Chapter ten
I was sitting on a kitchen chair in Montes and Lisas house. We just had a dinner together with their adorable kids. Now we were in the kitchen. Lisa was washing dishes, Monte was drying and putting them in different boards in their kitchen. They were so cute together. Sometimes when I watch them I see how their minds work together. They just look at each other and know what they want, what they need. You can feel the love between them.
There was almost silence in their house. I was holding Beatrix in my arms. She was looking up at me with her big eyes, slowly falling asleep. So sweet! I looked back at Monte and Lisa. They already finished cleaning up. Monte pulled Lisa in his arms standing behind her and put his head on her shoulder whispering something in her ear. She smiled back at him and kissed him on his lips. They smiled looking in each other eyes.
I want this too... I sigh escaped my lips.
They looked at me. "Something wrong with you, Adam? You seemed to be a little out of it, tonight." Lisa asked me.
"It's nothing and almost everything. I don't know. It's just... It's about Tommy." It was a relief to put it out. Lisa turned to Monte, gave him a peck on his lips and walked over to me to take her daughter. She stroked over my face and gave me a smile. "I bring the kids to bed. I will need some time." She gave Monte a look and walked out. Monte got us a bottle of red wine and two glasses and directed me to their living room. We sat down on the dining table, he poured us some wine. I took a sip and looked on the table.
He chuckled. "Adam, I can't help you, if you don't talk to me." I sighed once again.
Where sholud I start? Mabe right with the most important?
"Tommy told me he loves me!" I just spit out and looked at his face. He just smiled. "Nothing really new for me, dude." My face dropped. "What...?" I was really confused. "Come on, Adam. Everbody who had seen you both together is waiting for you to become a couple." His smile grew bigger. "You remember the party after the tour here in my house?" I nodded. "I was asked about a hundred times since when you were officialy together." He was now laughing.
I was shocked. "What do you mean?" He stopped laughing and looked at me. "Adam, seriously? You are all over him with your eyes and your hands and he is all over you. When you've got something to eat for you, you brought some food for him. Not anything, just the stuff you know he likes. And he knows exactly when and what you need to drink. And no matter how often I asked you where Tommy was, you always knew without looking around. You and Tommy you both have a connection like a couple, I mean without words. You are just so real together, I don't know. I kind of like you even more when Tommy is around. He gets the best out of you. I can't explain this." He took a sip of wine and kept looking at my face. I was so confused and my face showed it.
"I don't get it. Everybody have seen it. How come I didn't?" I asked more myself then him. He was again laughing at me. "Look, Adam. You have had a crazy time the last year. The album, the tour, the fans. This is so much to take and to work out, you were just blind. Not able to see what was happening in front of you. But what is now? Can you see it now?"
"That is not that simple, you know. The other day Tommy and I were friends, then we become ... I don't even know how to call it." My voice is now a little hysterical. "Adam, calm down. No need to go mad." He laid his hand on my shoulder.
"Why are you so confused about Tommy? Don't you want what he wants?" He looked me straight in my eyes. I blinked the tears away. "I do and at the same time I don't. I mean, I don't really know what I want. I even don't know what I feel" I almost whisper in answer. He pulls me in a side hug, patting my back. "I always thought we were just friends. And now I am too afraid to think about what I really feel for him. It is so... so scaring me. I even don't understand why, I mean it's still Tommy. Nothing changed, but at the same time everything changed." I sighed. "He told me he will wait for me. He is so sure about us, about what we could be. And I am going crazy about it." I confessed to him.
"Adam, I understand that you are afraid. I mean I know you pretty good, at least I think so. You are always so positive, telling everyone how important and good it is to have love in their lifes. But when it hits you, you want to run away. But you must understand, in some way we all have to get through it. Falling in love is always scary. You must open yourself, that makes you vulnerable. It is a venture, but you need to take it, if you want to be happy." His voice was calm and comforting.
I thought about what he said for a while. "Monte, I am not a teenager. I can't fall head over heels without thinking about the consequences. I have to make a rational decision." As I finished that sentence I looked up at him. He was smiling again. "No, Adam this is not about rationality, it's about heart. You have to let go and let your heart decide. And let me tell you one thing: in love stuff we always will be like stupid teenagers. It doesn't matter how old we grow, we will always act foolish when we fall for someone." He laid his hand over my hand. "You have to take a step and just jump and hope Tommy will catch you when you fall." He said.
I must laugh about that:"Wow this was sappy." I wipe the last tears away. "You know what I mean. And let me tell you: Tommy is a great guy and he WILL catch you."
I know that, deep in my heart I know that.
"So it's your choice now. What do you want?" Without a second thought I simply answered: "I want Tommy." I was surprised about my own answer. "Yes, I DO want Tommy." Monte looked at me and punched my arm. "Monte you are a really good friend, do you know that? I should have talked to you before I almost lost my mind." I told him sadly looking at my fingers.
"There is something more, isn't it?", he saw my hesitation. "What if... I mean I don't know if I am ready?" I was stuttering and stopped then. "You mean, what if it works?" I nodded slightly. "Are you afraid that it WILL work? Really?" He asked in disbelief. "Yeah, somehow. I know this is crazy. But I think this is the most scaring part of the whole thing." I was trembling a little. "Adam, once again: this is not a rational decision. You have to answer two questions with your heart: Do you want to be with Tommy and do you love Tommy?" his eyes met my eyes.
But this are THE questions, I'm not ready to answer. But maybe I just should...
"Adam, just try." He simply said.
I closed my eyes. Images of Tommy began to circle around my head. All the times we spend together, all the small touches, the kisses, all the looks, his smile.
He is beautiful outside and inside.
Finally Monte gave me the strenght to open my safe. But could I admit it...
"Monte," I answered after a few moments of gathering myself "I love him so fucking much, it almost kills me! I want to be with him more than anything else. But what if this is not enough? What if I am not good enough? I messed up my former relationships, so I will probably mess up this one too." There was still insecurity in me. I didn't even recognize that I have admited loud that I loved Tommy. It came out naturally.
Monte looked at me and smiled. "Did you hear what you just said? You love him, you want to be with him and that is enough to start from. And it doesn't matter what was in the past. This will be a brand new start with Tommy. And don't forget: This is Tommy, the best guy I could imagine for you. Just let him love you and enjoy it. No need to be afraid of the big possibility to be happy!" He clapped and stood up. "Now I will make us coffee, I am sure Lisa will want to have one too. So I leave you to sort out what you want to do next." He left the room.
I knew he was right. I must open my heart for Tommy and let him touch my soul. No matter how much this is scaring me.
He already touched your soul and you are still alive.
Yeah, I am alive. And to be honest, I am more alive since Tommy came into my life.
He ist the one for me. Finally I found the better part of me.
Suddenly I realized: the safe in my heart was gone, there was just a slight memory of something dark. And everything felt so right and easy.
Monte came back with Lisa, they brought coffee. Monte looked at me:"Adam you have to be carefull." I looked at him, taking a cup of coffee, almost frozen at his words. "Don't let anybody else find out how great Tommy is. They might steal him from you." Monte was just teasing me, but I almost choked on my coffee.
What?
Lisa looked at my horrified face and punched Monte lightly on his chest. "Monte, how can you say something like that. Don't you see how much he loves Tommy?" She pulled me in a hug and whispered in my ear: "He is just joking, but you shouldn't waste your time. Go and get your man!"
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