Chapter 10
p. 52 Journal J. Ogden
I am needing to clear the confusion of my thoughts—the bath and sleeping powder have not worked so now I sit with a glass of wine and this journal again. I stopped writing in here to settle my mind but apparently that was not as helpful as I had hoped. I have to understandwhat I am feeling. I think I am jealous that W might have an interest in another woman—if indeed he does. That was what I assumed, but now I am not so sure. I have been trying to be polite with W, but if I am honest, I was unaccountably angry and I think hurt. He seems to be trying to make it up to me in some way. He even asked about my love life. Why? I ran into Isaac who told me W was asking about my relationship with him in the past, similar to W asking me about Isaac. W even told me he had no social life—so is that a message perhaps he is not courting anyone after all? This is so frustrating! Trying to figure out what someone else is thinking and feeling is a fool's errand. I need to know what I think and feel. Is Ruby right? I re-read her letter and it gave me pause. Do I want only what is hard or impossible to have?
I think I know what I want, whether it is good for me or not.
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Saturday September 14th, 1895
William waited to see that it was Father Fair taking confession, and when there was an opening, settling stiffly into the confessional and praying hard for guidance.
The priest slid the partition open. "What have you to tell me William?"
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 7 days since my last confession. My conscience is troubled." William's voice broke subtly.
"William, what lays so heavily on your conscience, my son? Troubled times should be calling you to the Church, not keeping you away. Confession helps you stay to the course of true faith." The priest felt troubled about William's demeanor, and the growing infrequency of his confessions.
William stalled, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and tried to wet his tongue. "I have sinned in lust, Father. I am having... impure thoughts that are wrong and I find I cannot control them."
"William, are you confessing you are engaging again in self-abuse?"
William winced. "No, Father."
At least not yet, he thought-God forbid! He was appalled at the unwelcome idea of connecting thoughts of Julia with such reprehensible behavior. He prayed he was incapable: "My thoughts are about a colleague at my work."
Father Fair was momentarily taken aback. "William, have you acted on these thoughts?"
"No Father, but they trouble me. I seek your counsel and the word of God."
"William, is this related to your questioning about sodomy a few weeks ago? Are you having these lustful thoughts about one of the men you work with?"
"No, Father!…" William struggled between shock and irony. Of course the priest could not imagine I work with a female colleague, considering what I do, unless that woman was a doxy. Certainly not a woman of quality,
"I am attracted to a woman I work with, a doctor…" He pained at the thought: The only woman I work with, the only woman I really know besides Mrs Kitchen… what if this is merely propinquity?
William's mind jumped. He tried to slow down and explain:"She is unique, wonderful….For a long while, since Liza…I thought that part of me was… Father, how can I betray Liza this way? How can I transfer my affections so easily?"William was glad for the grille and the darkness so the priest could not see his face.
"William, you have mourned your Liza." The priest said gently. "You are a healthy adult. It is normal to want to establish a new relationship, hope to marry and have children. That can begin with friendship and attraction. What is the impediment? Is your intention only self-gratification? Or are you violating the 10th Commandment against covetousness? Is she married or otherwise promised to another?"
"No Father, neither of those. I think I may…love her. But she is not Catholic…not even a Unitarian," he gave a grim smile. Closer to atheist, he believed but could not say it.
"You must stay strong in your faith, William. St Paul in First Corinthians 9 through 17 explains the matter best." The priest thought that William was not ultimately made for celibacy, as much as he strove for abstinence, and a new relationship would possibly be a blessing.
He continued: "Not just that it is better to marry than to burn: 'For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife; and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the believing husband.' Perhaps what God has in mind for you is to turn her back to the Lord."
"Perhaps, Father," he answered skeptically. Because I am the one who is finding that I want to change for her, he also left unsaid.
"Is she someone of good character? Honest? Kind? Does she keep the Commandments?"
"I believe she is a good, moral person, both very honest and very kind. But I do not know if I can tell her all of how I am feeling."
