He was at a bar a couple blocks from the hospital trying to drink away his sorrows. It was early afternoon so there wasn't a crowd at all, only the regulars and the alcoholics, he being the latter. He had to walk to the bar since his car was full of his stuff. The last thing he needed to be reminded about is how Cas was going to leave again. After he had his second shot, he got a message from Sam telling him he's taking the car and won't be back for a couple days. Obviously Sam was siding with ex-angel so he didn't bother to reply. He could use a break from his 'let's talk about our feelings' brother. Easy enough to find a room for himself, preferably one with magic fingers, go on a bender, or ever better, find a pretty girl. It's been a long ass time since he got laid, maybe all he needed some release.
After he had been disconnected from all the machines, Sam filled out the rest of his paperwork discharging him. They gave him some medications to take as he was on the mend but not full healed. Apparently Sam went back to his abode and got the rest of his stuff. In the trunk he saw his tent and meager supplies that he had gathered for the winter. It was weird being in the Impala without Dean, as he had never been in it with just Sam. Dean very rarely let him take the car or drive, only allowing Sam to do so if they needed to drive straight though to case.
The ride started mostly quiet apart from him talking to a woman named Charlie. She was making him some fake ID's and a paper trail apparently at Sam's request. With such items, he can in time perhaps find a more permanent and legal job he could work at. For now, he would lie low still in the cabin. It still had some lore he could read so he could actually do some research to perhaps help his brethren. He asked Sam about them and he went on how Abaddon is trying to get to them, and a working relationship they had with Ezekiel. It was good to hear that at least one member of his family was helping the Winchesters since he could no longer do so.
It was a long drive from Denver to where the cabin was. So they stayed overnight in a cheap hotel. Since he fell, he hadn't actually slept on a bed besides the hospital. Now he had a queen size all to himself and it felt too big. When Sam was asleep, he moved to the floor between the bed and wall. Habit he guessed from being on the streets. Concealed places meant safety, where thieves and lawmen were sure to overlook him while he slept. He had also picked up the habit of being a light sleeper and able to fall asleep nearly on command. He awoke to Sam's panicked voice calling for him. He thought he ran off, which, he almost did once or twice during the night.
It was later in the day when they arrived at the cabin. The boys hadn't used it in nearly a year since they moved into the bunker. They stopped at a gas small grocery several miles from the place, easily within walking distance. It had already snowed though here, and walking in an area where storms can gather quickly was not advisable. They bought plenty of supplies, and he had his own stash as well. On the plus side, there was plenty of wood and hot water, and thanks to some ingenious method, free electricity. Compared to his tent, this rundown cabin was a palace.
"So…you all set up here Cas?" Sam asked as he hauled the last bundle of blankets inside.
He looked around, visually checking his stuff. "Yes, I think I am good."
"Great. Well, the TV gets bad reception but the library is…uh, all over the place. I think you're good on food. Oh and here." Sam pulled out his wallet, gave him cash and a credit card. "I wouldn't use the card often, so keep it for an emergency. Charlie and I will find a way to get you your stuff up here."
"Thank you Sam." he replied as he stuffed the money in his pocket. "I think here I can focus on maybe solving some of my mistakes."
Sam nodded, "that's cool, just keep in touch. You still got you phone right?" He pulled it out to show Sam. "Good, call if you need anything, and be safe of course."
"Before you go Sam…could you change my number? I…I would prefer not to have Dean contact or locate me."
He crossed his arms, "you sure about that Cas? I mean, he might want to apologize or something. Look, I know he can be an ass sometimes, but he does care about you Cas."
"But not in the same way I do for him Sam. Isn't that why I am here?"
Sam huffed, "you can't cut him out of your life forever Cas."
He looked down, "I don't want to either, but…it's best if minimal contact is made between us. Until I have better control over my emotions. For now…this is preferable."
Throwing up his arms a little, Sam sighed, "your call man. Just remember I'm here for you too and I also care for you ok?"
He looked at the tall man, "I know Sam. Thank you for what you have done."
"That's what family is for Cas." Sam walked over and gave him a hug. "You take care now alright?"
"Will do." he replied. Sam smiled a bit before heading back out the door. He heard the rumble of the Impala as it started and he watched Sam go from the window. Turning back into the cabin, he set about cleaning it up. If this was going to be his home in the meantime, he'll have to keep up the maintenance.
