Cosima sat in her room debating on which video to show Delphine first. They agreed after their first intense viewing day to take time apart to regroup and rest. At first, Cosima wanted to protest. It wasn't what they agreed on initially and she really, really wanted to share her day with the leggy blonde. But when Delphine came out of her viewing room, she looked like she had run a marathon. Cosima could see from her puffy eyes that she had been crying. The shorter woman was sure she looked the same way. Still, Delphine smiled when their eyes locked on to one another's and they embraced in the hall while their arrows did their familiar swirling of colors. Delphine promised that they would catch up tomorrow after breakfast, but she wanted to just be alone with her thoughts.
Now, Cosima sat on the beat up velvet couch in her room waiting for her favorite doctor to come in as she adjusted every pillow just so.
"Bonjour, ma cherie!" Delphine said happily as she sauntered through the door. Cosima made no effort to get up and greet her, choosing instead to watch her walk over to the couch. Any opportunity to see Delphine move her body, Cosima was going to take.
"Hey there, Doctor Smiles," she teased.
"So, you are not going to get up and greet me?" Delphine asked her as she stood over her. Cosima shook her head while she swung her legs onto the couch and crossed them casually.
"Nah, you're a big girl. You practically live here. Plus, you know you're not the Queen of England." she teased while she put her interlocked hands behind her head and scooted further down the couch, to take up the entire length of it. She wiggled her eyebrows at the blonde. "Come on, you big tree, move me if you can."
"Dismantler of Dreams, you are too much." Delphine informed her before she leaned down and started to tickle the unsuspecting brunette. Cosima squealed, kicking her legs up as soon as Delphine's long fingers got underneath her ticklish armpits and neck.
"Delphinnnnne!" she screamed excitedly as she tried to get away, but the blonde had blocked her path and now Cosima, breathless from laughing to hard, tried to reach up and tickle Delphine back, to no avail.
"Say oncle," Delphine demanded, her accent thicker the longer she laughed along with the brunette and as the tickle torture continued.
"Un-UNCLE!" Cosima finally managed to get out as she curled into a ball to protect herself.
"There." Delphine said stopping immediately. "That is what happens when you mess with the tickle champ. And when your cheekiness is less than cute."
"It was never 'cute' Delphine," Cosima protested as she continued to breathe hard. "It's adorable. And it's what you love about me."
The taller woman smiled down at the object of her affection, but kept her mouth shut. Today was the day she was going to confess a bunch of things to Cosima while they were in playful moods. But something was holding her back. Even though Cosima was looking at her now, all hopeful and smiling. Her teeth on full display and her eyes shining. She just couldn't just open her mouth to say it.
"What?" Cosima asked curiously as Delphine had been giving her doe eyes for a few moments and smiling but not saying anything. Cosima was sure that she matched her expression, still the doctor looked like she had a confession .
"Can we watch your videos first?" Delphine said instead.
"Sure." Cosima conceded letting her off of the hook. "Will you tell me later?"
"Bien sûr, Cosima," she promised with a sigh. It wasn't fair to keep her feelings for Cosima a secret, she knew that. They didn't have a lot of time for her to be coy or fearful. Their time together had an expiration date and she promised Cosima that she would be there with her to make every moment count. Still, it was so...she couldn't put her finger on it. No, the blonde decided, shaking her head to herself. She couldn't tell her. At least not in this moment.
The smaller woman had missed the entire internal dialogue as she nervously put in the disc and selected her college admissions memory first. When it was over, Cosima looked over to see Delphine stifling a laugh. "What? What is so funny about any of what you just saw?"
She couldn't hold it in any longer. She tried to just giggle a little, but as soon as she removed her hand from her mouth a full on belly laugh erupted from her. She held her sides as she bent down to catch her breath. Her loose updo had come loose and her blonde locks fell over her shoulders she she continued to hide her face. Cosima frowned and continued to playfully scowl at her until Delphine finally sat up and ran her hands through her hair. "Goddess," she whispered to herself, looking at the blonde dumbstruck.
"What?" Delphine asked breathlessly as she wiped her eyes. Her laugh had settle down to a few chuckles, but anytime she looked at Cosima, her laughing started up again.
"Hey!" Cosima exclaimed pinching her side. "I was a teenager! I had a right to be awkward."
"I know, cherie. I know. But everything was so, um," she looked to the sky and licked her lips trying to find the right words. "Um...dated!"
"Dated?" Cosima asked for confirmation.
"Yes, um, the clothes, the phones, the music...wait, Co-si-ma…" Delphine paused, putting a supportive hand on Cosima's shoulders. Cosima looked at the blonde seriously, effectively matching her expression. "Was that a sex jams cd?" she asked before bursting into hysterics again.
