I presented xX-Misty with three (very similar) options for the ending. She chose this one.

Chapter 10: Memorial

11 April, 1993

They stared silently at the little plot of gravestones, now slightly weatherworn, but the words still clearly etched.

"Ten years," Alex murmured quietly, looking at her watch. "Ten years ago, right now, he was still alive."

Kayleigh put her hands on Alex's shoulders, resting her chin on one of her hands. She knew that all Alex needed right now was the closeness of her body; no words would be able to help her right now.

Alex stared at the gravestones, appreciating Kayleigh's closeness. For a moment, she swore she saw Gene standing behind his grave, staring at her with a mournful expression, but when she blinked, he disappeared. She felt tears in her eyes, and let them fall freely. Usually she could get past her feelings, but she had already decided that today was a day of mourning, and she didn't need to be strong in front of Kayleigh.

"It's been ten years," she murmured. "I still miss him."

Kayleigh still said nothing, something which Alex appreciated. They had only been together for a few years, but they already knew each other inside and out. Kayleigh knew when Alex was just simply expressing herself, without need of confirmation.

Alex stared at the grave, back to the flower in her hands. A blue orchid, just like when she had laid the first flower on Gene's grave all those years ago. She looked around at the gravestones, which had been covered by flowers on the little plot. The cold slabs of stone were hardly ever bare, families always looking after them, laying flowers in memorial of the loved ones they lost too soon. The only ones that remained bare were Poirot's, because his only surviving family member had died only months after him, and Gene's, whose only family was Elaine, and she did not come down from Manchester to tend the grave.

However, today, something had been laid on his grave. She looked at it, smiling when she realised what it was. Alex picked up the flask, unscrewing the top and smelling it.

Single-malt. She smiled, screwing the lid back on and setting it down by his grave. She laid the orchid next to the flask.

"I know you hate poncey flowers," she murmured. "But at least you've got some whiskey to offset that, right?"

She stood, staring fondly down at the grave when a memory came unbidden to her.

She was sitting at her desk, a migraine working its way across her skull. She had been staring at paperwork for hours on end, and was just longing for a call to come in just so she could get out of the office for a bit.

She felt as though someone was watching her. Alex looked up, glancing into Gene's office. He was staring at her intensely, smoke rising from the cigarette in his fingers. A glass of whiskey sat in front of him, ignored. He knew she was looking at him, but he continued to stare at her shamelessly, smoking.

Alex had no idea how long she had remained, staring at him. Eventually, Ray had shot a pencil across the room at her, breaking her from her reverie, from Gene's hypnotising eyes. They had not mentioned it later that night.

That was the last full day they had worked together.

Alex let her tears drip on his grave for a moment before turning to Kayleigh. "Let's go home," she murmured. "I need to get ready for tonight."

The drive home was silent. Alex was thankful that they had decided to take the car rather than the tube. She wanted the silence, and being crowded in with people would have been too much.

They parked in front of Kayleigh's house, where another, familiar car was parked. Carrie was outside, accompanied by Michael.

"Please don't tell me you left Katherine in there alone," Alex said. Carrie smiled. She had become more accepting of their relationship and accepted Alex as another parental figure. Michael and Ella had done the same, and they were very close.

"Katherine is being entertained by Ella. She's doing some dramatic reading of her poetry or something." Carrie rolled her eyes. "I had to get out. It was too irritating."

"You need to support your sister," Kayleigh said.

"I will when her poetry isn't crap."

Michael laughed, kicking a football, which narrowly missed Carrie's face.

"You little..." Carrie got up angrily, chasing her brother around the garden, but there was no real venom in her chase.

Kayleigh and Alex merely laughed, going inside to leave them to sort things out. They heard Ella's voice talking to Katherine.

"I wanted to talk about the depression," Ella said. "Some of this was pieced together from my own experience, but some of it was from Alex too."

Alex stopped Kayleigh, wanting to listen to the poem. Ella had suffered from depression for a few years, and Katherine, who was too close to the family to be a therapist, had suggested someone for them. Ella had gotten though it, but Alex knew that it would come back to haunt her, just like her depression had done for the past ten years.

They heard Ella start reading dramatically.

