Thank you all for your comments. :)
This chapter dedicated to RiverOtter1!
OoO
Both of the Elves were suddenly awakened just before daybreak by a horrible screech that was somewhat reminiscent of the cries of a very small mortal boy when he was still known as Estel.
Argileth sat bolt upright, nearly whacking Elenir in the chin. Having done so she was immediately tempted to sit back and lean against him, because he was quite comfortable, but she was thoroughly shaken from sleep and the noise was very unsettling.
"What was that?" asked Elenir, glancing around him as if he expected a horde of Orcs to leap out of the bushes behind them. Argileth was puzzled.
"It sounded like – a child."
A distinct wail echoed from Elrond's house (or Melodiel's house, currently) as if to confirm the truth of what she had just said. Even in the dim light Elenir could see Argileth's face drain of colour as she muttered some unsavoury things and began to run with lightning speed, not an easy feat when in a flappy bridesmaid's dress. He swiftly leapt to his feet and ran after her, his heart thudding in his ears uncomfortably.
They found the Last Homely House in an uproar, with Elves running around excitedly chattering in incoherent sentences.
"To think this could happen—"
"—so unexpected!"
"Prince Legolas must be so proud!"
Argileth swallowed heavily. This could only mean one thing.
Her worst fears were realised when another outburst shook the entire building and its source was a small bundle swathed in pink, its face resembling a squashed tomato with a small hole in it, from which screams unrelentingly emanated.
Currently the baby was being held by poor Legolas, who, with absolutely no knowledge of how to handle small children, was trying to calm it down.
Now, it may occur to readers that it is biologically impossible for a baby to be born in one night. But it may also occur to readers that anything is possible for a Mary Sue, especially one so vile and overwhelmingly powerful as Melodiel.
It came as rather a soul-crushing disappointment to Argileth that Melodiel and Legolas hadn't left on a honeymoon – their absence would have been useful in destabilising Melodiel's grip on Rivendell. As always, things would have to be done the hard way.
The aforementioned Sue swept into the room just as the sun rose, with no signs of having borne a child. Immediately the baby ceased to howl – though, Argileth noted with puzzlement, it looked terrified rather than appeased.
"What shall we name her?" asked Legolas, apparently the father, raising his voice over the noise. Neither of the parents noticed Argileth nor Elenir standing in the doorway, despite their dishevelled appearances and the pieces of grass sticking out from their braids – which, by the way, could have aroused suspicions of a most unpleasant nature.
"We shall name her. . ." Melodiel paused to think. Yes, you heard correctly – she was actually thinking. Then she snapped her fingers at her latest bright idea, the Ring of Power glistening as she moved. "We shall call her Anarildë-Ainulindalenna!"
Argileth cringed.
As if to protest against the injustice of having such a name the baby once again began to wail as loudly as possible, causing Melodiel to look somewhat surprised and Legolas to wince. Outside in the hallway were hysterical Elves whose sensitive hearing was being ruthlessly assailed by a small baby. Baby Sues are not meant to cry, as everyone knows, and the fact that little Anarildë-Ainulindalenna was causing a mudslide out in the valley was certainly – well, interesting.
Argileth pulled her friend out into the hall and said quietly, "We must try to capture this Ring of Power. If we do not, we will have endless additions to the family and mass hysteria in the Valley."
"Not to mention, crying Elves," muttered Elenir, noting the general hysteria taking place around them. "But Melodiel is constantly surrounded by her Urple Guard. How in the Void is it possible to take the Ring from her? We will both be imprisoned."
"Let us first go to the library and do some research. We will find a solution afterwards."
"You had better find a solution soon," interrupted a voice behind Argileth. Arwen was standing there, looking worried. "No other Sue has ever had this effect upon Adar before."
"Then we must hasten."
The three of them almost ran down the hallways, nearly slamming into random Elves, mythical creatures and even a stray Nazgul in their haste.
Now, if you recall, there was a certain Elf in self-imposed imprisonment who just so happened to be in the library at this moment.
However, our 'heroes', of-sorts, were completely unaware of this fact and so it came as a shock to them when upon opening the huge wooden doors they caught sight of the stately Lord Erestor swaying precariously on the top of a very long ladder and, rather uncharacteristically, hurling insults down at someone below. On closer inspection it was discovered that a girl with strange circular rims surrounding her eyes and blonde hair that sparkled in the urple light and glittering emerald eyes and 'modest' clothes AND who was nothing short of perfect was in fact the object of Erestor's stream of abuse.
Who was this creature? Nerdy!Sue.
