His eyes blinked reluctantly open in the harsh sunlight. He groaned and turned to bury his face in his pillow.
Nike...
His dream was quickly slipping away, trickling through his fingers like sand. No matter how tightly he tried to hold on, only one thing stayed clear: he was sure it had been about her.
He let his memories wash him away, back to where she waited, a bright smile on her face and a bittersweet song on her lips.
I want to see her. I need to see her. I want to go home to her.
But the eyes that met his when he finally looked up were dark brown, not green.
"Your Majesty, you're crying."
Immediately, Livi reached to wipe his tears.
"Sorry," he said, his voice shaking. Get a hold of yourself, Livius.
"No, please don't apologize," Talea said. There was a faraway look in her eyes as she sat up, wrapped in her blanket. A few dark bloodstains had formed where the white fabric touched her back.
He thought he'd steeled himself, but he still felt a fresh wave of guilt overwhelm him.
"Are you okay?"
He saw her automatically tighten her hold on the blanket.
"I'm fine, Your Majesty."
You don't have to lie, I can see how hard you're trying.
"I know I said there wasn't any turning back, but I'm still sorry. It must have hurt."
"Apologizing doesn't become you, Livius," she said, smiling sadly. "Weren't we going to hell and back?"
"Yes, but until you recover, I promise I won't touch you again." He sat up and swept her hair back, so that the side of her neck was exposed. "Sorry for this, Talea," he said quietly, leaning in to press his lips to her skin. He heard her make a pained noise as he left his mark. "If he asks, show him that. It should be enough to satisfy your father for the time being."
She put a hand over the kiss mark as he pulled away.
"Thank you, Livius."
"We're lovers now, so don't thank me. Oh and the next time you come, we're playing cards."
She would never admit it to His Majesty, but Talea was in constant agony.
It had been years since she'd had a whipping this severe, and her father had not held back. She could hardly walk, even days later, and it was all she could do to stop herself from limping when she returned to her room that morning.
"Milady, I have to treat your wounds before you rest," Rosalind said as soon as Talea sat on the bed. Every morning and every night, the wounds had to be cleaned to prevent them from becoming infected. Horrified at her unwilling betrayal, Rosalind insisted on doing this herself, as penance. She tried hard to be gentle, but even the soft dabbing of the wet cloth and the medicine was enough to make Talea wail in anguish.
As Rosalind prepared the water basin, Talea stretched out on her stomach, ignoring the sharp pain in her body. Her thoughts turned to the promise she and the king had made the night before.
I'm not my father's pawn anymore. Even if I have to walk down the path he chose for me, I won't let him control me. This is my decision.
Livi answered the door around midnight. He had caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror earlier and he knew he looked completely unprepared for visitors. He had dark circles under his eyes and his clothes were disheveled; there was a wine stain on his shirt and his hair was sticking up at the back. He didn't care anymore.
When he opened the door and saw Talea and her maid, his expression grew dark.
"You can't be serious," he said, addressing Rosalind. "In this condition?! What the hell is he thinking?!"
"I... I don't know, Your Majesty," Rosalind said, her voice trembling in fear.
"That bastard," Livius muttered. He stepped aside reluctantly and allowed them in.
Rosalind stayed just long enough to help Talea take off her cloak and unbutton the back of her chemise. Once she was satisfied that her mistress wouldn't suffer too much from the cloth sticking to her back, the maid bowed and took her leave.
They stood awkwardly in front of the fire for a few minutes after the door closed, neither knowing what to say.
"I'm sleeping on the chaise," he said abruptly.
"Your Majesty, we can't..."
"Shut up, you think I don't know what's at stake?! You think I haven't been agonizing over it?! You have no idea how I feel!" Livi shouted, tearing at his hair in outrage. "A month ago I would have traded your life for hers gladly! I would have slit your throat myself if it meant I could guarantee Nike's safety."
He thought she might be shocked to hear that, but her expression remained blank. He clenched his fists and continued to yell at her, venting out his frustrations.
"But then you promised to help me, and you kept that oath. You found a way to protect her and you didn't hesitate to see it through. I selfishly let you lie for us, even though you knew much better than me what the consequences would be. How can I disregard your feelings when you've already suffered so much to prove your loyalty?! Even I'm not made of ice, Talea Dainer! I refuse to be part of this madness!"
He stalked over to the chaise and sat down, sinking his face into his hands. Think, think! There has to be a way out! Dainer won't make the same mistake again; he's bound to post guards and spies to monitor us. Even if we make a show about it, I'm sure he'll find some cruel, twisted way to find out the truth. He's not above torturing either of us if he suspects we're not being honest. And if we're caught, I don't think he'll be giving us another chance. He's dangerous, and he's made it clear he hates Nike.
