

Once I had changed into the informal outfit I'd brought, I tried to fold the kimono and accessories for Shizuru—though I'm sure she re-folded it properly later.

"Your turn," I told her as I returned carrying the original clothes I'd changed out of to put on Shizuru's kimono.

She gave me a smile as she gracefully passed by on her way to change. I think that held a mixture of disappointment that I was no longer dressed up for her and joy that I acted this relaxed—my mind wasn't yet ready to say "at home"—here.

I packed my dirty clothes into the bottom of my bag while Shizuru was changing out of her kimono, then sat down on the sofa. Shizuru had folded up our blanket from last night while I was changing, so I didn't need to.

She soon returned, and the question of what to do next came up.

"I'm sorry. I don't have any video games for you to play," she said.

Was she teasing me about liking to play them? I don't think so. She seemed genuinely sorry that she did not have this thing I enjoyed. Whether she was teasing or not, I could reply as if she were.

I told her it was all right, that there was more fun in life than video games, and that I figured they weren't exactly her favorite pastime.

She laughed and agreed that was probably why she had none.

After we finished laughing at this, I reached over to my bag and pulled out the Orange Days DVDs I'd rented. I relayed the recommendation the clerk had given. I really hoped that this was something that she would like.

"Sure," she replied. "If you think it sounds fun..."

Yes, Shizuru. I hope it is. I really hope these are something you'll like ...well, that we both will.

She must have seen that hope cross my mind, as her smile grew as she declared, "Let's give it a try."

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We popped the first disk into her player and sat down to watch.

The show started a bit oddly with college students stealing an orange. On the other hand, the soundtrack had some nice music. What kind of a major is "social welfare psychology" that the main character was studying? Ah, well. I'll give the show time to develop. Shizuru looked like she was doing the same.

A deaf violinist? Seriously? She was pretty, though. The more we watched, the more the show and the characters seemed to grow on us. Sae, the violinist, had lost her hearing in the past few years and was still learning to cope with that. She was fluent in sign language, but music and sound had been such a large part of her life that change was hard.

Hmm... Perhaps I could relate. I no longer had my HiME powers or the quest for vengeance for mother. That wasn't as obvious to others as deafness—and not really the same kind of loss at all—but I was still learning to adapt. Change is something we all have to deal with.

Then there was Kai. All of the characters seemed realistically complex, but as the main character, he was even more so. He was both meddling and understanding, yet also kind, like when he told Sae, "I will save you from darkness." I remember the darkness of Shizuru's nightmare, and I want to save her from that. Can I? Does she want me to? The story was good enough that I didn't even notice what Shizuru's reaction was when Kai said that line. That made Sae cry. What about Shizuru?

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Evening came, and my stomach growled to be filled. I suppose those noodles from lunch wouldn't last forever, even with our breakfast to back them up.

"If you're up for another traditional meal for dinner, I have all the makings of ozōni here," Shizuru commented.

The last time I had that type of soup with mochi was when mother made it for us. Somehow it didn't feel out of place to share this traditional dish with Shizuru ...or for her to make it.

"Sure, that sounds good. It's been a while since I've had that."

That answer made Shizuru happy, but the little girl in me who helped mother asked her, "I can help you again?"

OK, maybe the big girl I am now also wanted the enjoyment of working together with Shizuru. Regardless, that offer brought a full, happy smile to her face.

"Of course. Thank you." It looked like she really was that pleased.

There really wasn't that much to do, but Shizuru let me chop the carrots and daikon that went in the soup while she did the rest of the cooking. From Shizuru's expression, I assume that she planned to have me do this chopping (instead of doing herself before I got here). I think she enjoyed working together as much as I was coming to—and a quiet whisper in my head hoped I thought truly, that this wasn't just wishful thinking.

Of course, the meal was good. It had been ages since I'd had ozōni, and the taste and smell called up old memories. I call them "memories", but they were not of events or scenes, rather they seemed to be warm feelings and comforting emotions long dormant. I enjoyed them, and only later realized they had been gone so long that I had forgotten I missed them.

