Lisbon heard the silent gasp. He'd not meant to say that. Not to himself and certainly not to her. Not now and probably never. Jane's grip tightened perceptively preventing her from turning in his arms. Lisbon relaxed against his chest instead. She'd give him the time he needed to compose himself. Time he needed to get his rampant emotions under control. She'd also give herself time to figure out the best way to respond. Lisbon felt, rather than saw, Jane gripping her hand almost painfully.
"I love you, too." The confession was so quiet he almost didn't hear the whispered words she'd never admit had he not admitted them first.
"I know, Lisbon. I've always known. I guess that's a good thing. Explains why you've put up with me all these years." Jane's chin came to rest on the top of her head.
"I guess it could." Lisbon agreed though she knew she was lying.
Surely Jane wasn't implying he thought she'd been in love with him for years? He couldn't be that wrong. And if he was, Lisbon hated to disillusion him. Nothing could be farther from the truth. She'd loathed him on their initial meeting and quite a few meetings thereafter. Actually couldn't stand him. She'd totally distrusted him for even longer than that. Over time she'd begun to like him a little better once they'd established a few ground rules and boundaries.
Not that Jane had ever truly respected either or even pretended to. Lisbon had just felt more in control of the situation once such directives were in place. Truthfully, their friendship had grown like mold on a shower stall against their better judgements. It had developed slowly over time with similar toxic effects along the way. What she wouldn't deny was she'd always found Jane dangerously attractive and sexy in a totally irreverent way. What red blood woman wouldn't? Not the majority at the CBI. She could attest to that.
Lisbon had, however, never seriously entertained thoughts of intimacy with the man. Perhaps a meaningless fling in a moment of lust inspired lunacy; but, not a relationship. Maybe she'd considered it quite a few times over the years. Usually when she was bored and had nothing better to do. She may have even indulged in a forbidden fantasy or two as well. She wasn't confirming that rumor either way and she never would.
Nope, no relationship complete with feelings and the certainty of getting hurt. She wasn't that stupid. And she'd never considered a child. Not with Patrick Jane. She wasn't that much of masochist. No matter what they whispered in the break room when they thought she wasn't listening. Yeah, she'd heard some pretty raunchy remarks over the years. She'd honestly found it amusing that some of her colleagues entertained such thoughts of her. A surprising number of her co-workers were immature jerks.
Lisbon's thoughts hadn't veered in the direction of anything more than what they had at work until Jane started showing up on her doorstep raw and defenseless seeking a lap on which to rest his weary head. And not just any lap. He'd sought out hers over and over again. After her initial reservations were laid to rest, Lisbon had willingly given it. She might even have petted those golden curls a time or two in the past. She'd even begun anticipating those nights and looking forward to his company. She'd not minded him sleeping on her couch on those not so rare occasions. She'd just wished he'd still been around the next morning to share a cup of tea every once in a while though she'd have been drinking coffee.
Somewhere along the way, Lisbon realized the attraction between them was real and far from one-sided. She'd known she was in trouble then. She'd known all it would take was Jane responding to the most innocuous of overtures for her to be willing to test the waters between them. But even that had nothing to do with love. It was nothing but unadulterated lust. She'd wanted him naked flesh against flesh. She'd wanted him in her and on her in all those oh-so-naughtily-pleasurable ways she'd experienced so many times since. Somewhere along the way that lust had morphed into deeper feelings. And somewhere along the way they'd slipped up and made a child. Life couldn't get any more complicated could it?
"You're thinking too much, Teresa." Jane had watched Lisbon's thoughts and feelings play across her face for the last quarter hour. He'd read each one quite clearly and found them fascinating. Wrong for the most part; but, totally Lisbon and fascinating.
"I guess I am." Lisbon agreed.
"I know you are. I meant what I said and I still do. I'm just not sure I'll be able to say it again anytime soon. We both know I never meant to say it the first time. The words just popped into my head and through my lips before I could stop them. That wasn't supposed to happen, Lisbon; not with anyone. Not ever again. But it did and it's true." Jane was obviously rattled by his confession in a way Lisbon had never seen before. She knew him well enough by now to know that it had nothing to do with her or his child. It had everything to do with the monster they were hunting and Jane's unbridled fears.
"I believe you, Jane. I honestly do." Lisbon didn't like that note creeping into his voice.
