A/N: Hey everyone! Firstly, just wow, I am absolutely thrilled with the response to Chapter Nine – I didn't expect it at all. You guys are just plain awesome! Thank you! I was in London last night, seeing Queen + Adam Lambert in concert and when they played 'Who Wants to Live Forever' I thought of this chapter. With that in mind, apologies in advance for this...
It was like experiencing something close to drowning. A crushing weight descended on Natasha's chest and she felt her throat constrict so that forcing each breath in and out took a great amount of effort. She thought she was about to crumple in on herself as the sinking feelings dragged her down and the edges of her vision began to darken. Yet there was still hope – it shone like sunlight through water – what if Bruce was wrong? What if this was just another one of Tony's elaborate pranks?
"No," she finally choked out. "Hecan't be..."
"His body's been put under too much stress for a prolonged period of time," Tony said, his expression unreadable. "His heart can't take the strain... His vital organs are going to shut down one by one."
Natasha stared at Tony, all hopes of jest quickly receding, but she was determined to find a loophole. "There must be something we can do!"
Bruce and Tony didn't answer. It was like they were standing on the shoreline, watching her frantically thrash about in the water, waiting for her to realise all her efforts were futile.
"Asgard!" Natasha blurted out. "Thor can take him back and – "
She stopped when Bruce shook his head. "Getting to Asgard isn't as straightforward as it used to be. Loki isn't strong enough... The journey would kill him."
"And we're not actually sure if the Asgardians would be able to help him anyway," Tony added solemnly.
"We got to him too late, Natasha," Bruce murmured. "He's just too... damaged."
Breathing had become almost impossible. Natasha was sure she was going to throw up as the past ten days flashed before her eyes, tinged with black, like some macabre picture show. "How long?" she gasped, knowing the two scientists knew exactly what she meant.
"A few weeks," Bruce replied. "A month at most."
"Oh God..." Natasha breathed, her eyes settling on the sleeping Loki. "Does he know yet?"
"No... We thought it would be best coming from you," Tony said carefully.
Natasha was too busy concentrating all her efforts on keeping her breathing steady to think about the implications of what Tony had just said, or why he'd said it. "And Thor?" she whispered.
"No one else knows," Bruce answered. "I think we should call a meeting to... discuss our options."
Natasha nodded, brushing a few strands of hair from her face, the movement feeling languid and heavy, as if occurring in slow motion.
"Do you need a minute?" Tony asked, his voice noticeably controlled, trying not to betray any emotion.
"No... No, I'm fine," Natasha replied, sounding equally mechanical.
"I've messaged everyone," Bruce said, stowing away his communication tablet that shone blue through his shirt pocket. "We're gathering in the boardroom in five minutes."
"May as well head there now," Tony said, and with a stiff nod from Bruce they headed towards the lab doors.
Natasha followed after them, giving Loki one final glance as the dark waters closed over her head.
-o0o-
Natasha, Bruce, and Tony stood by the windows of the fifteenth floor boardroom. They had been quickly joined by Pepper, and no one questioned her status as a de facto Avenger. The silence between the four of them filled the room like a noxious gas, and Pepper's worried glances in Natasha's direction told her she didn't know what was going on, but she suspected it was nothing good.
There was a faint hiss as the room's doors slid open and Thor and Steve filed in, with Clint bringing up the rear. Natasha couldn't bear to look Thor in the eye, though she registered that he was carrying Mjolnir... There was no way this meeting was ending well.
"What's happened?" Thor was the first to speak. "Is this about Loki?"
Bruce took a step forward. "Thor, I need you to give Mjolnir to Tony." It was as if he'd read Natasha's thoughts.
"What?" Thor asked, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Why...? What is this?" He looked around the room, searching everyone's face for answers.
"Please, Thor," Bruce said, his voice quiet but firm.
Thor studied Bruce for one long moment, but then answered: "Very well." He walked around the room's dominating table and set his hammer down at Tony's feet, before retreating back to Steve's side. "Now, tell me!" It was almost a demand, his voice louder with obvious anxiety.
It seemed an age before Bruce finally spoke. "Tony and I ran some tests this morning to try and understand why your brother's injuries aren't healing... And things are a lot more serious than we imagined."
"How serious?" Thor asked, the colour draining from his face.
"I'm so sorry, Thor... Loki is dying. I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do."