"Argh, no!" Cosima turned a dark shade of red before she picked up a pillow and tried to smother Delphine's laughter. Delphine still in near hysterics was stronger and easily pushed the smaller woman off of her, maneuvering herself so that her full body lying flush against the brunette's. Cosima looked up surprised and ceased all of her struggling. All of her bravado, all of her rehearsing some snappy, witty remark. It was all gone. With Delphine's fully weight on her and her hair curtaining around their faces, words, for the first time in a very, very long time, had abandoned her. "Delphine…" she whispered as she slowly closed her eyes hoping that this was the moment that their slow dance to the moment she had been dreaming about had arrived.
"Désolée, Cosima," Delphine said quietly and just as quick as she was there, she was sitting on her side of the couch again.
"I wish taking a cold shower would help me," was all she said. Delphine hummed in agreement, but didn't say anything for a while. Both women cleared their throats, but remained silent. Cosima stood up and adjusted her skirt and sat down. The reticent women occasionally stole glances at one another to ensure that the other wouldn't flee, still they remained in an uncomfortable silence.
After a few minutes of heavy silence, Delphine spoke up. "What was that noise?"
"What noise?" Cosima asked grateful for a break in the quiet.
"When you were..um...with your girlfriend...there was a noise, like a pounding almost. Does that make sense?" she asked while her eyebrows stayed creased.
"Yes. I don't know what that was. Like I should right? It's my memory and all. But I just...there's a blank space there." she confessed in frustration. She had wracked her brain for a better part of the night, but that block in her brain had remained. "It was weird because once the memory was over, I was here again and crying. But I don't remember that memory being sad. I mean aside from the obvious march down 'little to no experience in sex' lane."
"That is weird. I had a similar issue," Delphine confessed. She relayed the story of watching her younger self walking down the street but catching the briefest of glimpses that something wasn't right. But she couldn't recall why that would be.
"Yeah, well this place is weird. I'll ask Kev about it tomorrow. I think I'm due to visit the dude. I'm sure he's missed me." Cosima replayed confidently. She started the second video soon after.
When Rashida made an appearance, Cosima's small, but sad smile did not not go unnoticed by Delphine. She may have dipped her head to hide the expression, her dreads obscuring her face to the doctor beside her, but Delphine could still make out the tiniest of expressions one has after thinking about or seeing a long lost love coming from Cosima. She sat and watched the two women on screen, feeling no feelings of jealousy of the woman that held that Cosima's heart. She only sensed the love that the two younger women had for one another.
When the phone rang and Cosima answered it, Delphine noticed that her Cosima tensed up just as the younger version did. "Your father?" she asked. Cosima nodded and blinked, but remained tense and quiet. Delphine wanting to drag Cosima away from the dark mood would easily slip into, rubbed her knee and cuddled closer to her and resting her head on the shorter woman's shoulder. Just to give her some reassurance. The brunette turned to kiss the top of Delphine's head, then her temple. Before she reached her lips, Delphine pulled away and turned Cosima's head back to the screen.
More minutes went by as Delphine began to lazily trace circles on Cosima's thigh. Cosima tried to play it cool and breathe normally, but if Delphine had been more focused on her than on the television, she would know what her absent minded touches were doing to her.
"You're naked!" Delphine exclaimed excitedly digging her nails into thighs from the shock of it, as the Cosima on screen hopped out of bed to dig in her bag.
Cosima had forgotten about that part and blushed an even deeper shade of red than before. She tried to play it off by saying, "Well if you like that, just imagine that plus a few more years of neglect and stress. That's hot right? And it's all yours." she remarked playfully. Her intentions were to first stop Delphine from pointing out every embarrassing thing that appeared on screen and to shift her focus on maybe getting a little physical with the very real, and very willing version on herself.
But Delphine didn't budge. She was too enamored by the younger version of the woman stammering and looking at Rashida like she was the only woman in the world. She was witnessing for the first time, that Cosima when in love, (or stuck in a place where you're incapable of lying) her face, her face full of naked expression said everything before she spoke. She hoped that Cosima would one day come close to looking at her like that. She had been in love before, sure. But the power, the sheer strength of Cosima Niehaus' gaze on her lover was unlike anything she witnessed. And she had heard every advance the Cosima sitting next to her threw her way, and she would normally roll her eyes playfully, or engage in the banter, but this moment in front of her was such a profound moment in this woman's life, she couldn't look away. She was witnessing Cosima make a decision that shaped her adult life. How could she not watch with intense focus?
"Come on, Frenchie, I'm throwing softballs out here," Cosima protested.
"Shhhh...what did you grab from your bag?" she asked curiously.
"I'm confused. Can I talk or do you want to be surprised?"
"Hush!" She admonished her again.
Cosima rolled her eyes and watched the screen with occasional glances at the blonde. With Delphine looking so intently at the screen, the memory didn't seem so dire. "It is kinda sweet," she finally said.
"Cosima," she said her voice breaking. "That was...so" she turned to Cosima again while the tears rolled down her face. "You loved her very much," she finally said after Cosima on screen nervously proposed.
