"I just don't see why you do it." I say, my hand tracing Lisa's spine lightly. "Nothing changes, you know? It's not like you yelling and screaming with a sign in your hand actually makes a difference. You know?"
Lisa eyes me for a second, and I'm sure she is about to roll her eyes and get pissy with me, but then she just sighs and lifts her hand to my cheek. "You're missing the point Dean. Maybe going down to the capital and rallying against something doesn't change the world right away, but doing it- actually getting off my ass and trying- that makes me feel like I've done something. It makes me feel like I've done my part."
"But-"
"You don't understand because you've never felt that strongly about anything." She interrupts.
"I care about stuff." I argue. "It's not like I'm all for racism, or whatever it is you're yelling about this weekend, it's just...I don't know- I guess I don't see the point."
"That's it exactly babe." Lisa says softly. "Maybe one day something will stir you enough to care, or move you enough to want to scream at the top of your lungs for someone to listen." She smiles softly. "It doesn't make you a bad person that you don't see the point in rallying for every unjust, and inhumane thing that happens in this world."
She is soothing the worry she knows has begun to take hold and I love her even more in that moment.
"I wish I could be more like you." I try to smile back. "You know, shout about stuff I care about and believe I'm being heard, that there is anyone out there even remotely interested in what I have to say."
"You have it in you, Dean." She whispers against my lips. "You just have to find something you're passionate about first."
It's full week before I make my way back to the bar.
After smoking up, thoughts of Castiel were quickly over taken by thoughts of my dead wife and guilt kept me from seeking him out. Her face haunted me in my sleep as well as in my waking hours, and I found it increasingly hard to keep her at bay. By the time my date with Charlie was upon me, I was closer than ever to buying a bottle of scotch and chasing it with a bottle of gin.
I spend all of Friday and most of Saturday at Charlie's place watching, I admit, one of the best freaking movie series in the history of everything, ever. Besides being absolutely in love with the entertainment, I found myself quickly becoming enamored with the entertainer as well.
Being around Charlie makes me feel more light, and carefree than anything else. I've never been close friends with a woman before, the few times I've tried always turned out pretty bad. I don't know if it's because she is in a relationship, or if it's because she is gay, but it just seems so natural to be around her. There is no pressure to preform, no pretenses to keep up. I'd like to think her relationship status and sexual orientation have nothing to do with why I feel so calm when I'm with her, though. I'd like to think she is just this kindred spirit who I am meant to befriend.
I carefully avoid going to the bar after Charlie's birthday party.
I really didn't like how much Castiel was monopolizing my thoughts before my wife took over, and I thought some distance might help keep my fantasies under control. I didn't see him on the beach at all either, and not seeing him was doing a lot of good things for my psyche.
It seemed ridiculous that I could have let some cocky son-of-a-bitch squirm his way under my skin, after just a few meetings. It had to have been my grief over losing Lisa that made me so vulnerable. I'm not the kind of guy that gets hung up on people so easily, especially a guy like Castiel.
So what if is his eyes are so blue I feel like I need a life preserver when I look into them? So what if his face is so infuriatingly gorgeous it makes Greek God's jealous with envy? So what if his smile is so damn cocky I want to stuff it with my dick just to see his lips grow wider around it?
Okay that last one got away from me a bit, but the point is, this guy isn't anything special. He just happens to be the first person I've been attracted to since Lisa died, and that doesn't make him extraordinary by any means.
By Sunday night I am confident my little crush has run its course.
I decide to drive to the bar tonight, instead of walk because the cold is just a little too sharp for my taste. I purposely didn't eat dinner at home so that I'd have a good excuse to be there tonight in case Mr. Knows-every-little-detail-about-me, is there.
When I step inside I am both relived and disappointed to find the bar practically deserted. I receive a warm welcome from Gabe though, who is standing on a chair to reach the top shelf of the glass cabinets where the lesser used liquors are stored.
"Need a hand?" I offer, grabbing a bar stool but not sitting down in case he takes me up on it.
"Nah, not really supposed to let you back here." Gabe says, the chair wobbling under his feet as he cleans the cabinet out. "This crap is all dusty and gross. I should just take them all down and throw them out."
"Since when do you care about following rules?" I challenge, a half-smile on my lips.
Gabe looks down at me for a second before shrugging. "Good point." He comes down off of the chair and waves an arm out as an invitation. "Be my guest."
I saunter around the other end of the bar and come behind it. I motion for Gabe to move out of the way, and he backs up comically and crosses his arms. "Maybe I should get on the other side, you know, enjoy the show a little better."
"You want me to do this or not?" I gripe, careful to sound more amused than annoyed.
"I surely do." Gabe answers back. "Just take down the bottles and I'll clean them down here. I'll give you a rag to rub down the cabinets when you're done."
"Sure thing boss." I give him a wink and set to work, rising up to my tip-toes to pull down the obscure bottles of liquor. "Who even drinks this crap?"
"Old people and foreigners." Gabe says back, taking his rag and cleaning the bottles off as I set them on the bar top.
