Except… there is one problem. Of course, I have everything I need to go after Dean's affection. I have reasonable cause, and I have created doubt, which hinders him now. The way he moves makes it clear he is going to be easy to convince. He kept glancing over at me, as if he were making sure he was a good distance away. Like I'll shatter his protective glass covering. If I simply shattered it, I'm sure his true emotions would become clearer. The ones I'm hoping for, anyway. I can only hope – but if I was not confident I would not try.
That isn't my problem. My problem is more… permanent. I'm an Angel. Angel's don't get married. We don't settle down and live in nice houses in heaven and multiply (not that I'd have that problem with Dean). We are… forever. Always. Immortal, in a sense. Affection leads to mingling, and mingling leads to a wish for sex, but we cannot. There need not be more of us. We cannot breed in our true forms. We can only even attempt breeding in human form – and even then, if will be our vessel's descendants, not ours. We do not feel these emotions because they are not necessary.
Developing these… feelings… for Dean has created a rift in me. The more I feed my affection by getting closer to him the more my powers are waning. I have felt the change, and seen it. It is an unraveling spell. If I commit myself to Dean entirely, I will become powerless. Trapped forever in Jimmy Novak. Don't get me wrong, I am attached to my vessel, but without my powers I am… useless. Dean has said so before. Would he want me to do this? Would he still want to be with me, if I was human? I do not know. I have to think he would.
It is a long process. It will not happen all at once. So I will do what I must – and I must try again. I cannot walk around like nothing is wrong anymore. I come every time he calls. I have saved his family and brought him back from Hell at great cost, and would do so immediately again. I see him and I cannot help but gravitate. Even as I've tried to keep myself distanced, it is very hard for me. I need a course of action.
I need a plan.
Emerging from the bathroom, Dean went to the bed stand and put on his watch and necklace, as well as stocking his pockets with the necessities. His hair was damp and combed, his entire self scrubbed clean, his face shaved. The scent of aftershave, soap, and cologne wafted off him. I wonder if he had been thinking about the dream I'd given him late last night. One I had found him in not long ago. In it, he was fishing calmly, on a dock. I added Sam to the dream, napping on the dock bathed in sunlight by his side, and his father, who was sitting in an old fold out chair on his other side, wordless. I made it a family dream. One to help him tie together what he had wished for himself ever since he was young. An entirely peaceful family.
He catches me staring and flashes a nervous grin. "Ready to head out?" He asks. Nodding, I watch him grab the rest of the whiskey and lead the way out the door. I walk out before him and he locks the door. We slide into the Impala and slam the doors, pulling out and into the road. He tosses a map onto my lap. "I heard about some place called sharp point somewhere around here. See if you can find it." I awkwardly unfold the map and squint down at the complex patterns. None of these look like the area at all and I stare at it for twenty seconds trying to decipher it. Dean reaches over and his hand brushes mine as he turns the map right side up, and I glance at him. I knew that. Going back to the map, I located the 'Sharp Point' and studied our distance from it.
"I believe it is twenty miles North West from here," I observed. "Why are we going there?"
"Scenery, Cas," he replies. "We never stop and look at the scenery. Well, you don't."
He was right. I didn't. Not often, anyway. I watched this planet form, watched erosion eat it away, and change it. I never have checked to see if it was still beautiful. Watching out the window, I watched as we turned off the main road and began up a steeper slope. In no time we had climbed the side of a sharp mountain and reached… well, it's point. We climb out and my shoes sink into thick green grass. Everything smells like fresh trees and leaves. Towering trees give way to a short clearing covered in large boulders, leading to the very top of the mountain. A small mountain. Absorbing the clean air, I let my eyes shut, and feel the breeze snatch away the dust of the town. Everything is still and calm.
I hear Dean's door slam and open my eyes to see him smiling in my direction. "Nice, isn't it?" He says, as if this were an old memory. Maybe it was. Nodding, I follow him through the trees, where the canopy light filtered down and dappled over his still-drying nut brown hair. I looked up, and it slid over me as well, filling my eyes with warm sunshine. I look down and watch as Dean's boots sink into the thick grass. The feel of the earth meets us. Out over the edge of the clearing stretches the town, and the land beyond, as far as we can see. Roads and rippling hills. It is beautiful, indeed. The sky kisses the land far out on the horizon. Clouds like white cotton candy drift along the edges of the seemingly endless blue, the sun standing alone, high in the sky, basking us in her glow.
We pick a large boulder and sit. I had not noticed the whiskey bottle swinging from Dean's hand, but it found its way into mine, and we both drank from its cold neck. I knew his head was still in pain, but he was enduring intense sunlight anyway. It makes my skin feel warm. It fills my head with calm. I filed this spot away in my memory forever; it was a fantastic get away, and with not another soul in sight.