*FFVII and character belong to Square Enix*

Chapter 10: The Return

What had I done? Fear courses through me, chilling me and threatening to freeze all my muscles and movements. But I can't stop. If I stop, then it is all over. I have to keep running. My life depends on it. No, everyone's life depends on it. The feeling of falling wakes me as always, leaving me frozen in my bed, clutching the covers with white knuckles.

I force my breathing to slow down to a more normal pattern and slowly release my blanket. I sit up shakily and take in the thoughts of my fading dream. It comes to me often, most every night actually. I am always running, but from who or what eludes me still. All I know is that once I trip the dream ends with me waking up in a panic and an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

I want to believe that it is some part of my past. A past that I am trying to piece together with very little luck. I remember living in a small town with my parents and brother. And then one day, we were… uh man. I press on my head willing myself to remember. We were… eating… ice cream? Next to a road? Perhaps in front of a store? Yeah, that sounds almost familiar.

But then what happened? Why were we forced to take shelter with an older lady in a town we were unfamiliar with? Was it so horrible that I forced myself to suppress the memories? The part that suggested that thought scares me. If something terrible did happen then maybe it is best to not remember my past. Maybe it is best to just keep going, leading a life that feels empty and has no purpose.

I dress for the day in a casual outfit. I have no official assignment at the moment and I have my own agenda. I needed to find out who and where my brother is. Maybe he would be able to help me.

My feet lead me to the archives in the main Shin-Ra building and to the Infantry Troops and SOLDIER records. I pull out the first drawer and stare at the contents. A drawer stuffed to the brim with folders, thankfully alphabetized. I close the drawer and open several others before I find the beginning of the correct section; H. I pick through the tabs at the tops of the folders until I stop at a particular name. My name.

I look at the folders around it, but mine is the only one with the name "Hayes." I furrow my brow. I cannot be imagining that I have a brother. Was I imagining the part that he was an Infantry man wanting to be in SOLDIER? I couldn't have been.

I push the files back together and close the cabinet closed, frustrated. I need to think about this. I can't be imagining the part about having a brother. It just feels so right… Maybe he quit being a cadet? Went back to Northcrest to live a quiet life? But that doesn't feel like the person I can vaguely remember. In my heart I can tell he is not a person to do that. He would have likely stayed in the cadets. Trying to get in SOLDIER no less would be his goal. Maybe he changed his name for the records? But that would be another weird thing for him to do…

And it would do no good to just sift through files until I find one that looks familiar. One, that would take too long, and two I may not even recognize it. This whole memory issue is a real pain.

If only I remembered.

Then I would know why I was fighting, what I was trying to accomplish in this world, who is it in my mind that is so important that I want to save.

My phone beeping brings me out of my thoughts. A message from Director Lazard… Looks like he is calling an urgent meeting in an hour.

I make sure everything is back in its place before leaving back to my apartment quickly. I needed my uniform by the sounds of the message. It looked like a group message so I imagine quite a few SOLDIERs were also notified. My guess would be that it has something to do with the war.

Once in uniform I head back to the building and ride the crowded elevator up to the 49th floor where the briefing room was located. I enter and find several 2nd class, 3rd class, and a few 1st class SOLDIERs already waiting. The director is not there yet and the men are talking amongst themselves. I spy a familiar mop of red hair across the room and head towards it. The only other red head I knew besides myself in 2nd class would be the one and only, Genesis.

I grin impishly, a sudden urge to mess with him coming to me. I jab both my hands into the soft area of his sides between ribcage and hips hard. He twists around to give an indigent "hey" of some sort until he sees my face and stops. "Kaja!" I laugh gleefully, the transformation of his expressions hilarious.

"Hey, it's been a while Kaja!" Angeal pokes his head around his friend with a smile.

"Hey guys, it has been a while! What have you two been up to lately?"

"I have been helping with 3rd class training alongside monster eradication for the most part," Angeal pipes up.

"I was station at the base in Junon for the last few weeks and got back late last night. And now it looks like we will have to go back about again," Genesis sighs. "I wish I have a vacation, or at least a day off…" he grumbles to himself.

I just smile at him. "Then you know what this meeting is about?"

Genesis shook his head. "No, but I imagine it has something about the war effort."

"That's what I thought too," I reply to him.

"Looks like we will find out soon," Angeal says while pointing to the entrance where the Director enters along with Sephiroth and to my surprise, Leonard Koski.

"Good afternoon, Gentlemen," The director takes his seat and boots up his computer setting it up so the screen duplicates on the large screen above him. "Why don't you all gather round and I will brief you on why I have sent for you."

The screen pops up with several pictures of a fortress and a map. Yup, definitely about the war. "If I could have your attention, gentlemen. Above me you will see displayed several pictures and a map of our next target. It is one of the larger compounds in Wutai and it is the mission of you gathered here today to infiltrate and take the base. It will be one of our first major steps in the war effort if we can pull this off. Once we take the compound we can not only diminish their numbers but keep it for our own uses.