Natasha heard a gasp and turned to see Pepper clap a hand over her mouth. Steve and Clint both looked down at their feet.
"No!" Thor's eyes moved quickly from Bruce to Tony, his mouth slightly agape. "You're... You're wrong! He's getting better!"
"His regaining consciousness has just disguised a lot of underlying problems," Tony explained. "We didn't realise the extent of the damage until this morning."
"But you have to save him!" Thor cried, his voice strained as he looked desperately from Tony to Bruce, and then his eyes fell on Natasha. "Please! I... I can't lose him again!"
"This is beyond our abilities, Thor," Bruce said quietly.
"Then I'll take him to our father!" Thor said, and Natasha's chest tightened as she recognised the same flicker of hope she had held only minutes ago, but she knew the answer.
"I'm afraid he wouldn't survive the journey to Asgard," Bruce replied, stony-faced, and Natasha knew the final blow had been struck.
"No!" Thor growled, the pain etching deep lines across his face as tears appeared in his eyes. He stared at all of them, silently begging someone to take it all back... And when no answer came, he let out a strangled roar and smashed his fist down on the boardroom table. Cracks appeared in the polished silver, spreading out from Thor's hand in web of ripples, like ice breaking underfoot. Clint and Steve jumped back in shock, and they had only just regained themselves when Thor brought his fist down a second time, harder, and cut a deep ridge in the table, slicing it almost in two.
Tony instinctively moved in front of Pepper. Bruce stayed stoically in place, as if he was expecting it. Thor staggered back from the table with an almost inhuman cry, then dropped to his knees. "Loki!" he howled, and a sharp thud told Natasha he had punched his fist into the floor. Clint and Steve shrank away from him, and it was clear that everyone shared their discomfort, feeling as if they were intruding on Thor's personal grief by even being in the same room. "Brother!" came another choked cry, and Thor suddenly began pummelling the floor repeatedly with his fist.
Natasha was the first to react; she moved around the table to Thor's side. "Tasha!" Clint said in warning, but she ignored him and knelt in front of Thor, aware that everyone else was now holding their breath. The god stayed his fist for a second, looking up at Natasha, his blue eyes swimming with tears.
"I'm so sorry, Thor," she whispered, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I am so, so sorry."
For a moment she thought he might strike her, or push her aside, but instead the god threw his huge arms around her and started sobbing into her shoulder. Natasha froze, but when she realised that Thor's vice-like grip was seeking comfort, not violence, she reciprocated, and held him, shaking, in her arms... And then, for the first time in years, Natasha cried. She didn't care that everyone was watching. She didn't care what they might think. Thor's pain had unlocked her own unspeakable pain; it smashed down all the barriers she had so carefully constructed to conceal everything from everyone... and from herself. The tears flowed silently down her cheeks, matting Thor's blonde hair to her face. And so Natasha cried; she cried for Loki, and for Thor, and for everything she couldn't say.
-o0o-
Natasha's hands formed a bowl under the faucet, collecting a reservoir of cool water which she splashed over her face, soothing her burning cheeks and washing away the tears no one was meant to see. She heard Clint's step behind her, and she knew he was in the doorway of the bathroom. He'd followed her back to her room after Tony and Steve had taken Thor away; they'd flown him out to a forest somewhere in Pennsylvania so that he could 'vent' all he needed to without injuring himself or anyone else. Clint, however, was being less considerate and hadn't taken the hint that she wanted to be alone.
"That was pretty brave – how you handled Thor," he commented as she reached for a towel to dry her face.
"Well, someone had to do something," she replied, straightening up.
"Are you alright?" he murmured, filling the whole doorway, trapping her in the bathroom.
"I'm fine," Natasha said in the same emotionless way she had answered Tony. It was becoming a reflex response.
"You know, I get it... We found Loki, took him in, looked after him... You get attached..."
"He's not a stray dog, Clint!" Natasha snapped. "He's a person, and he's Thor's brother... Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"What do you want me to say, Natasha?" Clint demanded, his harsh tone making her flinch. "You want me to pretend like everyone else that this whole situation isn't fucked up? You want me to go and sit in that fucking lab with Loki and reminisce about our time together?"
"Christ, I am so tired of this!" Natasha cried, feeling the unwanted tears returning. "I'm tired of arguing with you all the time! I know you find it difficult, but did you ever once stop to think that I haven't got it easy either?"
