Chapter 10

"Easy. That's good. That was good. Okay, one more," Kate encouraged Sawyer as she helped him do some physical therapy for his shoulder.

After their kiss in the rain, the previous day, they had each headed to their own shelter to get changed. Later, they had sat in the company of the other castaways, side by side near the fire. They hadn't touched; they hadn't talk, they were just content to be close to one another. They feared they'd say something to ruin it all: and given their history, it wouldn't have been surprising.

But come morning they had naturally looked for one another and she had gladly agreed to help him with the exercises Jack had recommended. Now she was really close to him and had to restrain herself from kissing him. Thankfully they were surrounded by people going about their business and that was enough to stop her. They weren't ready to be a couple, let alone everybody knowing they had feelings for one another. So she settled for lingering touches and warm smiles and Sawyer seemed to enjoy those just fine, thanking her with big, dimpled grins.

They had gone back to their usual teasing banter and she took great pleasure in it. But a question was nagging her, and she didn't really know how to ask him. What if he got angry again?

But after a while, noticing she seemed preoccupied, Sawyer was the one to break the ice.

"Something wrong, Freckles?" he wondered, his brow furrowed.

Kate almost shook her head, ready to deny anything was bothering her. But then she realised that if they ever wanted to be together, they had to be able to talk to each other, to reveal themselves little by little. She had to know who he really was, and asking this question was as good a start as any. So she took a deep breath and asked, trying to be casual:

"I was just wondering… What's your last name?"

Immediately his concerned look transformed into a threatening one and Kate almost took a step back. But she stopped, not allowing herself to be intimidated. No, she wasn't going to let him push her away every time she got a little closer.

"Don't give me that look," she lectured him mockingly. She gave him a million dollar smile and she saw him relax a bit.

For a moment, he seemed to consider if he'd tell her or not, but then replied, his voice low:

"Ford."

Knowing how much it had cost him to tell her that, she grinned gratefully. He seemed to understand and a smile slowly returned to his tanned face.

Not wanting to push it but still having many questions about the previous day's events, Kate asked:

"How do you think the man knew your name?"

"I have no idea," Sawyer replied, looking as bewildered as she did.

"Do you believe it? What he said?"

He returned the question.

"Do you?"

She sighed.

"I'd give anything for a second chance," she said softly. "How about you? Do you think you can be the person you used to be? James?"

Sawyer planted his eyes into hers and she saw a smidgen of fear inside them.

"Sweetheart, I think we're already on the road to change. Whether we like it or not, whether Zeke was right or not."

They stared at each other for a few seconds, each pondering over his words and the meaning they held as far as their relationship was concerned. Were they responsible for the tiny, gradual changes taking place in one another?

"Yeah, you might be right…" Kate finally replied, tearing her eyes from his. Gazing to her left, she saw Jack exiting his tent and putting his backpack on, and that lead her to add: "Jack doesn't seem to agree, though."

A sarcastic smile appeared on Sawyer's lips.

"Well, Freckles, I think we might just end up with a Jack problem. Who'd have guessed two months ago that the good doctor had so much self-improving to do?" he sneered.

Kate chuckled.

"Oh, come on, Sawyer," she reprimanded him with a big grin on her face. "After all he's done for you, can't you be a little nicer to him?"

"Do you know the difference between Jack and God, Freckles?" he retorted.

She shook her head, amused. Still smiling, Sawyer leaned in and said, in a confidential tone:

"God knows he isn't Jack."

She burst out laughing, but sobered up as she noticed Jack coming towards them.

"I'm on button duty now," she said regretfully. She'd have rather stayed here with him than go spend the better part of her day down inside the hatch.

"With whom?" Sawyer wondered, glancing at the doctor, too.

"Jack."

"Ah, of course," he said, not trying to hide his displeasure.

He looked almost jealous, almost worried she'd still prefer Jack over him and Kate couldn't resist finding it cute. Without really thinking, she leaned in and, trying to prevent Jack from seeing her, quickly kissed Sawyer on the cheek.

"I'll see you in six hours, Sawyer."

