Zombie Apocalypse
An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody
Chapter 10: Clash
"What do we do now?" asked Rob as the world domination cat banged against the bullet-proof glass tube.
Adam pushed a shell into his magic shotgun, glancing out the window to the endless horde of Ghouls that surrounded Pete's research facility, "We find Bobert's location using Pete's tech and then go after him."
The group all looked at their feet; G-seamus hopped off a terminal and approached Adam, green eyes sparkling in the dark room.
"We're not going." Said G-seamus in the machine-like voice of his, "This just isn't our fight, and we all have other things to do in other dimensions too."
Adam looked around the room at his comrades, a numb sense of shock on his face. His eyes were met with the defiant yet sad ones of all the people staring back at him. Adam nodded, "Well I didn't want all of you to come with me anyway…"
Rob shook his head, "Don't get the wrong idea Adam, we all want to help you. It's just that I need to find where the portal took Cara, back when the bombs hit she got sucked into it, I couldn't stop her from disappearing and I'm not leaving her alone wherever she is."
"Well I can't argue with such a touching speech, keep talking like that and I might get sick of you anyway." Said Adam with a laugh
"Me and Kate have some business to attend to in several other dimensions." Said Becky with a grin, "Namely, wiping out every filler character that's ever lived!"
"I wish you luck," said Adam with a look of approval, "I wouldn't mind seeing filler genocide at all."
"I'm staying with Adam." Said Seamus with an insanely toothy smile, "I've got a bone to pick with Bobert! Probably a wish bone too!"
Bob's talons clinked as he stepped into the room, he looked at Adam and Seamus, and then at Rob and the others. Tears filled his eyes and he hugged Kate.
"I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU!" cried Bob, "BUT I LIKE MY OTHER FRIENDS BETTER! WAAAAAAAH!"
"Didn't want you to even exist in the first place." Said Adam indifferently
Adam turned to the giant tube that held the world domination cat of doom and pushed a button, filling the tube with flames. Charred bits of tentacles pilled on the bottom of the tube for a moment before disintegrating into nothingness.
"Now I'll just make a clone of Pete so he can work the machines for us." Explained Adam as he ran through the cloning terminal's DNA memory on a screen
"Original Pete made a clone of Chuck Norris?" said Seamus in disbelief, "WHAT SACRILEGE!"
Adam turned the dial again and a picture of Bobert appeared.
"W-why does Pete have the DNA code of Bobert Mercer in here?" said Adam, "Why would he…this makes no sense!"
"I made clones of Bobert so I could learn about him," said a voice behind the group, "Learn about his strengths and weaknesses that is."
Pete dropped down from the dark ceiling, his face and arms covered in scratches. He walked up to the terminal and shut it off. The whole group stared at him, totally shocked.
"WHAT?" said Pete in disgust, "Surprised that a bunch of cats and one mouse couldn't kill me?"
"…yes." Said Becky, causing an uproar of laughter among the teens
"Do you people want me to help you or not?" questioned Pete, "Whatever, I'll help you just to get the annoyances out of my facility."
"My annoyances does he means us or the zombies swarming the first floor?" whispered G-seamus to Bob
"I THINK HE MEANS US!" responded Bob loudly, causing everyone to flinch
"Okay…why is specimen 242 here?" questioned Pete, "More importantly, where's his muzzle?"
"We were just about to look for one." Said Rob with a grin, "If you don't believe me, check chapter 8 for the quote about it, seriously guys, it's there I swear!"
"Rob," complained Adam, "Don't talk to the readers; you don't know where they've been."
"Yes Moooooom!" Replied Rob with an annoyed tone
"Ahem!" grunted Pete, "Which filler dimension do you want to go to first?"
"One Piece." Said Becky, "And I'm not just going to kill the filler characters in that dimension either, I'm gonna kill all of them."
"NO, DON'T HURT LUFFY-SAMA-SAN-CHAN-KUN-SENSEI-SENPAI-DONO-CHAN!" cried Rob
"You said 'Chan' twice -_-"said Kate
"Okay, the 'in sentence face joke' is getting old, Kate." Retorted Rob with a snort
"IT'S DONE, GET OUTTA MY FACILITY!" yelled Pete from the portal room, "AND EITHER TAKE SPECIMEN 242 WITH YOU OR KILL IT!"
"Maybe we'll catch up with you guys once we're done?" said Becky as she, Kate, and Bob waved goodbye. Adam, Seamus, G-seamus, Rob, and Pete waved goodbye in turn.
"Well now that that's over with, were do you want to go, Rob?" asked Pete, "You're looking for someone, right?"
