Chapter 10

Staying home was the last thing on Elizabeth's mind. Entering her apartment, she made a beeline for her bedroom, changed into a pair of hip hugger jeans and a red sweater. Releasing her hair from the elastic band, she ran a brush through it, dusted on some powder and lip gloss, grabbed her purse and was out the door. Jake's – and a stiff drink – were calling her name.

Elizabeth scanned the joint for a familiar face and finding none chose a booth in the darker corner of the bar. She was not interested in being bothered. She placed her elbows on the table and her face in her hands. The jukebox was alive with music, people were playing pool, sitting at tables chatting with friends and she was… alone, and wanted it that way. When the waitress came to take her order, Elizabeth glanced up briefly and requested a steady stream of bourbon and coke.

What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?

She absently ran a finger over her lips as she heard Jason's voice replay in her mind…as it morphed into her own. She wanted happiness. She wanted to trust. To love. She wanted a partner and a home and maybe to plan to have a baby. Jason couldn't give her those things. Too much had happened between them. Besides the fact that he would always put Sonny, his family and their business first, there was too much he didn't know. How would he feel if he did, she wondered. But decided it really didn't matter - because he never would.

She huffed and took a large swallow of her drink. Sonny and the business. Although it hurt to think, Elizabeth knew it had probably all worked out for the best. Where would she have landed on Jason's long list of priorities? She'd spent her childhood getting the short end of the stick and she wouldn't do that to herself again. Elizabeth knew she was really good at excusing the behavior of others. Hell, she'd spent years doing it for Lucky, but with Jason…she had allowed herself to expect more. He wouldn't have accepted it any other way. Jason wanted her trust and understanding, and when she fully gave herself to him…she was met with a harsh dose of reality.

Elizabeth's train of thought was interrupted when the waitress traded her empty rocks glass for a full one. She glanced over at the pool table and was rushed with the memory of the last time she was at Jake's, with Ryan.

Ryan. Ryan was a great guy. Great family – unlike her own – or the Quartermaines for that matter. He was gainfully employed in a safe, and legal, profession. He had roots. She never needed to worry that he would disappear in the middle of the night and oh… say, not been seen again for three years. She trusted him, she realized. He was safe. Very safe. Too safe? Would he ever take her riding on the back of a motorcycle and take the turns so fast she'd scream? Well, maybe she didn't want to be on the back of a motorcycle anymore. Elizabeth recalled telling Jason once that she couldn't spend her life there and it really made sense, she thought with conviction.

She decided she just needed to jump in. Jump in with both feet. I trust him. He's a great guy. He would never hurt me.

She had spent the past six months waiting for her heart to catch up with her head and maybe that was a mistake. Maybe Ryan had a point. Elizabeth kept him at arms length, which kept her heart from moving on. She was stuck in the past and would never move forward if she didn't take the plunge. She had been living in neutral for far too long.

Staring at the bottom of her second drink, Elizabeth felt all warm and fuzzy inside. She pulled out her cell phone and began to dial, then stopped. Feeling oddly energized, she left money on the table, packed up her things and went to hail a cab.

Jump in with both feet, she reminded herself as she stood outside the door to his apartment. She felt like her heart was beating through her chest. Knocking, she waited. She checked her watch – midnight – not too late for a Friday. Her fist found the door again and she straightened as she heard the lock twist on the other side.

Ryan cracked the door and lifted his browns in a look of surprise as he eyed Elizabeth. His face relaxed as he appeared to consider her.

They sat in momentary silence.

Feeling nervous, Elizabeth started chewing her bottom lip and rolling her foot onto its side. "Are you going to ask me in?" she asked with a slight smile.

He shook himself, "Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I just didn't expect to see you again tonight." He paused as she walked through the threshold. "Where have you been?"

"Oh, around," she replied, flipping her hand in the air. Turning she noticed that Ryan didn't have a shirt on. His chest was well defined and he was sporting a six pack. Standing there in sleeping pants slung low on his hips; he looked like a runner – muscles all long and lean. Elizabeth felt herself blush. "I-I was at the docks…and Jake's, but mostly Jake's though," she said quickly.

"That would explain the smell," he stated, nodding his head.

"I smell?" she asked, a look of embarrassment on her face as she tucked her hair behind her ear.

Ryan opened his mouth to respond…then paused. "What are you doing here Elizabeth?" he asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Realizing it had been a long time since he called her by her full name, she felt a twinge in her chest at the sudden formality from him. "I…I've been thinking and I needed to talk to you." Elizabeth stumbled over her words.

Creasing his forehead, Ryan asked, "How did you get here?"

"Cab."

"Are you drunk?" he questioned directly.

"No. No, I'm not drunk. I probably wouldn't pass a breathalyzer, but that only makes me an unsafe driver. Not that I drove. I would say I'm buzzed. Yeah, definitely buzzed…" Elizabeth babbled.

"So what?" Ryan interrupted, quickly lifted and dropped his shoulders.

"What?" she parroted.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked.

Elizabeth took a deep breath. Both feet, she reminded herself as she walked over to Ryan to stand really, really close to him. Her chest bumped against his still folded arms with each breath she took and she placed her hands in the crooks of his elbows.

"I want you," she said, looking straight into his eyes.

"What?" He sounded confused.

"I want you." Her gaze turned expectant.

"Elizabeth," he said and cocked his head to the side. "What are you doing?"

"I'm telling you what I want. It has taken me a long time to feel ready to be with someone again, but I am and I want to be with you," she said emphatically.

"Why the sudden change?" Ryan's voice was laced with skepticism.

"I…I've been doing a lot of thinking," she repeated.

Ryan looked over Elizabeth's head and furrowed his brow before turning his gaze back to her. "It's been roughly six hours since I left your place and now you're here telling me you've been thinking and that you want me. Are you sure this isn't the alcohol talking?"

"Yes," she nodded her head. "You were right. I've been hiding behind walls, afraid to get hurt, afraid to trust…But when I think about it, I know I trust you, Ryan," she said as she stared into his eyes. "I have always had the ability to be my own worst enemy and this time isn't any different. I'm so tired of hiding and nursing old wounds..." Elizabeth trailed off as she began moving her fingers gently up Ryan's arms; she felt the muscles of his biceps twitch under her delicate touch. She licked her lips and her eyes softened. "Please be with me," she whispered.

Ryan shifted, uncrossing his arms and sliding them around Elizabeth's waist. His breathing deepened, his pupils expanded as his eyes darkened with desire. She felt a shift in the mood as her gaze dropped to his mouth and back up to his eyes. She absently began nibbling her lip.

"Nervous?" he asked, his voice husky.

"A little," she responded truthfully. "It's been a very long time."

"You're positive about this?" he asked as he brushed her hair off her face with his hand.

"Yes," she replied, slowly nodding her head as her heart began to race.

"Well, who am I to turn you down," he said as he took her hand and led her to his bedroom.