Disclaimer: Still don't own Carmilla (the series), or any recognizable characters.

"Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing, and so they give their lives to little or nothing. One life is all we have, and we live it as we believe in living it…and then it's gone.

But to surrender who you are and to live without belief is more terrible than dying – even more terrible than dying young."

- Jeanne d'Arc

"I confess, I expected somewhat more difficulty in getting into the Dean's former office," JP said, looking around with interest

Carmilla didn't know what it would have been like when he'd been a student at Silas - or if he'd ever seen it, back then - but she'd always been somewhat surprised by how... normal it was. The Dean's office was exactly that: an office. A sturdy oak desk that had probably been there as long as Silas had existed, a comfortable leather chair (the current one had been bought nine years ago), a computer (it had been a typewriter, when she'd first arrived; that had vanished when personal computers became a thing, a steady stream of increasingly powerful and multi-functional computers following), a pair of significantly less comfortable chairs on the other side of the desk, presumably to discourage any company from lingering longer than absolutely necessary. Filing cabinets were off against one wall. There were no pictures on the walls, or any kind of personal affects on the desk (unless one counted the old-fashioned desk lamp). It was a place the Dean had gone to get work done, and nothing more.

It probably said something that even Mattie, who had every right to, hadn't set up shop in their mother's office. It felt so... sterile. Artificial, even, in a way.

Carmilla didn't really want to be there, herself, but her mother's work computer was probably the only terminal on campus that would be able to pull up the records of the sales Mattie had made. (Well, the only one if they actually wanted to get answers sometime this century. Whoever LaFontaine had gotten help from in keeping Laura's videos from setting off a security response last semester seemed to be among the ones who'd also fled the campus - hopefully successfully.) The Silas Etheralnet could be accessed from anywhere on campus, but a lot of the more secure files could only be accessed from certain terminals, as a security precaution. The one in Mother's home should have been one of them, but evidently Mattie had cut off access once she'd arrived at Silas - which made sense, given that Laura had been the one mainly using the computer. However, none of them had gone anywhere near the Dean's office, so...

Well, it was their only chance. No one wanted to bring in anyone else from the Board of Governors, unsure how much they could trust them. (Not to mention that, with JP's revelation that, without a Student Body representative, the Board's decisions weren't exactly binding just then, they would be powerless to do anything about the Library's wandering off in Laura's body... and the Library would know it. While Hasturmenchen might, admittedly, would know a lot more than they did about the Blade of Hastur - including any possible weakness - he was also probably less than pleased with them for stealing and then losing the sword.) "Yeah, well, who'd want to come here unless they absolutely had to?"

"A fair point, to be certain." She personally could have done without the formal, drawn-out speech he often employed, but having lived through at least some of the Victorian era, she knew it could be a lot worse, so she supposed she should appreciate that he was at least trying. "Still, I'm surprised Ms. Belmonde wouldn't have secured it against her fellow Board members, if nothing else."

"Mother didn't exactly hand out spare keys to her office," Carmilla said as she sat down at the desk and started up the computer. She wished they could have just looked through the filing cabinets to try and find what they needed, but even if Mattie had printed the files out, she wouldn't have kept them here. "I only have one because I found it in her bedroom." In the process of searching out anything that might have alerted Laura as to whom had originally owned the mansion they'd moved into... She felt another wave of crushing guilt and did what she could to keep it off her face. She didn't need JP asking questions and starting a conversation she really didn't want to have, especially with him.

It wasn't that she had anything against him specifically - no more than the others, at any rate - even with his walking around in Will's body. (She hadn't been kidding when she'd said that she'd never liked Will.) It would be completely irrational to hold the current situation against him, as he hadn't even known what LaFontaine and their assistants in the Alchemy Club were trying to do until after they'd actually done it. Still, that he was alive and walking around while Laura... wasn't...

She might have resented him a bit, for that. Even knowing that she shouldn't.

She also hadn't exactly asked for - or wanted - any company during her 'mission'. However, as LaFontaine and Perry had been gearing up for their broadcast - it had reminded them both so much of one of their old 'Dons Disseminating' videos that they'd even decided to call it that, perhaps in an effort (and not an entirely unappreciated one) to make Carmilla feel better about the whole thing - they'd realized that no one but the four of them (and some of the Alchemy Club) knew that JP was now in Will's body, and hadn't wanted to be in the middle of explaining why their dead friend's body walking around was a Very Bad Thing and have another person everyone knew was dead in the background. He hadn't wanted to just sit around off-camera not doing anything, and everyone else felt the current situation warranted not going anywhere by yourself, so, despite her protests, she'd suddenly had company.

