The Secret

Angela VO* I don't know exactly how much time I spent thinking about what I'd be when I was older…a lot I suppose. I was always a nurse or teacher. Sometimes I'd even want to be a pilot. It never occurs to you…that when you grow up it's not what you'll be…it's who you'll be. And, that's suddenly what you want to be when you grow up…an entirely different person.

Angela was lying across her bed, her knees up against her chest. Her eyes were red and puffy. There was only the constant sound of sniffling filling the room. It had gotten pretty late, but she wasn't tired. Instead she felt paralyzed by the thoughts that ran through her head.

Angela VO* When I first met Rayanne…all I wanted…was to be like her. She was so…not me and that's what I like about her. We were different but it somehow worked, but now…now we're still different and it's just not…like working at all.

"Angela?"

"Mom, I don't feel like talking right now."

"Angela, Brian is downstairs. Why didn't you tell me he didn't bring you home?"

"I walked."

"It's late. I don't want you walking around at this hour."

"I know! I just needed to be alone."

"Did…did something happen between you and Brian?"

Angela VO* Something had happened between Brian and I…but that was making me feel a whole other range of emotions.

"No…"

"Then what's wrong?"

"Mom…" Angela moaned as if she wanted to talk to her mother, as if she wanted to tell her everything she was going through and thought about. "I can't really talk about it. I mean…it's nothing really."

"Oh…ok…well, Brian is here so…"

"Mom…have you ever…" Angela began as her mother began to walk away, making her sit back down. "Have you ever thought that you knew someone like…really well and it turns out that you never really knew them at all…and they do these things you never imagined they would do? It's just really scary…in a way and…and…"

"Honey…" Patty sighed. She knew exactly what Angela meant. Feeling it almost everyday in their own house…with her own husband. It broke her heart that her own daughter was feeling it too, so young.

"It's like…you trust certain people and I don't know…" Angela shrugged beginning to cry again. "You only have a certain amount of trust to offer and once it's broken or betrayed…it's as if you become this like…different person because you can't offer it anymore."

"Trust…that's a tricky thing." Patty nodded, "It's kinda like faith. You can't really see it or understand it or even explain it. It's just a feeling that you have. It's a part of you. Angela, you are so special. You have so much to offer these certain people. Don't let one…incident break that out of you. It's not as bad as you might think."

"How do you know?"

"I don't know for sure…I just have faith in you…is all." Patty smiled, but inside she was feeling hypocritical and it hurt. She did have faith in Angela but not in Graham and she knew that wasn't right. "I'm going to send Brian up. Er…uh…do you want to see Brian?"

"Ok." Angela whispered, as she tried to wipe the tears out from under her eyes.

"Where did you go tonight?" Brian immediately barked, "I thought you went to go find Graf. Then when I finally find her again…you're not there. You're not anywhere!"

"Brian…"

"No! I looked around that stupid school for two hours for you."

"You didn't need to do that."

"Well, that's like…obvious now! You arrived with me I think…I think you should have left with me." Brian's voice softened as he noticed Angela's demeanor.

"I couldn't ok?"

"Are you going to like…tell me what's wrong?" Brian asked sincerely, wanting to sit on the bed with her but too nervous to attempt it. "Or should I guess?" there was a pause and Brian knew she wasn't going to talk. "Did you talk to Rayanne?"

"No."

"Why? I thought…"

"I just couldn't. I got to the theater and I saw her…but I couldn't open my mouth."

"I mean…that's ok."

"No, Brian, it isn't. I saw Rayanne and I looked at her. I couldn't talk because I wasn't sure if I even cared anymore. I mean…I was looking at her and it was as if she was this person I didn't even know anymore. It scared me." She cried.

"Uh…Angela…"

Brian VO* Why couldn't I think of anything to say? I like…say things all the time. It wasn't as if I couldn't think of something comforting. I couldn't think of anything at all!

"I miss the way things used to be."

Brian VO* The way things used to be…me at my house staring into Angela's bedroom…not me actually in Angela's bedroom.

Angela stood up. "Do you ever do that…ever think about that?"

"No…not really." Brian said uneasily.

Brian VO* She was trying to talk to me but I couldn't pay attention. Even though Angela had like…this horrible, sad face…I mean…the pink eyes, snotty nose and all…she still was like…really pretty.

"That's it…you're right!" Angela suddenly exploded, after an obvious moment of contemplation.

"Huh? What?" Brian moaned, his trance broken. "I'm right about what?"

"I mean…why can't I just talk to her?"

"Uh-huh."

"I don't have a thing for Jordan Catalano anymore. Nor, do I want one."

"That's good." Brian rolled his eyes.

"So…why is there this built up tension between us?" Angela questioned. Brian opened his mouth only to be interrupted by Angela who was basically speaking to herself. "Because…because…"

"Because she broke any and all trust you had in her?" Brian said as if it were obvious.

"Don't you see? I think we are both afraid to be friends again because we know things won't be the way they used to be. But…but that IS ok! Things have changed. Things need to change between like…people."

"Right!" Brian agreed. "I like…totally find that to be true…but…"

"I was always so ready for change in my life. I mean…that's why I became friends with Rayanne to begin with…"

"It is?"

"Why can't I like…let our relationship change too? It would be silly to think it wouldn't…you know…eventually anyway. I've been feeling so betrayed and maybe a part of me still does but that will never change if we don't talk…if we don't try to be friends again."

"Angela?"

"Thanks…Brian. You're not as bad as I thought when it comes to dispensing advice. You're like…kinda good at it."

"Why is it the compliments I've received lately seem more like criticisms?" Brian mumbled, but Angela was not paying attention.

"What?"

"Nothing! Angela? I need to say something…"

"You know I feel a lot better and I have…partially you to thank for it." She smiled.

"Partially?" Brian said wanting to know the other part that contributed. "No…Angela…." Angela hugged him, making him partially forget what he needed to say. Closing his eyes and absorbing her smell, Brian went momentarily brain-dead. "Angela? I need to tell you something."

"You do?" Angela smiled, gently kissing him on the neck.

"Oh my god…" Brian sighed. "Your parents are like…in the next room. They are still awake."

"Relax Krakow…I'm not going to pounce you right here." Hearing the word pounce come out of Angela's mouth and knowing she was referring to him…made Brian's eyes glaze over…perhaps even go brain-dead again. "Angela wait!" he grabbed the sides of her arms.

"What?"

"I did something."

"What do you mean…did something?"

"I…I …" Brian sighed, "It was totally an accident."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't like…hate me or anything…ok?" Brian took a few steps back. His nostrils were flared, as they often do when Brian is nervous or intimidated…making Angela more nervous.

"Hate? That's a pretty strong word."

"I know." Brian grumbled.