DISCLAIMER: SVU AINT MINE.
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AN: Sorry it's been a while, writers block on almost all my stories but here it is, still not an E/O chapter but hopefully it will still be good.
Chapter Ten
When Olivia woke the next morning she felt better, that was until she went to the bathroom and had a reminder of what happened. After a hot shower and a good cry she made her coffee and made her way to the one six, she knew Dean would be at Federal Plaza and was not expecting her to come in.
Once she was parked she dropped her head to the steering wheel to gather herself before making the familiar journey up to the squad room.
"Hey Liv what are you doing here today?" Nick asked as she entered the bullpen.
"No good sat on my backside." She laughed but it was so false even Nick saw through it and rolled his eyes at her.
"I want to talk to Cragen is he in?" She asked not wanting to have this discussion with Nick just yet.
"In his office as always." Nick smiled before letting her past.
Olivia nodded and gave him a smile in return before going over to the Captain's office and gently knocking the door before slipping inside.
"Liv what are you doing here?" He asked in surprise.
"Just thought I'd come say hi." She replied and he knew at once that meant she wanted to talk.
"Come in and sit down then." He smiled gently wanting her to feel comfortable in getting whatever it was off her chest.
Olivia nodded and took one of the empty seats. Cragen could see she was down, it was obvious to anyone but he didn't know the full extent of what had happened in Texas, he just knew the Agent had been shot.
"What is it Liv?" He asked and she looked at him as her eyes filled with tears.
At that moment he knew it was serious. He quickly rushed around the side of the desk and he was more than happy taking her into an embrace and letting her cry.
"Sorry." She sniffed into his shoulder.
"Don't apologise but tell me what happened? What's wrong Liv?" He asked as he sat her back down and he himself sat in the chair beside her.
"When I got shot ..." She sighed and wiped her eyes and cheeks as she tried to form the words in her mind.
"Liv?" He questioned trying to read her eyes.
"I had a miscarriage." She whispered before the tears flooded down her cheeks once again and Cragen wrapped his arms around her as the words she'd spoken sank in.
It took a little under five minutes for Olivia to regain herself and for Cragen to let her go. He was in complete shock and wasn't sure what to say to her. She was like a daughter to him and he knew how badly she wanted to be a mother and for her to have been pregnant and have that baby taken away from her was just cruel.
"I didn't even know I was pregnant I'd have been more careful this is all my fault." She whispered and Cragen shook his head hoping that he'd be the voice of reason in her head.
"Livia, this is in no way your fault and blaming yourself isn't going to help you. You didn't know there was nothing you can do to stop or change this." He soothed as he stroked her shoulder gently.
"But I should have noticed something!" She cried out. "It's my body I'm the one who should have known I was pregnant in the first place... Why didn't I know?"
Cragen wrapped his arms around her again and realised there was only one person Olivia needed to speak with right now and he definitely wasn't it.
Once she'd calmed down enough he went out to make them both a coffee while he called in the department shrink. Luckily Huang was already on his way over and was there before the coffee had finished brewing. Cragen gave him Olivia's coffee and went to make himself busy while George used his office to speak with Olivia.
"How are you Liv?" He smiled as he shut the door behind him.
"If I knew Cragen was going to call you I wouldn't have come." Olivia sighed getting to her feet.
"Olivia..."
"George we're both FBI now, I can't talk to you." Olivia explained as she grabbed the door handle.
"I won't tell anyone anything outside these four walls Olivia." Huang said firmly making sure Olivia understood that he'd be telling Cragen but no one else.
"How can I trust you?" Olivia asked turning back in me.
"Because I'm your friend not just a shrink." He replied and he reached the coffee over to her and she took it before sitting down on the old couch beneath the window while Huang pulled up a chair.
"So you want to tell me what happened?" He asked as Cragen hadn't filled him in.
"I miscarried when I was shot." Olivia replied weakly as she fought against the tears threatening to spill over once again.
"Did you know you were pregnant?" Huang asked and Olivia shook her head as she bit down on her bottom lip to stifle a sob.
"I had no idea." She whispered eventually. "If I'd have known..."
