Here we go... ;-)
"How are you Cal?"
"Peachy." The glib response slipped easily off his tongue but he immediately regretted it. Tilting his head to the side, he gave her an appraising look. Her make up was less than perfect and her eyes were pink and slightly swollen. "You've been crying."
Gillian looked away, muscles in her face contorting as she struggled to control her emotions. The last thing she wanted was to burst into tears again. She took a deep breath, still not looking at him.
"You could have a seat luv. I promise not to bite too hard." His voice had gone gentle.
She sat down, choosing to sit in the armchair instead of next to him. Her eyes finally found his, startled at the depth of sadness she found there. Any semblance of anger was gone.
"What else did Tanya say to you?" His inquiry was tentative. "I know that you're upset with me. To be honest, I don't blame you. I did fuck up. But it almost seems….worse this time, yeah?" His voice dropped even lower. "Or is it just the final straw? Is that why you've stayed away?"
Biting her lip, she tried to form her thoughts into words. Usually it wasn't this hard. "Cal, I've had a lot to think about. I don't even know if you can imagine everything that's been through my mind these last several days."
"You could tell me."
She smiled, eyes a little too bright much to her own annoyance. "I'm not sure if it would do any good." He looked miserable and that made the tears threaten even more. Gillian pushed them back almost angrily.
"Are you willing to try? Or is this little conversation pointless?" He sounded resigned.
"Cal, I need to ask you something."
"'Course, darlin'." He sounded tired, even to himself, but for some reason, his heart started to beat a little more quickly.
She leaned forward, staring directly into his eyes. "Cal, how do you feel about me?"
He blinked, completely caught off guard. "What?"
"You heard me."
Her eyes had turned dark blue with intensity. He couldn't tear his own away. "You know I care about you."
"Yes, I know that Cal. But I need complete honestly right now. I need to know where I stand."
Forgetting to breathe, he took a gulp of air shakily into his lungs. Furrowing his brow, his eyes couldn't pull themselves away from hers. He felt dizzy.
"Cal, do you love me?"
Emily's music could be heard ever so slightly from upstairs. The a/c unit kicked in with a low hum. Somewhere in the neighborhood, a dog barked and was quickly answered by another. Several cars passed on the street outside – one needed a new muffler. Other than that, it was quiet.
Their eye contact continued to hold.
"Very much so." His words were no louder than a whisper, but they came out unbidden and completely truthful. As he watched her it occurred to him that he'd never felt so emotionally out of control in his life.
Tears breaking free and overflowing were Gillian's only initial response.
Cal felt sick to his stomach. These did not appear to be tears of happiness. His eyes slid to some fixed point beyond her as he retreated from this open, raw nerve. He was moving away and felt powerless to stop it. An oppressive blanket was being pulled over him. It was becoming more and more familiar and it scared the hell out of him. Was this what it had been like for her?
A soft hand gently turned his head and he was suddenly looking into Gillian's beautiful eyes. They were filled with tenderness. "Cal. Do you want to know what she said?" He didn't respond, so she pushed ahead. "She said that no matter how hard she tried she was not able to lure you into any kind of relationship."
Cal didn't comment. He just looked at her.
"She said," her voice wavered slightly. "She said that I was the only thing that you wanted."
Something clicked in his head. He pulled completely back from his self-imposed exile and really looked at her. That had been tenderness he saw earlier. And there were even more emotions presenting themselves to him as he watched. A slow smile played at the corners of his mouth. "That would be true."
Ever so slowly he moved his hand up to her face, gently brushing her cheek with his fingertips and thumb. He leaned toward her as much as he physically was able.
She watched him, completely mesmerized. This was not the plan. Gillian had promised herself that she wouldn't let this happen. The fact that she did indeed love him was entirely incidental at this point. The fact was that she couldn't allow herself to love him. The fact was that being with him would be akin to being with a police officer or a firefighter. The fact was that she could never be certain that he'd come home to her in one piece…
The fact was that his lips were gently on hers creating an electrical spark unlike anything she'd ever know. She moved closer to him, one hand on his face, his new beard soft against her fingers, the other around the back of his neck. The kiss was sweet and softly passionate but with the definitive promise of something bigger and better on the horizon.
Cal pulled away begrudgingly, knowing his current limits. He leaned his forehead against hers. "Did I overstep?" His voice was teasing.
"Maybe a little."
"Sorry."
"Don't be." Gillian brushed her lips against his again, enjoying the energy they seemed to share. She suddenly moved her head back but kept eye contact. "Wait a minute. You're distracting me."
His eyebrows rose in amusement. "Takes two luv."
Her expression sobered while she took in his appearance. He still seemed weak and had obviously lost a little weight. His experience had affected him physically obviously, but mentally as well. Would this be the last time he put himself in danger? If she was going to be with him, he couldn't keep doing this to himself or her. At the same time, how could she ask him to be less than he was? It was almost a paradox. She loved him for who he was but she needed him to change for her to be with him. What kind of sense did that make? Her mind was so muddled. Shaking her head she tried to clear it.
"Gillian?" Worry had begun to seep into his eyes. "You need to talk to me."
"I'm afraid."
"Don't be."
"I can't help it." She took a deep breath and attempted to press on. "When you were gone, I had to keep a poker face the whole time. I had to keep things professional. I didn't want the rest of the staff to know what a mess I was inside. Loker and Torres knew of course, but they knew better than to say anything. Do you have any idea how hard that was?"
Reaching out a hand, Cal gently pushed her hair behind her ear. He didn't say anything. He watched and waited.
"But it wasn't the first time. It seems like you do this on a set schedule or something. Over the last several days I've had a chance to work out some of my feelings but I don't think I'm any better for it."
His hand lightly trailed from her shoulder and down her arm, elicited gooseflesh. He was trying once again to distract her and from her expression, it was close to working. Kissing her again, he felt a shudder run through her body. She returned his kiss before pushing against him, a little harder than she intended. He grunted in pain, his eyes following as she got to her feet and moved to a safe distance. "I'm sorry Cal, but I need to get this out. You need to understand why this won't work."
Leaning his head back against the couch cushion he regarding her through hooded eyes. "Why won't this work Gillian?"
"Aren't you even listening?"
"Yes."
"I don't think you are."
He leaned forward with a grimace, his eyes darkening with intensity. "What if I told you that I feel like I'm done with everything? What if I told you that every time I close my eyes I picture putting a bullet in some guy's brain? What if I told you that when I was being held captive, all I could think was what if I never got to see you again? Or Emily. My mind is a confused mess of dark thoughts and worries and I can't… seem… to… control them." His voice had risen, trembling slightly. Gillian stared back, startled at the sudden change.
Breathing hard, Cal's eyes dropped to the floor. Fatigue enveloped him once again. "Maybe it would be best if you left."
Gillian didn't move. She watched as he ran a hand over his face as if trying to wipe his expression clean. He slumped back again, eyes still down.
"I'm not going anywhere." Her tone was firm. She sat back down next to him and gently wrapped her arms around him. He leaned his cheek against her shoulder, inhaling her comforting scent and allowed his eyes to close.