Chapter X: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Lovely Spam, Wonderful Spam
A/N: Bramble inspired by notbecauseofvictories on Tumblr for her Angel Coulby photo set. Special thanks to The Hobbit Movies on Google+ recommended by for transcripts for the films.
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Bramble ate with as much dignity as she could while scarfing down her sandwich. "Here are the boxes," the waiter said.
"Thanks," Bramble said. She ran out of the diner, unhooked her bike from the van, and cycled back towards the broken down car.
When she arrived at the gravel driveway, she saw Fíli and Kíli arguing.
"What's the matter?" the Hobbit asked.
"We were supposed to be looking out for the Impala," Fíli said.
"But we got hungry," Kíli said.
"And there were these apple trees a bit of a ways over there," Fíli said.
"And when we came back," Kíli said.
They both motioned to the empty driveway.
"Well, that's not good. That's not good at all. Shouldn't we tell Thorin?" Bramble said. She tried to reach for her phone.
"No!" Fíli said, "Let's not worry him."
"Also, he'll kill us for losing his car," Kíli said before being elbowed by Fíli.
Fíli continued, "As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it. It's um… probably some local kids."
"I don't even know where to find the car!" Bramble said.
Fíli and Kíli looked around. "It seems like someone recently pushed a car further up the drive," Kíli said. He grabbed the two lunches from the basket.
The three went up the drive, avoiding rotten green fruit that had fallen from the trees. Eventually, they saw car tracks that went off into the woods.
"I hear something," Bramble said.
They walked over to the crest of the hill. Kíli carefully looked over.
"Trolls," Kíli hissed as he ducked back down, "They have the Impala."
"Trolls?" Bramble said. She looked over the hill and saw three abnormally large creatures at least twice her height. They had humanoid features, but their grey skin and thick bodies reminded her of boulders. "They are going to rip it apart! We have to do something."
"Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you're so small," Fíli said.
"You're shorter than me! I can't steal a car!" Bramble said.
"Just the weapons in the trunk so we can give them to idad so he can get the car back. It's already open. There's a hidden compartment that is opened by pressing a blue button on the left side of the trunk," Fíli said.
"No," Bramble said.
"They'll never see you," Kíli said, "It's perfectly safe! We'll be right behind you."
"If you run into trouble, hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl," Fíli said.
They dragged her to the edge of the clearing, stopping in front of some bushes..
"I don't know how to hoot like…" Bramble turned around and found herself alone. "Oh, this is a bad idea."
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"Nasty business those trolls," a diner that sat behind Thorin said to the waiter, "That poor family. Robbed blind and killed."
"As long as folks stay away from that farm, they'll be safe until the Rangers can deal with it," the waiter said.
Thorin tilted back in his seat. "We'll need that check immediately. A family emergency has just come up."
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Bramble took off her boots. The clearing was made of grass and dirt so she did not have to worry about her feet being cut by rocks. Besides, she needed stealth more than she needed to avoid irritating plants. She began moving towards the car.
"Spam yesterday, Spam today, and if it don't look like Spam again tomorrow," Bert said.
"Shut up. At least we got whatever these things are," Tom said.
"They're MREs and I don't like 'em," William said.
"Well, it's better than the leathery old farmer. All skin and bone, he was. I'm still picking bits of him out of me teeth," Bert said.
Bramble crept close enough to hide behind the Impala. She took a moment to catch her breath. Fainting in a troll camp would do good for no one. The trolls kept discussing the terrible food they had been eating lately.
The Hobbit moved to the open the secret compartment of the Impala. The trunk looked as if it had been partially ripped off. Bramble found the blue button Fíli had described to her. The compartment quickly opened, but Bramble slowed it down so it did not hit the top of the trunk. All of the supplies had been taken, but none of the weapons had. Several shotguns, handguns, axes, knives, and swords were in a bag as well as ammo.
She was about to begin taking items when she felt one of the trolls grab her legs. Bramble screamed, "LET GO OF ME YOU BOULDER!"
"What are you? An oversized squirrel?" Tom asked. He held Bramble by her legs and upside down.
A wild thought of being grateful for wearing jeans under her skirt crossed Bramble's mind before she yelled, "I AM ANGRY AND CROSS AT YOU!"
"This one's a screamer," William said.
"Can we cook her?" Bert asked.
"We can try!" William said.
"She wouldn't make more than a mouthful, not when she's skinned and boned!" Bert said.
"Maybe there's more of them. Maybe enough for a pie!" Tom said enthusiastically.
"Nope! No one but me! I'm the only one around these parts!" Bramble said. (Which was true. She was the only Hobbit outside of Indiana.)