I am the silent

I am what you don't see

I am the darkness hovering

Even when you laugh, I am there, waiting.

I wait for you to be alone

I wait for you to settle down

I wait for you to be tired

And then I attack you.

I love it when you are weak

I love it when you are scared

I love it when you are broken

And if you are not, I will make it so.

I'm always lurking

I'm always waiting

I'm always just behind you

Watching you try to interact.

I will make you stop

I will make you over think

I will make you convince yourself everyone hates you

And then I will laugh, because I'm doing my job.

I hate your happiness

I hate your relationships

I hate you

And I need you to know that.

I want to see you suffer

I want to see you in total misery

I want to see you disappear

And I will coax you into doing so.

I can make you take that knife

I can make you take that rope

I can make you take those pills

Because I know exactly what to say to make you do it.

I will watch your body go limp

I will watch your chest go still

I will watch your eyes dilate

And I will feel the ultimate satisfaction.

I have done it

I have defeated you

I have won

And I will move on to my next victim.

Alex stood there silently. How could a sixteen year old girl describe it so perfectly? Kayleigh stared at her silently, but she said nothing, instead walking in to where Katherine was sitting. Katherine looked just as disconcerted at this young girl's words as Alex felt.

"That was very good, Ella. Amazing," Katherine said honestly.

Ella blushed. "Thanks. I just threw it together one night feeling more down."

"It describes it perfectly," Alex answered honestly, surprising Ella, who hadn't noticed that they had walked into the room.

Ella looked down at the ground, pleased. "I suppose you want to talk to Katherine alone."

Alex nodded. "If that's okay. Carrie and Michael are in the front."

Ella rolled her eyes, which were covered in heavy eyeliner. "I think I'll stay upstairs."

Alex smiled as she walked out of the room. Ella was much more introverted than her brother and sister, and spent most of her time in her room.

Katherine smiled as Alex sat down. "You ready for tonight?"

"I've had trouble with the speech. What do they want me to say?"

"Just discuss how far you've come, how you've found hope."

Alex frowned a moment, before getting up off the couch and going upstairs to Ella's room. She knocked on the door, and when Ella told her to enter, she did.

"I loved your poem," Alex said.

Ella blushed again. "Thanks," she murmured.

Alex sat down on Ella's bed. "I was wondering...can I use that tonight?"

Ella looked surprised. "What?"

"That is the best portrayal of what I went through, Ella. I want to read it tonight before my speech."

Ella considered it before smiling. "Why not. Go ahead."

She gave Alex the crumpled paper and Alex smiled. "Thank you," she said, hugging the girl.

Alex went downstairs, telling Katherine and Kayleigh that she was going to get ready. They were going with her tonight as well, so Katherine dismissed herself to get ready as well.

A few hours later, they were standing in a large room that the Met had provided. Someone had come up with the idea of a memorial for the officers murdered in the Massacre, and they had decided to do it on the ten year anniversary. Families had been invited, and Alex had been asked to speak about her experience. She was starting a job at the Met in a few weeks to speak of her experience to new recruits, and to help those traumatised by any events. She looked forward to the job.

Alex looked through the sea of faces. She recognised only some of them, but she knew that all of them recognised her. The woman who lived. The sole survivor of what killed their family members.

Alex wanted to turn around immediately and walk out. She didn't want to face any of them, couldn't face them, but Katherine gave her a nudge to walk forward.

As she walked forward, more people noticed her. Although she was expecting disgust or anger from their faces, everyone smiled at her warmly, introducing themselves, telling whom their family member was.

She felt her heart break when she met Tegan Simpson and Finley Waters. The two boys were only nine. They had never known their fathers.

At the end of the line was a lone woman, seeming to be in her early fifties. She had brown hair down to her shoulders and huge blue eyes. She looked weary and exhausted now, but Alex could tell that when she was in her twenties she was a great beauty. The woman finally approached her and smiled.

"Alex Drake," she said, the Mancunian accent ringing clear. This meant that she was related Chris, Ray, or Gene. "I know all about you of course, but I doubt you know who I am."

Alex shook her head apologetically. "I never met many of CID's families. They were too raucous to have a party and bring families to it."