After one of the cabinets is empty, I take off my jacket and throw it over the other side of the bar onto one of the stools. My button down shirt makes its way there a few moments later and soon I am just in a black t-shirt that hugs my chest and sneaks up my stomach when my hands are busy above me.
Sometime during the third and last cabinet wipe-down, the door to the bar opens and my eyes instinctively go down through my arms to see who came inside. I don't want to get Gabe into any trouble, and I want to know if I need to move to the other side.
My stomach jumps into my throat, though, when my eyes land on the new arrival.
My ex-crush has just walked in and is pretty openly looking me up and down. I don't have enough sense to put my arms down for what feels like a full minute, as Castiel tilts his head slightly, and appreciates my exposed stomach and hips. My instinct is to cover up, but there is a coy smile on his lips as he walks forward, and it reminds me that I'm not supposed to care about what he thinks.
So instead of putting down my arms and allowing my shirt to cover my stomach again, I continue to wipe out the last cabinet.
"Cassie!" Gabe greets, "Our usual exchange? Whiskey for whit?"
"That'll do fine Gabriel. Thank you." Castiel answers back smoothly, his eyes still on my body.
"Careful Dean-o, you might find some dollar bills in your pants if you keep that up much longer." Gabe murmurs to me as he makes Castiel's drink, his back turned away from the bar.
The look on Castiel's face says he heard Gabe's comment though, so I'm careful to show how unaffected I am by his attention.
"Hmm?" I say, pretty confidently pulling off confusion, in my own humble opinion.
I lower my arms and move around Gabe, putting the bottles back into their appropriate cabinet.
Castiel's voice pulls at me but I force myself not to look at him. "Got yourself a new employee Gabriel?"
"Dean's just helping the height challenged." Gabe answers back, pushing Castiel's drink towards him. "Let me buy you dinner Dean, to thank you."
"I won't say no to that." I reply easily, placing the last of the bottles up in the cabinet and wiping my brow. My hands are on my hips and Gabe is pretty openly staring between me and Castiel but I still refuse to look in the other man's direction. Instead, I move back around the other side of the bar and take the seat my jacket and button down are on. It's only two away from Castiel, but I figure he chose that seat for a reason, and I'm not going to let him intimidate me out of mine. "How about another burger, maybe that one with pepper jack?"
"You got it. Club soda?"
"Yeah, thanks." I smile at Gabe, maybe a little too widely and pull my button down back on. There is a soft sigh from beside me, but still my resolve to not look at him wins out. I can feel my hands shaking though as I button my shirt back up and I pray that he doesn't notice.
But because whatever God I just prayed to must be out to dinner, Castiel does notice and makes sure to call me on it.
"Nervous about something Dean?"
This time, I purposely move my eyes to the snarky man beside me and find those lips curved into that smirk that makes me want to scream. Instead of answering though, I just shrug and take my seat. He chuckles softly before standing up and pulling off his green jacket, the one he was wearing at the AA meeting, to reveal a dark blue long sleeve shirt. I notice the hem just makes it to his belt, which is crazy low on his hips. I'm not sure I've seen a pair of jeans sit so low on a man's hips before, but the view is one I don't ever want to live without again. His hip bones jut out just enough to protrude into his t-shirt, the sharp curve of them drawing my attention and holding me captive.
And because my filter must be lost along with the rest of this guy's jeans, I open my mouth to say something I'm sure I'll regret.
"I don't think nervous is the word I would use to describe it."
Castiel looks genuinely shocked at my statement for a second before snickering at me and nodding. "Aren't we bold this evening."
He takes his seat again and I watch for a second as he brings his drink to his lips and sucks in the liquid. I can tell he is trying to draw me in, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction, so I turn away.
Gabe is looking at us again, his eyebrows raised and an amused smile playing at his lips. "Should I just go then? Leave you two to it?"
"You'll get no complaints from me." Castiel said back smoothly.
"That's alright Gabe, your company is actually appreciated." I say hotly, giving a pointed glare in Castiel's direction.
"Ouch!" Gabe replies back. "Careful Dean, Cassie here may just steal your ball at recess."
"Your cleverness never seizes to disappoint me Gabriel." Castiel murmurs through this glass.
His comment sends my eyes rolling, and landing on him. I want to find some way to unnerve him the way he still apparently does to me, so I start fishing.
"Charlie missed you at her birthday party."
"No she didn't." He replies back casually, taking another sip of his beer.
Gabriel hands me my club soda and I suck down a few large gulps of it. "How do you know? You weren't there."
"Because I know my sister, and my presence at her birthday party wasn't necessary."
It takes me a beat, but soon his words are catching up to me and my mouth is hanging open slightly. "Your sister? Charlie is your sister?"
"Of sorts." He answers, his eyes challenging me.
There are different flashes of my own emotions then and I don't know how to proceed. Hearing that Charlie and Castiel were related somehow, hits me in the gut, and I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's because my own brother is dead and gone, and it's all my fault. Maybe it's because being with Charlie gives me that feeling of what it would be like to be a big brother again and I'm envious that Castiel gets that title.
I decide to press the issue.
"Of sorts? What the hell does that mean?"