The thought of her ripped through his heart.
No, nothing will happen to her, I have to believe that. I have to protect her, and I have to protect Talea. I won't abandon an ally, not like this. Think, Livius!
A warm weight settled next to him.
"Your Majesty, do you know the oath courtiers make when they enter the imperial palace?"
"Who do you think I am?! Of course I know," he snapped, annoyed at having his thoughts interrupted.
"For the Sun God, my country, and my king, I swear to serve and protect the royal family. I betray them at the price of my life and my life alone," she recited.
"Pretty words that mean nothing," Livi spat, his hand still viciously tugging at his hair.
"Yes, just pretty words," Talea agreed, and Livi frowned. That wasn't what he'd expected her to say.
"When I made that oath, I didn't take it very seriously," she continued, flinching slightly as she shifted her weight. "I've always lived in a strict household, so I felt like I was just trading one master for another. I followed my father's orders and moved to court, where I would have to follow the royal family's orders instead."
"You..."
"Let me speak, Your Majesty," she said, holding up a hand. "I've never told anyone this, but as you can imagine, my sister and I grew up dreading being punished, more than most children. She was braver than me and every beating made her stronger and more defiant. She was always trying to protect me, but we were so far apart in age that she was sent away when I was still young. Once she was gone, I had to fend for myself. I learned to stay out of the way and do as I was asked. Just like that, I tried my best to be a courtier that no one would complain about. I wasn't interested in catching anyone's eye or begging favors. I just wanted to do my job quietly, on the sidelines, so no one would have reason to punish me."
He had a flashback of her standing off to one side whenever there was an event. Back then he'd assumed it was because she was dull and shy and he'd quickly forgotten all about her.
"Most people left me alone, but Princess Nike wouldn't let me do that," she said, smiling at the memory. "I'm sure she didn't know my circumstances, but she worried about me. She was always showing me something she thought was interesting, or introducing me to another courtier, or inviting me to do something with her. It was new to me, and I was awkward, but people in the palace started noticing me. Other ladies in waiting started asking me to paint together with them, the servants were happy for a pleasant chat, and people remembered my name. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had friends, like it was okay to have fun, and it was all thanks to Her Majesty."
"That's just like her," he said, sighing. "She sees someone struggling and she can't leave them alone." That's how it was with me.
"Yes, she was very kind to me, and I regret not having more time to let her know how much I appreciated her companionship." Talea absentmindedly fidgeted with her hands as she talked.
"As you've seen, my parents don't think much of the princess. They look at her and all they see is an uncultured, insolent child who doesn't deserve the throne. But I know better. Princess Nike is vital to this country. She's brought stability and peace and she works hard to be a ruler worthy of leading us forward. But most importantly, if you pardon my rudeness, Your Majesty, she's also vital to you." She locked her eyes onto him. "Everyone knows you are a splendid king, Your Grace, but Princess Nike brings a balance our country needs. You provide the structure and the wisdom to run the kingdom fairly, but Nike-sama provides the empathy and charisma to inspire our loyalty. Any courtier can tell you how much brighter the future has become, both inside and outside the palace, because she's there at your side."
He couldn't help it. He burst into laughter.
"Ah, I guess all my planning wasn't just lip service after all," he chuckled. "I didn't have much confidence that it would work, but there we go. She owes me a date."
Building up that rhetoric of Nike as the opposite of the Sun was a good move, in the end. If only it had convinced everyone.
"Your Majesty?"
"Oh, it's nothing important. Sorry for interrupting."
"Not at all," she said. "I apologize for my rudeness." She looked pensively at the flickering flames in the fireplace for a moment. "Your Majesty, you may not believe me, but I'm deeply sorry for everything my family has done. When I saw you and Her Highness attacked at your wedding, I remember being filled with self hatred. I was a coward; I should never have abandoned you and fled for my own life. But Princess Nike didn't even think to blame me when I came to say my farewells. She was simply concerned about our safety. I've never felt so ashamed as I did when she thanked me sincerely for being her companion.
"I couldn't do anything for her then, and I promised myself I would protect her the next time. But I failed; I wasn't able to deceive my father. This is the only way left to help her."
He scoffed angrily.
"Complying with your father's wishes isn't going to help anyone but him," he seethed. "If he succeeds, he'll tear the country apart. Nike won't understand, we're still betraying her. She'll never believe us and your father will stop at nothing to send her back to the Rain Duchy."