"Drop her!" Kíli said as he burst out of the bushes with his hand gun drawn.
"You what?" Tom said.
"I said," Kíli fired a shot that scratched Tom's arm, "Drop her."
"Kíli run!" Bramble said before being tossed at the Dwarf. She knocked him off his feet.
There was a shout in Khuzdul before several guns fired. The bullets did almost no harm to the trolls, but it did distract them long enough for Nori to sneak into the clearing. She took the non-mechanical weapons and ran back into the forest.
Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, Fíli, Óin, and Glóin came out from among the trees with swords and axes. The manual weapons seemed to hurt the trolls more than bullets.
Bramble was about to run with Kíli when a troll grabbed by her legs again. This time, she took her pocket knife out and tried to stab the troll. It did not even notice. Another troll took her arms and they began to stretch Bramble until she screamed.
"PUT DOWN YOUR ARMS OR WE'LL RIP ITS OFF!"
Bramble tried to tell the Company to run, but all she could do was scream in pain. She heard something pop.
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Thorin wanted to smack the Hobbit with a log or another heavy object. However, this would not happen if the trolls ripped her into pieces.
"Weapons down!" Thorin shouted in Khuzdul.
Dís, Thorin, and Ori jumped out of the trees they had been sniping in. Thorin knelt to the ground and removed the ammunition from the rifle he had been using. Dís and Ori did the same with their guns. Everyone put their weapons on the ground and their hands behind their heads.
The two trolls dropped Bramble. She bit her lip and tried not to move her arms, but one of the trolls roughly stuffed her into a sack, making her scream again. Thorin felt sick. He could hear her whimpering. "Run. Please run."
The trolls next stuffed most of the company into sacks. Dwalin, Bofur, Dori, Ori and Nori were strapped onto a spit before the trolls started a fire under them. The trolls tossed Dís and Kíli on top of Thorin while Fíli, Balin, Óin, Glóin, Bifur, and Bombur were near his feet. The Hobbit lay on her stomach near the fire and breathed heavily.
The three trolls argued about how to cook the Dwarves and the Hobbit before the clouds broke. Amongst the lovely options were: squashing them into jelly, making them into a pie, sautéing them with a sprinkle of sage…
"Wait! You are making a terrible mistake," Bramble said.
"You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!" Dori shouted.
"Half-wits? What does that make us?" Bofur snarked.
With a screech of pain, Bramble pushed herself up to her knees and stood on her feet. "The seasoning is all wrong!"
"What about the seasoning?" Bert said.
"Well, have you smelled them? I've smelled corpses that were fresher than their feet," Bramble said.
Thorin began shouting at Bramble at the indignity of such. She went barefoot! She skipped! As if she could discuss feet!
"What do you know about cooking Dwarf?" Tom grumbled.
"Shut up and let the… whatever it is talk," Bert said.
"Uh, well, the secret to cooking Dwarf is… the secret is… to skin them first!" Bramble said.
"Tom, get me the filleting knife," Bert said.
The Dwarves cursed Bramble and all the Halflings.
Tom said, "What a load of rubbish! I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scuff them, I say, boots and all."
"Nothing wrong with a bit of raw Dwarf! Nice and crunchy," William said. He picked up Bombur and was about to eat her whole when Bramble interrupted.
"NO! NOT THAT ONE! SHE'S… INFECTED! Yeah, she's got worms in her… tubes." William dropped Bombur back into the pile. "In fact, they all have worms. They're infested with parasites. The worst kinds. The kind that eat your brains. It's a terrible business. I wouldn't risk it. I really wouldn't."
The Dwarves began yelling about the traitorous nature of Hobbits until Thorin saw Bramble wink at him and tilt her head towards the top of the hill. He saw the edge of a grey suit in the distance. He kicked the Dwarves near him. The Company paused and realized that Bramble was trying to save them.
"I've got parasites as big as my arm."
"Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!"
"We're riddled."
"Yes, I'm riddled."
"Yes we are. Badly!"
Tom said, "What would you have us do, then, let 'em all go?"
Bramble tilted her head and smiled slightly. "Well..."
Tom pushed Bramble onto her back and she yelped in pain. "You think I don't know what you're up to? This little ferret is taking us for fools!"
"The light will take you all!" a deep voice shouted.
The top of the hill split, revealing the sun on its way towards the west. The trolls screamed until they were silenced by becoming stone.
Bramble rolled onto her stomach. "Someone please hit me over the head the next time I do something so stupid ever again."
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A/N: I was able to quote many Monty Python sketches and movies long before I was allowed to watch the actual show, thus the title of this chapter.
Translations of Khuzdul - Thanks to khuzdul4u.
Idad - Uncle.