Castiel shrugs and takes down the last of his drink. He nearly slams it on the bar before turning back towards me. "It means exactly what I said, Charlie is sort of my sister."
"How can someone be sort of your sister?"
"Tell me about yours." Castiel says coolly. "And I'll tell you about mine."
My throat goes dry and I have to strain to keep my breathing even. "I don't have a sister."
"A brother then..." Castiel squints at me, and tilts his head slightly. He watches as my face undoubtedly changes at the mention of Sam, and then his voice goes softer, but still probing in strength.
"Oh, I see. A dead brother then."
What the actual fuck is happening right now? Is this guy telepathic?
I don't want to give him any sort of clue that he is right, but I'm sure my expression is betraying me. I keep my voice as even as possible when I reply sharply, "Why don't we save the heart to heart's for another time Cas."
His jaw clicks slightly, and I can see that he is tensing it. It must annoy him that I'm not letting him get to me, and I let my satisfaction drown out the hurricane of guilt that threatens my exterior when thoughts of Sam pull at my mind.
"Suit yourself." He shrugs and watches as Gabe pours him another round. I finish mine off as well and ask Gabe for another.
There is an uncomfortable silence between us as Gabe goes to the kitchen to grab my dinner and I find myself wanting to break it, but not knowing how.
Finally I decide to throw him a bone, for some unknown reason, and ask him something that's been bugging me ever since we met.
"How did you know I was a widower?"
Castiel turns his head to face mine again, a contemplative look on his face. I can tell he is trying to decide whether to tell me or not, and I fear that maybe my unwillingness to play his game earlier may cause him to keep his mouth shut.
So it surprises me when he reaches down the bar and pulls my left hand into his.
He leans over enough to point to my ring finger with his other hand. His skin is as warm as I remember it to be, and there is just as much electricity flowing through us as there was when we shook hands for the first time. My heart is noticeably beating harder at the contact, and I pray super-hearing isn't one of his apparent supernatural abilities.
"You have a wedding ring tan, but you didn't seem angry, just depressed." He says it simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and he when he finishes he waits much longer than necessary to let go of my hand. To be fair, I don't pull myself away either.
He is close enough to smell the whiskey and smoke on his breath, which helps calm my hormones just enough to keep my dick flaccid. There is something else though too, something earthy and light that seems to belong to him alone. It is drawing me in, and I can see myself beginning to lean closer to this man who can tell so much about me with just one look.
When Gabe returns with my burger a second later, Cas gives me a little smile that tells me he knows how much I enjoy his hand being in mine, and I curse myself before pulling it out of his grasp.
Castiel slowly rights himself and leans back in to his seat.
"I leave you alone for two seconds and this is what I find." Gabe shakes his finger at Castiel. "Be good Cassie, this one is too good for you."
I give Gabe a big smile that is supposed to say "You're damn right" but I'm pretty sure looks more like, "Thank you so much for saving me because if you hadn't of come back right then, I may have kissed that smirk right off of him."
I think I know the answer, but my next question comes out of my mouth before I can stop it. "Have you ever been married Cas?"
"Do I look like the white picket fence type?" He answers back, eyes on the television above the bar, instead of me.
"That's not what I asked." I say back without hesitation. I start on my burger, and hum around it because it's unbelievably delicious and I smile appreciatively to Gabe.
Castiel turns back to regard me, his eyes squinting as he sizes me up. Eventually, he just shrugs. "I've never had the occasion."
"He means no one in their right mind would chose him for longer than a weekend in Vegas." Gabe interjects, and a piece of me has to hold back the scowl I want to give the bartender for that comment.
"I see." I say instead. "Well, maybe you just haven't found the right person."
Cas gives me another one of his infuriating smiles and my entire body comes alive.
"Are you proposing to me Dean?"
It's another thirty minutes of pointed silence and occasional banter before I decide it would behoove me to get my ass in my car and head home. It has become pretty obvious to myself, and anyone with in a thirty mile radius, that my crush is not so much in the past but in the fuck me right here and now, and I need to get the hell out of here.
"Thanks Gabe, that'll do it for me." I push my credit card towards him and he finishes drying the glass he is working on.
"Sure thing, Dean-O." Gabe takes my card and turns away to run it at the register.
"How about a ride home?"
The question comes from beside me, and it feels like my entire world has gone off kilter when I turn to its source. I swallow hard, pushing back the butterflies trying to make their escape through my mouth.
I should say no, I know this.
But then again, there is no power on this earth that can stop my lips from parting to agree. I make sure to shrug a bit, and keep my face impassive, so that he doesn't see the thrill run through me at his predatory smile.
Gabe turns back to me and hands me my receipt. Castiel is already pulling on his jacket and heading towards the exit, a twenty dollar bill sitting under his empty glass.
As I sign the receipt, Gabe leans down to speak to me quietly. "You know what you're doing there?" Gabe's eyes are on Cas, and I instinctively turn to watch him walk out the door too, his impeccable ass demanding to be noticed.
I gulp down whatever I was about to say, and the truth comes sputtering out instead.
"Not even close."