We return to Dr Neela Rasgotra to find out her memories of that day, and the consequences that it has had on the rest of her life.

Do you remember anything about the day said you would never remember, the day you were lucky to survive?

I remember treating a soldier, talking to him about Michael, and the anti-war rally before my shift ended. I vaguely remember seeing Ray, I remember kissing him goodbye and telling him I loved him, but I'm not sure how much of that is because he's told me it happened or if I really remember. I remember what Katey said to me, ironically it's the one thing I would want to forget but it's one of the stronger memories. I have a slight recollection of being surrounded by crowds of people but that's it. It's strange; my strongest memory of that day is of something that can't have happened, I must have dreamt it, it's strange the tricks the mind plays.

What was it?

She laughs softly

Don't laugh, but it was when I was in the OR that night. It was like I was watching my own death, it was surreal.

Flashback

She was looking down on her own body lying on the gurney in the OR. Dubenko and Crenshaw were there, as well as countless others. She watched as Dubenko called time of death. Why was she still here then? She heard a voice talking to her, the her that was in the corner of the room not the her on the gurney. She turned towards the familiar sounding voice, and there was Michael. She was surprised that it didn't surprise or shock her that he was there.

'Baby, what are you doing, you need to fight' he murmured as he cupped her cheek in his hand and brushed away the tears that had gathered.

'Michael, I'm so sorry…' her voice trailed away.

'What are you talking about?'

'This, everything, it's my fault that you died' All her guilt over his death and everything that had happened since was falling to the front of her mind, and pouring out of her mouth, everything she had wanted to say to him since he died.

'Neela it wasn't your fault, I was in the wrong place, it was bad luck, I just wish I hadn't had to leave you' he pulled her closer, trying to stop her tears.

'How can you be like that towards me after everything I've done?'

'You've not done anything wrong'

'I had feelings for Ray when I was married to you, that was wrong, I should have been stronger' she sobbed

He pulled back and took her face in both his hands 'Look at me, I was wrong to rush you into marrying me but I could see how he looked at you and how you looked at him and I didn't want to lose you, if anyone's got something to apologise for it's me'

'You knew? But, but why did you leave then? Surely you knew you were pushing me towards him?'

'I knew, and I regretted what I'd done, I knew it wasn't enough to keep you two apart, you were meant to be together, I could see that, I just didn't want to admit it'

'Why didn't you say anything?'

'Admitting to myself that my wife was in love with her roommate was one thing, talking to you about it was a different issue. I was just waiting for you to tell me, but you never did. When I made that tape for you, I wanted to say something in it, but I was doing it in front of the guys, so I couldn't, I could only say what I said.

'I never did anything. When I realised how I felt I moved out, I didn't let anything happen, I couldn't cheat on you'

'I know, you surprised me when you did that, I should have known better though, I didn't know what to think, what to do, and then the truck I was in got hit and it was too late to do anything. I just had to watch you push him away, hurting yourself more'

'Why now, why do I get to see you now but not then?'

'I keep an eye on you, but we're not allowed to interfere unless it's a situation like this, it's not your time yet, I would love to keep you with me, but there's so much more for you still to do'

'But I've screwed up so much, after what I've done to him, Ray won't want anything to do with me, I can't make that right'

He closed his eyes as if in pain.

'I wouldn't be so sure of that' he turned her around so she was facing the OR observation room. Sitting there was Ray, in a wheelchair, his mother behind him. She didn't see Hope and Greg, her eyes could only see one person.

'He's here?' She looked at Michael with surprise and happiness in her eyes, and he knew he was doing the right thing even though it hurt.

'Yeah, he came back as soon as Abby called him, look at him, this is destroying him'

She did look at him, and her heart cracked even more than she thought was possible. He looked so small, like a little lost boy who didn't know how to get home. The grief in his eyes was indescribable 'what he said to you is killing him. You need to fight, he needs you'

'But so much has happened I don't know if we can make it'

'I won't say it's going to be easy, it won't be, but you two have to try, I can't see either of you being happy if you don't, you've got to fight for him'

He cupped her face again, leant in and gently touched her lips with his 'remember that I love you and I want you to be happy, like I said before go get married and have babies. It's not your time yet'

'Michael…' but he was gone.

One of the machines beside her prone self started to beep just as Crenshaw was about to remove the heart monitor.

End Flashback

With her right hand she wipes another tear away

Do you believe it was really Michael?

I don't know what to believe, I don't believe in life after death and for me to believe it was Michael I would need to. All I know is that after they pronounced me dead, after they'd been trying to revive me for so long with no heart rate, I came back. Lucien and Dustin can't explain it, they're adamant that what they witnessed happen couldn't possibly have happened. There's no medical explanation for it, so perhaps it was Michael, all I know is that I got a second chance that I really shouldn't have got, but you won't hear me complaining about it.

Your injuries were pretty horrific, it was 24 hours before you woke, how did you feel when you finally did?

She gives a painful smile

Ray says that I was attention seeking, being particularly cruel by coming back like that but then not giving the final push to wake up. But the more medical explanation is that my body was in shock, and its way of coping was to focus on the essentials, breathing, repairing. It wasn't fair on him, he wasn't in a much better state than I was, he shouldn't have been sitting there for that long, but he wouldn't leave, and if the situation had been reversed I wouldn't have left either.

When I woke I had no idea what had happened, as I've already said I still can't remember most of what happened that day, they say I probably never will, but I'm lucky; they said it was a miracle that that was the only memory I lost, they feared I would have severe brain damage. I was terrified, I didn't know where I was, what had happened, what had happened to Ray and when I tried to speak I couldn't. The neurologists are pretty certain that I had a stroke at some point during the incident, I had numbness in my left side, I couldn't move my arm, and I couldn't form words or sentences. I know Ray found it distressing, he said all he'd been waiting for was me to wake up, he'd never thought that that wouldn't be the end of it, but he was trying desperately hard to calm me, to reassure me that it would be okay. I didn't see how it could be.

It was a really dark time for us both, facing our own demons as well as each others. But I just kept remembering what Michael had said, and I knew I didn't want to be there without Ray. It was my motivation to keep fighting even on the days when all I wanted was for someone to give me an overdose of medication and end it there and then.

She pulls back a bit, looking affronted, like she's been offended

Don't give me that look; there were very black days, where if I'd been physically capable of it I would have done that. When you have to relearn the most basic things in life like talking, eating, moving, walking it's impossible not to have those days. I was lucky; it didn't take me too long to recover most of those skills.

She bows her head but not before you see the tears reflecting in her eyes

And I was luck that John, Dr Carter, took me back to the ER because with this…

She raises her left arm with her right and you can visibly see it shaking

…I'll never practise surgery again. My doctors say with time the shaking might go away, but I've still not got full feeling in it, don't get me wrong, I can use it but not for anything that requires strength, stability and accuracy, which is what surgery requires.

My right arm's a lot better than it was, it was fractured in seven places, and I'm the proud owner of a number of metal plates and pins, but it doesn't have the accuracy it used to either, but I can still tube a patient, and sew stitches, and there's always someone in the ER to help me on the bad days or with the things I can't do, I can't replace a dislocated hip or shoulder, I don't have the strength, but that's something I always struggled with, so there's not much change there. I'm lucky to have a job like that. I'm lucky that I'm still here.

The tears are trickling down her cheeks