"Cara…"said Rob quietly, "I have to find out if she's okay."
"Oh, her." Said Pete as he turned some dials, "She's alive, but…"
Rob leapt at the terminal, staring at the blinking dot that represented Cara.
"She's in the Resident evil 4 dimension." Finished Pete with a sigh, "Good luck with that."
"I don't care where she is." Said Rob with a face like stone, "Open the portal. I'm going in."
"Rob!" shouted Adam from the other room, "Take this!"
A syringe flew into the portal room, and Rob caught it…with his neck, injecting a green fluid into him.
"OW!" yelled Rob as he pulled the empty needle from his neck, "What was that!"
"An advanced strain of an experimental virus." Explained Adam, "Should give you some…interesting powers. You can't be fighting Regenerators and Los Illuminados as a human you know."
"Thanks…I think…" replied Rob as he rubbed his neck and entered the portal.
Pete turned to the little cat at his feet, "And you, G-seamus? Where to?"
"To wherever Nyan cat is!" cried G-seamus, "I want to fly alongside him!"
"Whatever…" muttered Pete as G-seamus passed through the portal
"This marks the end of an age." Said Adam as he walked up to Pete, "Nothing will be the same from here on…what'll you do, Pete?"
"Well I can't just leave my facility, years of work, dedication, murder…"
"What was that last one?"
"Murder."
"Oh okay, that's what I thought you said."
Pete looked out the window at the growing horde outside his facility. He shook his head.
"Screw it." Said Pete with a grin, "This place blows, I'm going to the Hellsing dimension!"
"Locate Bobert Mercer." Explained Adam, "Then open the portal."
"Yes, yes I know," replied Pete, "That is the point of this story after all."
Pete turned the dial again and several blinking spots appeared.
"It seems Bobert's been busy," started Pete, "All these people have his DNA signature."
"He planned for us to use you to find him," explained Adam, "If he's infected with the G-virus, than he must be spreading the virus by infecting people with similar genetic makeup. It only makes sense that there'd be more than one of his DNA signature, but which one is him?"
Suddenly, one of the dots disappeared, followed by another, then and another. Soon only one was left.
"It's not that there's more than one." Explained Pete with a look of shock, " Just now…he was traveling so fast between dimensions that it seemed like there were several of him!"
"Impossible!" said Seamus, "Nobody could do that!"
"Seamus, you don't even know what we're talking about, do you?" questioned Adam
"…AIDs?"
"You're still the same annoying little shit, you know that?"
"So we ARE talking about AIDs!"
"If Bobert doesn't kill you, I will."
"If you don't die from that infection first."
"SEAMUS!"
"Both of you are idiots." Explained Pete as he opened the portal, "But it looks like I'm stuck with you for now."
Seamus and Adam both stared at Pete in fear, "You don't mean…?"
"Yes," said Pete with a massively sadistic smile, "He's in the Hellsing Dimension!"
"Well...fuck!" cursed Adam, "Everyone in that place is overpowered and insane/violent/sadistic/religious!"
Information tab #1 (there will be a few of these)
Hellsing Dimension: Similar to the original dimension but with several exceptions.
Super powered Vampires exist
A vampire hunting organization exists, aka Hellsing origination
Alucard is Hellsing's most powerful soldier, a vampire known for being invincible and immortal
"What's a Hellsing?" asked Seamus as he picked his nose, "Is it a place where demons sing happy songs while doing good for the better of the world?"
"No, Seamus, it's where weak people go to die."
"Let's see what my Pokedex has to say about it!" said Pete with an out of character tone of childish excitement
Hellsing dimension
A dark type Pokémon with the ability to FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!
*Pokedex explodes*
"Well wasn't that fucking enlightening." muttered Adam, "But there is a real problem now. Just us three ARE NOT enough people to take on both Bobert and the Hellsing dimension alone. I wonder if Rj or Nirali got awesome powers while we were gone."
"You got it." replied Pete as he turned the dials to located Rj Cepok, "He's still in the original Dimension, where nothing fun ever happens."
Adam picked up a spare Portal disc and walked through the main portal. Blue flooded his vision again and the trip was over. He stood on top of some debris from the school.
"Rj?" cried Adam, "Where are you man?"
A bunch of wood shifted and Rj's head popped out, "EY! ADAM!" he cried excitedly
"Rj, you have any special powers yet?" asked Adam bluntly
"…wut?"
"Never mind then," responded Adam with boredom apparent in his voice, "What happened to the school? Where's Nirali?"
"I don't know the answer to either of those questions."
Nirali climbed over some debris and coughed, "It was some long haired gu-"
"Chris?" Cut off Adam, "Not surprised, now he's the kinda guy who'd have super awesome badass powers in this situation."