The woman smiled. "You wouldn't have met me at a party anyway. I'm Elaine. Gene's ex-wife."

Alex was unsure of what to say. Finally, she was able to think of something. It might seem rude, but it was better than the awkward silences. "I wish I could say that I'd heard more about you, but Gene never talked about Manchester."

"I'm not surprised," Elaine said honestly. "You couldn't get anything about that man's past even when he was pissed. He was an enigma."

"You were very kind about him in your biography for the book."

Elaine smiled. "At the time, it seemed so awful, living with him. But your perspectives change when you don't live with them anymore." She looked down, smiling sadly.

"I don't regret divorcing him. We weren't meant for each other, better off as friends. Hell, we were still amiable when we divorced. He'd ring me or I'd ring him occasionally. He told me about you. Frustrating and annoying, but there was a tone to it. You didn't piss him off. Well, you did, but he didn't mind it.

"When I got word of what happened down here, I was stunned. I had hoped to see you at his funeral, but you weren't there. I read the book and realised where you were. I'm sorry you had to miss it. I really wanted to drop by to visit you, but I didn't think that was wise. Surely you had someone to look after you. You wouldn't want Gene's ex to come sauntering in the room."

Alex nodded softly. "You'd have encountered a very different person."

"I know you won't believe this, because we've only met tonight, but I'm proud of you Alex. You've risen so high from where you were in the beginning. You got the proper help."

Alex opened her mouth to speak, but Elaine cut her off. "Yes, only because you were in hospital, but Gene wouldn't have even tried to go back to the force. If he was in your shoes, he would have stayed drunk until he died of alcohol poisoning."

"I nearly did that too."

"But you didn't. You got the help you needed. You're so strong, Alex, and you don't even realise it."

Alex smiled, and Elaine hugged her.

Dinner was being laid out on the tables, and she took her seat with Katherine and Kayleigh, happy to find out that Elaine sat with her. At each table, one or two seats sat empty depending on how many families were occupying the table. They had set it up so that partner's families would sit together. Ray's family was sat at Alex's table, so they had two empty seats. One for Gene, and one for Ray. It was a sombre reminder of the lives lost.

They finished eating, and a man came up to a podium, in the front of the room.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Ten years ago, the unimaginable happened. No one believed the reports at first. But then, as more filtered in, the unimaginable became reality. These twelve men and women behind me," he said gesturing to photos of her friends, "were murdered in cold blood to try and release a man from jail. DCI Hunt wouldn't back down, costing the lives of himself and his colleagues. They died upholding the law, true heroes. And from the carnage of that day, one person escaped, arguably the biggest hero of all. She came from ultimate despair to find happiness, finding herself able even to have a man write a book about it. She didn't take the cheques for it, instead, having the proceeds donated to the Police Widows and Orphans fund. Here to tell us her story tonight, in case you haven't read it already, is former Detective Inspector Alex Drake."

The room started to clap politely and Alex stood, taking a deep breath in.

She walked to the podium, staring nervously at the room of people. She was glad her back was turned to the pictures. She didn't think that she could give this speech staring into the faces of all of her dead friends.

She cleared her throat, looking at Elaine Hunt, who smiled encouragingly. Alex still couldn't believe how nice she had been. She focused on Katherine and Kayleigh, and both of them smiled encouragingly as well. Kayleigh gave her a small thumbs up and Alex smiled. Katherine nodded, telling her that she could do it, just as she had done with James a few years ago. Alex took a deep breath. She was stronger than she was in 1987. She could do this. Who cared if it was CID's families? They didn't hate her for surviving what their family members didn't; they wouldn't hate her for speaking honestly.

"Ten years ago, the most horrible thing imaginable happened to everyone in this room. They lost someone very close to them. A dad, a lover, a son, a daughter, a brother, a sister. Everyone lost someone. I lost my very best friends. And by losing them, I lost myself. I have built a life back up, but it took years to do, and the help of people who just wouldn't give up.

"This morning, after visiting the gravesite, my partner's daughter was reciting poetry to the woman who used to be my therapist. She read a poem, and it struck a chord with me. With her permission, I'm reading it again tonight."