"In the name of the Blessed Realm, will you stop your incessant shrieking?" cried Argileth, feeling a headache rapidly coming on (which was quite possibly generated by the amount of miruvodka she had consumed the night before as well as the Sue's squeeing). The Nerdy!Sue immediately fell silent. Erestor, having only just noticed the presence of the other Elves, was so relieved that he nearly fell off the ladder. Nerdy!Sue, however, was not impressed.
"Who are you who dares to intrude upon this moment of pecuniary merits and superfluous auspices?" she sputtered. Argileth blinked. So this girl had a vocabulary – unlike other Sues – but had no idea what the words meant in the slightest. The Elf narrowed her eyes.
"I might rather ask who you are who dares to enter Rivendell – nay, Middle-Earth – without permission."
The girl tossed her blonde head. "I am Annal'eah Smythe." She suddenly lowered her eyes and assumed a sad countenance. "I have a tragic past – my parents treated me cruelly, only giving me two Windows XP laptops and an iPod and a DVD player and a TV instead of the calculus books I wanted, and—"
"Stop." The Sue's mouth immediately snapped shut, her eyes wide with fright at Argileth's imperative tone. "No, I did not ask you for your life story, mortal. I asked for an explanation of your presence in Middle-Earth. We have enough Mary-Sues running around in this valley, not to mention, one who is running Rivendell – we do not need you."
"I am not a Mary Sue!" she cried indignantly.
"Then pray tell why you are here."
"I'm here to save Erestor from his fate as a lonely and unloved bachelor!" Annal'eah wailed. Erestor's eyebrows shot up and his eyes widened in horror. He looked positively aghast.
"I beg your pardon!" he exclaimed.
"I said—"
"Silence!" thundered Erestor tempestuously. Erestor's Tone™ was the very one that caused even Elrond to reconsider his words during a heated argument. However, Annal'eah, being in fact almost devoid of intelligence despite her pretended interest in calculus ("Whatever that is," thought Argileth), did not heed The Tone™ in the least and proceeded to launch herself at him.
"Keep that disgraceful creature away from me!" shouted Lord Erestor in a very – well, Lordly manner, for lack of a better word, jumping down from the ladder and pointing his hand commandingly in the direction of the Sue. Arwen and Argileth made short work of keeping her at bay and away from the poor Elf-lord.
"But the Valar sent me!" she whined.
"Aye, and 'twas Morgoth of the Valar who sent you!" spat Erestor.
"The Valar interfere not with the course of mortal lives, nor of Elves, these days, if you had bothered to read The Silmarillion at all!" said Arwen exasperatedly, trying to restrain her. The Sue suddenly stopped struggling, a blank look replacing her. . .already blank look. Alright, her vacant look was become even more vacant to the point of vacancy being a redundant term of — good Lords.
"What's The Sillymarlion?" she asked. Unfortunately for Annal'eah Smythe, they were her last words. She disappeared in a puff of pink smoke, defeated purely by a book she had not taken the trouble to read before landing in Middle-Earth. The usual horrified distant shriek of the Suethor came echoing on the air, then all fell silent.
"Well," broke in Erestor, speaking at a normal tone for the first time that day, "may I ask why you lot have intruded on my solitude?"
Arwen narrowed her eyes. "Excuse me?"
Erestor looked slightly taken aback – only slightly, mind you – having noticed the presence of one of the most important ladies in the West of Middle-Earth, and swept a graceful bow, which remained graceful despite his dishevelled and smelly appearance. "My Lady. Do forgive my discourtesy."
"It is forgiven. Lord Erestor, we are here on a matter of grave importance, and but for our research you may still be imprisoned here for some time yet."
The prospects of being shut up in Elrond's extensive library for even longer were not looking particularly pleasant to the Elf-lord and he consented to aid them in their quest. So all four of the company began to seek for information on the Other Ring To Rule The Rest Of Them.
Two long hours later and none of the Elves had found what they were seeking. Master Elrond's library was extensive and well-ordered – nonetheless, there were no complete works on any of the numerous Mary Sues that had entered Middle-Earth, and the search for anything to do with Melodiel or her mysterious 'Ring of Power' had so far proved fruitless.
Anyone who walked into the library would have been staring at a bunch of very dejected-looking Elves.
"I say – have you any more of that miruvodka?" asked Elenir glumly. "I believe it is the only medicinal remedy known to cure the depths of despair."
"I agree with you whole-heartedly," sighed Arwen, who was met with surprised looks from the others. She looked around. "What? Do you think I never have alcohol every now and again?" Everyone blinked. "In moderation, of course," she added hastily.
"What exactly is miruvodka?" Erestor turned around from where he was standing and looking thoughtfully at one of the shelves. "Where does it come from? I have never actually seen a recipe for it."