The foolish grin that had followed Kate's peck on the cheek had gradually disappeared as Sawyer had started thinking about what the man had said, and how he himself had told Kate that they were changing anyway. Okay, maybe they, maybe he could change to some extent, but some things were never going to change, he knew it. He HAD killed a man, an innocent man. How could he ever make amends for that? How could he ever forgive himself? James Ford had vanished a long time ago and Sawyer had a hard time believing he could ever come back.

"How is it going, James?" he suddenly heard, putting an end to his reverie.

He looked up and met Locke's gaze.

"Just fine, John," he replied sarcastically, putting the emphasis on the last word. Would the man ever stop calling him that?

Locke didn't falter and, not waiting for an invitation, sat in the sand beside Sawyer who sighed internally. What did this nutty bushman want from him now?

"So, are you joining Jack's army?" John asked bluntly.

Sawyer's brow furrowed.

"What army?" he wondered.

"Jack wants to attack the Others and get our people back," John began. "He doesn't believe in the island, in what it has to give us all. He wants to use force to get what he wants. What he needs."

For once, Sawyer didn't think Jacko was completely in the wrong. Could they really afford the luxury of thinking the Others were just going to give them Walt back some day? He didn't think they could. What was he going through while they sat on their behinds?

"I'm not sure I blame him. I mean, it's just a tad crazy to think that a frigging island could change our lives. I might agree with the Doc on this: if we want Walt and the gang back, we might have to take the matter into our own hands."

"So you think attacking people is our only option? Don't you want to believe in a second chance, James?"

Sawyer's jaw clenched.

"There might just be people who don't deserve a second chance."

Locke nodded and didn't say a thing for a moment.

"I think you should give believing a try, James. It's a leap of faith. I jumped. Follow me."

"Well, I'll think about that, Kojak," Sawyer replied wryly.

Locke nodded once again and had a little smile.

"So, I noticed earlier that you and Kate had made up, James."

Now Sawyer had enough. Locke had to be doing this on purpose, calling him by the first name he wasn't worthy of anymore.

"Will you quit calling me that?" he exploded, exasperated.

But, as always, John remained perfectly calm.

"That's your name, isn't it?"

Ever since Locke had asked him why he had picked the name 'Sawyer', he had wondered what Locke wasn't telling him. He hadn't asked him that question for nothing, Sawyer was certain of it. So he decided to find out.

"Why do you think I got the name from someone?" he asked, curiosity lacing his voice.

"You want people to call you 'Sawyer' instead of James Ford for a reason. I'm sure you didn't just open the phone book and pick that one. So, who did you get it from?"

Sawyer dodged the question once again.

"Why are you so interested?"

Locke remained silent for a short moment, his gaze lingering on the Pacific Ocean in front of him.

"Because 'Sawyer' was one of the aliases the man who changed my life for the worse used. Since there are definitely no coincidences on this island, I'm guessing we've known the same conman. And I figure that you could have taken the name of the man you loathed for only one reason."

Although very troubled by John's revelation and how close he was to the truth, Sawyer had to know more. So he asked:

"Which would be..?"

Locke rested his intense gaze on Sawyer.

"Because you hate yourself, too. Because you became the man you abhorred."

Stunned with Locke's perspicacity, Sawyer didn't utter a word. But John didn't wait for him to regain his senses and got up.

"Whatever you did, you'll never be him, James. Never."

And he left, leaving a very shaken up Sawyer behind.

Meanwhile, inside the hatch, Jack and Kate were discussing the subject of the hour, and Kate didn't like what she was hearing. She had always looked up to Jack, always believed he was a better person than she was. But now she was beginning to have some doubts.

Jack had told her he was planning to get an army ready, which he would then lead to the Others' camp (of course they'd have to find it, first) and get Walt and the tailies who had been kidnapped back.

And he wanted her to be part of that army.

Kate couldn't really blame him for not believing what 'Zeke' had told them, but what was making her uncomfortable was the detached, impulsive way Jack had decided to use force against other human beings. Yes, those Others had done wrong. But shouldn't they try to come up with a plan than wouldn't endanger the lives of so many? What would happen if they declared war on those people? They had to at least consider the possible consequences of their actions, and right now Jack wasn't doing that at all.