"No, don't you do that! Don't you make me out to be the bad guy, because I'm not! You've been spending all your time with the bad guy... I've hardly seen you!"
"Yeah? Well, he'll be dead within the month and you'll have me all to yourself again!" Natasha spat, then stopped, stunned by the venom in her own words... And then the pain swelled in her chest again when she realised the truth in what she'd just said; in a month, Loki would be dead...
"And fucking good riddance!" Clint growled.
In her mind's eye Natasha saw herself draw back her fist and punch Clint square in the face... She heard the crack as his nose broke... felt the warm blood dribbling between her fingers... But in reality, she didn't move. "Get out," she snarled. Clint stayed in the doorway. "I mean it, Clint, get the fuck out of my room... GO!"
-o0o-
Natasha kept her eyes focused on an L-shaped crease in Loki's blankets, mentally mapping its topography. It was all she could do to stop herself from falling apart, and in concentrating she could force the pain in her chest down to a dull ache. She was listening intently to Loki's steady breathing, unconsciously keeping her breaths in time with his, when the rhythm changed followed by a sigh. She looked up to see Loki staring at her with a grin... And her chest became enflamed again; she wished he didn't look so happy to see her.
Loki's grin faded at Natasha's pained expression. "What's happened?" he whispered, pulling himself up into his pillows, wincing as his ribs protested against the movement. "Are you alright?"
Natasha had no idea how to begin. She thought of the way Bruce had phrased the news with her and Thor... She could replicate it word for word, but she knew it wouldn't be enough for what she needed to say.
"Please, Natasha," Loki said, looking dangerously white. "Tell me... What's wrong?"
"You're... You're dying." In her frustration, Natasha blundered in without the grace of any precursors, or anything to ease into the subject... Just the dull blow of the truth.
Loki studied Natasha, his green eyes flashing with something she couldn't place. "Ah," was all he said.
Natasha stared at him, shocked by his apparent calmness and composure. She wasn't sure what she expected, but it wasn't this.
"I suppose I suspected as much," he said slowly, registering Natasha's confusion. "I could feel it – a sort of instinct... The way a cat crawls away to die."
"You're not crawling anywhere," Natasha murmured, her voice cracking.
"I wouldn't get very far," Loki replied with a sad smile. "Does Thor know?"
"Yes... He... He didn't react very well. He's with Tony and Steve at the moment."
"He didn't break anything expensive did he?" Loki asked, and the glint in his eye told Natasha he was purposefully recalling their first conversation in Stark Tower. It was almost too much for her to bear.
"Just the boardroom table and some floor panelling," Natasha said, each word getting caught in her throat.
"How long have I got?"
"A few weeks. A month at most," Natasha answered, reverting to Bruce's script.
Loki nodded, looking away from her into his lap.
"We'll... We'll make you as comfortable as possible," Natasha whispered. How she despised the phrase 'as comfortable as possible' – she felt ridiculous for having said it. "It... It should be quite painless..." She couldn't continue. Her words were meaningless anyway, because she couldn't say the right ones.
Loki looked up, fixing her with those green eyes, and said softly: "I'm not afraid of dying, Natasha... I only wish I had the time to get to know you better."
And suddenly no words would do anymore. It felt as if words would never matter again. Natasha leaned in to Loki; placing one hand on the side of his face, she pulled him towards her and their lips met. At first Loki was frozen in shock, but then he closed his eyes and his mouth melted against Natasha's, soft and hot, like candle wax. Their lips moulded easily, perfectly together, mouths moving slowly, carefully in sync. As the kiss progressed Loki's uninjured hand crept to Natasha's shoulder, then slid to her neck, his fingers brushing the curls of red hair. Natasha kept her hand pressed against Loki's face, holding his lips hungrily against hers. It was a kiss of despair turned into a kiss of passion... And now Loki knew. She just needed him to know.
Natasha gently pulled away and cradled Loki's face in her hands, their foreheads pressed together, eyes burning into each other. Hot tears dribbled down her cheeks, and although she couldn't see them, she felt Loki's tears, warm against her hands, slipping through her fingers.
"I have to go," she whispered.
She kissed Loki's forehead, then quickly left the lab. Loki never said a word; he understood. Natasha had no memory of her walk down the corridor, and all of a sudden she was in the elevator. It was only then that she realised she had heard the familiar, low hiss of the lounge doors as she had pulled away from Loki... Someone had seen everything.