The priest worried a little that this woman was the source of William's doubts, but said only: "You must find a way to be honest with her when you decide what that honesty entails. William, it is also a sin to lie; bearing false witness is not only about failing the truth regarding others. Have a care you are not falling away from your virtue. Trust in the Lord for solace and use the teachings of the Church for guidance."
"Yes, Father".
"You must be more active in your faith, William. Do not surrender your resolve. This is the message of Christ's suffering. Say 5 rosaries and reflect upon these matters."
"Thank you. I will."
William completed his sign of the cross, rose and walked into the sanctuary, noting that the penance was less than he had extracted from himself already, and that Father Fair did not admonish him the way he expected him to.
I had almost hoped, coward that I am, Father Fair would have outright forbade the pursuit of a relationship with a non-believer…. But the job of a priest is not to let a member of his flock off the hook, but to point out the burden of sin, as one of his teachers had told him years ago.
He decided to say his rosaries in a pew where he could concentrate in the stillness. Before folding his hands in prayer he surveyed the cruciform structure and the four great paintings completed in '93 in the sanctuary and side apses. He found them to be beautiful and inspirational, full of the allegories of faith, and recognized he had not really looked up at them since Liza had died.
He blinked at the realization and recalled what Father Fair told him previously: "Look around you, William. Rejoice in the smallest details. Look with refreshed eyes at what is at hand in the here and now. That too is God; that too is faith."
William was shaken. I think Julia is the one for me, and right under my nose this whole time…Did Father Fair guess even then? Did everybody know but me? He asked himself, reflecting on Higgins' joke in the station house & Brackenreid's pointed comments. Does Julia know? He thought not…wasn't sure if he hoped not….
So, what in Heaven's Name am I going to do about it? He selected his pew, fell to his knees and lacing the olive-wood beads through his hands, started to pray the Glorious Mysteries.
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Sunday September 15th, 1895
William looked out over the water, admiring the play of sunlight in the wake of the King's Club boats as they sculled by. Father Fair was right about enjoying the details in the moment. He also allowed himself to admire Julia's silhouette and her royal blue skirt and silvery vest, as she spoke gently to Miss Fairchild. The blue complements her eyes, he noticed. He was looking forward to an opportunity to walk with Julia arm and arm, somewhere, anywhere, for a few moments…
Or hours…the only way I can be close or touch her without embarrassment. I have not yet even held her hand. He thought he dreamed again about her last night, something wrapped in purple, but it had faded by the time he was dressed. Julia had been perturbed with him for a while, but as that seemed to have resolved, whatever that was about, he was happy it was over. He had some small bit of optimism that there was a way for him to win her affections.
When Julia turned back around to meet up with him, William hoped that his statement about it taking a special woman to walk away, registered with her the way he intended. He realized that Julia had given up a great deal more than he had accounted for when she decided to violate myriad social conventions, become a doctor, and then to stay on as coroner. She used his first name "William", and invited him to have coffee. He found he could only say yes to her, stammer "yes" to anything that allowed him to spend time in her presence, until he worked up a plan for telling her exactly how he felt, and figure out if she was receptive. There was always hope.
Julia took his arm for the walk to the club house for coffee, happy that he accepted her invitation, even if he still called her "doctor."
He also smiled a little, which pleased her even more. She noticed he seemed to take extra care in his attire today. His eyes were a warm brown, with the light of the water sparking in them. She understood perfectly well that he may not like the coffee but wanted to spend some social time with her. She also noticed he was even more attractive when he allowed himself a pleasant indulgence or two.
If he does have a sweetheart, Julia thought as she walked arm and arm with him, I'm going to give that woman a run for her money!
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Thanx for reading. If you choose, binge-watch S1 - 1-9 and tell me if you think I got it close to right. Presages the "Red Velvet Dress" on New Years... Thanx again to Fallenbelle2 for inspiration- -I got this idea after posting a comment to her on the idea of "plot" to one of her stories.