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After dinner we returned to watching Orange Days. Shizuru seemed to like the show, and I found that I was being drawn in as well. The characters seemed real, having grown in complexity. They suffered both hope and heartbreak, and while I don't get romance, their feelings in this mostly came across to me. Of course, Shizuru understood more, but she's good like that. Even I felt sorry for Kai when his old girlfriend, Maho, broke up with him. Could I comfort Shizuru like Sae helped Kai then?

In one scene Sae tells Akane she likes Kai, but that she's not going to tell him so since they'll go their separate ways on graduation. It makes sense to not want to form ties that will only be broken later. Was this what Shizuru was trying to do with me? Was it what I was doing with ...everyone, but especially her? Or is there a deeper reason—a deeper fear—that holds me (or her) back.

The episode ended at night with them musing about the future: maybe what we were doing as well, though not out loud. Anyway, we decided to call it a night. Shizuru disappeared into her bedroom and I took my normal place on the couch again. Is "normal" the right word given I've only spent a couple nights here? Maybe it is. Maybe that sense of "normal" was part of what made these times at Shizuru's special. I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure I could actually recognize "normal" given how abnormal my life had been. That sense of normal stayed with me into a sound sleep, and I woke in the morning relaxed and refreshed.

I think "normal" continued through breakfast, as it felt much like the others we'd shared here. No special sunrise or talk of it, just the two of us making and eating the meal together.

"Shall we continue?" I asked once we had finished washing the breakfast dishes.

Shizuru was happy to, and we returned to her TV.

I liked Sae's independence as she got a piano-playing job without any help from her pianist mother. Shizuru and I talked more about that and the friendships among the cast. Both of us chose not to mention the growing romances: me as I don't know how to talk about that stuff anyway and wasn't sure I wanted to, and I think that might be a topic that hits a little too close to home for Shizuru to want to discuss.

An old classmate, and crush, of Sae's saw her performing at her job, and tried to get together with her. He even took Sae on a date (or two, I'm not sure what exactly qualifies as a date) trying to rekindle her interest in him. Sadly, he was just using this as a way to sign her with his companies recording label. Sae discovered this and ditched him (you go, girl!). Kai was the one she then turned to for support. She told him, "I knew it was an unrequited love. It was my only love." She had treasured it inside, but in the end it turned out to be nothing. Kai asked if he has a place in her heart, and in answering, she stepped closer, then into his arms for comfort.

Is her's the kind of pain Shizuru has been going through with her love for me? I'm not going to betray her like that guy did, but she has been enduring an unrequited love for me for years. I don't want to hurt her, nor do I want to lie. What should I do?

.

We left the TV silent, just as we were while those thoughts ran through my head. After a bit like this, Shizuru suggested we break for lunch, as it was getting to be that time. Maybe she also sensed that I needed a break from this show to process the thoughts (and now that I think about it, feelings) that the show brought up in me. Maybe she needed the same.

Anyway, I agreed and we made a quick lunch from some things that Shizuru had on hand. I'm pretty sure she bought these for night before last when we ate the noodles I brought instead. She never said so explicitly, but that's my guess. On the other hand, she had seemed genuinely happy that I brought the toshikoshi soba, and this meant those ingredients didn't go to waste.

Once again, Shizuru instructed me through helping her in the kitchen, and soon lunch was ready. I again remembered where things were and set the table without asking.

That lunch gave me the break I needed. My curiosity was back in force to see how things would work out for the cast. Shizuru also seemed interested in watching more, so that's what we did.

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The next to last episode was one of many partings. A couple of the cast even started going their separate ways before graduation. The hardest of all was the end of the episode when Sae left for Germany, leaving Kai behind ...forever, it seemed. In movie-typical fashion, he ended up running after the bus carrying her off. At least with sign language, it was practical for her to thank him for their fun times together and wish him happiness, though they might never meet again.

The episode ended. Outside, the sun had gone down, and the night was as dark as my feelings. Being left behind, alone is something I know too well, and do not enjoy, not even vicariously.

But, I could cheer up from this. Shizuru was sitting next to me, and I knew I could count on her help there ...without even asking.

"Hey," I ventured, "how about going out for dinner tonight?"

Maybe such a meal could help my mood, the way it seemed that first dinner out had helped Shizuru with her nightmare.

Shizuru smiled, and then grinned. "Natsuki is tired of my cooking already?"

"Shizuru!" I shook my head. "You know that's not what I mean."