"You two…know each other?" asked Nirali as she brushed some dust and grit from her arms
"Heck yes," said Adam, "That guy's totally insane, that alone gives me more in common with him than with you people."
"Uh huh, by the way we're out of food." Interjected Rj as he got up and revealed his massive waistline.
"OH GOD MAN!" cried Adam and Nirali in unison, "WHAT THE HELL?"
Adam and Nirali looked at each other, "That was…"
"….weird?"
"Question mark?"
"Yes."
A sudden change in temperature struck the group, frost at their mouths and noses.
"The hell?" asked Adam as he shivered, "What's with this weather?"
"It's him! He's back!" cried Nirali as a dark cloud of evil descended in front of them
"I…AM…OZ!" yelled a deep, booming voice from the cloud
"Cut the shit, Chris." Responded Adam with a scowl, "And cut the 'cloud of darkness' thing too."
The cloud disappeared and was replaced with the long haired teenager.
"Did you ever find Cthulhu?" asked Adam with genuine curiosity
Chris motioned to his left just as Chibi Cthulhu walked into the sunlight. His shrunken wings quivered in fear whenever Chris moved. Adam stared at the Chibi Cthulhu for a second before falling to the ground in laughter.
"AHAAHAAAAHAHAHHAHAAA!" Adam rolled around while clutching his side, "THAT'S TOO PRICELESS!"
Chibi Cthulhu blushed a pale blue, "May the dark claws of insanity one day tear your flesh and subsequently-"
"AHAAAHHAAAAAAAAAHAAAA(lol)!" screamed Adam as Chibi Cthulhu hung his head in defeat
"I didn't know that Adam was capable of laughing this much…" said Seamus in a quiet voice as he and Pete watched the scene from a screen in the facility
"Seems he found a strong one though." Commented Pete, "Chris will be instrumental in the upcoming battle."
"I like turtles!" replied Seamus with a giggle before his face turned completely serious, "And turtles like me."
Chris shrugged and started laughing too, Adam slowly stopped laughing as Chris continued. The man threw his head back and his arms into the air, still laughing, but maniacally now.
"Why are you laughing?" asked Adam
"Not sure…" said Chris, who instantly stopped laughing and placed his hand on his chin to think about it
In the far away Hellsing Dimension, Bobert Mercer put down his pen and closed a black book before walking out of the room and into the hallway, he smiled to himself as he closed the door.
"GRAHHAA!" cried Rj as he clutched his chest in pain, "WHAT THE FU-"
Rj's head slammed against the wooden debris beneath him, foamy drool slid out of his mouth.
"What the fuck just happened?" asked Adam, "Why is Rj dead?"
"Looked like he had a heart attack!" explained Chris, "You don't think…?"
Back in the Resident evil dimension, Pete's eyes grew wide, "No…no way!"
"What is it?" asked Seamus, "Why's Rj sleeping?"
"D-D-D-D…" Pete stuttered
"Death note!" screamed Adam, "Bobert got his hands on a Death note!"
Information tab #2
Death Note: The human whose name is written in this note shall die.
This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.
If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen.
If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack.
After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.
"This game just became sudden death." Said Bobert as he walked down the hallway of the Hellsing organization's base, "It's your move, 'hero'"
Further down the hall, a dark body stirred, a hunched over person with a hungry look walked up behind Bobert. The figure clasped his hands behind his back and smiled.
"My lord," asked the figure in a deep voice, "What is your bidding?"
"Pay them a visit, show them who's really holding all the pieces in this game." Commanded Bobert bluntly, "And…give a special welcome to Mr. Pete, show him what happens when you double cross me."
"How are we supposed to fight back from this?" asked Adam out loud, "He knows all of our names and faces! We're done for!"
"Stop worrying," said Pete over the comm., "I just realized that you, Rob, Seamus, and I are not humans, the likes of which are the only beings the death note can kill."
"Eh?"
"The viruses we took, they shut down our human bodily functions, and technically our hearts aren't even beating right now."
Adam put his hand on his chest and realized Pete was right when he felt no beating.
"That's great, but what about the others?" asked Adam
"Becky and the rest aren't helping us, so Bobert probably won't go for them."
"But what about Chris here?"
"I'm not human either." Said Chris as he brushed part of his cloak beside, revealing rows of green gills and toothy protrusions, "My body functions by feeding off humankind's anguish and insanity, my heart is nothing but sand right now."
"Wouldn't that hurt?"
"It's an expression."