As for why they didn't just explain about JP's current circumstances... Well, they were likely to do so eventually, but Carmilla was pretty sure that LaFontaine, at least, didn't want to the Library taking possession of Laura's corpse was all their fault.

She didn't hold the current situation against JP. That didn't mean she didn't hold it against anyone. Maybe when Laura's body wasn't on walkabout, she might feel differently, but right then...?

She wasn't in a terribly rational mood.

It didn't take long to login - she'd figured out her mother's password a while ago, though she'd never had occasion to make use of that information, given the constant close scrutiny, and she immediately set about trying to figure out how to find what they wanted to know. Emphasis on trying.

Computers weren't really her thing. She knew how to use one, more or less, but even something like Laura's video editing had been beyond her skill set.

Though... Well, if JP insisted on tagging along, he could at least make himself useful. "Alright, mister Records Clerk, you're on," she said, getting up and stepping aside.

"I'm always happy to help," he said agreeably as he took her seat and began typing far more rapidly than she had been. "Is there anything I need to know about how your sister would organize her files?"

Carmilla considered that. "If we were looking for any of her personal files, probably. But something like this is work, and we were trained to be as direct and to the point with that kind of thing as possible." She declined to elaborate on that, and he wisely refrained from asking.

She didn't feel like revisiting those memories just then. Or ever, really.

"Very well." He fell silent, the only sound in the office his rapid keystrokes. She was ordinarily good at being patient - it was part and parcel of being a hunter - but right then she felt antsy as hell just standing around while that damned thing strolled around in Laura's body, trying to find and kill Mattie. There just wasn't anything else for her to do. She wasn't accustomed to feeling so helpless, and didn't care for it.

Not one bit.

"I doubt anyone would, Miss Karnstein," JP told her, making her realize she'd been musing aloud for at least part of that. "When I was first absorbed into the Library... I confess, I had, at times, felt somewhat helpless during my investigation into the missing girls, and the vampires in charge of Silas. That made me realize I hadn't truly known what the word meant. I couldn't see anything, or speak, or move..."

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I get that. Being able to move just enough to know you'll never escape on your own isn't really any better."

"Indeed." It was something of a novel experience, finding someone who actually understood what her imprisonment had been like. They didn't say anything else for a while, because neither needed to. They both got it.

As he worked, she couldn't help but think about the rest of what he'd said. "It's... easy to forget, sometimes," she began softly. When he paused and looked up at her, she continued, "What it's like. Being human, I mean. So much slower, weaker, so much more limited senses. Knowing that there are predators in your midst, and that if they come after you, chances are good that you'd never be able to stop them... or even slow them down. I didn't really have any experience with vampires before I died, that I knew of. Laura and her friends..." She shook her head wordlessly.

"They are quite possibly the bravest, most impressive collection of people I've ever known," JP agreed. "I only regret not knowing their like before..." He trailed off, gesturing at himself - or, more accurately, at Will's body. "I don't know that I would have succeeded in saving the girls taken in 1874, but I am fairly certain that I wouldn't have been absorbed into the Library had I not been working alone."

"Yeah, well. No point wondering about 'what ifs' or 'if onlys'," she said gruffly. Because if she did, if she let herself think too hard about that, she'd be forced to realize 1874 was when Elle would have been sacrificed, and if she did that, she'd then wonder if Elle, having realized what Carmilla had been (however unknowingly) trying to save her from, would tell them what happened to her, and they'd have come and dug her up.

It hadn't happened. JP had failed, Elle had been sacrificed, she'd remained in her prison, and time had marched inexorably forward. Never again, she'd promised herself. She'd never make the mistake of actually falling in love again, no matter what she might say or imply to Mother or any of her minions, to try and save someone - anyone - from her, in however small a fashion.

Then she'd met Laura.

She'd tried to resist. Oh, how she'd tried. She'd played up her worst traits, verbally laid into the girl, belittled her goals and methods, and avoided her whenever possible. And yet, despite her best efforts... Laura began creeping into her heart. Nothing she said, nothing she did could stop it. It didn't matter, she tried to tell herself. Even if she did feel something for the Creampuff, Laura was doomed, one way or another. She could save her from one thing after another, but her mother would take her sooner or later. It was inevitable. Even after they'd learned about the Blade of Hastur, even when she'd thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a slight chance that they could actually win... Maman had, predictably, shot that plan down with ease. Yet, despite that, she still might have been able to be with Laura... had she only realized that damned camera of hers had been recording the whole time and erased the video file. But she'd just been fooling herself with that - Laura would have discovered the truth sooner or later, especially when she never turned up with the sword. The longer it took, the longer Carmilla lied to her, the worse it would have been.

