CHAPTER TEN
"I'm so proud of you, baby," Morgan murmured, kissing the back of her head softly.
It was late; they were in bed and he spooned behind her, waiting for sleep to take over. It has been a long, tiring day. They had spent an entire day in the hospital with Emily's father as he went through his treatment. And, for the entire day, all Morgan could see on her face was conflicting emotions. They were so strong that, for a moment, he'd thought he felt those emotions radiating off her body.
As they had made their way to her father's ward, she had a death grip on his hand, clinging onto him as if he was her only lifeline.
That morning, before leaving their place, she had attempted to convince him that she didn't need him to come with her, that there were more pressing matters that he could attend to while she was gone, though she had confessed that she was anxious about going to the hospital with her father.
He'd held her close as she told him how she felt. She confessed that she felt worried and sad and angry and guilty all at once and she was never really sure which one was going to dominate her demeanour for the day. Morgan couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment as she let her mask of composure fall away enough to let him be a part of her emotional turmoil; she had finally accepted the fact that he was always going to be there for her, that he would never leave her no matter what happened in the future, and she had finally stopped compartmentalizing...at least, when they were together.
A part of him wished that her father had never returned, the part of him that wished he could take all the pain and anger away.
He let himself re-visit the events that had happened earlier that day.
He sat beside his fiancée, watching the conflicting emotions on her face as she sat with her father on the chemotherapy ward. She held the hand not currently connected to an IV slowly feeding toxic chemicals into his bloodstream. Yet, despite the physical connection, there was still a distance between them.
Emily was struggling with keeping her emotions in check and Morgan knew it. She didn't want to be bitter when she was with Joe, when he was undergoing his treatment. He watched her frown as the nurse carefully pushed the thick needle into the protruding veins on the back of his hand. He helplessly watched as her eyes began to fill with tears when she watched the man who was supposedly infallible wince in pain. Despite all her worries, he could still see hints of anger, resentment, and pain.
There was nothing he could do to take the pain away. All he could do was to wrap his arms around her and whisper encouraging words into her ear. Letting her know that he would always be there, that he'd never leave her.
In return, she rested her head on his shoulder, as if to let him know that she needed his support. He tightened his arms around her, hoping to provide some form of comfort.
Staring at her father, she watched him in pain until it was too much for her to take, then she ran out of the hospital with tears in her eyes. Having gone after her, when Morgan wrapped her arms around her again, she finally broke down. The conflicting emotions had finally taken a toll on her.
"I feel like such a terrible person..." she whispered.
"Why would you say that?" He hated seeing her fall apart at the seams.
"What kind of person sees their dying father in pain and feels anger towards him?" she asked desperately. "But I can't help it! He decides to bring all this grief into our life now... He's known about this for how long and only decides to tell me about it while we're trying to start our lives together? Why would he do that?
I just want to hate him because then maybe this wouldn't be so hard... But if I hated him I think I'd feel even worse... I just don't know what to feel."
"You don't have to know," he assured, "And you don't have to just feel one thing. It's completely understandable that you're dealing with a lot of different feelings all at once. And I'm sure that your father understands that this isn't easy for you; if he really wants your forgiveness, he'll give you the time to work through this."
She was silent for a moment, her tears slowing. "How is it that no other woman snapped you up until now?" she asked softly. He just smiled and kissed her gently.
"Why are you proud of me?" she asked quietly, in deference to the nighttime silence.
"Because you put all your issues aside to be there for your dad when he needed you. I know it wasn't easy for you, but you handled it really well. Your father is lucky you care so much about him..."
"Even after all those years of trying to get over the pain of being abandoned, I guess I never really moved on..."
"Now you don't have to, you can get all the answers you've waited so long to hear and make the peace that will allow you to accept him back into your life."
There was a pensive silence for a moment. "Do you think he'll get better?" she asked, almost fearfully.
He obviously didn't know and didn't want to give her a false sense of security, so he instead said, "I think he has a lot to live for..."
She seemed to accept that answer, snuggling closer against his chest and falling silent again. The silence pervaded the room so thoroughly he thought she had fallen asleep. Then, she spoke again, "Do you ever feel resentful that I get a second chance at having a father and you'll never get that chance?"
"Do I wish I still had my dad, of course. But I had years of good memories of him before I lost him and I had the closure of knowing that he died an honorable death, a hero. I knew he was always a good man. You didn't get any of that... I want you to have those kinds of memories, I want you to be happy."
She smiled. "How did it ever take me so long to realize I wanted to marry you?"
"It's my fault," Morgan smiled, "I took too long to let you know I love you."