"Uh huh"
Nirali screamed as a portal opened behind Chris and Adam, the latter two completely unaware of its presence. A long, slender arm with a clawed hand grew, followed by a rotten-gray head and a serrated smile that made Nirali collapse in fear. Chibi Cthulhu took a step back, his green tentacles bristling with excitement and anxiousness.
"This one's strong," said Cthulhu in that gurgled voice of his, "Be careful, Bakemono."
"Did he just speak Japanese?" questioned Adam, "Did the tentacle monster just speak Japanese?"
"Yeah, he called me by my literal name, Bakemono, or shape shifter." Answered Chris, "Since I gained Cthulhu's old powers, shape shifting is the only ability I've figured out. And I've only got one other form to use, it's not pretty either."
The figure reached into his white cloak and pulled out a huge sword, three feet across and seven feet from hilt to tip. He smiled wickedly, licking the blade with a gray, pointed tongue. He threw the sword onto his shoulder and pointed at Adam with a gray, clawed finger.
"Where was he hiding that thing?" asked Adam
"You," said the figure, "You've been marked by Bobert, lord of dimensions and rightful ruler of all that is."
"And he's so lazy that he sends a piece of trash like you instead of fighting Adam by himself?" responded Chris, "Some ruler!"
"My name is Amarande." Said the figure, "You'd better remember my name, or I'll-"
"Make us regret it." Cut off Chris, "You're such a stereotypical villain! Let me guess, your name gives you a curse that gives you laser eyes or something?"
Amarande laughed, "You're half right, my name does give me a curse, but it certainly does not give me…'laser eyes'. It makes me immortal."
"Wait," Interrupted Chris, "Immortal as in eternal youth?"
"Immortal as in you get old but don't die from?" asked Nirali
"Or Immortal as in you just plain can't die?" finished Adam
"The first and the last. Why would you even want the second one?" responded Amarande with an amused smirk, making Nirali frown in rejection.
"Well then," started Chris, "If Cthulhu's correct, and you really are strong, then this will be a great opportunity for me to test my new powers!"
Adam nodded, "Perfect for me to test the new virus upgrades that Pete gave me too!"
"Should I be hiding or running?" asked Nirali, "You know what, I'll just do both."
She ran out of site and hid behind a pile of concrete and wood.
"Now then…" said Amarande as he took a stance, shifting the huge sword in front of his body, "Let's begin, shall we?"
Behind Amarande, another portal opened up and zombies started pouring out. A single gunshot pierced Amarande's head, sending him to the ground with a thud. The zombies scattered, as mindless as they are stupid, and Pete walked out. Seamus followed behind him, walking on all fours like an animal.
"I hate people who lie about being immortal." Said Pete as he pushed a bullet into his 13mm pistol's magazine to make up for the one he used on Amarande, "And I don't like it when authors never stop adding new characters, even if they are new bad guys."
"Well that was disappointing…"pouted Adam as he put his shotgun back into his trench coat thingy
"Yeah really!" added Chris, "I was gonna show off my new powers to the readers!"
"Stop mentioning the readers!" whispered Seamus, "We're not supposed to know about them!"
Behind the group, a zombie got cleaved in half, sending blood into the air like a fountain. Amarande stood up, just visible behind the shower of red, and pulled a bullet out of his skull. He dropped the bullet and laughed, getting back into the same stance as before.
"Err…" groaned Seamus, "Wasn't he dead a second ago?"
"Guess he wasn't joking about the immortality crap." Said Pete as he pulled out a second 13mm pistol, "Looks like you guys'll get your chances to show off after all."
Adam pulled out his magic shotgun again, pulling back the lever and aiming at Amarande's torso. Seamus inhaled and his forehead pulsed, veins were visible all over his face. Pete leveled his guns and posed like a boss. Chris drew him arms in next to his chest, and started glowing green as his hair started hovering in the air.
"Everyone ready?" asked Adam followed by a pause, "NOW!"
13mm rounds shot through the air and tore Amarande's arms to shreds, a shotgun blast made bb sized holes all over his chest; blood was flying through the air. Chris screamed in an inhuman tone, an animalistic cry of war, and his form changed from a human to a strange demon like entity; long claws and bladed tentacles for hair, with dull red skin and fangs dominating his face. He charged forward and ripped Amarande's spine from his body and followed up with a bite to the neck. Chris jumped back and Seamus exhaled, sending a massive blue laser from his forehead at what was left of Amarande. When the dust cleared, there was nothing but burnt debris and scorched body parts. The upper half of the zombie earlier dragged itself towards Pete, only to receive a shot in the head.
Pete turned towards Adam "How was that supposed to show off your powers?" he questioned, "All you did was shoot him once in the chest."
