Chapter 10

During the next week Angela reduced her workload. She lived healthier and ate three meals a day. Since she hadn't recognized her former nausea as a phenomenon of her pregnancy she was now over it. The doctor had told her that everything was fine, the blood test was okay and the ultrasound had shown a healthy fetus. Angela was carried away when she saw her baby for the first time. When she was pregnant with Jonathan that kind of examination didn't exist. What had bothered her the most was that she was on her own. The doctor had asked her if she or the baby's father had any health problems and she had blushed furiously. The question had made her think of Tony's perfectly flawless body. She could only shake her head in negative response. In the end the doctor prognosticated an easy process and she was relieved that everything went so well. For a moment while lying on the examination table she wished Tony was at her side holding her hand, but that was out of the question.

When she was back in the agency she shortly considered calling him to tell him the results of the examinations but then rejected the idea. He had said he would call her and she didn't want to harass him. Angela got more nervous with each passing day, but he kept her waiting until Sunday to receive the relieving call. He had called while she was having breakfast but the talk was awkward and left her nervous. At first when she heard his voice her heartbeat quickened. Actually he didn't say much beside that he had rescheduled his classes and would fly over on Thursday evening. That would mean they had at least three days for… Yes, for what? Figuring out something? Finding a way back? Talking about custody? Not the slightest idea of what they would do in the future came into her mind. She couldn't think of raising the baby together with Tony. Yes, she could think of it but certainly he couldn't. 3000 miles was a long distance. She also couldn't think about raising the baby without him and she was sure he wouldn't leave parenting to her alone.

When the plane landed at LaGuardia Tony expected Sam to pick him up and was surprised that she didn't show up at the gate. Slowly he moved towards the exit, looking around more intensely to make sure he hadn't missed his daughter.

"Tony?"

Her voice never failed to surprise him. There she was, standing close to the transportation desk waving with one hand. God, she was stunning! She looked much better than two weeks ago and the specific aura of motherhood surrounded her like a halo. He went over and their eyes met. She indeed looked different but her questioning eyes were much the same as they had been the day she stood in his doorway.

"Hi," he said when he stood in front of her.

"Hi," she replied and lifted her arm. She was about to touch him but then dropped it down.

"Uuhm, how are you doing?" he asked and together they walked toward the exit.

"Fine, I'm feeling fine. Everything is okay."

"I expected Sam to pick me up."

"She wanted to, but her car broke down and she called me. I had a meeting in the city anyway."

"You shouldn't work so much."

"I've reduced my hours but I would be relieved if you drove back to Fairfield," she told him and handed him her keys.

They reached the parking lot. Tony led her to the passenger side then took his place on the driver's seat. It felt odd to drive the Jaguar again. So familiar and yet so strange. During the drive to Fairfield they didn't talk much. Angela informed him about the results of her appointment in detail and minutes later she fell asleep. From time to time he looked at her face, her closed eyes and her long lashes. Strands of her hair had fallen on her face but he didn't dare touch her, being too afraid to wake her up. After reaching the driveway at Oak Hills Drive she woke up, looking around slightly disoriented.

"Oh, we are already home," she wiped her eyes, "I'm sorry, I wasn't entertaining."

"No reason to be sorry. I like….,"he cut himself off before the truth slipped out. He had wanted to say, "I like watching you sleep, "but instead went with the far safer," I like that you are able to sleep everywhere you sit."."

Together they walked over to the house. Tony was about unlocking the front door when he looked at the key. All at once his heart started pounding heavily. That wasn't his key anymore and he had no right to use it. He swallowed and stared at the "BA", the golden emblem of the Bower Agency. After a few seconds he lifted his head and took two steps backwards. He held the keys up to Angela who looked at him with wide eyes. She had observed his extraordinary reaction with fright, exactly knowing what was running through his mind. The key dropped to the floor and she bent down to pick it up. When she put the key in the door her hands were trembling. Quietly they entered the house, both feeling odd. The long weekend seemed not to stand under a good star.

Angela hung her jacket on the rack and stroked her hands nervously over her skirt. Tony did the same with his jacket and crossed the room slowly. He stopped in front of the book shelf. It looked like it always looked. Even the picture of all five of them from their first year together was in its place. The same picture he hid in the back of his wardrobe deep down under his shirts. His eyes wandered over the books and absentmindedly he took a Jane Austen book out of the shelf and arrayed it at the beginning of the row. Austen before Brecht. Then he turned around to Angela. She was still standing in the middle of the living room and hadn't moved.

"I'm sorry, Angela. I'm feeling bizarre here. I… I thought I would never come back into this house. Actually I'm overwhelmed." He shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm going to change clothes; that will give you some time alone," she replied and went upstairs.

Tony walked through the swing door. The kitchen. His former work place. Slowly he passed through the room. Everything was in its old place. The pots with herbs above the sink. The water dispenser in the corner. The spice rack. Only the old coffee brewer had been replaced by a new modern coffee machine.

The swing door flew open and Angela appeared in light blue sweat pants and a white shirt. Her belly was lightly rounded and Tony couldn't glance away. Her pregnancy had become obvious.

Angela blushed at his silent observation and stroked over her stomach.

"Yes, I'm beginning to show and I can't keep the secret for long. I didn't tell the children yet because I… . I don't know what to say. I can't offer them a satisfying explanation and I wanted to ask you first."

"We will tell them together but we need more time alone to work this out, Angela," he said and rubbed his hands.

