-AARON LIVESY - WHAT DO I DO NOW? -
"EXPOSED"
-This fanfic follows on immediately after Hidden Till Now?
...
The room was silent, Aaron lay back on an elbow on his bed as he clutched his stomach with the other hand. "I said show me" Chas repeated.
Aaron's tears kept falling and he turned to her and stood up slowly and he reached for the zip on his hoody and slowly pulled it down, he wiped his tears away, seconds later the zip has reached the bottom and he pulled it away.
Chas gasped as she saw the blood of the fresh cut and several other cuts that were healed and some that were still healing. "Oh my god Aaron" she said in a whispery voice.
Aaron didn't reply he closed his eyes. He wanted to disappear, for the ground to swallow him up. He had hurt her now too because of this, but he couldn't help it.
"H-" Chas swallowed hard and looked up at him. "How long have you been doing this?"
"A few weeks" he told her.
"Weeks?" she asked with a raised voice. She sighed hard. "Makes sense..." realising the time being just after Jackson died. "Why?"
"It, it just helps" he caught his breath as the emotion overwhelmed him and he wiped his eyes again. "It takes the pain away; I don't expect you to understand"
"Oh no you're wrong I do understand, I understand the pain you feel but cutting yourself Aaron and god knows whatever else"
Aaron sighed and sat down beside her. "It was the day of the funeral...I was in the shower and I saw a razor...but I wasn't interested in shaving, I wanted the blade..." he told her honestly. "And I got it, and as soon as it went into my skin, I felt pleasure...and I felt better for a few hours but it came back and I've kept doing it..."
"It has to stop son now before you seriously hurt yourself or worse, you need help" Chas told him.
Aaron shook his head. "No...I don't want help and I'm not going to stop either..."
"But you have too; this is NOT normal Aaron, so...so what? You gunna keep doing this for the rest of your life? Jackson is gone and he's not coming back, no it's not what you want to hear but it has to be said, he got what he wanted and do you know what? I HATE him for that, because it's destroying you, and I don't know how much more I can take of seeing you like this"
"Well do one then! I don't need you!" he spat angrily. "I just need myself and Jackson!" he screamed. "Go on...get the hell out!" he shouted as he started to push her off the bed.
"Aaron?" Chas asked as she listened to his outburst as she was being forced out, she stood up to stop herself falling off the bed, he continued to push her all the way to the door. "Jackson's not here love"
Aaron nodded. "He is! He's here...all the time..."
Tears fell from Chas' eyes as she stood out on the landing. Paddy walked to the bottom to hear what the fuss was about. "Everything okay?" he called.
Chas looked down at him then back at Aaron. "You're not well son...come on...let me help you sort that out and we'll talk..."
Aaron shook his head frantically. "No!" he raised his voice and slammed the door but it still hadn't been fixed since Paddy kicked it in so it bounced open a little.
Chas sighed and sobbed hard as she walked down the stairs. "What the hell is going on Chas?" Paddy asked as he put his arm around her when she reached the bottom and led her into the kitchen.
Chas calmed herself and caught her breath as she sat at the dining table. "Oh Paddy what do I do? I-I...I found blood..." she put her head in her hands and her shoulders jerked as she began to cry again. "He's been hurting himself Paddy and I don't know what to do!" she told him angrily as she sobbed.
Paddy's eyes widened. "W-What you mean?"
"I mean he's been cutting himself, he's a mess and he won't listen..." she breathed and relaxed into the chair.
Paddy stepped for the stairway but Chas reached out and stopped him. "No...Leave it for a while..."
"That's what caused all this in the first place!" Paddy argued. "Leaving him!"
Chas sighed. "Please Paddy"
Paddy sighed in frustration and turned around and clicked the kettle on to boil quite angrily.
...
"They keep saying you're not here you know but I told her you are but she isn't listening, you are here because I can see you"
The image Aaron's mind was creating of Jackson lying on his side next to him nodded.
"I know you're probably mad and have a few words to say about me hurting myself but I can't help it Jackson, the pain of losing you is just too much...it helps for a while but it comes back...I loved you so, so much sometimes I just never realised how much but I do now, I know you're gone and you can't come back but I see you I' am seeing you" Aaron frowned. "I'm confused, I don't know what's happening I don't understand any of it but you're here, that's the main thing..." Aaron's frown turned to a smile as he looked into the amazing brown eyes of Jackson. "I-I should have noticed before but you've got long eye lashes"
Chas had walked up the stairs with a cup of tea for him and to check he was okay but when she heard talking, it scared her and she stopped outside his room and watched through the gap in the door where it was ajar.
Aaron smiled again. "Just perfect...all of you, I want you so much it hurts all the time...oh and video diaries to help me...I know you liked P.S. I love you but seriously? I can't face up to a recovery like you said, I just can't...it's too soon...I-I don't know how long grief lasts, I-I know it'll never go away but the initial hard bit...maybe soon I'll watch them but..." he sighed. "But right now, I just want to be buried right next to you in the ground, that's all I want..." Aaron wiped his eyes. "I miss you"
Chas swallowed hard after hearing the admission of her son to a useable Jackson that was worrying anyway but wanting to be buried with him, that was something else and she didn't know what to do.
TBC...