"Sounds like you don't appreciate my help!" complained Adam as he crossed his arms
"Well it's not that, but I mean Chris ripped the guy's spine out!" replied Pete, "Seamus shot a laser from his face, how do you expect to compete with that?"
"Shut up."
"Just sayin'"
"Hey guys?" interrupted Seamus, "I'm not the only one who's seeing this right?"
A cloud of blood and body parts was floating in the air where Amarande was standing.
"Oh great!" started Chris, "Now the blood and body parts will join together and Amarande won't even have a scratch on him. Typical!"
"Wrong." Came a voice from the cloud, "First I'm gonna make you monologue about how amazing and scary my ability is for about five minutes before I reform and go on to monologue about how amazing and scary my ability is and how scared you guys look."
"THAT'S EVEN MORE STEREOTYPICAL!" yelled Chris just before he dashed into the cloud of blood, "I WON'T ALLOW IT!"
Chris started slashing at drops of blood with his claws and kicking body parts back to the ground.
""Hey, wouldn't it be easier to just have Seamus shoot another laser at what's-his-name's remains, incinerating them and ending this fight?" asked Pete as Seamus collapsed in exhaustion from producing a laser which actually saps his natural energy to fire.
"Nah…" replied Adam, "It's more fun to watch Chris try and kill an immortal!"
Chris kicked an arm back onto the ground, only to have it start floating again a second later. He slapped blood out of the air, but despite his best efforts, Amarande reformed, throwing Chris backwards.
"Don't you think that after he absorbed the powers of a god-like being he'd be more formidable?" asked Seamus to Cthulhu
"Not really, other than that shape shifting power anyway," answered Cthulhu, "It took me several thousand years to realize my full potential, and I was born with those powers!"
Amarande picked up his sword again and swung at Chris, who dodged with a flip, cutting Amarande with his hair-blades at the same time. Amarande brought an overhead swing down on Chris, who took the hit to his armored forearms. They stood like that for a few moments, each trying to overpower the other, until Chris dashed to one side of the blade and threw his hand on top of the edge, both pinning the weapon to the ground and providing a support point as he kicked Amarande in the face with clawed feet. Amarande took a step back, the lacerations on his face sealed up almost instantly as he returned a kick back at Chris, sending him into the air.
"This is gonna take forever!" complained Adam as he teleported in front of Amarande, jamming his magic shotgun into Amarande's mouth. Without hesitation he pulled the trigger, blasting everything above Amarande's bottom jaw into oblivion.
"Hey!" said Chris, "I wasn't done with him yet!"
"Neither of us are done with him yet…" replied Adam as Amarande reformed again
Pete shot at Amarande, cutting holes through his elbows and knees, disabling him. Chris whipped his head and sections of his blade-hair shot out, wrapping around Amarande's torso and legs, disabling him.
"Okay." Said Adam, "Does anyone know how to kill an immortal?"
Pete shook his head, "In Naruto Shippuden, when the immortal Hidan was attacking everyone, they just blew him up and trapped his remains underground."
"That won't do, since he can reform like that." Said Chris, "But restraining him seems to be the best method so far."
"Yeah but I can't think of anything could hold him forever, let alone long enough for us to get out of here." Said Adam, "And speaking of which, Pete, you did bring a portal with you, right?"
"Eh?" replied Pete before his eyes went wide, "FUCK!"
"You forgot it, didn't you?"
"N-no," responded Pete as he thought up an excuse, "I-I told Seamus to get it for me!"
"Even if that were true, why would you entrust anything important" Chris motioned at Seamus, who was poking Amarande, "To that?"
"Oh wait," said Adam as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a disc, "I brought a spare, remember?"
"Oh that's good, so now we can get back to the resident evil dimension and-"
"WILL YOU PEOPLE HURRY UP AND STOP REPEATING OBVIOUS DIALOGE TO MAKE THE STORY SEEM LONGER!" screamed Chris, "IT'S SO DAMNED STEREOTYPICAL!"
"Shit, what's with you and stereotypes?" asked Seamus, "It's almost like you…"
Chris's eyes turned red and his claws grew longer.
"Never mind then…" muttered Seamus as he continued poking Amarande, who had fallen asleep.
"Looks like he's taking a nap." Stated Pete, "I wonder…"
He shot Amarande in the foot, resulting in no reaction whatsoever.
"HA!"
Back in the Hellsing dimension, Bobert frowned.
"You're joking around too much, Amarande." He muttered to himself, "I warned you what I might do if you didn't obey me punctually."
Bobert snapped his fingers.
"CYYAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Amarande as his eyes changed color to all black
"The fuck?" asked Adam as Amarande's skin started glowing visibly
"Is he an anime character or something?" asked Pete, "Why's he glowing like Goku with a firecracker up his ass?"
Chris pulled his blade-hair off Amarande quickly, catching his breath.
"Why'd you do that?" questioned Seamus
"His skin," started Chris, "It burned me. Almost like he's made of embers or something!"
Amarande's eyes glowed bright red as all the air around him heated up and condensed.
"IMMA FIRIN MAH…"
"Get down!" yelled Adam as he jumped behind a wall of concrete
Amarande screamed louder as two beams of condensed oxygen shot out of his eyes like lightning. The group dove for cover.
"I KNEW IT!" Yelled Chris as the debris around him melted, "I KNEW HE FIRED LASERS FROM HIS EYES!"
Seamus sucked in air and lifted his head above the debris, firing his own blue laser at Amarande. The immortal's legs disintegrated and the rest of him collapsed, his still active laser eyes caused havoc, cutting deep ravines all over the school's remains. Blood ran down from Seamus's nose and he held his head in pain.
"Seamus, are y-"
"He's fine." Cut off Adam, "Let's check on Amarande."
The immortal's laser had ceased, but he still crawled towards the group, hopping around on the stubs of his legs, which had not reformed.
"Looks like we have a way of killing him." Observed Pete
"But we might kill Seamus in the process." Added Seamus with a cough
"You're still talking in third person?" complained Adam, "It's been like seven chapters! NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!"
"Aren't you talking about the readers right now?" asked Chris
"No. I'm just talking about chapters; I could mean chapters of our lives. Maybe I'm weird like that!" Defended Adam
Amarande started punching Chris's green leg, knocking himself over in the process.
"Why's this guy still fighting?" wondered Chris out loud, "It's like he's gone into a total bloodlust…"
"Bobert." Explained Pete, "He must have put some kind of control mechanism in this guy."
Nirali walked out from a ditch, "Is it over?"
She saw what was left of Amarande, crawling around like a Nazi Zombie, and shook her head while walking back into the ditch.
"Well now, I think we've spent enough time playing around in this boring old place." Said Adam as he pulled out the portal disc and set in down
"Let's go back and then head out to Hellsing to fight Bobert!" cheered Pete, "Even though my character was supposed to be egotistical and only want to further his own gains through manipulation and 13mm bullets!"
"Yes, away to help Adam on his quest!" said Chris, "Even though I'm supposed to be a power-hungry fiend on the path to world domination and the slaughter of mankind!"
"Carrots!" Added Seamus with a lopsided grin
The group walked through the portal and it closed behind them. Nirali walked out of the ditch again.
"Guys are we ready to leave yet?" asked Nirali, "Guys?"
She looked at the portal disc on the ground.
"HARRY POTTER HERE I COME!" she yelled as he opened the portal and jumped in. In reality, she'd set the portal to the Charlie Sheen dimension. Don't count on seeing her again.
Robert walked down a rugged and shrub-covered path. He knew this road: it's from the beginning of Resident evil 4.
"This shouldn't be too bad." He said to himself, "After all, I'm the foremost videogame expert in my dimension, and Resi 4 was one of my favorites. Well besides Ashley that is."
He stopped to pick up an axe, and then he realized that he had no weapons. He started sweating as memory flashed back. All throughout Resi 4, Leon had always carried a gun, and without one Leon was near useless. 'And now I'm just as useless as that blonde idiot!' He thought to himself, 'I'm doomed!'
Just ahead of him, Rob heard screamed of terror and the sound of flesh being torn from bone. He recognized those sounds as a result of hanging out with Adam too much. He stiffened his grip on the axe and ran down the pathway to see what was ahead. The axe dropped out of his hand as a regenerator made sniffing noises and shuffled towards him.
"Why the hell are you here?" asked Rob to the mindless flesh being, "You're not supposed to appear until much later!"
The regenerator stopped moving and threw his hands into the air before looking straight at Rob and smiling.
"I'm hear 'cause…" The regenerator struck a pose, "EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'!"
"Oh come on!" yelled Rob as the regenerator and all the villagers started Shufflin'.
Information tab #3
Shufflin' - The act of being amazing.
"And on that note, we're ready to leave." Said Pete as he finished toning the portal to bring them to Hellsing dimension, "Brilliant idea, using Rob as filler."
"Yeah, good job thinking of that, Author!" said Adam
"THANKS, ADAM, I WISH PEOPLE WOULD COMPLIMENT MY WORK MORE OFTEN *HINT HINT, COUGH COUGH*" Boomed the Author
"No problem, author! If you weren't around, none of us would be!" said Adam with a broad smile
"Is he okay?" whispered Seamus, "He's not supposed to be happy and appreciative!"