"I understand we have to do something, Jack, but there's got to be another way," she stated.

"Yeah, like changing?" he sneered.

"With everything that we've seen on this island, don't you think there's a remote chance that the man could have said the truth?" she asked.

"Even if it were true, do you think all six of us could change? Do you think Sawyer could?" he said with a sarcastic smile. "I bet this guy did some pretty bad stuff in his life."

"So you think… you think that only bad people do bad things? Don't you think a good person, put in a certain situation, could do awful things? Even kill someone?" she said, her eyes pleading with his. She had to know he believed in her, even though he knew she had been flying with a federal marshal.

Jack seemed to understand what she was implying, but he wasn't going to butter things up for her. That just wasn't who he was.

"I really doubt that, Kate," he said gently, trying not to hurt her too much. "I think you're either good or bad, that's as simple as that."

Kate was shaken up by his admission. Jack saw the world, the people, as black or white. Then how could he believe in her, when he knew she was a fugitive, a criminal? In Jack's book, that meant no possible redemption, she now saw it clearly. Her fragile self-esteem took a hit.

"We are what we are, Kate. We can't pretend the past didn't happen," he continued, giving her a meaningful look. "But that doesn't really matter. As I told you, I don't believe what the man said. All I know is that we've got to get Walt back, and that you can help me."

Sadly, Kate realised that Jack could be a friend, could rely on her when they went on adventures, find her useful, but that he could never forget she had done wrong things in the past. He would always feel superior to her.

Slightly irritated by her silence, Jack tried to close the deal.

"Kate, I need to know you're on my side."

Feeling like Jack only needed her to satisfy his need for heroism, to fix things his way, Kate made her decision. For years, she had considered herself as the worse person in the universe. But now she agreed with Sawyer: over the course of the last two months, she had begun to believe she wasn't all that bad. She needed to trust that it was the truth, or she'd go crazy. What had she got to lose anyway?

So she decided that she wasn't going to be Jack's sidekick on his way to glory.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I have to believe."

Jack seemed to be hurt, but she didn't care. Desperate to end the conversation, she declared she was going to take a shower and left the room.

Once more, Sawyer hit the log forcefully. He had been here for hours, hitting and chopping, sweating and trying to push Locke's words away from his mind.

Even though John had said that he could never be Frank Sawyer, he didn't believe him. Locke had an agenda: he wanted 'the Six' to unlock the island's mystery and he had probably only told him that he could be redeemed to achieve his goal. Anyway, nothing John could ever say would convinced Sawyer he was worth being saved.

Maybe he could have been a great person if Frank hadn't entered his life. But he had, and the damage was done. His kiss with Kate had made him forget, for a few blissful hours, that he was a disgusting human being, but now his hatred for himself had came back full force.

Sawyer sighed deeply before raising the axe again. Kate. The sun was setting down; she had certainly been out of the hatch for hours. Maybe she was looking for him? He felt like going to her; maybe that would make the hurt he was experiencing go away. But he quickly dismissed the idea. The pain he was going through right now was his, his only. And he deserved to be hurting.

That was his destiny, he thought as he hit the log, which split in two. In a way, he had to believe that he was as bad as Frank Sawyer. Who would he be without that façade? He didn't know how to be James anymore. And although he didn't want to believe that this island was special, the fact that John had known the same conman he had was very disturbing. What were the odds of that? Locke was right: there were no coincidences here and that scared him. What else was he going to have to face?

He missed the blessed old days, before the crash of flight 815. His life had been going in a downward spiral, but he didn't care one bit that it was. Now things were different. He was confronting his inner demons much too often for his taste. Plus, now a part of him didn't want to fall into the black hole he used to regard indifferently. A part of him wanted to love and be loved, wanted a chance to be happy… with Kate.

But that would never be possible, he knew it, and his jaw clenched at the thought. Angry and hurt, he prepared to hit the poor log once more. But as he did, he heard some noise in the bushes.

He stopped dead, listening.