"You SOLDIERs will be divided in to different teams. Two first class SOLDIERs will be heading up this operation, Captain Koski and Second Lieutenant Sephiroth. Under them there will be several teams headed by second class SOLDIERs who will be in charge of some third class SOLDIERs and then several member of our infantry army. Each team will have a specific mission in this operation and it is very important that each task be done swiftly and with accuracy. There is no room to make mistakes in this mission. I cannot express this enough, this could be a major stepping stone in ending the war."

I listen diligently, not wanting to miss any piece of information. I did not want to screw up again. No I couldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't let them down any more. I had to be better, I had to improve, I had to move past whatever fears held me down.

The group was first divided into two divisions. Sephiroth would end up leading the main force into the compound while Captain Koski would be in charge of strategy and securing a perimeter. Within each division, there were several groups that were going to be led by either a 1st class or 2nd class Soldier with a group of 3rds. Infantry men would be used to help with perimeter security and help detaining any one we kept alive.

The Director changed the screen to a detailed list of where each Soldier operative would be located. I scanned down the side that would be led by Captain Koski thinking that they would station me with him but I don't find my name. Confused, I look down the other side and spy my name.

I was going in the heart of the base. It looks like there will be another 2nd with me along with four 3rds. Well at least I won't be leading them alone. I didn't want to think about what would happen if I got everyone killed in my squadron.

But these aren't regular people, we are all in SOLDIER. We are trained to kill and built to survive. Our Mako enhanced bodies are a testament to that. I shouldn't worry about my fellow men at arms. I just have to keep reminding myself that everything would be okay.

I didn't realize the meeting ended until Angeal and Genesis pulled me out of my thoughts. "Nervous already?" Genesis poked at me. I frown at him.

"I'll be fine," I tell them and follow the crowd out. Transport isn't until 0600 hours tomorrow morning. And we will probably arrive in Wutai late afternoon, which will give us time to regroup, set up and commence the operation after nightfall. I only have a little over 24 hours until I would be off slaughtering people.

It shouldn't bother me by now, killing people. But it still does. After my mind started to piece things back together, I grew increasingly more conflicted by the idea of killing. It was wrong, what I was doing. But I couldn't afford to think like that. Not anymore. It was kill or be kill in a war like this. There will probably be no one taken alive this time. It was too dangerous for the other side after I escaped one of their labs. Even if I had only left them knocked out.

I accepted Genesis and Angeal's offer to join them for dinner. But I didn't really pay attention to our conversation. My mind was already on the events of tomorrow. I had no doubt in my mind that there would not be many survivors. I only hoped that there would be no civilians tomorrow.

/

Anxiety filled me. The complex that we can spot just through the woods is big. More like the size of a town. The Director was right, if we could stamp out this base then it would definitely help the war effort. This place probably housed a large part of their army looking at the size of it.

Our groups were ready and stationed, waiting for the diversion to activate so we could get an upper hand. My group ended up consisting of four 3rds that I knew in passing and a high ranking 2nd class Soldier named Sean. I didn't know him too well, but from what I have seen, he is strong and carries out his missions cleanly.

An explosion made me jump. The diversion. It is time to go. Sean led us to the eastern entrance, which was only covered by a few guards. We took them out quickly and entered the complex. The inside looked strange. It held street after street of small buildings, where light was starting to spill from windows. People were stirring from the explosion. We needed to act quickly if we didn't want to get overrun.

One of the 3rds in my group started by using fire materia, setting blazes to the buildings. It is a tactic to make the enemy distracted and make their ranks become unorganized in the chaos. The fire caught quickly on the wood buildings, making our work easy.

Terror welled up in me at the first sound of a scream. A scream of a woman. Several more rang out and the grip on my sword faltered. People ran in terror all around us, my comrades cutting down anyone who came close to the exit. This wasn't a military complex.

It is a town.

"What are you doing, Hayes?! Get moving!" Sean yells at me while in the middle of running through an older man. I stare at him, hearing his words but trying not to believe them. You can't tell me that he is okay with this.

"These people are civilians!" I yell back, my voice quivering from rage and despair at the same time.

"So?" He steps on a small heap on the ground. A dead child. My stomach lurches. "This is a war. And if you don't start moving, I am going to report you for insubordination and the inability to follow orders."

"There was nothing in the orders to slaughtering these people!" I fight back.

His eyes narrow. "It was in the mission details. If you have paid enough attention at the meeting you would have known that we are to kill everyone in our way."

I feel my face drain of color. I had gotten distracted and missed that detail. "Your softness is a hindrance. This is a battlefield and there will be no sympathy. So get moving Hayes. You have a job to do, so do it." He gives me one last glare and goes back into the fiery fray.

I stand there for another minute staring at the chaos around me. There are bodies and pools of blood everywhere, threatening to make me puke. You have a job to do, so do it. Sean's words ring in my head. He's right. I had signed up for this. I should have known. But why? Why did it have to involve innocent lives?

Shin-Ra is a monster.