He spent the day Sam and Cas left almost entirely in the bar. In the late evening a younger crowd came in and he spied a couple women looking at him. Since he got from Purgatory, he wasn't keen as he used on finding a one night lay. Also the bunker was not exactly a place you take a lady to, being a secret society headquarters, complete with dungeon. That was still occupied by one sassy deposed king of hell.
Eventually a nice curvy brunette made her way over to him and they flirted with each other. It didn't matter that she had blue eyes like Cas, though his were a deep blue. Hers were pretty, but it didn't hold a candle to his. Chiding himself for letting him think about him again, he tried to focus into getting into her pants. All he needed was one good lay, that'll reassure him that he's straight still. A completely straight guy who loved to give the ladies a good time. So what if a guy had a crush on him, he knew he was freaking adorable. He's open to the appreciation and the flattery, but not an actual outright declaration of love. The woman…what's her name, Melody he thinks, gave him an upset look. Damn, he got lost in thinking about that dumb angel and his gay dilemma! He smiled sweetly at her and offered to buy her a drink, which she declined, instead offering to make him a drink at her place.
Patting himself on the back mentally for somehow pulling this off, he followed her to her apartment which was only a couple blocks away. Once inside, they began making out pretty heavily…but he wasn't enjoying this. Even they moved to the bed and she was artfully sucking him off, he wasn't getting it up. Excusing himself because obviously nothing was going to happen, he left to go back to his room. Maybe it was just a case of whiskey dick, he had been drinking all day after all. Though this was embarrassing as hell, he actually wasn't ashamed or anything. Maybe sex was just not on the menu tonight. Oh well, there was still a big bottle of whiskey at the motel waiting for him. That he can enjoy just fine.
The next morning, he woke up with a killer hangover. Taking some aspirin and water, he headed into the shower. The failure to launch the previous night was a fluke, but to be extra sure, he began to think about the vintage porn he found in the bunker. The water pressure sucked ass, but at least he didn't have to worry about using up all the hot water as he masturbated. That wasn't doing it though, so he thought of his own exploits, like Cassie and other women through the years…but all he got was semi-hard. At this rate, he was going to chafe himself by the time he could unload. If this was because of Cas he thought, and then…then he felt a small twinge in his heart.
So Cas liked, no, loved him. Love love, not lust, not puppy love, but the real deal. Man had died for him enough times to prove his loyalty to him. But why now? Is he now just realizing it because he's human? He remembered when he made love to Anna, how she was enraptured by the sensual sensation, how the emotions danced on her face. Cas now had that capability, but he suspected…well, others had blatantly told him, that Cas had loved him before he became human.
But he never acted on it, he never made overtures to him about being romantic or anything. Maybe it was his grace, or just being a plain nerd that prevented Cas from knowing what he was feeling. All the angels he's encountered never understood what it was to be human, because they weren't. Even most monsters and demons started out as human in the beginning. Angels though, they were…cold, calculating and brutal. Exactly what warriors should be.
Cas though, something was different about him from day one. Yeah, at first he was a dick, but he pulled through in the end. Meg called him his boyfriend and even Balthazar said Cas was in love with him. And he guessed, he cared for the guy too. Ok, he might almost…almost did say 'I love you' in Lucifer's crypt, so he was aware of it too. At least on a subconscious level.
Could he ever be attracted to Cas in that way though? Cause loving someone usually involves sex somewhere along the line, and he doesn't know if he can, or ever could handle it. Sure, Cas was good looking, just as sexy as him, even if he had no idea on how to use it. Maybe…maybe he should try something. He doesn't know where the idea came to him, and he hoped to god it didn't work.
Slowly, he started stroking himself again. He thought of Cas's eyes, they always grabbed him, always held his gaze like they were trying to read each other. The stubble of the beard in the hospital, how warm he was in Purgatory when he hugged him. The imagined his deep voice and that somewhat freaky but hilarious smile he gave sometimes. That one time he appeared naked covered in bees…and he saw everything. Oh dear God, he was rock hard. But he was so happy to know his dick still worked, he didn't mind it was because he was remembering Cas naked that turned him on. The bees didn't cover everything, and he got a good look at Cas's junk. Cas only looked small in that huge coat of his, but he wasn't…wait, was he thinking about a dick? Didn't matter, he was to immersed in the memory, that cheesy smile, the eyes, his warm skin….everything Cas. And when he came, it was awesome because he was beginning to imagine those pink chapped lips kissing him.