"I know."

She paced back and forth through the kitchen but then returned to him again.

"You must be hungry, Tony. Shall we order in some pizza?"

"Angela, order in? Let me see what's in the fridge and I'll conjure up a meal for us."

"Tony, you don't need to cook. That's… that's," she replied flustered.

"What? You don't like my cooking?"

"That's not what I mean, you know that. I always liked your cooking," she looked down to the floor.

"Well, then," with those words he went over to the fridge and opened it," all that I need for a marinara sauce.

He started his preparations and Angela set the kitchen table. Her stomach did flip flops. He stood there like he had for the past seven years, as if nothing had changed. He chopped tomatoes and herbs. He threw the spaghetti into the boiling water and a wonderful meal was finished in 15 minutes.

"Do you want some wine, Tony?"

"No, I don't want alcohol. You can't drink anyway."

"It smells perfect. I haven't had such a marinara sauce since… since you," she couldn't finish the sentence.

"Since I moved out? There is no reason not to call the child by its name, Angela.

"Yes," she whispered.

The rest of meal passed in silence. They tidied up together and with a cup of tea they entered the living room and took a place on the couch. Tony placed his cup on the table and folded his hands in his lap. During the past week he had reassessed his new life situation. When he had moved to California to start a new life he had felt depressed and over the weeks it hadn't gotten any better. He liked his new job and the beach was a cool place to live, but there was no point in denying it: He wasn't happy. It hadn't so much to do with the location as with the separation from Angela. He was lonesome and he missed the rest of the family, but leaving L. A. and quitting his new job was out of the question; he needed experience. So he had developed an idea and it was about time to convince Angela.

"Angela, I did a lot of thinking this the week. You said you don't expect anything from me and I know you would never press me into anything, but not expecting doesn't mean you don't have dreams and wishes. Do you really want the baby growing up fatherless? I can't believe that. You know I'm not the type of man who brings a child into the world and then turn my back to you."

"Tony, I did a lot of thinking too, believe me, but I don't want you to change your life again because of me… me being so incautious. I made a lot of mistakes, God knows how many, but I would never tie you to something you never wanted," her eyes were pleading, "and talking about dreams… I banished all my dreams in a dark corner of the basement, Tony. And they get dusty more and more."

She couldn't suppress the sadness in her voice. She had messed up. Everything was her fault. He had decided that he wouldn't be around to fulfill his role as the father of her unborn baby.

"Angela?" he whispered, "I'm good at dusting. If you give me the chance the air will be as clear like after a spring cleaning. Look, this situation we are in, how did we get into it?"

It was a rhetorical question and so Tony went on talking. He rose from the couch and paced through the room.

"I'll tell you how we got into it. It's because of lying, Angela. Because of telling the untruth. Because of not being honest about our feelings. Because of not talking about our dreams and wishes. Because of suppressing everything we felt. Because of denying. There are hundreds of "because". And each of them had led us to this awful situation we are in. We lost everything because of those "becauses". If we want to… want to get back friendship and trust we'll have to rework things. You said you have lost your trust and I understand that, but if you want us to be good parents you need to trust me again… and I would do anything for that," he rushed his hands through his hair and then got interrupted by her voice.

"Tony, I.. I do trust you. I guess, I never really lost it. I talked myself into believing I didn't… but it's not true," she said insistently.

"Why? Why do you trust me so suddenly? What did I say?"

Angela went over to the window where he stood and stopped in front of him.

"It's more what you didn't say, Tony. You didn't ask me that question," she surprised him with that answer.

"What question?" He raised his eye brows.

"You didn't ask me if I'm sure you're the father of the baby. You had no doubts. You believed me. The second I told you you trusted that I was telling you the truth. I talked with my mother about that lately and the moment I told her I realized that I never lost my trust because you trusted me without hesitation."

He looked into her eyes, astonished.

"I would never have a doubt. If you tell me I'm the father I'm sure I am. I know for sure that you would never lie to me about that."

"And I'm thankful for that, I don't deserve it."

"You deserve everything you want, Angela."

She looked down to the floor. All at once she felt so tired. Tired of the entire muddle around. This evening turned to be out to be an emotional roller coaster ride.

Tony observed her sudden paleness and walked over to her.

"Look, we're both exhausted and it's late. We can talk tomorrow and you need your rest. I'll come over for breakfast, before you go to work."

"I won't go to work. I'll take the day off. It's more important to clear up things," she explained, " but what do you mean with come over? Where do you want to go?" she asked nervously.

"I rented a room at the Fairfield Inn. I can't sleep at Sam's dorm, so I needed a hotel."

"I thought you would… ," she commenced to talk, " you could sleep here, in your old room. I didn't change anything."

He breathed heavily, looking around the room. Everything was so familiar, but nevertheless so strange. He swallowed hard. There was no way that he would find any sleep here.

"Thank you for the offer but I… I can't sleep here. It wouldn't feel right to me and I… I can't, Angela. So many memories I'm not ready for. I'm sorry but I have to leave," he was focused on her sad eyes and instantly felt guilty.

Tony walked to the door and took his jacket. He turned around and their eyes met. Both mirroring the same kind of sorrow, guilt and pain. His hand touched the doorknob and the iron felt so cold in his hand.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ang. Sleep well," with these last words he left the house and closed the door behind him.

Angela stared at the door he had vanished through and a single tear went down her cheek. Bye, she whispered to herself.