A/N - Thanks to everyone who read or reviewed my previous chapters, especially my last one! I went back and read my reviews from the previous chapters and they were all so lovely and encouraging. THANK YOU!

And one in particular made me laugh, it was from Guest and it said 'what asshole stops a story there?'

Good question! I'm very glad I've managed to find the inspiration I had for this story again so I can indeed finish it for people who were following it.

Big Hugs and enjoy the new chapter! X

Chapter 10 – Hate is safer than love

When Harry woke up the next day the first thing he thought of was a flash of green light and the crumpled form of the dead man at his feet. He wondered if it would always be the first thing he remembered each morning. Then he thought of Severus and the surprising conversation they had the night before. He didn't know what to make of it.

Prior to witnessing Severus' memories Harry would never have considered that the man would think much about him once the war was over and he was no longer his professor. Even after knowing how Severus had felt about his mother and the sacrifices he made to keep him safe, he never thought that he would still look at that, at him as his purpose in life five years later. But then again when someone has a singular purpose for living for sixteen years it's probably impossible to let go of it when it's not needed anymore.

Harry felt conflicted about this as a part of him felt so special and honoured to be someone's purpose, their focus in life. But when he thought about everything he knew Severus had suffered through (and he supposed a lot more he didn't know) he couldn't help but wish they had never met. Whatever Severus had done in this life he had more than deserved forgiveness. It bothered him that he still seemed to have such a low opinion of himself, and he wanted to change that. He wanted him to feel special and to be someone's singular purpose in return. He just didn't really know to go about that, and he didn't think Severus would like the idea anyway.

The truth was that Harry was terrified at the thought that he represented hope for another person, let alone someone as damaged as Severus. Hope is such a tenuous thing, fragile and easily squashed. He didn't seem to have much hope himself these days anyway so how could he be that for someone else? And hope for what exactly? A better life? How could he give that to anyone when his own life was in shambles?

He was fully aware that the life he had been living the last five years was woeful. He had been terribly lonely without even realising it, but he knew he just wasn't up to the fully functioning and fairly normal life that Ron and Hermione lived. He needed something between that. He needed someone who would support him and who also craved that kind of a life, a quiet, safe life.

Someone like Severus.

He had no idea what was happening between them, or even when his feelings had changed and grown (he didn't even know what they had grown into), and he couldn't even feel sure that Severus felt the same way. He had said last night that he needed time, that he wasn't ready but what if they weren't feeling the same thing? What if to him this was just a growing friendship?

He cursed his emotional ineptitude as he realised as far as relationships went he might as well be a teenager. He hadn't had a real relationship since he broke up with Ginny just after the war. He strongly suspected that Severus had never had a real relationship at all. No wonder he wasn't ready, he probably wasn't even attracted to him and it was just in his mind. But then he remembered the feel of his hand in his and the feel of Severus' fingers through his hair, and he knew he wasn't alone in this. He just had to give them both time. Besides the man made him completely crazy, burning with anger one second and desire the next, not exactly a good foundation for a relationship.

Harry sighed. Thinking about Severus made him want to see him, and he literally rolled out of bed landing on the floor with a large thump.

'Ow' he exclaimed in shock and he rubbed his ass gingerly. 'Serves me right' he grumbled.

'Potter are you trying to injure my floor?' Severus called from what Harry assumed was the kitchen.

'Yes.' He muttered pulling himself to his feet, his heart sinking slightly at the fact that Severus had gone back to using his last name. Looks like the candour of last night's conversation was over. He pulled a t-shirt over his head and wandered into the kitchen. He gave Severus a nod of acknowledgement and plonked himself grumpily down into a kitchen chair.

Severus gave him an amused look and placed a large cup of coffee in front of him. 'Woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?' he teased.

'I want my wand.' Harry stated angrily.

'They took your wand?' Severus asked in surprise. 'I thought you were cleared.'

'Why would you think I was cleared?' Harry asked in surprise, slowly sipping his coffee.

'You're here aren't you?'

'I was directed to not disappear again.' Harry grunted. 'Not that I successfully disappeared in the first place cause they still found me didn't they?'

Severus wisely didn't answer. 'Do you have to stand trial?'

'No I don't think so. I think honestly they more want to just teach me that I'm not outside the law you know?' Harry frowned. 'Like I don't know that already.'

'Could have fooled me. I spent most of your time at Hogwarts trying to teach you that and it didn't seem to stick.' Severus snorted.

'Really?' Harry glared at him. 'Severus really? Wasn't it you who asked to let go of the past only last night?'

'I meant you not me.'

'Whatever. I don't want to talk about it.' Harry said instantly. He just wanted to forget it. Forget what he did, forget their conversation the night before, forget everything.

