Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 2, Scene 3
Benvolio and Mercutio wake up, surrounded by bottles of wine and in various states of undress.
MERCUTIO: Oh shit, did we?
BENVOLIO: We totally did.
MERCUTIO: If you tell anyone, I'll kill you with my bare hands.
BENVOLIO: But if you ever want to go again, you have my number…
MERCUTIO: I may just take you up on that…
They begin to frolic; Mercutio wrestles Benvolio to the ground and places his hands in very unfortunate places. Benvolio 'accidentally' grabs Mercutio in a very unfortunate place, and Mercutio 'accidentally' turns Benvolio onto his front. Before anything illicit can happen, a very startled messenger arrives.
MESSENGER: I come bearing a message for one Romeo Montague!
BENVOLIO: We'll take it. He didn't come back last night.
Messenger leaves, climbs awkwardly onto his horse, and gallops away.
MERCUTIO: What does it say?
BENVOLIO: i challenge u 2 a duel, xTybaltx. P.S. Benvolio, wanna get sum pizza w me nxt Tuesday?
MERCUTIO: Tybalt is going to own Romeo! I can't wait to see his hands all over Romeo's body, their massive swords dripping with sweat, [CENSORED]
BENVOLIO: Ooh! I have a date! What should I wear?
MERCUTIO: How about tights and a mini dress, like the rest of us?
AUTHOR: Yeah, so not gay.
BENVOLIO: I know! Tybalt's legs are to die for!
MERCUTIO: Not to mention his gorgeous eyes, his sexy voice, his long, dark hair…
BENVOLIO: And his sweet ass…
MERCUTIO: Why do you like Tybalt so much?
BENVOLIO: I don't know, why do you like Tybalt so much?
MERCUTIO: I'm not gay, okay!
BENVOLIO: But we just-
MERCUTIO: No. That meant nothing!
BENVOLIO: But I thought what we had was special!
Romeo enters, smelling strongly of ye olde weede. Benvolio proceeds to cry in a corner.
MERCUTIO: Where did you get to last night, young man?
ROMEO: I was out a-courting!
MERCUTIO: Then why do you smell like ye olde weede?
ROMEO: Because I am getting married on the morrow!
MERCUTIO: To whom? Benvolio?
ROMEO: No way, the person I'm marrying is much younger…
BENVOLIO: Traitorous paedophile!
ROMEO: But I love her!
MERCUTIO: 'Her'? But we all thought-!
ROMEO: Just because a guy likes to wear tights and get blowjobs from another very attractive man and go to all-male brothels and-
MERCUTIO: You have just proved you're gay!
ROMEO: No I'm not!
BENVOLIO: Romeo, I believe it's time you came out of the closet.
ROMEO: What?
MERCUTIO: You aren't fooling any of us. Just say it and get over it already.
BENVOLIO: Then maybe we can get down to business…
Nurse, who had been standing just outside the door for the last few minutes, bursts in at this point.
NURSE: Romeo! You had better not be playing my beloved Juliet!
ROMEO: Of course not! I love her, and her pre-pubescent body!
NURSE: Okay, that's good enough for me.
ROMEO: Can you get her to see Friar Lawrence tomorrow?
NURSE: The stoner?
ROMEO: Yep, that's the one. She should go to confession before she marries me.
NURSE: Sure. I'll think of a way for you to sneak into her room as well, if you like.
ROMEO: Thanks! Now I'm off to bang Benvolio!
BENVOLIO: Yey!
NURSE: I'M LEAVING NOW.
AUTHOR: And this is the guy who is supposedly not gay?