Alex read through the poem, feeling the power of the words reaching the crowd. She looked nervously at Katherine and Kayleigh, who nodded at her to continue.

"This is the most accurate portrayal of depression I have ever seen. This is exactly what it did to me. I had watched my colleagues, your family members, die, and I felt guilty that I was still alive. I knew I had no right. I knew all of you would be angry at me. What right did I have to live when I had no one connect me to the world? I had no daughter. I had no husband. No mother, no father, no sisters or brothers. No one. So when I woke up in that hospital room, still hazy from anaesthetic, I knew that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

"A month after it happened, that was the first attempt I took on my life. I was seeing Gene everywhere. He stayed in my flat, trying to reason with me to stop drinking, to try and get me to stop seeing him, to listen to my psychologist. I knew it was just the reasonable side of my mind trying to get me to see sense, but I didn't want sense. I wanted Gene back. I wanted CID back, my job, my friends.

"And then he referred to himself in the past tense. And I got angry. I threw a bottle of vodka at the wall, and was getting ready to burn myself to death when someone stopped me. My therapist, a woman I hated, had known that something was wrong when I went into the session that day. She sent someone to check up on me."

Alex swallowed, looking at Katherine, feeling bad admitting her hatred of her, but Katherine had known. Katherine had always known that Alex had hated her in the beginning. Alex had always made that very clear anyway.

She looked into the back of the room. Gene was standing back there, staring at her with his intense blue eyes. She blinked, but he didn't disappear.

It's just because all these people are here, she thought. He's only appearing because I'm reliving everything.

Alex took a deep breath and continued to speak.

"I spent seven months in a psychiatric hospital. Six of those long months, I hardly spoke to anyone, I hardly did anything. Gene kept appearing to me, trying to get me to talk to the therapist whose name I still didn't know. Something in me changed one day, and I asked her to go see Gene's grave. Something that I hadn't seen at all. I was in too critical of a condition to go to anyone's funeral and I didn't want to acknowledge that he was dead. But when I went that day, it was only then that I started to move past things.

"I finally stopped seeing Gene. I learned my therapist's name, and she's become one of my closest friends now. I left the hospital, I got a job. I passed the year anniversary with only a small blip of not wanting to get out of bed. But compared to before, it was nothing.

"But then I regressed. I had blocked out the fact that my daughter died because of police work, and for some reason, it came back to me in a rush. I tried to kill myself again, a quick slice, but Katherine was there to stop me, to get me medical attention when the blade went down my skin. And I was angry. I was angry that I had done that to myself. I had come so far, and there I was, back at square one..."

She looked up. Everyone was hanging onto her every word, and there were tears in some people's eyes. In the back of the room, Gene was still there, and Chris, Shaz and Ray had joined him. They all looked mournful, walking forward to sit next to their families.

"After I spent another month in hospital, I came out determined to never go back. My tiny baby steps had become strides. I got asked to tell my story. I fell in love. I still had my dark days, but they weren't as black as before.

"I had found hope. I had tried for so long and I finally found the light. I found the reason in living."

All of CID was there now, every person whose picture was on the wall behind her. They were sitting in the seats left open for them, looking at their families, their children, with wonder mingled with incredible sadness. Even Gene had gone into the crowd, sitting in the empty seat next to Elaine, his lips pushed up into a pout and his blue eyes sparkling. He was wearing his trademark cowboy boots, his trousers, and the white shirt with the black and red striped tie. There was no jacket, just like when he had been murdered ten years ago. He had taken it off only ten minutes before the men had barged into CID.

She stared at the crowd which had grown by a dozen. Only one seat was empty now, and that was hers.

Slightly disturbed, Alex cleared her throat and continued.

"Once upon a time, a client I had told me that if I were alive, I could feel. If I couldn't feel, I wouldn't be. And I can still feel. I could feel all that time. I thought I had gone numb to the world, when in reality, the extreme pain told me differently. But I was still afraid. If I did find the light, would all of them have died for nothing? Would I forget them?

"The answer of course is no. Everyone from that CID still lives in my heart. I still love each and every one of them, just as you still love your family member. And it took finding the hope to realise that.