"No Olivia, it wouldn't have made a difference." Huang said before she could even finish her sentence.
"How could I not know?" Olivia asked weakly. "I should have been able to tell."
"Sometimes Liv the body doesn't tell you for a while, sometimes you still get your period and don't get any symptoms until you're out of the first trimester, it's different for every woman." Huang tried reassuring her.
"I feel so hopeless." She whispered.
"Why?" Huang questioned wanting to get as much information out of her as he could.
"My one chance to be a mom and have a baby and I can't do it." Olivia replied her voice becoming higher pitched as she became more distressed.
"Olivia, you're going to get another chance at this, sometimes things are just meant to be, this wasn't meant to be Liv you need to accept that in order to move on." Huang explained. "Have you and Dean spoken about this?"
"No he left last night." Olivia said and the when she saw Huang's face fall she corrected herself. "He just thought we both needed our own beds and time to think things through he's not left me... not yet anyway."
"I don't think he's planning on leaving you at all Olivia." Huang reassured her. "He's head over heels in love with you."
Olivia looked at the Doctor and nodded.
"He asked me to marry him." She told him her voice a shallow whisper.
"I'm not surprised." Huang smiled, he'd actually already heard that piece of information back at Federal Plaza but he wasn't going to tell her that.
"I said yes." She continued and Huang could see there was more going on in Olivia's mind than just the miscarriage.
"He's still going to want to marry you Olivia, just because you lost the baby I don't think that makes any difference to him." Huang stated firmly, he knew that much.
"That's not what's bothering me about the engagement." Olivia began and Huang was silent so she could explain. "He asked me just before we went into the operation, he knew we were going into a life or death situation, was it just a heat of the moment thing?" Olivia asked and she was looking at Huang for an answer.
"I don't know Liv it could have been but I don't think he would have asked you if he didn't mean it." Huang smiled gently, he knew Olivia was just scared of being happy for once.
"I'm just being stupid." Olivia sighed.
"That's the one thing you're not being." Huang smiled as he gave his friend a gentle hug.
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Olivia was sat typing at her desk in the one six when Dean came round.
"I thought you would be taking a day to yourself." He told her as she wrapped him up in an embrace.
"I came in to talk with Don, didn't see the point in leaving then." She shrugged as she took in the comfort and warmth he gave her.
"You want to go and get some coffee and maybe we can talk a bit?" Dean asked and Olivia nodded and quickly grabbed her coat and as she was about to go and tell Cragen where she was going she realised that she didn't have to, it was still so easy to forget that she didn't actually work for him anymore.
They walked three blocks to a little coffee shop that Olivia liked. They ordered their drinks and sat in the corner booth snuggled up tight needing to feel that connection.
"How are you Livia?" He asked as he stroked his hand up and down her arm.
"I'm better now how are you?" Olivia asked understanding that she wasn't the only person who'd lost a child.
"Better now I have you in my arms again." He replied. "Liv..."
"What?" She asked as she snuggled her head into his shoulder.
"When I asked you to marry me you didn't just say yes because we were going into a life or death situation did you?" He asked weakly.
Olivia laughed making him look at her desperately seeking that she wasn't about to say yes.
"What's so funny?" He asked.
"I told Huang I thought the same thing about you today, that you only asked me because the raid could have gone wrong." Olivia explained.
"Well I definitely didn't, asking someone to marry you is a big step and it wasn't how I wanted to ask you but I needed to ask you and I told you then that if I was to die I wanted to go with the knowledge that you would have married me but if we survived I actually did want to marry you." Dean replied shakily, he was terrified that she had changed her mind.
"Dean, I want to marry you. I'm certain." She told him before crashing her lips to his.
As he kissed her and took in her taste and smell once again, his hand played with the small blue box in his pocket.
"Liv." He mumbled into her mouth making her pull her lips from his to look into his eyes. "Will you marry me?" He asked revealing the blue box.
"I've already said it and I will say it again, yes Dean Porter I will marry you." She smiled as he opened the ring box and slid it onto her finger.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him hard. He kissed her right back as he was so happy.
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So yeah. Lol. Not long now before the epic Stabler return, but you're all going to hate me for it.