Once the orgasmic bliss faded, his mind reminded him of what he had just done. He had just jacked off on thinking about Cas. One side wanted to hunt him down and throttle him, the other half wanted to see what else he can do with Cas. It was disturbing how his mind clearly and quickly recalled the assets the angel offered. The fact remained though, he could get off with Cas, even if it's in his mind. That proved to himself at the very least, he was also attracted to the ex-angel. Maybe not to the same level Cas had for him, but something was there. Oh yeah, it was called a profound bond.
It was later in the evening when Sam returned to the motel. He was waiting for him since Sam messaged him he was coming back that day. Sam would probably storm in here, berate him and want to talk about feelings again. Well, he's a big boy and he can figure his own shit out sometimes without Sam's help. After his revelation (and much needed relief) in the shower, he think he could come to terms with, whatever he and Cas had. He spent the day just…thinking, about everything. Especially how he was being a asshole to the only other person who loved him as much as Sam, Bobby and his parents did.
He wasn't disappointed. Sam opened the door in a dramatic fashion with his classic bitchface on. Before Sam could get a word out, he simply cut to the point. "Sam, don't bother. I care for him too and I know I was being a douchebag."
As expected, Sam was shocked at him saying anything in regards to his emotions. "You do?" was all Sam could say.
"Yeah…well, I don't know what that means. But Cas…it's just him." He looked at his brother with a hard look through and lowered his voice, "that don't make me gay though. He's family, and what he and I got? I don't know. But I want him in my life more than I want him out. So there."
Sam crossed his arms and sat at the edge of the bed across from him. "So…you're going to apologize to him then?"
He sighed, "maybe. I mean, I don't know yet. This is all confusing. You don't just tell another man you love him, that kinda got sprung on me. And don't you breathe a word to this to anyone else. Not even Charlie. I know you two gossip it up when you go do you hair." Sam blushed. "Cas…he loves me, that's ok. I've been ogled by plenty of guys in the past."
"But he does more than that Dean. He is seriously head over heels over you, like bad. Cas is sincere in his love for you to the point that he's willing to sacrifice his happiness so you can be happy." Sam replied. "And he said you kissed him. Did you kiss him Dean?"
Apparently Cas told him about that. Eh, cat's out of the bag. "Yeah, I did. I don't know why I did though. It just…kinda came over me. He looked at me all sad and I wanted to make him feel better and rest." That sacrifice part though sounds like Cas, sacrificing himself again. "I don't deserve happiness like that, not at that cost." he said looking at the carpet. "And it's not fair to him either. Seriously, I'm flattered, but what if I'm…I'm not good enough for him?"
"So you're willing to give it a try with him Dean? That's the only way you guys can figure it out."
He rubbed his head. Alright, he admitted he cared for Cas, maybe love him too, if only as his best friend at the very least to Sam. The shower earlier showed him that he can overcome the physical barrier of Cas being a dude in regards to sex. And finally, they already had a relationship of sorts. "I guess." he shrugged, "give it try and see how it goes. Oh god, I can't believe I'm convincing myself to go on a date with a guy."
Sam chuckled making him look back up at him with a glare that stopped Sam. He was still smiling though, "let me ask you this Dean. If Cas was in a female vessel, but did everything the same way, from saving you, us, becoming god, same quirks and habits, would you feel different?"
Damn Sam and his humongous brain. "I guess…not." he said hesitantly.
"Ok, good. Remember Dean, angels are genderless. Cas said it himself, he is oblivious to sexual orientation. It's not gay, it's just love." Sam explained.
He rolled his eyes, "ok, I get it. Still, if he was in a female vessel, this would be way easier."
"If he was in a female body, you probably would've banged him a long time ago." Sam said with a smirk.
He huffed a little and smiled, "yeah, probably." The atmosphere was back to the usual camaraderie the brothers usually had. "Where is he?"
With that question, Sam sighed, "he wants to be left alone Dean. Maybe it's best for a while, give you both some breathing room."
Does Sam ever get tired of being right? "I suppose, but if you're still talking to him, can you at least tell him I'm not mad at him anymore?"
Sam smiled, "that I can do."
"And he's safe, not on the streets?" Sam nodded. "And he's not going to run off?"
"Don't think so, he's in a good place and he promised to stay put. He'll be fine Dean, just…give it a little bit of time alright."
"Yeah…ok." Dean replied. Sam was way too OK with this, but he had his support at least. As long as Cas was safe, he can deal with it for a while. There was still a lot of work to do, with Abaddon and the like. He also needed to prepare himself for a talk that he and Cas needed.