A/N: Happy Christmas! :) Couldn't sleep so I posted this chapter (10th one, yay! I was so sure this fic would die after the first chapters - not gonna happen anymore).

And thanks, thanks, thanks for the reviews, Gemini Peverell, mooree, samurasan101 and Godiva9. You made my Christmas even better! :)

Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 10: You Confuse Me

The pain Harry felt was as real as the pleasure.

Bellatrix was whispering, Lucius screaming and Narcissa crying quietly.

"Please, my Lord, please…"

"Crucio!"

As the pain seemed to explode in Harry's head, he woke up.

It was just a dream, he thought, and I am in my own bed in boys' dormitory at Hogwarts.

Harry noticed he was panting and felt cold sweat on his forehead. He felt panicked, somehow, as if the dream hadn't quite faded. He could almost hear the screams mixed with quiet sobs and whispers. He shivered.

Slowly, almost without his own noticing, Harry's hands came to his thighs. For a moment, he just let his hands lay there, considering whether to do it or not. Then, almost too slowly, he let his nails sink in. When he felt the pain, he drew upwards.

Don't think about the dream. Just think about the pain.

He did it again and again and again until his thighs hurt.

Change of location, he thought, strangely determined to feel pain, to stop thinking.

His arms hurt as he pushed his nails against the skin even harder, almost cutting the skin. He would leave bruises, he knew — the pressure was too much — but he didn't care.

He shut his eyes and gritted his teeth and tried to make the world go away. It had worked before. Whenever there had been a particularly bad, panic-causing vision, Harry had lulled himself to sleep with help of the pain and the endorphins that came after.

It didn't help this time.

I don't want to be alone.

Don't be ridiculous.

I can't be alone.

Don't be a baby.

I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS!

Alright. I'm going to see Snape. Now.

He got out of bed, almost like in trance, grabbed his invisibility cloak and left. As he walked towards the cold dungeons, he didn't question his decision — not once.

Before he had knocked on Snape's door, that is.

There were several things Harry noticed just then.

He's probably asleep.

He's going to kill me.

I have no decent reason to be here.

Fucking hell — I'm in my pajamas!

And then he realized he had knocked on the classroom door.

Harry let out a sigh of relief.

He's not here — I don't even know where his private quarters are. Now I can escap-

The door opened.

"Potter," Snape said. "What on Merlin's name are you doing here?"

He was still wearing his day robes, Harry noticed.

"I had a vision," Harry said, not knowing what else to say.

"And?"

"I. Um. I don't know. I just… well, the thing is-"

"Come inside," Snape said tiredly, to Harry's surprise.

As Harry stepped inside, Snape closed the door and walked towards another one that Harry had never seen before.

"Are you coming or not," Snape asked harshly. "If we are going to have a conversation, I want to be in by own quarters."

He's really letting me…

"Walk, Potter; it is not so hard."

Harry did as told, though he felt really awkward.

What the hell am I doing here, he thought.

Harry walked to the door, then stepped inside. The walls were white and the wooden floor was dark and yet the room wasn't anything like the one Harry had nightmares about. There was a big couch and a table. Fire was lit but otherwise the room was dark.

"Do you want firewhisky," Snape asked casually. "I'm having some."

"Well, yes, please," Harry said, astonished by Snape's friendliness.

Snape handed him a glass.

"Do sit down."

Harry did as told. Snape sat on the other end of the sofa and merely stared at Harry.

"Speak, Potter," Snape said tiredly. "It's not like I'm going to hex you."

"I'm sorry I came here," Harry began. "I just… Well, the thing is, the vision, um, visions can be quite… tough, really. And. Um. Ijustdidn'twannabealone."

"And so you came to me?" Snape's tone was more than mildly surprised.

"I didn't think."

"Well, that is nothing new," Snape said, then paused. "Do you wish to talk about it?"

"No," Harry said, though all that came out was a hoarse whisper.

"Why are you here, then?"

Harry felt his shoulders shaking.

"I just want it to stop… oh, God, I… Sorry, I'm..." Harry realized he was starting to cry AGAIN.

Snape didn't say anything.

"Could you… maybe… just do a rehearsal with me? I just want this to… stop."

"Just let it all out."

"No, NO! I don't… I can't… You don't know what I have to see… I mean, you do, I suppose, but not as… him. Just make it stop. Please."

"What do you think about a massage," the older wizard asked.

"Would you, really?" Harry was still sobbing.

"What would be a better time to build trust," Snape said dryly. "I have some massage oil. Take your shirt off — if that is fine with you."

Harry didn't really think as he took off his shirt.

"Just relax," Snape said. "You are safe now."

Harry heard Snape summon the oil. Shortly after that, Harry felt a pair of warm hands on his shoulders, slick with oil. He immediately relaxed a little.

"Thank you," Harry whispered and closed his eyes.

Strong, slow motions with little pressure. Fingers pressed to Harry's shoulders, warming up and testing, seeking for tension, weighing the condition of the muscles.

The touch of Snape's hands made Harry relax and shiver at the same time. He could feel Snape's magic or heartbeat or something pulsing, warming him up. There were no tears left, only this new feeling, strangely soothing but tickling in a way, something completely opposite to terror.

Surely this shouldn't feel this good — not like this.