She giggled. Yes, Fujino Shizuru giggled. I don't know if she intended that teasing and giggle to lift my mood, but it began to.

Her grin turned back to a smile. "Of course, Natsuki. That does sound good." She thought for a moment. "Unfortunately, Otome is closed today, so we can't do `our usual' there." She cocked her head to roll some thoughts around in it. "What do you think of Momo?"

"Is that the one across from the take-out sushi place, the one I call Curry of the Zodiac? Sure, I like that."

She got up, getting ready to leave, and her silver laugh filled the apartment. "Yes, that's the one. I suppose that the chirimen figures of all the animals of the zodiac in their window are also a fitting decoration for a New Year's meal."

We both put on our jackets and headed up the twisty road to Momo. It was open, like Shizuru knew it would be. We sat at a small table for two by the window, fittingly enough near this year's figure of the rooster. Shizuru ordered the beef curry rice, and I followed suit.

"Given what you call this place, that is really the only choice," Shizuru stated. Her impish grin dared me to contradict her.

"Makes sense."

We didn't talk about Orange Days. Maybe Shizuru sensed that I wasn't quite comfortable with the way that last episode had ended. Yes, it wasn't the end of the show, but it still didn't make me feel good.

The curry, on the other hand, was quite good, and filling too. We also ordered dessert to celebrate the new year. We could find room for that. Momo's real specialty is anmitsu, and that's what we had.

I deliberately finished my anmitsu a little before Shizuru did. That let me grab the check as she put her spoon down for the last time.

"My treat," I declared, getting up.

Shizuru tried to protest.

I shook my head in denial. "You've done so much for me this weekend." She really had, and I put thanks for that into my looking at her. "Please," I asked.

Shizuru actually blushed at my request. "Thank you, Natsuki," she said.

I turned to pay the little man who runs Momo. I presume it's his wife who runs the kitchen, but I'm not sure. If he thought my smile was for the good meal and dessert, I wasn't going to tell him otherwise. It was good, and thinking that was a nice compliment to him. But in truth, most of my smile came from being able to do this for Shizuru, and also for the pleasure that she had brought by driving away the dark mood the end of that episode had brought.

Thank you, Shizuru.

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We walked out the door and turned the opposite direction from when we came. This was the way to the main street. It offered different scenery and had better lighting than the route we took to Momo.

I was curious to see and learn more of Shizuru's neighborhood. The odd store was open along this route, and Shizuru was also able to tell me about several other stores shuttered for the night, or possibly for the holiday break.

Shizuru paused in front of a convenience store. It was one of the few that were open. I pitied the staff who had to be there working.

"Do you need anything?" she asked. "It is conveniently open for us."

I took a moment to actually consider her question. "No," I replied. "I think I brought what little I need that you didn't supply. You?"

Shizuru smiled at my acknowledging that she was giving me more than just a couch, as well as asking about her needs. I wonder if she realized how much she was giving me those nights. I know it took me until a long while afterwards to realize all of it.

"No," she answered, "I'm also well enough supplied."

Back at Shizuru's apartment we bathed and spent the rest of the evening chatting. We wondered how Mikoto was getting on with Reito and family, given that her visit to them had prompted my staying here. Shizuru was better at speculating on this, maybe because she knows Reito better, maybe because she's a better student of human nature, but really just because she's Shizuru.

By unspoken agreement we put off watching the last episode Orange Days. Friends, school and the neighborhood seemed safer topics to discuss as well.

Shizuru yawned, then I did, and we decided it was time to turn in. Shizuru headed to her bedroom and I set up the couch for sleeping.

I slept well enough, but curiously, not as well as I had the first night of my stay here. Logic said having the whole couch to myself to sprawl over should have made this night more restful. But, of course, logic had nothing to do with it. It was months before I figured that one out, though.

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Next morning, Shizuru managed to make it into the kitchen and get out the teakettle before I woke up and made it over to join her. That was the only difference from our normal routine of making and eating breakfast together.

I'm sufficiently not a morning person that doing this on autopilot was probably helpful to me, but why did it feel so right to be sitting here eating breakfast like this. My brain was in no condition to ponder that question, but the breakfast was enjoyable and surely did me good as well. It looked like Shizuru enjoyed it as much as I did. Or maybe more.