"Well, yeah," Cosima agreed like it was the most obvious thing. "I wanted her to be my wife. Love is kind of the baseline to proposing." Try as she might, Cosima couldn't stop her own tears from making their way down her face once Delphine turned to her.
"Yes, but Cosima," Delphine began patiently. She licked her lips and took the bottom one by the teeth as she struggled to find the right words. "You...you had passion for her. Your energy together was like a tornado. Your friend saw it, just as I do."
Cosima looked down at her hands, embarrassed. Suddenly she felt so naked, in a way she hadn't really felt since she was with Rashida. "I gave her everything," she confessed quietly. "But we hurt each other with the same amount of force that we loved each other."
"Je comprends," she responded simply.
"Do you?" Cosima asked sincerely.
"Oui, I understand hurting the one you love the most with all of the tools at your disposal."
"You don't think I'm a horrible person?"
"Cosima, from what I have just witnessed, you are anything but. In fact, you appear to be one of the sweetest, most thoughtful people I have ever met." she said with conviction.
"You don't know me very well then." Cosima said pouting.
"Tu es tort. I can see right through all of your armor. You are sweet. Do not fight me on this."
"Yes, ma'am." Cosima replied brightening a little.
"Besides, you still owe me one more video."
"I do," Cosima said before she broke out into the biggest smile of the night. She moved the arrow on screen until it hovered over the video simply titled, "Oh, God, she's here!" Cosima grabbed Delphine's hand and set it on her lap. "This is probably my most favorite day." she said tearing up despite her wide smile. Together the two women who were becoming closer by the hour sat together on Cosima's dusty old couch and watched a movie. It felt for the first time in a very strange way like they were just two people getting to know each other curled up and watching a movie.
"You really love her, don't you?" Delphine asked after the video ended.
"Cosima smiled sadly. "Yeah, she's my niece. And she's special."
"I can tell. You must be very proud of her." Delphine said quietly as to not disturb Cosima's time to resettle after witnessing Kira's birth again.
"As a peacock," she replied laughing a little through her quiet sniffling.
Delphine smiled back at her as she moved to kneel in front of Cosima. "Do you want to take a break, grab some food?" As she looked at the small window and noticed that what passed as the sun had set and darkness complete with bright stars were in its place.
She nodded and wiped her eyes on her sleeves. "Yeah, it'd be good. Can we just bring it back?"
"Yes. And we must have wine and truffles. I think we've earned it."
"Didn't you have wine and truffles last night?"
"Are you keeping track of what I eat now?" Delphine teased back.
"No, I love a girl with a sweet tooth and a taste for the finer things in the after-life,"
"Brat," she answered as she slapped Cosima's arm. She stood and held out her hand.
"Yeah, but I'm your brat." Cosima said right back. "And I forgot to tell you that you looked very beautiful today." The smaller woman pulled her into a hug. She needed Delphine's strength today more than she realized. As she held her, she wondered, if this was how she felt rewatching happy memories, how would she do once the bad ones started.
Delphine blushed, though she hoped she was discreet about it. But she could tell by Cosima's lopsided grin that she had failed and Cosima had won her over again with flattery.
"Don't worry Cormier. I won't tell Kev that I bagged me a girl that loves to be showered in compliments. Your secret's safe with me."
"Delphine chuckled lowly, squeezing the brunette tightly once more before letting go. "Merci, Cosima. And I won't tell Damon that you have a sex jams cd." she retorted.
"Hey! That was in the past!" Cosima protested as she pouted, with folded arms and everything.
"Cosima…" Delphine said as she held back another giggle fit, "was it not you that had Color Me Badd playing in an effort to seduce me?"
"Ha!" Cosima exclaimed holding out a finger towards Delphine . "You loved that, otherwise you wouldn't have remembered."
"Non," she said steadily. "I remember because it made you look like a, um...what was the word you used? Ah yes, a cornball." she smiled, feeling triumphant when Cosima lowered her finger in defeat. "Now come on," she continued while she led them arm in arm towards the food hall. "I will let you pick which of my memories we watch first." Cosima brightened a little.
"Can I?" she asked switching gears and looking at Delphine with some nervousness.
"Anytime, ma cherie." Delphine answered holding out her hand. Cosima flashed her bright smile at the woman taking a hold of heart while she reached for and squeezed Delphine's hand.
"Thank you for giving me strength today." she said quietly as they moved across the fast moving crowd around them.
"Anything to return what you have already given me, mon am-, Cosima," Delphine replied, hoping that Cosima couldn't and at least didn't notice her slip up. Cosima of course knew exactly what the nervous doctor was about to say. But she wasn't ready to say it outloud. But Cosima, well she knew. She was all too aware of their arrows. The arrows had merged in their unique colors, swirled brightly beneath their feet, propelling them to food. And maybe one day, to the next step. Hopefully swirling colors together.