'Nor do I particularly.' Severus agreed. 'Aren't you concerned for your safety without your wand?'

'No not really, it's just dead annoying.' Harry said. He supposed he should have felt more concerned about the absence of his wand but the truth was he had mastered wandless magic some time ago and didn't really need it anymore anyway. That wasn't something he intended to confess to the Ministry or anyone else though. Wandless magic was rare, and taxing on the user which was why most wizards never bothered learning it, but after the war when he lost his wand Harry was determined to never again rely on a piece of wood for his protection.

'You don't need it anymore do you?' Severus asked casually.

'Do you need yours?' Harry asked, even though he already knew the answer, after all you don't use a wand to fly.

'You already know the answer to that Potter.' Snape said.

Harry couldn't help smiling to himself. 'Mmmm.' was all he said.

'I may not need mine but that doesn't mean I would willingly give it up either. It's far less tiring to use one.' Severus continued. 'I'm surprised you didn't kick up more of a stink.'

'Who says I didn't?' Harry asked.

Severus raised his eyebrows. 'You'd probably have it if you had. Kingsley has never been good at denying you anything.'

'You over estimate my ability to get my own way.'

'I don't think I do.' Severus said seriously.

Harry sighed. 'Can we please drop it? I don't have my wand, as they don't see me as being under threat anymore and I'll get in back in "due course" whatever that means.'

'It means they'll return it when they think you're no longer a "danger to yourself or others".' Severus quoted.

'Is that what they said to you when they took yours away?' Harry asked.

'I thought we were dropping it?' Severus asked.

'Just answer me.' Harry said, not in the mood for bullshit.

'Well I was on trial for Dumbledore's murder so it was a little more serious.' Severus reminded him. 'I doubt they actually think you're a danger. You're their little hero; they're probably just trying to teach you a lesson.'

'I think killing someone was lesson enough don't you?' Harry said angrily.

Severus didn't say anything at first; he just looked closely at Harry. 'Mmmm.' He said softly. 'That will usually do it.'

Harry suddenly realised that he had no idea how many people Severus had actually killed. He only knew of the one, and that was without a doubt not a murder. 'Severus…' he began.

'Not now.' Severus interrupted. 'Ask me again sometime and maybe I'll answer.' He said, looking away. 'Are you intending to visit your friends this morning?'

Harry wisely went with the subject change. 'Yeah I want to, will you come?'

'No I don't think so.' Severus took a slow sip of his coffee and stared out the window. 'What are your plans after that?'

'I suppose I should go home.' Harry said flatly, disappointed in how little interest Severus seemed to have in him.

'If you wish.' Severus said softly.

'Is that what you wish?' Harry asked uncertain, cursing the waver in his voice that made him sound like a fifteen year old girl.

Severus turned back to look at him. 'What do you want me to say Potter?' He asked tiredly. 'Do you want me to beg you to stay? You should know better.'

'Fine I won't stay.' Harry said angrily. 'But I'm coming back here every day to talk to you. We have a lot to talk about, and I won't let you disappear into nothing again so no one can find you.'

'You're wasting your time.' Severus said turning away again.

'I don't think I am.' Harry said softly. 'Besides it's my time to waste.'

…

By the time Harry arrived at St Mungo's it was nearly 11am. He had dragged his feet somewhat leaving Severus' place partly because he was hoping they would have a more in depth conversation (which hadn't happened) and partly because a small part of him was avoiding Ron and Hermione. He didn't have a clue what to say to them. What if they never looked at him the same way? He tried to push those thoughts away and just trust in his friends, like they would do for him but it was proving to be difficult. He shook his head as if to rid himself of those negative thoughts and headed towards the hospital front counter.

'Excuse me; I'm looking for Ron Weasley's room?' He asked the receptionist.

'Room 75 Spell damage, level 4.' She replied in a bored tone, not even looking up from her copy of Witch Weekly.

Harry thought that was probably for the best as he really couldn't deal with any "oh my goodness you're Harry Potter" nonsense at present, and there were already several people in the waiting room staring at him and whispering.

He sighed and headed quickly towards the lift at the end of the corridor.

The fourth floor was much as it had always been. Most of the ward was full of patients who had attempted spells too powerful for them to cast that had backfired on them or gone awry. He quickly walked past rooms 1 to 46 until he reached room 47, he then paused for a few seconds and took a deep breath before he knocked and then entered.

'Harry!' Hermione's eyes lifted as she saw him and she jumped up and gave him a quick hug. 'I'm so glad to see you!'

'Took you long enough.' Ron grumbled, looking up at him from the bed. His head was covered in a thick bandage. 'I only nearly died and you wait a full 24 hours to come and check on me?'