"Seamus," said Adam, "You just whispered that to me."
"Well, yeah, I'm asking your opinion." Replied Seamus with a stern look
"Well, first to the finish then?" approved Adam
The two started running very quickly away from the group, Adam teleported forward while Seamus simple sprinted on all fours like an animal. Dust kicked up and filled the air, when it fell; Adam and Seamus were carrying Light Yagami over their shoulders.
Chris's features finally returned to normal as his jaw dropped.
"What the hell just happened?" asked Pete
The two dropped Yagami on the ground and high-fived.
"YEAH!" they said in unison
"What the hell?" yelled Yagami as he squirmed on the ground, "I don't even know you people!"
Seamus's face turned serious, "It was obviously you who murdered Rj Cepok."
"Wha…"
"OBJECTION!" Yelled Seamus while pointing an accusing finger at Yagami, "I have conclusive evidence that it was you!"
"But…"
"HOLD IT!" screamed Seamus as he pulled out a notebook, "Is this your death note?"
"No-"
"TAKE THAT!"
"BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN A DEATHNOTE!" pointed out Yagami, "It's a fucking Spanish class binder! You probably pulled that out of the rubble of this school!"
"OVERRULED!" yelled Adam, "You may continue, Mr. Seamus."
"Thank you, your honor. Light Yagami, you used this Death note to kill Rj Cepok, now you face your crimes, what say you!"
"You're all idiots." Said Yagami with a look of disinterest, he pulled out the real Death note, "This is the real deal right here. Not that piece of trash in your filthy hands, you worm."
"VOCALIZED LAWYER STEREOTYPE!" Yelled Seamus, "I know that you have, in your possession, multiple Death notes!"
"Yes, but not in my possession, and why don't I get a lawyer, and who's the prosecutor?"
"That would be me." Said Adam
"WAIT, YOU'RE THE JUDGE AND THE PROSECUTOR?" screamed Light, "Can I PLEASE have a lawyer!"
"Gotcha." Said Amarande as he reformed behind Light
"Well, now we can have a legitimate…wait…" said Adam as he glanced at a smiling Amarande
"GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!" yelled Adam as he slammed his magic gavel on a piece of wood
Amarande got sucked into a jail dimension and Light ran away quickly, while yelling something about apples.
"Does anyone have any idea what the hell just happened?" yelled Pete, "Why did we just have a court case! Why was Light Yagami here? And why the fuck was Seamus a lawyer?"
"I've no idea what you're on about," said Alexander Anderson, "You protestant fuck-bucket."
"Wow, I think that was the most blatant and overt use of plagiarism in this entire story." Said Chris, "Thank you Takahata101 and Team FourStar."
"Isn't it TeamFourStar, you know, without a space?" asked Adam, "Wait, what're we doing."
"The last few paragraphs haven't furthered the plot at all." Said Chris with a frown
"Boy, what the hell is a plot?" asked Adam, "Oh and thank you Purpleeyeswtf and LittleKuriboh for that one."
"STOP QUOTING YOUTUBE VIDEOS!" yelled Seamus to the sky, "AUTHOR! DAMN YOU!"
"Is it strange to like turtles?" asked Pete innocently
"OVER NINE THOUSAND!" yelled Seamus as he fired his lazar
"Son of a bitch." Said Adam, "We've degenerated into nothing more than internet memes…"
Cthulhu opened up the portal, "Quickly, to the Hellsing dimension! AWAAAAY!"
They all ran through the portal. Then everything went white.
Chris felt a throbbing pain on his head; he reached up and screamed in pain when he touched his swollen and bruised forehead. His eyes opened for a moment, a brief glance of a gray wall and blood. He heard footsteps coming towards him, a step, and then a dragging sound.
"It's a ghoul." Though Chris, "I can smell the putrid flesh from here."
He rolled over as best he could, keeping his head off the floor, and opened his eyes again. The footsteps grew louder, and a horrid moan flew by. His vision faltered as flashes of white and black blurred the scene before him. Everyone lay in piles of blood in front of him. Seamus, Pete, Adam, everyone looked dead. Seamus was missing an arm, Adam was face down in blood, and Pete was covered in slashes. With strained effort, Chris looked at the Ghoul. It was green-gray, with tentacles hanging off in random places.
"C-Cth-ulu…" forced Chris, blood dripping from his mouth, "H-help." He stretched out his hand
But Cthulhu looked rabid, green liquid gushed from his maw. He held his left arm, which hung as his side like a giant green piece of meat.