When Laura had charged off to her almost certain death, that should have been it. She'd been through that sort of thing enough to know when it was over. Yet, instead, she'd done it. She'd raced off to recover the Blade of Hastur, she'd openly challenged her mother, and she'd shattered the Light that had been keeping the souls of the girls sacrificed prisoner. She'd been terrified the whole time, but at no point as much as she had when she'd arrived in the cavern to see Laura, entranced, marching toward the chasm where she now knew Lophiiformes had been waiting. She'd just barely gotten there in time... but she had been in time. She'd saved Laura. She'd freed Elle and the others. Waking up in her dorm room, barely having time to realize that, to her astonishment, she'd actually survived, before Laura all but tackled her...

The relief on Laura's face, the happiness...

Worth it. Completely worth it.

Why hadn't she ever told Laura how she felt? Even at the end, when Laura confessed her own feelings... She'd been caught off guard, yes, and hadn't had much time to say anything, but... She should have made sure that Laura knew that, despite what Mattie had said or implied, she hadn't been so fickle when it came to love. She hadn't loved any of those people that she'd been trying to save. Hadn't she told Laura that Elle had been the only one? That she didn't want to go through that again?

Though... That had been right before her mother had hijacked Laura's body. Maybe her words hadn't quite made it into Laura's long-term memory, because of that.

It didn't matter anymore. She'd said it herself: there was no point in wondering about 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'.

Laura was dead. What Carmilla had or hadn't said to her didn't matter. The only thing that did was getting the Library out of her body and laying it to rest.

"I am... sorry," JP said haltingly. "That my transference... I assure you, if I'd known this was even possible..."

"You couldn't have known what was going on, given what shape you were in," she said flatly. "It's not like Doctor LaFenstein let anybody know what they were planning until the last minute. You were gone, by then."

"Even so..." He paused. "Ah, here we are. Ms. Belmonde made a total of five sales to private collectors." He frowned. "I know some of these volumes. They're exceedingly rare. Getting them back may prove... difficult, without the ability to try and convince the buyers in person."

"Great. No wonder Encyclopedia Deathtanica is so pissed."

JP was copying down the information anyway. Who knew? Maybe one of those buyers might actually have a conscience. Or perhaps someone - Mattie, as an example - might call them, and they could get someone to retrieve the books by whatever means necessary. "It is somewhat ironic," he mused. "We all spent so much time worrying about the Hungry Light, when there was an even more voracious predator right in our midst."

She didn't like thinking about that. It made all their visits to the Library that much more disturbing. "Well, it collected most of its victims after they died, so I'd call it more of a carrion feeder." Though either way, it had been dangerous as just a building. If it could reach out and possess a human body, who knew what else it could do?

Or how many other people it could take.

"I don't suppose there's anything you can tell me about that woman it had speaking for it?"

He frowned, pensive. "She's not someone I've ever encountered previously, before or after being trapped in the Library's catalogue."

"And how many people did you encounter in there with you?"

The question was casually asked, yet still briefly made him freeze. "I don't... know."

"Really?"

"I was mostly kept separated, I think. Perhaps because it had gone out of its way to actively pull me into its collection. I was able to read through much of the books - in a way, it was like there were 'digital' copies of all the books in the Library's consciousness. That, or it had memorized them all."

"Thus, your own perfect recollection of what you read in there."

"Quite. I don't know how long I existed in my helpless state, but I was eventually allowed access to its archives. It would create the illusion of actually being in the physical Library, so that I could seemingly read physical books. Except that I didn't need to eat, or sleep, and there were no exits or windows. Sometimes, though... I'd find notes. From others, like me, who were trapped there. I never saw anyone, never spoke with them... We just left each other notes. When the catalogue was digitized... I can't even explain it. Suddenly being able to communicate with the outside world after so long, even in such a limited fashion..." He shook his head. "I don't know that it's happy that I got away. I've been too afraid to check, lest it... pull me back."

"Check?" she asked sharply.

"I suspect that... there may still be a connection between myself and the Library," he admitted slowly, wincing at the glare she was giving him. "If there is, and I were to open it, I could be sucked back in, and it would then have two puppets to hunt down your sister with." He paused, then added, "Truthfully, I wouldn't even know how to begin going about such a thing, in any event. And if I did... It would likely know. It left us alone before, I believe, because what we were doing wasn't important. We didn't matter. This might change that."

"It might," she agreed. Before he could relax too much, she added, "It also might help us learn more about what we're up against." She laughed humorlessly. "Hell, that's what we do, isn't it? When we end up in these kinds of situations? Research trip to the Library."

"I suppose that's true." He shook his head. "I don't believe LaFontaine is going to like this idea."

That was probably an understatement.