Harry grinned at them both . 'That bandage is a bit of overkill isn't it mate?' He said. 'You only bumped your head after all.' It was amazing how he felt so much better for seeing them both alive and reasonably well (bandages aside).

'I'll have you know there's an egg the size of a hippogriff under here!' Ron protested feebly.

'Yes honey I know there is.' Hermione said patting Ron gently on the shoulder.

'There there Ron.' Harry added.

'You don't have to be so condescending.' Ron said. 'I'm convalescing here!'

Harry laughed. 'In all honesty I'm just relieved to see you both alive.'

Hermione shook her head. 'I still can't believe it happened Harry. Thanks to you we would probably both be dead. Or at least I would be.'

Ron shuddered. 'I can't believe I let that monster inside our house.'

'It's not your fault Ron.' Harry said immediately.

Ron just shrugged.

'How did he get inside the house though?' Harry asked. 'Surely your house is at least somewhat protected?'

'Of course it was protected Harry what do you take me for?' Hermione said huffily.

Ron nodded. 'It's warded. Or it was. The aurors told us the wards were down when they arrived. He must have taken them down'

'And neither of you remember anything?' Harry asked.

'Not a thing. I don't even remember being knocked out.' Ron said. 'It's a bloody awful feeling to be attacked in your own home and not even remember it. The only relief comes from knowing the assholes dead!'

Harry couldn't help but flinch as he once again saw the flash of green light in front of his eyes.

'Sorry mate, but you know you did the right thing yeah?' Ron said, noticing Harry's reaction. 'We wouldn't be here if you hadn't done it.'

'Yeah I know. Doesn't mean I don't feel sick about it though.' Harry said rubbing a hand over his face tiredly. 'I've never killed anyone before. Also it doesn't help that they can't tell me who he was either'.

'They're saying he was a muggle.' Hermione said. 'But that just doesn't make any sense to me. A muggle couldn't have done that. I was in a full body bind with my memory modified. That doesn't make any sense.'

'If he was a muggle then he sure as hell had a wizard working for him or with him.' Harry said darkly., then his eyes widened. 'Jesus what if he had just been placed under the imperius curse? I didn't even think about that! What the hell have I done?' Harry sat down abruptly in a chair quickly conjured by Hermione.

'Harry calm down.' Hermione said gently. 'There's nothing you can do now. Besides they checked him for magical traces and found none. Whatever he was or wasn't he still had a gun pointed at my head and he very much intended to pull the trigger.'

'How do you know that Hermione? I thought you couldn't remember.' Harry whispered.

'I remember how I feel, and I felt terrified. I was afraid for my life and I was definitely afraid of him. He wasn't blameless in this Harry. He wanted to hurt me.' Hermione said. 'I promise you.'

'Yeah well I wish I knew for sure.' Harry said. 'I really wished I had waited to find out instead of just killing him. I just couldn't help it, I saw red and before I knew it, it was done.'

'Yeah well if he's responsible for all these killings then it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person.' Ron said viciously.

'I'm the one that has to live with though aren't I?' Harry said.

'Harry I'm so sorry.' Hermione said. 'I should have been more prepared. Prevented it from happening. I shouldn't have let myself be so vulnerable.'

'It's not your fault.' Harry said. 'I suspected this. I asked Severus to look out for you because I knew you could be in danger. I mean what better way to get to me than by hurting my best friends? Especially when he seemed to be targeting gifted magic users. I should have checked on you myself. I'm so sorry, both of you.'

Ron pulled himself up into a sitting position 'So do you think we were just bait? Just to get you there so he could kill you too?' He asked Harry. 'Looks like he failed spectacularly then didn't he?'

Harry shook his head. 'I don't know.'

'I don't want to think about that Ron.' Hermione said. 'Even though you're probably right. And you should lie back down.' She added, glaring at him.

'Why the fuck is it always about me?' Harry spat suddenly. 'I'm fucking sick of it. I've never asked for any of this attention and I don't want it! Why can't I just be left alone? Why have I been the target of fucking psychopaths my whole fucking life?!'

'Harry it sucks, but that's life and you can't go back to being a recluse to avoid it because clearly that didn't work.' Ron said. 'The psychopath found you anyway. Besides it's over now. He's dead, you stopped him in time.'

'Is it over though?' Hermione queried. 'I mean this does this feel over to you?'

'He's dead Hermione. That's about as over as it gets.' Ron snapped.

'Hermione's right.' Harry said. 'There are too many loose ends, too many things that don't make sense. At the very least we have to find out who he was and who helped him to cast that curse. Not to mention how he managed to kill all the others.'

'What did Kingsley say about it when you spoke to him?' Ron asked.