"Maybe so, Your Highness, but if it means she'll be alive, if it means that someday, you might be able to see her again, shouldn't you take the option that gives you that chance?" She was digging her nails into her wrists but she didn't seem to notice the pain. "If I can save her life, I don't care if she hates me. I don't care if she curses me, I don't care if she thinks I've betrayed her. If she's alive, then I have done my part as her courtier and that's all that matters to me," she said, something fierce glinting deep within her eyes. It was a look he recognized, and suddenly he understood why she was doing this.
"You love her, don't you?" The color that flooded her cheeks was all he needed to confirm it.
"N-no... I...!"
"Ugh, damn it, I can't believe it... She's still more popular than me!" he gave a sharp bark of laughter and covered his face again. "Ugh, I'm so lame, I'm her husband, but while I've been running in circles, you're the one who's been thinking of her the most."
"Your Majesty, I'm sorry! Please don't think that I-"
"Don't apologize, you idiot," he said softly. "If there's anyone who understands what it's like to be saved by Nike, it's me."
An awkward silence fell between them. Talea avoided catching his eye.
"What a pair we are," Livi finally said, sighing loudly. "Two people in love with the same woman, stuck in this nightmare together. It's almost poetic... how ridiculous."
She gave a soft laugh. "When you put it that way, Your Majesty, it does seem ironic."
"Mmm," he agreed. "You know, you said your sister was the brave one, but I think you're wrong."
"Huh?"
"You've always been alone, but you never gave up. I don't see a coward when I look at you. All I see is a survivor. It takes one kind of nerve to fight, but it takes a whole other level to weather a storm to the end. You're the bravest woman I think I've ever met."
She blushed again.
"Thank you for bringing me to my senses... Talea." She looked startled; he had never called her by name before. "If it means we can save her, if it means she's still alive somewhere, then I'll gladly go to hell and back."
He stood up and offered her his hand.
"I'm sorry for what I'm about to do, but I beg you, Talea, help me protect Nike."
Gingerly, she put her hand in his and he helped her up. Though she was older than him, he was taller than her by a good deal.
"Of course, Your Majesty."
"No, call me Livius. If we're going to hell, we're not going as a king and his subject. We're going as Livius and Talea, two equals willing to throw everything away to protect the person they love."
"But..." she hesitated.
"I'm not your king anymore," he insisted. "You owe me nothing. From now on, no matter what people think, we're partners."
"Y-yes... you're right... Livius."
He pressed his hand to her cheek and leaned down to kiss her gently, careful not to make her strain her back.
"This is a loveless alliance, but I promise I'll be gentle. Please, forgive me. There's no turning back now."
Livi didn't get out of bed that day. He lay alone, tangled in his sheets, his emotions threatening to overwhelm him.
Forgive me, Nike. I promised I would never be with another woman, but I had no choice. Hate me if you must, but please, please, live. Even if you're taken away from me, even if you never want to see me again, as long as you're alive, it doesn't matter. Someday, I'll come home to you and I'll spend the rest of my life atoning for what I've done. Wait for me, Nike.
He turned on his side without thinking, but he immediately regretted it. The sheets where Talea had lain were streaked with blood. His stomach churned with self hatred.
I'm sorry, Talea. We may be in this together, but I know the burden is heaviest on you.
Despite his complicated feelings about the situation, he felt a connection with the small, dark haired girl that went far beyond whatever physical bond they had shared.
His first impression of her, all those months ago when she was first brought to court, had been woefully inadequate. Back then, he'd seen a shy, quiet girl, always ready to give a polite smile, always careful not to tread on important toes. He knew that Nike liked her, but he himself had thought her dreadfully dull.
When compared to someone like Nike, who was always a whirlwind of emotion and action, Talea had seemed like a blade of grass; she was invisible, just another court lady in a sea of nobles, quickly forgotten and easily replaced. But now, now that he knew her circumstances, he realized he had been wrong.
While a beautiful flower lived a short and frivolous life, a blade of grass was resilient. It continued to survive after being stepped on, after being buffeted against its will in all directions. A blade of grass resisted when pulled and had the power to slice through a careless fingertip. Those who tried to pull the grass would feel mild annoyance and put it from their minds. But to that single blade of grass, holding firmly to its roots was everything.
Now he understood. Talea had been holding on her whole life, fighting not to break.
In truth, they weren't all that different. The world had dealt them both a bad hand in life, and they'd had to struggle just to survive. Even without Nike's presence, they were eerily similar people. Perhaps, in another life, they could have been good friends.
Fate is a strange thing, isn't it, Nike?