"I've cared about you for a long time, Teresa. I'd say we've been good friends for several years; but, we both know the other isn't a good idea. We were supposed to live together, share our lives, and raise our son. Be reasonably content and have a neat shallow life like so many people. We were never supposed to fall in love." Jane stated bluntly.
"You're being ridiculous." Jane made it sound like love had come late to the equation when they both knew differently. They might not have been willing to identify the emotion lurking in the shadows; but, it had been growing a long time. Long before they'd ever slept together or created the child in her womb.
"Lisbon, there's nothing ridiculous about it. We both know what happens to people I love. We both know what he does to them. I haven't been able to stop him." Jane would have to bring that ghoul out into the light of day instead of leaving him in the darkness. He would have to indulge his almost irrational fear when it came to Lisbon and Red John. The fear ignoring she was a seasoned cop fully capable of taking care of herself. That fear ignoring the reality she'd probably moved to the top of Red John's hit list the first night they'd slept together if not long before.
"Jane, shush, and stop with the foolishness. We both know I was marked long before we were even an 'us'. Don't let your paranoia get the best of you. Nothing is going to happen to me. I can take care of myself." Lisbon reminded him.
"Just like Bosco and his team. Just like every other cop he's ever slain." Jane reminded her.
"Stop it, Jane. It's too late to get scared now. We passed the point of no return a long time ago. About the moment he realized we had romantic feelings for each other before we ever did. I'm not letting Red John win. Neither are you. We're going to stop him. We have to for our son's sake." Lisbon brought his hand to her stomach pressing his palm over where she believed their son to be. "So now you believe we're having a boy?" Jane actually laughed at her statement allowing Lisbon to distract him from his disturbing thoughts.
"I'm willing to agree since you're so strongly convinced we are." Lisbon had finally decided if Jane said they were having a boy, they were having a boy. He wouldn't be wrong about that. He never was.
"You are so full of it, Lisbon." Jane called her on it.
"You may be right; but, I'm starting to believe. He feels like a boy." Lisbon admitted.
"It's because he is a boy. Trust me, Lisbon, and trust your instincts. They'll never guide you wrong." Jane said.
"Is that what you do?" She'd always wondered.
"Where you're concerned, yeah, I do. For other things, I have other talents." Jane answered truthfully.
"What do your instincts say about him?" Lisbon asked.
"He's not going to win this time. We won't let him." Jane made his words sound like a vow.
"No, we won't. There's too much at stake. There's you, me, and him. He's definitely worth fighting for." Lisbon declared.
"Yes, he is." Jane softly kissed her hair as he hugged her tighter. Lisbon leaned back against his hard chest while she watched one squirrel chase another up one tree and down the other.
"We're worth fighting for." She spoke a little more fiercely.
"Yes, we are." He shifted slightly in his chair. "Here, I have a present for you." Twisting the heavy band, Jane removed the ring from his finger.
"Oh, no, I'm not taking that. They'll know something's changed." Lisbon shook her head forcefully.
"Something has changed, Lisbon, something big." Jane wasn't expecting the unbridled panic in her eyes.
"They can't figure out the truth before we're ready, Jane. They'll split us up for sure." Lisbon didn't even realize her fingers were biting into his thighs.
"Ah, now I see. This is yours the moment you say the word. I'm only wearing it because you told me too. Understood?" Lisbon had her own terrors that were just as irrational as his.
No one in authority would ever split them up; but, Lisbon didn't know that. Jane wouldn't let them. However, he would humor his lover a while until she finally figured out nothing could come in the way of what they had. Jane was prepared to use every underhanded trick he had in his arsenal to ensure nothing threatened what they were nurturing between them and he had a lot of weapons. He also had a lot of dirt on certain people in very high places. He wasn't afraid to use it.
"Understood." Lisbon repeated. One day soon, he'd be taking that ring off for good. But, now wasn't the time and they both knew it.
Pressing the ring into Lisbon's hand, Jane held his hand out to her. Lisbon slipped the ring back onto the familiar finger. She was surprised to find she didn't hate that gold band quite as much anymore. Jane had just proven he was willing to take it off. All she had to do was say the word. It really didn't seem that important any more anyway. Who cared what they said at the office? She knew the truth of the matter.