After we had washed and put away the breakfast dishes, Shizuru looked at me and asked, "Are you interested in the last episode of Orange Days?" Her voice grew quiet and hesitant, as if she was unsure herself. "I am if you are."

"Sure, why not," I answered and led the way toward the TV.

I'm glad we waited 'til this morning instead of watching this episode last night. There was a lot in it, and I think it touched both of us more strongly than we might have expected.

At the end, Kai and Sae finally got back together. The way they teased each other felt good. Yeah, there are times when I find I like a certain someones teasing, too. Kai then asked, "Why don't we start again from here? The two of us, one more time, ...together."

Is that what we are doing? Is that what I want? If we are starting over after the Carnival, what do I want to do different?

Sae said "yes" with a smile, and wrapped Kai in a strong embrace.

Maybe what I want to do different is to no longer keep Shizuru at arm's length. No, there's no "maybe" there. Her company feels too ...right. ...but how close should I let her? I had no answer then.

Apparently this scene didn't hit just me. I noticed tears begin to run down Shizuru's lovely cheeks.

What should I do? What was I ready to do? Did I even know my own mind?

One thing was certain, I do not like seeing Shizuru hurting. I will do anything to ease her pain. I will do anything to keep her from hurting. But I was scared and uncertain, so I did less than I might.

I took one corner of the soft blanket over us and handed it to her, holding it near her teary face.

We both knew she could have picked up that corner herself, but I knew she would understand there was more behind that gesture than saving her that trouble. She would understand there was comfort and feeling behind it. In fact, she probably understood—or at least could put words to—those feelings better than I could myself. I'm certainly failing at that now. Why does it feel good to be an open book to her like that?

Shizuru took the blanket and daubed her face with it, then kept on drying it as her flow of tears redoubled.

It seems that she did understand and was grateful for my help, and the thoughts behind it. I wonder what my subconscious was thinking then. I could tell tell her tears sprang from deep emotion, and that emotion was neither pain nor sadness. Did I just make her happy? I hoped so.

I half noticed Shizuru use the blanket again for the very last scene, when Sae saw Kai off to school as part of their simple, ordinary life together. Why did that scene make my own heart clench with longing?

We both sat there on the couch, each absorbed in our own silent thought. I had a lot to think about. Shizuru glanced at me and I grinned back at her. I didn't yet want to talk about Orange Days and what gave it such an impact. I needed to understand what that impact actually was before I could. She was all right with that. Was I ready to acknowledge the feelings that this show brought out in her? Was I ready to accept them? Thankfully, I didn't have to answer that today either, nor was she going to push me to.

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So we talked about other things for the rest of the morning, or just enjoyed each other's quiet company.

My hunger and my cell phone went off at the same time. The phone was Mai. She thanked me for helping with Mikoto and invited us to Linden Baum for lunch. That could also solve the call of hunger.

"It's Mai," I explained to Shizuru. "She's inviting us to Linden Baum. She's working the lunch shift. You wanna go?"

I saw a brief flash of interpersonal calculus go through Shizuru's mind before she smiled and answered, "Sure."

"We'll see you there," I told Mai.

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As we headed over to Linden Baum, I realized that this had turned into the best New Year's I'd had since ...well, probably ever. There was no way the coming year could live up to this beginning ...but I hoped it would make a valiant effort.

Cultural Note:
Ozōni is a traditional soup made for New Year's. There are many variants, the one constant being the mochi (glutenous rice cakes) in it (except in some isolated areas where rice isn't much grown). Shizuru's version is a simple white miso broth with carrot and daikon complementing the mochi.

Daikon are the long, mild white radishes common in Japanese cooking. In addition to simmering like Shizuru does here, it is frequently pickled. The yellow takuan pickles are one familiar form.

Author's Note:
For more information on Orange Days, see the note at the end of Chapter 7: "Second Sleepover". I enjoyed the series myself, so I decided to gift the watching to Natsuki and Shizuru, as I think it fits with their story as well. Here's hoping you think it works, too.

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Following the tradition in writing about places like Otome, the restaurant Natsuki and Shizuru go to in this chapter, Momo, is also a real place. It serves what Natsuki and Shizuru had, and I also enjoy eating here.