'Before or after he took my wand?' Harry asked raising his eyebrows slightly. 'We're not exactly chummy at the moment. I'm sure they have their theories but as of yesterday I'd say I'm officially off the case.'

'What a fucking bastard.' Ron swore.

'Ron! He's just doing his job.' Hermione said. 'Harry did kill someone. I'm sure that there are procedures and protocol that need to be followed.' She glanced over at Harry. 'Sorry'. she added.

Harry just shrugged. 'Whatever.'

'Well I still think he's a bastard.' Ron muttered. 'He could have at least given you your wand back.'

'Harry do you want to stay with us for a while?' Hermione asked. 'I worry about you in that house all alone. Unless you're still staying with Snape?' she added.

Harry shook his head. 'No I'm not still staying with him. Well I did last night but I'm not anymore. I'll be fine on my own though, wand or no wand.'

'If you're sure?' Hermione asked.

'I'm sure. I'm tired of hiding, and I'm not afraid.' Harry said.

'What does Snape think about this?' Hermione asked. 'I'm sure he must have an opinion.'

'I honestly don't know what he thinks.' Harry said softly. 'He wasn't making a whole lot of sense when we spoke about it last night.'

'He's angry at you huh?' Ron said.

'Why would you say that?' Harry asked. 'I mean yeah I think he is, well I know he is but why would you think that?'

'Well it's pretty obvious. I mean he spent his whole life trying to keep you safe and then after the war that's what you were supposed to be and then BAM here you are in danger again. He's probably cursing your existence right now.' Ron said.

'Well he's had enough practice at that.' Harry said angrily. 'Though I really hope he isn't cursing my existence this time. I think he's angry that I'm in danger again yes, but I think he's angrier that I actually killed someone.'

'I guess that makes sense.' Hermione said slowly. 'I don't think it was just you're life that he's been protecting all these years. I think it's been your spirit.'

'Do you ever think that it would have been better for everyone if I had just died at the end of the war along with Voldemort?' Harry asked sadly.

'I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.' Ron growled.

'Do you mean would it have been easier for Snape?' Hermione asked tactfully ignoring Ron. 'I don't think so Harry. I think if you had actually died it would have killed him too. I don't think he would have recovered.'

'You think?' Harry asked sarcastically. 'If I hadn't died then I couldn't disappoint him now.'

'You're not disappointing him.' Hermione said 'I think he's as confused as you are.'

'I'm not confused.' Harry said quickly.

'Right.' Hermione replied drily.

'Why do you care so much anyway mate?' Ron asked.

'I don't know why I care so much now when I hated him so much before.' Harry said. 'Maybe it would have been easier for me if I'd died! I feel like I've been dead these past five years anyway.'

'You've been hiding yes, but that doesn't mean you're dead Harry.' Hermione said severely. 'Stop wallowing in self-pity and go and talk to Snape if you're so worried what he thinks. The two of you are long overdue for a candid conversation.'

'No shit.' Harry said. 'It's getting him to talk that's the problem. I've tried talking to him and getting him to open up to me but he shuts me down. I don't even know where to start.'

'Have you tried just telling him how you feel?' Hermione asked.

'I'm not entirely sure how I feel.' Harry confessed.

'Hence the confusion, why don't you just start there?' Hermione suggested. 'After all this is very sudden and very new for you both. You have years of issues to sort through before you can untangle how you actually both feel about each other, be it love or something else.'

'As in mutual respect?' Harry asked raising his eyebrows.

'Perhaps. If that's how you both feel. ' Hermione said. 'I don't think so though.'

'I think mutual respect might be the most I can ever hope for from him' Harry sighed. 'Whether he feels more or not I don't know that he can actually break down the wall of hate he has up. He's been hiding behind it for so long.'

'After all he's been through I'd say it's his strongest defence mechanism.' Hermione said sadly. 'It's worth breaking through it though. I've seen how you've both been looking at each other these past few days. I'd say he feels more than mutual respect, even more than friendship, though of course you'll have to actually talk to him to find that out.'

Ron squirmed slightly. 'I'll thank you to keep that conversation to yourself though. I'm getting decidedly uncomfortable over here.

'Noted.' Harry said drily. 'I'll try and keep the details of my love life from your precious ears.'

'AHHHHH' Ron said covering his ears. 'I can't unhear that!'

'Ron there's a bandage over your ears. I don't think covering them will help much.' Harry laughed.

Hermione grinned. 'Go and talk to him. And then come back and tell me what he said!'

'LALALALALALALALALA' Ron sang.

Harry laughed. He felt like he was back at Hogwarts overhearing Lavender and Parvatti discussing who the "dreamiest boy in the world" was.

One thing for sure, he was NOT telling Hermione anything.

…