I move my legs, willing myself forward. I have a job to do. Even if I hate it. I ignore the civilians and anyone who didn't attack me. I didn't want to get them involved. I wouldn't kill those who were not fighting.

Their faces filled my mind, their screams echoing in my ears. And the smell of burning flesh and blood are the only things I can smell. I makes me feel sick all over again. All I can do is silently apologize. Not that they would ever forgive me. I doubt I will ever be able to forgive myself.

The sun rises several hours later, an eerie quiet hanging over the once town. The fires are all but gone now, the source of fuel lone gone. I kick through the rubble, nothing but charred remains and burnt bodies remain.

I look around at the carnage. Everywhere I turn there is more ashes, rubble and bodies- most of them belonging to the Wutai villagers. How could Shin-Ra do this? Did Captain Koski know about this?

Newfound determination propels me forward, out of the village and back to the camp we had set up a mile out in the woods. It doesn't take me long to get to the clearing we claimed, my pace brisk. Soldiers mill around, most looking visibly tired from the battle that lasted all night. I don't stop to bother with any of them, and they get out of my way.

I enter the strategy tent where I find Captain Koski speaking with a ruffled Sephiroth and another 1st. They all pause and look over at me.

Sephiroth is the first to recover. "Report, soldier."

My gaze darkens. "I found no survivors, Sir," I say with disdain seeping through.

"Your tone is unnecessary, soldier," the other 1st tells me. Captain Meyers, I think.

"Miss. Hayes, I know you may have found this siege unpleasant, but this is the nature of war," Captain Koski tries to calm me down.

"Nature of war?" I snort. "That was a slaughter! That was not a military establishment; that was a town! Most of those people were civilians and completely uncalled for!"

Captain Meyers stepped forward looking tired and aggravated. "You are out of line, soldier. You are assigned watch at the south point of the camp. You are dismissed."

I shut my mouth, knowing what I want to say will get me in more trouble. I huff, give them a salute and stop out of the tent. I make it to the south point of camp.

"I'm taking over," I snap at the infantry man. He gives a hasty salute and runs off.

I turn around and kick a large pole of bamboo, the pole snapping at my enhanced strength. This isn't how you fight wars. Aren't there laws about doing this? Attacking civilians, destroying homes.

Footsteps. I turn and find Captain Koski approaching me. I sit down on a rock and scowl. He joins me after a moment, keeping quiet. We watch the forest, aglow with the morning light. I can hear birds around us, giving me a false sense of serenity. It does calm me down a little, blocking out the sounds of the camp and just listening to nature.

"Did you know?" I ask quietly after several minutes.

He sighs. "If I knew that it was a village and not a compound?" I nod. "No. None of us knew."

I look over at him, eyes wide. "Then… How are you okay with this?!"

"I'm not. I am just not taking it out on others." I look away, embarrassed. "And if you didn't notice, the atmosphere in the camp is suffocating. Only a very few are okay with this, twisted bastards. The rest are trying to cope, or ignore what happened. You aren't the first to voice your complaints to us Firsts. And I am sure that the Director will get a lot of feedback from this."

"Oh," is all I can say, still looking down at my boots.

"I have been working for this company for… over sixteen years. I have seen how they operate and what they have done. But there isn't anything I can do at the moment. I have to play by their rules. I joined the company so I could search for my sister. And until I find her… Well you see."

I mull over his words, trying to figure out what I should respond back with. "Miss. Hayes, why did you want to join SOLDIER?"

Why indeed. It had been a question that had been on my mind for almost a year now. If I really think about it, I may be able to give him a truthful answer.

"I don't know," I finally say.

His face grows very serious. "I am going to tell you something very important, Miss. Hayes. I know you didn't like how things went, but I need you to follow orders right now. You need to remain an asset to the company. If you go rogue, you will undoubtedly be hunted down and… neutralized. I would hate for you to become compromised. I seem to have taken a liking to you." He lets a smirk quirk his lips.

"Leonard," I roll my eyes and give him a look. A look that he returns now, with eyes filled with an unexplainable emotion. Happiness? Affection? Reassurance?

Wait… Leonard… My face falls. Leonard. This feeling that warms my heart. Leonard. Leonard. He is confused now. And so am I. Leonard?

"Leonard," I try the word again. "Leonard… Koski…" That name… why is it… Another name comes with it. "Lilja… Koski..." That name… My throat clenches, my heart aches. "Leonard." I return my eyes to him, suddenly feeling very stiff. "Leonard Koski. You're… I mean… You're, you're…"

The smile he gives me next breaks the dam in my mind and thoughts pour out. Leonard. Oh my gosh. Leonard Koski. Sobs overtake me, burning my lungs and making me shake uncontrollably. The guilt, the regret, the terror.

I remember.

I remember everything.

Next Time: Memories

P.S. Sorry for being terrible at updating! I have a full time job now! Which is great because I can pay all the bills, but then leaves a lot less free time to do everything on my list. Someday I will finish this story! Until, thank you for being patient.

P.P.S. I love getting feedback! It helps stir those creative juices.