Argileth paled.
"Argileth?" Elenir looked concerned. "Are you alright?"
She nodded, with a blank expression on her face. Erestor was not convinced. "What troubles you, Argileth?"
She took a shaky breath. If she revealed the secret of miruvodka, she was revealing a great deal of her past that was only known to herself and Elrond. On further prompting she at last was prevailed upon to tell her horrible secret.
There had once been a particularly nasty Sue, supposedly some lost relation of Maglor, who was apparently still wandering the coasts of Middle Earth. She was found wandering lost near Rivendell, singing with a voice that captivated all who heard her, and it was only by the good will of Elrond's sons that she was not left, like most other Sues, to aimlessly wander around before dying a tragic death. Fortunately, because she was a very young Sue, Elrond was able through his healing arts to cure her of all Sue-pidity and she became a normal Elf – except for one trait left from her dubious ancestry. It was said that Fëanor had been rather fond of alcohol and using the genius with which he was Eru-gifted he invented miruvodka, which he had passed to Maglor, and which Maglor had doubtlessly passed to his supposed relative.
The Sue was in fact Argileth's mother, who had departed Over-Sea with the rest of the family some time ago and who had left her Sue-hating daughter with this Sue-invented recipe.
Argileth hung her head in shame. This was awful. She would suffer persecution after this, branded a Sue-spawn and Elrond would be prevailed upon to give her endless Sue-therapy. Once, of course, this nightmare was over.
"Well, that is—interesting," mused Erestor.
This was not the reaction of horrified silence that Argileth was expecting. "Pardon?"
"It means," said Elenir, "that this is the only time in all of Middle-Earth Sue history that a Sue has actually done some good for the world."
Argileth snorted. "'Tis only alcohol."
"Aye, but miruvodka is like no other. Or do I tell a falsehood?"
Argileth reluctantly conceded that miruvodka, though in reality the invention of a clueless Suethor, was in truth like nothing else.
"In this particular case," concluded Erestor wisely, "you may be proud of your heritage. And," he added with a rare grin, "we know why the Valley is ever jolly."
This caused everyone to laugh heartily such as they had not done for a long time.
"Come, let us continue," said Erestor, and being a little more cheered they resumed their search for information. Argileth in particular was keen to continue, persistently searching through the books the others tossed aside. It was a while later when she happened to find a rather large leather-bound book, which when yanked from the shelf came with a cloud of dust.
"Ack!" she coughed, waving the dust out of the way. Good Lords, this book was ancient. But the title made her grin as a realisation suddenly dawned upon her.
"I think we have found something!" she exclaimed excitedly, causing Arwen, Elenir and Erestor to leave whatever they were perusing. The book's title was written thusly, in the ancient Beleriandic mode:
Of The Powers Of Mary Sue In Middle Earth – The Complete Works of Morgoth Bauglir
Ignoring the fact that the author was none other than the first Dark Lord, a fallen Vala of immense power, the Elves were almost ecstatic over the discovery. How on Arda Morgoth managed to have his work displayed in Elrond's library, or for his work to come out of the Void for that matter, was a mystery. But one which, I believe, we will be content to leave for now. In the meantime, let us return to our friends grinning madly at the cover of the book.
"Well, I do believe we are getting somewhere!" declared Erestor. "Now we must look up—"
CRASH!
A sudden noise not unlike thunder echoed through the stillness of the library, causing even the most wary of the Elves to jump. Erestor whipped around, his robes whirling about him impressively. Instinctively Argileth reached for her knives, only to remember that Melodiel had taken them from her the day before. That, and she was still in her horrible bridesmaid's dress. She cursed, though quietly for the sake of Arwen.
The cause of the ruckus was a tall Elven-woman, whose way of opening the door had left a dent in the wall from where the doorhandle had smashed into it. Her hair was in one long braid and she was dressed – surprisingly – almost exactly like the Prince of Mirkwood, complete with leggings, boots and tunic. A dagger was at her waist, its hilt carved with Elven runes. Clearly, she was Silvan – perhaps from Mirkwood.
"Who are you?" demanded Arwen on behalf of the group, who were all still in various stages of surprise and, in Argileth's case, irritation (as she was still trying to get her hands out of the numerous folds and pockets of her dress).
The stranger glared back, her hand coming to rest on the hilt as she calmly surveyed the others.
"I," she said in a musical voice, "am the wife of Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood."
OoO
Anarildë-Ainulindalenna is a random mushing-together of High-Elven elements and may well be the Elvish equivalent of 'Bippity-boppity-boo'. In other words, it means absolutely nothing at all.
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