"Give it…" muttered Cthulhu, "Give it back…"
He reached for Chris, who tried to push himself back until he noticed he couldn't feel his legs at all. No numbness, no pain, like they didn't exist. His vision cleared and he saw his legs, they were in a bloody heap across the hallway. The stumps of his legs were charred over, like someone had taken a blowtorch to them.
"Give it back." Said Cthulhu, a sharp bone appendage grew from his palm and made its way towards Chris, aimed at his face.
"I can't move." Thought Chris as fear overtook him "Why can't I move!"
Cthulhu stopped for a moment and threw up more viscous green fluid, wheezing like a smoker. Farther down the hall, Pete stirred and lifted a 13mm pistol.
"Chris!" sputtered Pete, "Duck!"
The shot rang out and blew a hole in Cthulhu's slimy chest, the demon-god's features tensed and he collapsed. Pete's gun clanked onto the floor as he lost consciousness again, Chris started dragging himself across the stony floor. Veins of anguish shot through his body with every movement, his head touched the floor for a moment, and he let out another scream.
The sound awoke Seamus, who twitched and convulsed on the floor, knocking into Adam, who didn't react. Chris continued dragging himself towards the others, intent on doing something, anything, to help save everyone. Then a voice rang out, it belonged to Adam.
"I was fool to think that we could come here without consequences." He said, "Our story wasn't hardcore enough to come to the Hellsing dimension without hurting its characters. How the hell did Bobert…"
He couched up more blood.
"How the hell did Bobert come here and not get damaged as well?"
Chris's vision blurred again and he blacked out.
"What fools." Said Bobert as he walked down the hallway, dodging the blood and bodies.
"To think they actually tried to defeat us." Said a dark figure behind Bobert, "I think this has taught them who really holds the power in this story."
Bobert nodded, "Indubitably."
"Don't fucking steal my lines." Said Pete as he rolled over and gasped for air, "You bastards have no idea who you're dealing with."
Bobert and the Figure started laughing. Pete joined in too.
"Wait, why are you laughing?" asked Bobert
"Because…" forced Pete as he pulled out a small, black device with a button on it, "Art…"
Bobert's eyes widened and he turned around quickly, "Come, we should leave, now."
Pete's hands shook as he lifted the glass box around the button, a portal opened and both Bobert and the figure walked through it and disappeared.
"Damn." Said Pete as he pushed the safety box back down, "And I was all pumped up to use my copyright infringing one-liner."
"Too bad." Muttered Adam, "That would have been a cool way to go out."
Another portal opened up and Amarande walked out of it. He stood over Seamus and lifted his sword. Pete and Adam were stunned and couldn't move. The sword fell and pierced Seamus through the chest, Amarande started laughing.
"SEAMUS!" yelled Adam as he pulled out the magic shotgun and blasted Amarande's head off. But it was too late, the sword of fate had fallen and Seamus was gone.
"Not." Said Seamus as he grabbed the blade and pulled it out with one hand, "Did you really think you could kill me with such a pathetic weapon."
Pete's jaw dropped, "G-seamus?"
"How the fuck did you think I was able to fire lasers in the first place?" Said Seamus, "But no, G-seamus is gone, part of him did, however, imprint on my psyche."
Blue beams of light grew from Seamus and reached out to all the members of the group. Chris's legs reattached and Pete's slashes sealed up. The gaping hole in Cthulhu's chest closed and his tentacle beard twitched. Adam sat up and exhaled deeply in a sigh of relief.
"I don't remember G-seamus having healing abilities." Said Pete as he picked up his 13mm pistol and wiped blood off it.
"Thanks to me," said Amarande, "Now he does."
The immortal was slowly disintegrating, "I passed a portion of my power to him when I stabbed him. Now you can defeat Bobert and restore the Hellsing dimension to what it used to be…"
His body was swept away into the moonlight and everyone got up. Chris smacked Cthulhu on the back of his head.
"Bad Chibi-Cthulhu!"
"Sorry, I was desperate."
Bobert smashed his hand through a table and screamed in rage.
"DAMN HIM!" he yelled, "DAMN THAT PETE, HE TRICKED ME!"
The dark figure in the background chuckled, "You seem rather upset by this little delay in our plan."
Bobert threw the table off his hand and brushed off his arm, "You're right, this makes no difference."
"Yes," said the figure, "Now we can begin."
Bobert plucked a splinter from his palm and looked at the figure.
"You really thought of everything, didn't you?" said Bobert, "With your planning, the multi-verse will be ours for sure!"
Pete Griffin walking through the doorway and stopped to look at the two.
"Why the hell are you people in my room?"