"I have come to realise from this experience, that there is hope in every circumstance, a chance to come out stronger than ever before. I am much stronger than I was ten years ago. I am a completely different person. And I don't mind that. I love that I am this person. It was a hard path to get here, and if I could go back and save CID, I would. But I can't help but wonder what kind of woman I would be if I had not gone through that terror.

"I would like to raise my glass to my colleagues, to your family members. May they continue to rest in peace."

All of CID turned to look at her, and suddenly, her glass was falling from her grasp. The faces in the crowd turned from sorrowful to fearful, and she couldn't figure out why, until she crumpled to the floor, the pain suddenly waving violently in her chest.

Her breath felt short and ragged, but it was silent around her. She knew people were screaming, she could see them, but she could not hear them.

Kayleigh's face appeared over hers, worried tears falling from her eyes, splashing onto Alex's face.

Sound suddenly came back, and the screams erupted in her ears. It was all loud. Too loud. Much too loud.

Katherine appeared next to Kayleigh. Both had tears and fear in their eyes. Kayleigh picked up Alex's head, resting it in her lap as Katherine pressed her dinner napkin against Alex's wound, causing more pain. Alex grunted, but that was the only sound that she could make. The ability to say words escaped her.

Her eyelids started to feel heavy as she realised that the bullet wound felt much closer to her heart than the one she had received ten years ago had.

"You've got to hang on, Alex," Katherine said, but everything was starting to sound muffled.

"You can't, Alex," Kayleigh said. "The ambulance is on its way. Stay with me."

She was trying. God, she was trying to stay with Kayleigh. She had so much to live for. To fight for.

But the coldness was settling in.

Kayleigh and Katherine continued to plead with her, but Alex realised that everything was starting to feel numb.

If you can feel, you're alive. When you don't, you're not.

Was she dying then? Finally, after her struggle, had it all been for nothing?

"You're not going to see me anymore, Bolly. Not until the day that you die. I'll come back and get you."

"Christ," she whispered, but it may have only been in her mind. Everything had fallen silent once more. She had seen Gene all day. Did that mean...?

Heavy footfalls were drawing closer to her, the only sound she could hear. Suddenly, Gene appeared over her. He knelt down next to her, his silvery blue eyes glittering intensely.

"It's time to go, Alex."

He held out his hand to help her up, and she grabbed it, getting onto her feet, observing the chaos that was still rampant in the room. Kayleigh and Katherine were still kneeling beside her body, covered in her blood. Kayleigh was sobbing, pressing her forehead against Alex's. Katherine looked utterly defeated, still pressing the cloth napkin to Alex's chest in shock. People were ducked under tables, but no one else had been hurt.

Two security guards had tackled a man to the ground, a gun a few feet in front of him. A silencer was attached, which explained why she didn't know what had happened until it was too late. CID had gathered by the door all waiting for them expectantly. They walked over to the group, where everyone was wearing a small sad smile.

"The order's been given upstairs, Bolly," Gene said. "It's time for you to join us."

"But Kayleigh," she murmured. "Katherine..."

Gene shook his head mournfully. "Just you."

The room faded around them, transforming into CID from ten years ago. It looked the same as ever, papers scattered everywhere, and all the pinup girls hanging from the walls. Alex breathed the smoky air deep into her lungs, smiling at the familiar scent.

She looked around the room, at all her old colleagues, when suddenly Ray smiled and started clapping. Everyone started to join in with him. She stood, stunned, the coppers welcomed her back.

"You should have died in that room ten years ago," Gene said, as she walked towards her old desk in disbelief. "But you didn't. You always were a stubborn cow. You hung on, and you became the most famous of us all." He offered a rare smile.

"The press is going to have a field day about this," she said, happy to be back, but agonised over the fact that she was now separated from Kayleigh. Now she was thinking of facts to distract herself from that. "Murdered on the ten year anniversary? Jesus Christ."

Gene shook his head, reaching his hand out for her. She took it and he started to speak as they all left the room together, through the main doors just like they had so many times before. "Doesn't matter anymore, Bolly," he said as they walked out, followed by CID. "Now, let's go have a drink. Luigi came back only last week."

Epilogue up next week.