Snape's hands were gentle but strong, kneading and pressing and Harry tried not to moan, not to tell how good it was, how good it felt to be touched bySnape.

I just didn't think that.

But there was no point in denying it. Harry was melting under the professional touch of his professor.

It's completely normal. Massage is meant to feel good, right?

Not this good, though. Snape's touch left Harry's skin on goosebumps. His skin was all shivers, really.

"Feeling cold, Potter," Snape asked. His voice was like a warm wave on Harry's skin. Harry could really feel it. There were more shivers as Snape talked with that lazy, smooth tone.

Oh God, what's wrong with me, Harry thought.

"I'm fine." His voice was a bit hoarse.

"It's not the temperature, then?"

Snape was mocking, Harry knew he was, but just hearing the sound of his voice…

"I'm just tired," he said.

Snape continued without making a sound. He was closer now, Harry knew, as he felt the man's breath on his neck. Harry continued shivering, unable to stop himself.

Snape's hands massaged his upper back and Harry felt so good — so safe and warm and almost like in that place. The hands on his back felt strangely good even though they were Snape's. Maybe not 'even though'. Maybe 'because'. He was too tired to even censor his thoughts.

Potter has a glorious body.

Dear Merlin, Severus, just put yourself together already!

Severus felt the boy's tight back under his palms, warm and a bit red where Severus' hands had made the tension go away. He made his way up, back to shoulders, letting his fingers just rest there.

The smell of him is not completely unpleasant, Severus noticed. It was quite the opposite, really, salty sweat and something else… something… He realized he was too close, breathing on the boy's neck. He quickly pulled away, placing his hands on Potter's arms.

"Ow," the boy said, quietly, then shut his mouth quickly.

"What's wrong," Severus asked.

"Nothing," Potter said but there was… what, pain, in his voice.

Severus looked closer. There were red lines, long and crossed, mapping the boy's pale arms. Some of them looked like bruises.

"What is this," Severus asked. He had a guess but he hoped it was wrong.

"Nothing." Potter sounded alarmed; he was clearly lying.

"Turn around," Severus said.

Potter did but did not look Severus in the eye.

"It's nothing," he repeated.

"Did you do this to yourself?"

"I. Um. I sometimes scratch myself when asleep," the boy mumbled, blushing and still not looking up.

"I will use Legilimency if necessary, Potter. Just spit it out."

There was a long moment during which Severus suddenly realized just how exhausted and fragile the boy looked. Potter chewed his lower lip, his long eyelashes lying on his reddened cheeks.

Suddenly he looked up and locked his eyes with Severus.

"I was scared." It was just a hoarse whisper, barely hearable. Then, even more quietly, "I am scared."

"I know," Severus said because that was all he really knew.

"I know you understand. I've seen you. In your memories."

Severus knew the boy knew. Potter had seen some of the times when Severus had let his body take all his hatred and anger and fear and sorrow and-

"You should not do it," Severus said softly. "It doesn't help."

"But it does," the boy insisted.

"For a moment, yes," Severus admitted. "But it leaves you feeling worse, doesn't it?"

"Well, maybe. But… somehow… satisfied. And there's nothing else that helps."

"How do you know?"

Suddenly Severus wanted to hold the boy close, to smooth his hair, to- I will not think about it.

"I-" will help you with your pain. "I just know it is not worth it. You are running away from your feelings. Pain does not make them not exist."

"I know. But if I shouldn't…Um… What does help, then?"

"Facing the feelings."

"I can't," Harry said. "I can't, really. It's too much for me. I- I think I might… I don't know. I just can't. Not… alone. God, I'm pathetic!"

"You are no such thing," Severus said, a bit too loudly. He lifted Potter's chin a bit, feeling the unshaved skin.

"But I am," the boy said, looking intensely at Severus, eyes flashing green. "I am afraid of it all. And I can't even deal with my feelings. And I feel so… lonely." He blushed again, a delicious color on his skin. Hi eyes were full of depression, though, shining with tears.

"You are not alone," Severus said quietly. "Think about your friends, about Albus."

"It's not enough."

Severus just looked at the boy, trying to figure out what to say.

"Think about me, then." I should not say this. Just stop it, stop alrea- "I am here. You are not alone; you are with me. You're safe, Harry." The boy's name came out as a whisper, clumsy and new. It didn't fit Severus' lips and yet the boy seemed to blush even deeper.

"Could you… come here," Potter asked hesitantly.

Severus walked around the sofa and sat next to the boy.

"Can I- May I…" Potter didn't end the sentence. He just lay down, placing his head on Severus' lap.

Severus was surprised but didn't push the boy away. He just let him lay there on his lap, eyes closed. After some time he felt Potter's body relax and heard his breathing deepen.

The brat fell asleep. I should wake him up.

But somehow Severus couldn't bring himself to do it. He let the boy sleep there and even smoothed the messy hair. I will not fall asleep, he thought. But Severus was very, very tired and Potter's head was very, very warm and the sofa was very, very comfortable.

He let his eyes rest closed.

Just for a moment.

A/N part 2: Hope you liked it! I know they both are horribly NOT IC in this chapter, I hope it doesn't spoil the mood. (Please tell if I'm doing a character-rape.) On the other hand, I do think that they both have a soft side. OK, enough babbling :D